Spoof news snippets from May 2013
There were 86 spoof news snippets published in May 2013. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
Arizona Governor Jan Brewer Achieves Orgasm
Ultra-Conservative Arizona Governor Jan Brewer says she achieved an orgasm last night as she was listening to Rush Limbaugh. "I really enjoyed it", Brewer stated.
SAN DIEGO, CA--Five years after hearing it for the first time, Danny Orsi still has no idea that the
Black Sabbath song "Iron Man" wasn't written for the film series.
Stock Market Crashes
The NASDAQ stock market dropped nearly 8000 points in heavy trading yesterday but the only ones affected were the very wealthy as no one else had any money to begin with, according to sources.
Ths yrs conf on Abbrs & TxtSpk will B held at G-Mex M/c. Attnd's shd arv 30mins b4 drs open 2 Nsure a gd seat.
The iTwins Are Cute As Can Be
A young married couple in Phoenix is being criticized for naming their twins iPad and iPod.
The Silver Screen President
The details are still somewhat sketchy but it looks like President Obama could be appearing in George Clooney's next action-packed motion picture Strike Force Eagle Bravo 1.
Just Like Peanut Butter and Jelly
Doctor's in California now say that there could be a direct correlation between the high gasoline prices and high blood pressure.
The GOP May Be Heading Into The Sunset
Republican strategists say the problem with the GOP is the GOP designation (Grand Old Party). So they've suggested that it be changed to GNP, (Grand New Party) in order to attract the younger voters
Moyes successor named
With Moyes set to take over at United, Everton have announced his replacement, as an elderly Scot who recently announced his retirement. The fans are not happy about the appointment of Gordon Brown.
With the weather set to continue cold, the British Met Office have announced plans to merge Britain's seasons into two. "These will be called 'Winter'," said Michael Fish, "and 'Green Winter'."
Google Glasses require a warning
All wearers of Google glasses will be required to wear a badge in future that reads: "This conversation will be recorded for training purposes."
A Drone Plane Oops Moment
Reports are that a drone plane has mysteriously crash landed right in the middle of a famous Nevada nudist colony.
Britain slightly less racist than before says survey
With voters at the local elections switching from BNP to UKIP, the UK racist index dropped from 5% to 3% this week.
A record-breaking 103lb cod has been caught in Norway. Harry Ramsden's Chip shop is hoping that the male monster fish will provide up to 200 meals. It has been mistakenly called the mother of all cod.
The Arnold Schwarzenegger - Maria Shriver Buzz
Arnold Schwarzenegger has said that he would be willing to take Maria Shriver back just as long as once in a while she agrees to dress up as a maid.
Germany knocked off the top by North Korea!
Germany nearly made it to the top of the global pop pops but were narrowly beaten by North Korea to the Nr 1 spot. Merkel is to blame because she can't sing and Kim Jong Un can, can!
History of Cross Dressing - part 1
Cross dressing in ancient times, before the invention of gender specific clothing, mainly involved shaving off the beard. This was considered a perversion by those who liked facial hair.
Hey, A Girl's Gotta Eat
A secret tunnel has been discovered underneath Kirstie Alley's home that reportedly leads right to a supermarket.
Oprah Winfrey's Very Unusual Bathrooms
Oprah Winfrey is so rich, she has ATM's in each one of her bathrooms.
No longer a "Theatre of Dreams"!
For 27 years Old Trafford was "The theatre of dreams" from next season it will be a "Theatre of NightMoyes!"
Vegans boycotting breasts
Vegans new initiative is to with-hold breastfeeding practices of new moms. Mother's milk is a animal product, therefore, all mothers must refrain from lactating to keep in tradition of a vegan diet.
Wayne Rooney has been taking lessons from Gazza and reading George Best's biography before he starts his new career as an ex-soccer super-star alcoholic; there is nothing else after United, ask Alex!
Bruce Jenner Says He's Run Out of Rope
Bruce Jenner, who is married to the Kardashian matriarch Kris Jenner, has stated that he will probably be leaving her because he can no longer stand the smell of fakeness.
Ke$ha's Strange Beverage
Ke$ha recently made headlines when she appeared on her reality show Ke$ha: My Crazy Beautiful Life, and drank her own #1. When asked about it she said she did it to win a $45 bet.
What does 'self-explanatory' mean?
For Sale: 12 Clockwork Clowns.
Used but in good condition for more information contact Sandro Rosell, The FC Barcelona Camp Nou Stadium, Avinguda Aristides Maillol, s/n
Cameron first victim of immigration changes
British PM David Cameron is understood to have been deported under new immigration laws passed recently. Cameron's great great uncle came here illegally from Germany so Dave has to wear it for him.
Authorities are pursuing a man who is believed to be in possession of a thermo nuclear device he constructed with material bought on internet. Police are looking (extremley large explosion is heard)
Ferg 's role change
Sir Alex Ferguson has announced today that he will quit Manchester United to embrace a role as a female impersonator at a local strip club. His wife is well pleased he's "got a real job now."
A Swedish surgeon has made history today when he attached a penis to a patient's skull. "Yes, this is the first true dickhead!" declared the doctor. Assholes are now lining up for similar teatment.
Sherlock Actor Investigates Cast
Benedict Cumberbatch drilled the Star Trek cast and successfully deduced that his stolen peanut butter and jelly sandwich was taken by Zachary Quinto.
Chelsea Flower Show lifts ban on Gnomes
William Hague finally able to attend.
Atos, the French company tasked with assessing Britain's disabled people has been canonised, after announcing that 30,000 previously disabled people can now walk. That's a better return than Jesus.
6 out of every 10 Americans say that they don't take part in surveys.
Finger painting has become more popular than ever in nurseries and schools in Liverpool.
It's been enforced by local police, as they want to get fingerprints on record from a early age.
Risqué storyline to boost Coronation Street ratings
It's going to involve Kevin Webster and Ken Barlow running an under sixteen disco in the Rovers.
Chair of the Blind Society accused of needlessly wasting money
He arranges a fireworks display to display his commitment to the cause
Biden on dancing show
American Vice President, Joe Biden, has announced he will compere Dancing With the Stars on ABC next year. Biden, a noted dancer around different issues, will bring a new dimension to the show. What?
Taxi ripped off
A New York cab driver has discovered that he is owed $27 million dollars in unpaid cab fares. Only about 1 in 425 people pay him their fare and the rest quickly run. May be he should get another job?
He's big down under you know.
Rolf Harris sex claims: Police Go To Australia...and who can blame them, it's a much better place than here and you can rely on the weather!
"Oooooh! that feels better Matron!"
Boris Johnson 'attempts' a Chocolate Souffle...after weeks of trying numerous laxitives!
Viva Forever Spice Girls Musical is axed....pity it was not that actual Spice Girls who copped it instead!
Sooner rather than later cobber!
An indian prisoner on death row in Pakistan responsible for a string of bomb attacks, has died in hospital after being attacked by fellow inmates in a high-security jail
Bangladesh textile factory collapses; so what?
The price of human life in Bangladesh means nothing as long as global textile retailers can keep their profits up; who pays the price? Ask those lying under the factory rubble>
Ted Cruz Challenges Joe Biden To Gun Control Debate
Sen. Cruz noted that VP Joe Biden reportedly plans to revive a push for gun control decided to challenge the VP to a debate. However the VP declined because it was scheduled past his bedtime.
over 500 victims of abuse now!
the death toll in Bangladesh has risen to over 500. Check your labels in your cheap textiles, it's not funny!
New Book About Incontinence Released Today
If you have bladder condition, urine for quite a relief with the new book, Just Go With The Flow, by I.P. Freeley, Urologist.
Interns Fed To Sharks on Discovery Channel
In an ill-devised attempt to copy on the success of the Weather Channel's abuse of interns for Tornado Week, The Discover Channel decided to let interns swim with sharks for Shark Week.
"Stone me cobber!"
Iran hit by 6.2 magnitude earthquake.....how would they ever know....it could be an annual stoning festival?
Charles' bravure on show
In a bold move, HRH Prince Charles has agreed to substitute the royal flag flying atop Buckingham Palace with himself in a PR exercise unequalled in history. He will be in a harness the complete time
"What, no flamin' Cornetto's!"
Marks & Spencers poaches Spaniard for key womanswear post....Juan Sheet told reporters he was pleased to leave the towels behind!
David Cameron Defects To The Liberal Democrats
'I am sick of dogmatic, inflexible, self-serving, right wing views in the Conservative party that are out of touch with the electorate and reality,' he told reporters. 'I agree with Nick.'
"You can tell by the way I'm outta work...but its alright!"
HSBC warns 14,000 more job cuts likely....soon they'll be turning job centres into night clubs due to record memberships.
King of the bungle?
Safari guide filmed charging towards elephant, obviously Irish.
Gone but not forgotten.
Brad Pitt 'Emotional' about Angelina Jolie's Mastectomy...as are we all cobber...as are we all!
Oh, to be in England...now that summer is here!
Snow in May: White stuff hits parts of UK.....meanwhile, the brown stuff continues to hit everywhere else!
Hitler's love child
A Latvian bus driver has confessed to being the love child of Adolf Hitler and Marlene Dietrich. "Ya, I'm the one and only" he cried. The man has been detained in a psychiatric facility for some time.
Poets to be deported
Budding poets are to be rounded up and excised from the general population in a PR move by the British government. "Yes, they will be shipped to South Georgia" said a spokesperson for David Cameron.
News to hand
Mr Nigel Crackenthorpe of Lentle Lane Wandsworth has finally worked out how to enter his two bedroom home. He unlocked the front door and walked in. He now will work out how to get out again. Serious.
Retirement 'Harmful To Health' Says The Institute For Economic Affairs (IEA)
'Also, poverty is healthy, but voting UKIP causes fatal illnesses,' said Mark Littlewood, IEA Director. 'The IEA is independent,' he added, 'we never manipulate public opinion to government agendas.'
Tories Apologise To Mental Health Organisations Over Use Of Stigmatising Language
'Our activists should not be described as "mad, swivel-eyed loons",' said a spokesman, 'but rather as people with severe mental health problems who experience ocular complications.'
Mobile phones reunited with 'tele'
As from next year, mobile phones will have to be referred as mobile telephones in all advertising and documentation due to an EU ruling. This follows the decision to reassign the word wireless to radios.
What a Gay day!
Hurricane hits Warsaw and kills nobody!
Hurricane Erskine hit Warsaw over the weekend and the only casualty was a naked couple seen copulating on their balcony blowing and sucking in the wind!
Cameron relived by Terrorist attack
It means that the news of his capitulation on Corporation Tax after Google threaten to pull their £4.5m donation from the Tories.
Dont Forget to #Hashtag
DES MOINES-Students at the University of Des Moines are developing a new technology to let you search old spoken conversations, so don't forget to hashtag anything you say!
#DesMoines #Search #Tech
Barack Obama Resigns as USA president
Last night,the president of the United States of America Barack Obama resigned for unknown reason's according to CNN News.His replacement might be actor Morgan Freeman or NBA star Kobe Bryant.
Park keeper mauled by tiger in new terror attack
First a soldier, then a plane - now al-Queda have utilised Sumatran tigers to spread fear and panic in the UK. Authorities are putting everyone in the country on alert about threats from everything.
'Self-harm' is the new rock and roll
Professor Rimming-Spree of the University of Sixties-New Town says that cutting oneself with glass and razor blades is 'pretty cool' and 'cutting edge'.
'The disabled are a waste of f*cking space'
A new study suggests that some the large number of spaces reserved for the Disabled could be used as breeding grounds for rare birds.
'Rape should be an Olympic sport'
The harvesting of the cash-crop, Rape, that requires great skill and strength, might become a recognised sport by 2016.
'The Queen is a c*nt'
The film director Stephen Frears says his film 'The Queen' was his most difficult film to make.
Chr*s Moyles 'sodomised my handbag'
Former Radio 1 DJ Moyles has been charged with gross indecency with a handbag after an incident in the Reading branch of Miss Selfridge earlier this week.
Sex without butterflies is 'the best ever'
Having sex without butterflies around you is, experts say, awesome.
Lesula monkeys from the Congo suffer from blue balls
Male lesula monkeys, which have been discovered in the Congo, have bald, brilliant blue testicles and butt. Not only is it painful for them to run, but the natives also hunt them for bush meat.
Bynes dives for bong
Amanda Bynes fell from her cell window looking for her bong. Bynes thought she was at home and leaped from window screaming "I'm Amanda Bynes, that's my bong"! She fell 3 stories a spokesman said.
Cameron lays blame on Tasmania
British PM, David Cameron has no doubt who to blame for the upsurge of terrorist activity. "The state of Tasmania is singly to blame for the recent incidents occurring here and elsewhere" he said.
Why Church numbers are down
Nine out of every eleven people consider that the state of Tasmania is responsible for the decline in numbers of people attending church each Sunday. An outrage unequalled in world history for sure.
Tasmania in trouble again
Police were called to a domestic dispute and were surprised to find that the victim blamed the state of Tasmania for the escalation of events. More investigations are continuing into this situation.
Mayor points finger at Tasmania
The Mayor of Stratford believes more people would visit his city if only the state of Tasmania would leave them alone. "It is criminal what they do" he said after a brief town meeting this morning.
Dentists across the country are adamant that declining dental conditions are attributable to one source only: Tasmania. They say that the rogue state must stop immediately or else face trouble.
"I want it!"
Loopy loo London Mayor Boris Johnson 'desperate' to become PM....desperate being the operative word...!!
Jack the Ripper is 'Greatest Ever Briton'
Jack the Ripper has been voted Britain's greatest ever inhabitant by readers of Jack the Ripper Monthly.
Crucifixion of Jesus 'was a prank that went wrong'
Biblical scholars and historians have cited documentary evidence to suggest that Jesus' death was simply 'fooling around' with some centurions that got out of hand after too many beers.
Suicide now a capital offence in Utah
Suicide now carries a penalty of death by lethal injection in Utah. The suicide victim is brought back to life in the normal way, then killed again as a punishment.
The 'N-word' is now the most used word in the English language
Linguists at the University of Chappaquiddick have calculated that the 'N-word' is used somewhere in the US at least 140,000 times per second in a variety of contexts, but mostly by academics.