Spoof news snippets from March 2013
There were 139 spoof news snippets published in March 2013. A selection of the best rated snippets is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
Prince Harry to be new face of TV Burp.
Producers loved his friendly style when in Africa for Comic Relief and are keen on the continuity of the name 'Harry'.
Rooneys going nowhere says Ferguson
"He's locked in by basement" said the Scot
Justin Bieber to receive counselling
Following a traumatic week in London where he turned up 2 hours late for a gig, was rushed to hospital & threatened a paparazzi, management are to have JB counselled by Britney Spears & Lindsay Lohan
First day of Test match between New Zealand and England washout
Neer knew there were so many Man United fans in Dunedin.
Lord Sugar wrote me off, claims Apprentice winner
I always thought Stella English was a beer label.
Carlos Tevez arrested!
Accused of impersonating a footballer. And a supermodel.
Boat Race takes a frozen turn
This year's boat race between Cambridge and Oxford will go down in history as the first to be done on ice skates.
The Times wins newspaper of the year
The actual newspaper of the year, not jut sub-category for phone or email hacking by a Murdoch newspaper.
86 Year Old Patient Leaves Hospital Alive!
Explained the patient's doctor, palliative specialist Dr. De'Ath, 'Unfortunately Her Majesty began to show signs of improvement before my team had time to commence her to The Liverpool Care Pathway.'
Fergie to discuss Rooney situation at press conference
Lib Dems confident of victory in Rome by-election
Hell, forget the groping claims and speeding points - their on a roll!
Nazi Stuff Is A "No No"
The city of Miami Beach has just banned all Nazi memorabilia. One very unhappy Nazi memorabilia shop owner says he will be moving to Arizona.
Mayor Bloomberg Strikes A Positive Blow For The Hookers
New York Mayor Bloomberg says that in order to avoid the obvious negative connotations he is issuing a directive prohibiting the use of the word street walker and replacing it with pavement princess.
Same Sex Marriages: Six of One, Half Dozen of The Other
Governor Jan Brewer of Arizona says she is against same-sex marriages, especially if it is between two men or two women.
Kim Jong Un Is Mad At Le France
North Korean leader Kim Jong Un is angry at France and vows to launch a missile towards the Eiffel Tower.
News Regarding The War Between The States
President Obama proudly announced today that the United States has made the final payment on the loan it took out in 1861 to help pay for the American Civil War.
Boris Johnson agrees to BBC documentary about his life
Surely the Comedy Channel would have been more appropriate?
New Map of Milton Keynes
The good burghers of Milton Keynes have produced a new map showing the location of all the toilets in the town. Some wag has called it a RELIEF map.
Kim Jong Un Says He Fears Nothing
Scientist report that a meteor the size of Milwaukee is heading towards North Korea. Kim Jong Un says he will shoot the Solar System infidel down with one of his missiles.
Punxsutawney Phil and Jay Leno Are In The Same Boat
Punxsutawney Phil, getting up in age, will most likely be replaced in 2014, by Punxsutawney Phyllis.
Warner Music Group owner invests £40m in Daisy streaming service
But shockingly zero investment in a daisy-cutting service.
The Fringe Benefit of A Tubal Ligation
A gynecologist in California is now offering his patients a free iPad with each tubal ligation.
What The Hell Is That Smell?
A scientific research center in Flagstaff, Arizona has been fined by the U.S. government for cloning skunks.
The Skeeter Bite Is Gonna Hurt Like The Dickens
A Louisiana game warden has reported finding a mosquito in a bayou near New Orleans that weighs 3 pounds.
Marriage is the union between two people who love one another, and never entered for monetary, property or political advancement.
Cameron On Track
If he veered any further to the right he would be off the road.
The Amazingly Amazing Russian Ballerina
A Russian ballerina named Valentina Pavlovsky, 19, has danced non-stop all the way from Moscow to Zurich, Switzerland (1,367 miles) while just drinking water and eating Hostess Twinkies.
Ah, The Land of Cotton
Mississippi has just banned the photoshopping of cotton. No reason was given.
The Wisconsin Bar Code Mystery
Wisconsin has just passed a law banning all bar codes. State senators refused to comment as to why.
Huhne in Nectar Points scandal
A disgraced former MP was ejected from a Sainsbury's store today for attempting to redeem points against the cost of his shopping using a Nectar card bearing the name V Pryce
Judge Justifies Leniency Of Jail Sentences For Chris Huhne And Vicky Pryce
'A term of eight months may seem lenient,' said the judge. 'However, I have ordered that they share a cell. That will make it feel to them like eight years and provide entertainment for prison staff.'
One of The Reasons Why Mrs. Bill O'Reilly Divorced Bill
Bill O'Reilly's wife has stated that one of the reasons why she divorced him was because she got sick and tired of him sitting around the house and using the phrase fair and balanced at least a dozen times a day.
The Reason Why Tiger Fell For Lindsey Vonn
Tiger Woods says that one of the reasons why he fell in love with his new girlfriend Lindsey Vonn is because she is the whitest white blonde girl he has ever seen, and of course white is his favorite color.
The Black Eyed Peas, Will.i.am Announces A Name Change
The leader of The Black Eyed Peas, Will.i.am says that he will be changing his name to the more politically correct Will.i.is.
Arizona Passes A Crazy Law
Arizona has just announced that it has passed a bill prohibiting any one in the state from using the term Praying Mantis.
Lindsay Lohan Will Not Be Firing Her Lawyer
Lindsay Lohan has been advised by her close friends and family to fire her attorney, but she says that she will keep him because he works for the amazing fee of $19 an hour.
Pat Robertson Condemns The New England Patriots
Pat Robertson said that the New England Patriots will go to hell for letting Wes Welker leave. Pats coach Bill Belichick said "Good, I'll kick the damn devil and record the whole damn thing to boot."
Microsoft fined for not offering a choice of browsers.
I only popped in for a pair of trousers.
Bonnie Tyler to represent UK in Eurovision song contest
No Jedward this year - hoooray!
Oh hang on a minute - they were representing Ireland...
Vicky Pryce found guilty of taking husbands speeding points
Struggling QPR manager Harry Redknapp has put in a bid for the points, but was told the transfer window has closed.
WAYNE ROONEY TO LEAVE MANCHESTER UNITED!
just after training at 12.30pm tomorrow. Off home to watch CBBC no doubt.
Justin Bieber rushed to hospital after breathing problems
Shame the ambulance didn't turn up two hours late - see how he likes it!
Brian Cox admits to sneezing bigger comets
after an amateur astronomer admits that the photograph that gained world acclaim was actually a bit of greenfly ejecta on his camera lens
Lisa Rinna Says She's Going To De-Lip a Bit
Lisa "Lips" Rinna says that she has to get about a pound of silicon removed from each lip otherwise she's afraid she'll develop Chelsea Handler's whining voice.
Wynonna Judd Talks About Dancing With The Stars
Wynonna Judd said the reason why she went on Dancing With The Stars is to lose about 4 or 5 pounds and to promote an upcoming album of anti-Taylor Swift songs.
Dancing With The Stars Said No To Gisele Bundchen
Gisele Bundchen (Mrs. Tom Brady) was to have appeared on Dancing With The Stars but producers were afraid she would brutally degrade, insult, and attack the three judges.
Lindsay Lohan Is Already Planning Her Escape
Lindsay Lohan says if she gets sent to prison she will dig her way out within 48 hours.
Miley Cyrus May Go Back To Her Old Ways
Miley Cyrus has said that if ex-fiancé Liam Hemsworth doesn't get back together with her, she is going to revert back to her old ways and give old guys lap dances, pole dances, and Laker tickets.
Kirstie Alley Does The Harlem Shake
Kirstie Alley is reportedly furious after she was warned by the LAPD not to ever do the Harlem Shake in public again.
Nicki Minaj Finally Explains Her Tardiness
Nicki Minaj, American Idol judge, explained that the reason she was late to last week's show was because she got her gigantic butt stuck in a revolving door at a Beverly Hills cosmetic's shop.
Anna Welker's Rocky Mountain Comment
Anna Welker, wife of ex-New England Patriot Wes Welker and now member of the Denver Broncos, says that Colorado snow smells a whole lot nicer than Massachusetts snow.
Lindsay Lohan Is One Lucky-As-Hell Spoiled Brat
Every time Lindsay Lohan is sentenced to prison she gets out of it because of prison overcrowding. Either build more friggin prisons or let one inmate out to make room for the Hollywood prima donna.
The Astounding Rumor About Kate Middleton's Baby
The rumor that Kate Middleton AKA The Duchess of Cambridge will name her baby, Bubba, if it's a boy, has as yet not been denied by Buckingham Palace
Bad News For The Rock Dudes
South Dakota has announced that state budget cuts could force it to sell Mount Rushmore.
Dr. Pepper Is Expanding
The Dr. Pepper Company has decided to go into the condiment business and states that it will soon be selling Dr. Pepper Pepper.
It's Adios and Goodbye To Chuck E. Cheese
In the interest of gender equality, the Chuck E. Cheese Corporation has just announced that the company mascot Chuck E. Cheese will have sexual reassignment surgery and become Chelsea E. Cheese.
The Luck of The Non-Irish
Arizona Sheriff Joe "Pinky" Arpaio arrested three Navajo Indians for celebrating St. Patrick's Day.
The Avocado Salads Just Won't Taste The Same
Due to the verbal jousting between Russia and Guatemala, the Central American country says that it will be removing all bottles of Russian Salad Dressing from its grocery store shelves.
Well There Went The Parade
America's smallest St. Patrick's Day Parade was held in Tucson and it featured two bagpipers, a bosomy Hooter's girl dressed as a tall leprechaun, and three homeless people each carrying a shamrock.
Golden Dawn for UKIP
Far right party come second to the Liberal Hypocrites in spite of Cameron lowering net migration by forcing British people to look for work elsewhere.
Cameron: "I Will Not Lurch to the Right!"
David Cameron admitted to day "I will not lurch to the right" he reinforced this by allegedly saying "I have never been right, in fact, I do not know what right is."
Cyprus to remain 3rd largest Mediterranean island despite E.U. bailout
Bank stocks dropped by 4% on news that Cyprus would remain the Mediterranean Sea's third-largest island despite a bailout. Cypriots, meanwhile, remain unmoved. Sicily and Sardinia issued no comment.
David cameron gives speech in the north about HS2
Thats 'High Speed 2' not Hop Scotch 2.
Santander ad starring Jessica Ennis criticised as 'the worst ever made'.
Hang on a mo, what about the Go Compare adverts?
Welcome to the future of entertainment
3 mobile ad featuring moonwalking Shetland pony attracts 3m YouTube views.
'EU Politics Undermining Satire', Complain Humourists
'Events in Greece, Italy and other European countries are more bizarre than anything we can invent,' said a spokesman for the Society of Satirists. 'Each insane idea we have gets topped by real life.'
New Pope's First Words…
The new Pope emerged on the balcony in St Peter's Square this evening. Known as Pope Francis, and emanating from Latin America, his first words were "don't cry for me Argentina!"
Rupert Murdoch Very angry and press deal
The press boss has summoned David Cameron to explain himself and hinted that the photos will be published if Dave doesn't do as he says.
The majority of people asked what they would like to hear George Osbourne say today gave one reply
"We'd really like to hear him give a resignation speech."
Ed Milliband appoints a border collie as shadow Chancellor
Ed Milliband has made Rover, a Welsh border collie, shadow chancellor. "Well," said Ed, "a border collie would figure out something isn't working in less than three years. Unlike George."
Bieber birthday blues--still too young to buy alcohol
Biebs, who turned 19, sat alone in a Knoxville club trying with various hats and glasses to buy alcohol. After having a laugh, club security escorted the Biebs via a kick to the arse into the street.
Wanted: Lunatics Who Think They Can Communicate With God
It interested, contact College of Cardinals, Vatican City, Rome.
Channel 5's Celebrity Wedding Planner to feature Helen Flanagan, Pete Burns and John McCririck
What could possibly go wrong?
MP Resigns Over Breathing Incident
'When accused of breathing, he instinctively denied it and arranged an illegal cover-up,' said a party spokesman. 'Breathing, of course, is OK. As usual, the unnecessary lies led to the resignation.'
New Pope to be decided
Cardinals down to shortlist of Harry Redknapp, Sylvio Berlusconi, Jose Mourinho, David Beckham and Mario Balotelli.
Ganstas everywhere celebrate Motherfuckers Day
Chris Huhne updates his Facebook page
Chris Huhne has been tagged by West Minster constabulary at Wandsworth Prison.
Cameron denies being Murdoch's puppet
However photos show that Murdoch is operating Dave in much the same way as Keith Harris operates Orville
Cyprus To Be Sold For Scrap
Cyprus's creditors have agreed to break the island up and sell it for scrap. The beaches have been sold on to Dubai, the remainder is to be moored in the South China Sea as a floating restaurant.
Taser gun used on man near Downing Street
Police challenged the man who shouted "I'm a senior Tory you fucking pleb" at which point the officer withdrew his Taser gun and shot at point blank range.
Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez dies watching TV
The Socialist leader already weakened by cancer suffered a fatal heart attack while watching the Champions League tie between Man United and Real Madrid. He became distressed when Nani was sent off.
Cameron walking for Italy
Prime Minister David Cameron says he will walk between Dorset and Carlisle to raise money to bail out the Italian Government. He'll be joined by Mafia dons, IRA sympathisers and other civic leaders.
Lego and The Sun newspaper end 2 year partnership
They've fallen apart, I mean broken up,
Lego is believed to be in pieces.
Tesco launches rival to Netflix and Lovefilm
I hope theirs no trace of horse meat in this rival?
Microsoft hit by fine after Google tips off EU
Microsoft fined $561m for not offering alternatives to its own browser.
They offered to pay at the rate of $5 dollars a week.
Senior BBC executive claims 6p for a phone call
Haven't they heard of Skype?
Coincidence? Shirley not.
BBC's Mark Thompson took a licence fee payer-funded trip to New York, six months before announcing job at New York Times.
Official Charts Company to launch Christian music chart.
"In at number 10 - Cumbaya m'lord cumbaya gangnam remix! Sensational!
New Perspectives On Primates
Some cultures consider monkey brains to be a delicacy.
Our culture considers monkey brains to be a Congress.
"You dirty Mayor!"
Boris Johnson admits: "I'd love a crack at PM"....later retracts statement saying he actually mean't: "I'd love a go at the PM's crack!"
How to blow 1,8 million quid in 5 minutes!
Ask twat lottery winner who blew it all!
No Party for Republican
House Speaker John Boehner dismayed to find the sequester will likely slow down his liquor shipments.
Debate Between Baptists and Mormons Resort to Molotov Bombings
The debate between Southern Baptists and Mormons regarding Republican candidate Mitt Romney resulted in a Pass The Bomb battle after Mormons blamed the Baptists for Romney's loss during the elections.
UK Prime Minister, David Cameron, has announced he will resign the premiership effective noon tomorrow. He is retiring to the island of St Helena in the south Atlantic Ocean. He blames horse meat!!
Library Sued For Setting Up Faulty Proxy Server
The Starlight Library was sued for dishonesty after setting up a faulty proxy server to its computers. The technician stated that their repair requests are denied by their computer center.
Pope Francis Has Sinister Association with Google
If you "Google rib" you get Pope Francis (a.k.a. Jorge Mario Bergoglio). Conspiracies abound!
Lib Dems look to dump Nick for Vince
The party look to restore their image by dumping Nick the passive prag who does everything the tories say with out question for Vince the grumpy fag who does everything the tories say but has a moan.
English Heritage take Kate to task
English Heritage have intervened after plans became public that Kate Duchess of Cambridge plans to knock the whole of the ground floor of the grade one listed Clarence House into one large kitchen.
Cosmologists Concur at Cambridge
Cosmologists from Cambridge University concurred that the Big Bang was actually more like a Big Fart. It's the only theory of the universe that makes any scents.