Spoof news snippets from Sunday 30 June 2013
Knoxville Man Kicked Out!
Knoxville man ran out of buffet restaurant after customers complained. "I couldn't help myself", stated George Owenby. "I took two Viagra pills by mistake instead of my two heartburn pills."
Could NASA catch an asteroid?
"No, but the earth's surface can..right up the old wazoo", laughed laid-off Houston worker. "In fact, I hope it does. Then we'll see who lost their home. No money for space but plenty for vacations."
France's 'Joan Of Arc' vows to bring back Frank
Marine Le Pen promises voters to smash the existing Soviet European Union and break up that ghastly Yuri currency. Er, who is Frank?
NJ Woman Gives Birth on Front Lawn
"See", says husband. "That longer grass gave you more of a cushion. Every six weeks in soon enough to mow. Now, is that squalling thing a boy or girl?"
Scientists Say They May Have Found Reverse Missing Link
"We will soon be able to show that a common worm can change to a butterfly", says Prof. Henpecker.'We believe that a monkey laid for several days, probably sick, and a butterfly slept in his crotch."
Four Vandy football players dismissed amid sex crime probe
Fourteen Texas Longhorns arrested for cow tipping. "Have sports players completely flipped out?", asks O.J. Simpson.
Some Dems Advise Obama To Dump Biden!
"Are you kidding?, says President. "Why do you think I haven't been assassinated by now?"
Carter's advice for Paula Deen
"You got a sister? lay everything off unto your sister. If not, your brother or your Mama. Then go buy port-O-poties for Haiti. They'll forget everything in a few months.
Obama unveils $7 billion power initiative for Africa
"Chinese can easily afford it, says President.
Discovered: Episode One of Un-houred "Ernest T. Bass Show
Spinoff apparently never got showing because actor left trap door of long-handles open in Premiere.
NSA ACCUSED OF SPYING ON THE EU
EU accused of spying on Russia. Russia accused of spying on China. China exchanged info with North Korea. Now no country is sure of how much real news & fake news are about.
.........baby baby baby
Duchess 'Hotel' baby birth.....Lastminute.com?
.....The Throne Room
House of Lords spending £100,000 of taxpayers money on two new toilets.....proof if needed that the place is full of shits!
Virginia college student arrested after buying bottled water
"I think they just wanted to give me a thorough shakedown", says student.
Man forced to call for help after getting stuck inside charity donation bin
"You are supposed to leave clothing for the poor, not help yourself", the well-dressed male was told by rescue team.
Kerry: Progress made in peace talks
"They both agreed that I have an unusual sized head. Little joke or two."
Vice-President Joe Biden appears to have gone missing. He hasn't been seen since Nov. 20, 1942. President Obama has "no idea" where Biden may be. "He's AWOL," Obama admitted, "or in hiding."
Evolution at work
An already-intense heat wave has intensified further across the southwestern region of the United States as the triple-digit temperatures seek to thin out the herd in California, Arizona, and Nevada.
Obama seeks power over Africa
In advance of Nelson Mandela's imminent death, Barak Obama announced a new "power initiative" for Africa. Critics contend he is referring to a power grab by which to recolonize the dark continent.
Bill Gates: Microsoft is not going gay
To celebrate gays, Microsoft's Bing web browser displayed a rainbow flag on its homepage. Bill Gates denies that he is taking sides in the political issue. "We displayed the flag because it's pretty."
Vanderbilt University football players suspended in sex crimes investigation
"First the Pros, now the colleges. How long before High School athletes get arrested for fragrant wedgie? Uh Flagrant wedgie", states Elementary School Coach.
Joe Biden Is on Edward Snowden's Case
President Obama in Africa: Yeah I heard. Should have known big-mouth couldn't keep quiet."
Will EU entry boost or hamper Croatian tourism?
Taliban spokesman in Afghanistan: "Yep, that our number worry at the present."
Heat wave intensifies across western US
188 degrees recorded in Las Vegas...apparently heat gauge died and partly melted at 129.
Pelosi links immigration bill to presidential race
Also races at Churchill Downs, Belmont and Preakness before being taken to hospital for heat stroke.
Egypt: 300,000 Protesters gather to demand Morsi's ouster
"At least 25% of those are out there supporting him. Somebody cuts a loud one and the stampede could cause hundreds to get trampled", says reporter.
Jessica Korda fired her caddie during the middle of her round at the U.S. Open
"A slap on the back is one thing, a slap your tush is another."
Palin floats idea of leaving Republican Party.
Many on Late Night Talk Shows, Stand-Up Comics placed on death watch.
10,000 re-enact ferocious Gettysburg battle.
Many leaders from Red states watching closely, jotting down notes.
Boxoffice Surprise: 'White House Down' crashes, burns
"No one told us this was a documentary", say many leaving the theaters.
New Poll Released After Huge Survey
"Over 80% of the citizens of the United States say that they believe they fell into a rabbit hole following Alice, Bush, Obama 10 years ago."
VIP: Biden's $665,545 Hotel Bill in Moscow, Obama's $450,000 Warsaw Tab.
U.S. Doesn't Seem To Care but Chinese throwing a fit. "Look where they're wasting our dollars!"
Too sweet to eat
American school kids reject the more nutritious lunches Michelle Obama seeks to shove down their throats. In retaliation, the First Lady orders vending machines to stock granola, not candy, bars.
Obama compares Nelson Mandela to George Washington
"While Washington was white, Mandela is black." Newspapers can't explain why that was important "But we have to put both names in the news everyday if we're going to sell any", says spokesman.
The NSA has admitted that over 80% of neighbors gossiping over back fenced were secretly wired.
SUV Towed From Hernandez's Uncle's Home Matches Vehicle Sought In Double Murder Case.
"At least all this news will make everyone forget we secretly filmed other football teams", says Patriots owner...according to the NSA.
PAPER: NSA has secret data collection agreement with European countries. #2
Secret recording revealed of President Obama telling Snowden, "Looks like we pulled it off. Better sneak home soon before Putin finds out."
PAPER: NSA has secret data collection agreement with European countries
Many which have been complaining about it. Wheels within wheels!
Jacko spent $35 million to silence at least two dozen boys he abused'
According to new report, at least two small women cut hair short and visited. "Hey, a million dollars is a million dollars. More than I could make in a lifetime in Vegas."
I Can't Get No Ri..ri..bena!
The Rolling Stones debut at Glastonbury...like watching a piss poor tribute act....give it up guys you are way past your best before!
East Tennessee man tells police he was scalped in Cherokee!
After police pull off his hunting cap and see full head of hair, the man yelled, "I can't go home. I lost our house at the casino. The old lady will scalp me!"