Spoof news snippets from Saturday 29 June 2013
Relief As Missing Pensioners Found Safe And Well
'We were really worried when they wandered-off from their homes on Saturday night,' said a concerned relative. 'Fortunately the police found them safe and well, playing the main stage at Glastonbury.'
USDA approves horse slaughterhouse to produce meat for human consumption
I can see it up on the telly commercial, "The McTrigger Is Back! Stop horsing around and trot on down."
Ecuadorian president says he spoke with Biden about Snowden
"Or it could be the other way around. Which one is the VP? We don't get cable here."
Canada accuses Muslim Student of Blasphemy
"She made a bad remark about Christians and since THEY are always....well, Canada hasn't been in the news for awhile", admits attorney.
Somali Shebab extremists kill two of their own chiefs: spokesman
"This has gotten very complicated. We can't recall who is who anymore. Sorry guys. Our Bad!"
Iran nuclear chief dashes hopes of resolution
"Israel is going down even if we have to destroy the whole world to do it and all my virgins have the faces of a jackass!"
The Japanese "Eat Your Heart Out" Diet
Scientists in Japan say they are growing human organs in pigs and transplanting them into humans. "Should be big success with U.S. porkers", says Dr. Yamayoko.
NSA says they have developed a robotic bird that looks and flies like a bird to use for surveillance.
The only trouble is, they made them after the male of the species and so far, they have lost every battle with their real counterparts who think they're after their old lady.
Syrian fighter jets hit central city of Homs
First time a kamikazi raid recorded since world War Two!
US aid for Haiti falls short of promises
Also told to hold unto that IOU for another year or two.
New "Terminator" trilogy approved
Paramount has announced that a "trilogy" of new Terminator movies will be filmed. "No cast or crew are needed," an executive said. "The films are so familiar they can shoot themselves."
6-year-old transsexual wins rights to girls' potty
Six year-old transsexual Coy Mathis will be allowed to pee sitting down--in his grade school's girls' bathroom. A state judge ruled that the school's female students must relieve themselves outdoors.
Alec Baldwin: "I'm not homophobic"
After tweeting of his desire to "foot f**k" a gay reporter, actor Alec Baldwin denied that he is homophobic. "I just have a foot fetish," he explained, "and the reporter has a nice, hot ass."
Obama snubs Mandela, refuses to meet with him
President Barak Obama, visiting Africa, refused to meet with former South African leader and hero emeritus Nelson Mandela. "Since he's dying," Obama said, "he's of no political value to me."
Extreme heat wave will worsen today.
So hot in Las Vegas they arrested over twenty Elvis Imitators for swimming nude in the Bellagio Dancing Waters.
Obama In Africa
The United States does not feel threatened by the growth of trade and investment in Africa by China and other emerging powers, states Prez. "Just another place we can hit up for a loan.
Face transplant patient loses face
After receiving a face transplant, Rick Norris finds that "no one will speak to me." He believes his problem may be that surgeons used an Obama mask as the template in molding his new likeness.
At last, Chris Christie finds something even he can't stomach
Republican Gov. Chris Christie, despite ongoing bouts with obesity, managed to distance himself from the president. Once cozy with Obama, Christie, who seeks re-election, said, "He's distatesful."
Alec Baldwin puts foot in mouth
Alec Baldwin tweeted to a gay journalist who allegedly insulted the actor's wife, "I'd put my foot up your ass, but I'm afraid I'd enjoy it too much." Baldwin's foot fetish is legendary (now).
Harry Reid Calls House GOP "Crazy"
"Since Dems lost their minds a few years back, where are we?"
Taliban Attack Shows Militant Spirit Unbroken
"After all", states historian, "What else are they going to do in that desolate place?"
Alternative birth control now available to all
In the United States, morning-after abortifacients must be sold to minors 12 and older, courts hold, with or without parental consent or physician consultation. Younger girls may seek hysterectomies.
First One Spotted!
New Lawn Chair suicide terrorist spotted drifting away from target and headed out to sea.
Blue State/Red State Feud
Blue state, Red state politicians finally come to blows in Washington. Many reporters are calling it "The Battle of Bullshit Run".
Gays Switching Religion
With the passing of the new same-sex law, many many are joining older Mormon sect.
Paula Deen offered new opportunity
Embattled chef Paula Dean has lost her TV show, her sponsors, her sales outlets, and her publisher. However, she's been given a chance to star as a victim in a reality TV show, When Pit Bulls Attack.
Birdwatchers see rare bird killed by wind turbine
Third one wiped out so far this year. Several fried by solar heat. One conservationist shat and went blind.
Riders start on Corsica for 100th Tour de France
New records expected as all participants admit that they're on drugs. "What are they gonna do, stop the event after 99 years?" asks biker who heads in the wrong direction.
No brain, no matter
President Obama is often called a political "rock star." It may be bad for his image, then, that a real rocker, Mick Jagger himself, recently said, "You don't have to have brains to be a rock star."
Just Like That, Gay Marriage Is Once Again Legal in California
"Common Law" marriages already been legal in Arkansas for decades. The "You Lives Together, You Weds Each Other" law of 1911,
Very Thorough Background Checks Offered
Instant Checkmate provides accurate and comprehensive background checks for anyone in the U.S. See Arrests, Driving Records, that time you were in the tree with the binoculars and more!
Momentous Supreme Court term ends with flourish
Kennedy and Ginsberg do a little Dance and take a bow as the crowd applauded, slipped in some cash.
Obama tells leaders to follow Mandela's example
"When it comes your time to die you just have to die!"
UPDATE: UK may approve creating babies with DNA from 3 people.
Guv Official: Sorry. Only three allowed. The rest of you may as well give it up.
Freak heat for West
With all those face-lifts and plastic surgery in Hollywood, many are running from shade area to shade area as melting body parts turn them into freaks.
Melissa Etheridge to wed
Lesbian rock star Melissa Etheridge says she is marrying. "I don't know who yet," she admitted, "but I'm not about to let the opportunity slip away now that the Supreme Court will let me marry pussy."
Michelle Obama: Paula Deen Can Cook for us!
"Provide she knows her place and doesn't mock her betters."
Too little, too late?
Although newly discovered photos and other artefacts may help locate American flier Amelia Earhart, it may be too late to save her, as she vanished over 75 years ago and possibly could be dead by now.
New Guinea may change national coat of arms
To honor natives' virility, New Guinea may add penis sheaths to the nation's traditional coat of arms. Made of gourds and decorated with animal teeth, some sheaths may contain semen or other fluids.
Queen receives increase in income
Queen Elizabeth just set the United Kingdom back another million pounds, the amount of her pension increase. "However," Her Majesty proclaims, "I'm worth it."
Chaz Bono would like to wed
Cher's transsexual son, Chaz (nee Chastity), would like to take advantage of the recent Supreme Court ruling allowing gay marriage, but "no one's interested in being my wife," he laments.
Jean Podrasky to wed
Lesbian Jean Podrasky vows to take vows now that her cousin, Chief Justice John Roberts, and his colleagues made it legal to marry same-sex partners. "I'm happy to help Jean with that," Roberts said.
Alec Baldwin's sweet tweets
During James Gandolfini's funeral, bad boy actor Alec Baldwin tweeted, "For the worms," the obese celebrity's remains will be "sweet treats." Later, he apologized. "I meant 'sweet meats,'" he said.