Spoof news snippets from Friday 28 June 2013
Violence flares in Egypt before weekend protests
Next week to bring out fisticuffs and then terrorist bombings week following & all-out war by end of July. Or not.
Bert and Ernie come out in NEW YORKER
Kermit the Frog says that he could jump either way.
Mouse cloned from single drop of blood.
And that's good news for all of us who love our homes being overran by mice!
Get Anything You Need at Amazon.com
Just like you could in the old days at "Alice's Restaurant".
Jimmy Carter urges forgiveness for Deen
Several in Plains, Georgia say "You should have heard Billy after he's had a few.
The Super Bowl Ring And Putin
Suppose Vladimir Putin returns the stolen Super Bowl ring, what are the odds it'll be radioactive?
Sam Cam must really get her dentist to fix things properly
A count of her televised gnashers reached nearly 100 today!
Medicare Getting Close!
One of the few certainties at this point is that reimbursement for med services will decrease, health care providers be paid less to deliver more care, each patient will be seen on rotating belts.
Rhythmic gymnast Alina Kabaeva breaks her silence about Putin romance
Says she's bent over backwards keeping it out of the papers
Mick Jagger 'thought about becoming a Mars Bar salesman' but...
the idea left him with a funky taste in the mouth!
118 degrees in Phoenix, West braces for heat wave #2
"By the time I get to Phoenix, she'll be frying", makes comeback for Glen Campbell.
118 degrees in Phoenix, West braces for heat wave
"Rattlesnake rattlers dropping off, scorpions biting their own tails, it's bad out here says Park Ranger.
Grandma, 100, graduates Mexico elementary school
Heads for Cancun yelling "PARTY!! PARTY!! Bring on the lifeguards!"
LA's 'Teardrop' rapist linked to 35 assaults, cops say
"He always seems so ashamed of that one-inch penis", stated one victim.
Woman's 'foot orgasm' is first known case
"It seems to happen every time i hear Chevy Chases "Happy Feet", says 29-year-old.
Charges Against Teen Over NRA T-Shirt Dropped
Also, all baggy pants at school, dropped! All care over these kids at school by teachers over whether the idiots graduate or not, dropped. "Just as long as I can get outa here before I die", says one.
Winning without doping was impossible, says Armstrong
Hmmmm. Wonder how all those other guys won the event over the many years before you?
Woman at Jersey Shore ticketed for dangerous swimming
"That's one huge lady", says lifeguard on duty. "I don't think I've ever seen anyone whale-paddling before."
True Facts According To Snoops #287
The flyswatter was invented by the grill fryer, "Hairy Leonard" at "Sloppy Petes" in 1927, when he got tired of being buzzed and began swatting them with his spatula while frying bacon and eggs.
Two-Headed Turtle Hatches at San Antonio Zoo
It's immediately placed for sale on eBay!
Exploding Fridge Leads to Pot Find in San Diego
"How many times have I told the wife, whatsare face, 'DON'T STORE THE POT WITH THE METH'", says accused being led away in handcuffs.
Senate OKs sweeping immigration bill
"I voted for it", states anonymous Senator. "But how many sweeping jobs are there in the United States today?"
Paula Deen's empire unravels
"She should have used a little common sense", says Martha Stewart!
Flavor experiment: Wash. farmer feeds pot to pigs
In letter to editor on article, reader suggests it would be better to feed the pigs doughnuts. Arrested soon after for littering.
Better Get Out The Vaseline!
Shortly after it was voted down, a $10 billion transportation revenue package that includes a 10 1/2-cent hike in the gas tax was approved yesterday by the state House.
How to Avoid Getting Burned by Bonds
Authorities: If you see Barry carrying a torch, immediately flee the area!
Weekend heat wave to bake western US
This morning local DJ fries egg on top of window air conditioner.
Israelis brand selves in solidarity with animals
One death after receiving brand of Leviathan.
Iranian official signals no scaling back in nuclear activity
He was still glowing after the lights were all turned out.
Three New Rivers!
Spring rains and flooding create three new rivers in the U.S. I would print their names but they would only be bleeped out.
NASA's Voyager 1 craft enters unfamiliar space
Catches phrase "Resistance is futile!" from somewhere farther away.
Drugs flood US border crossing
Cocaine, heroin heading north, Meth, cheap moonshine heading south.
10 fascinating facts about Hillary Clinton
Number One: She began life as Herbert Bob Rodham III.
Baldwin Explodes After Wife Accused of Tweeting at Gandolfini Funeral
"That was a stupid **** bird outside a ******* raised window!"
NC becomes 1st state to drop federal jobless funds
First "shots" of a new War Between The States? Or was it Wall Street's "Battle of Bull-Market Run"?
Vatican official arrested trying to smuggle 20 million euros into Italy government plane.
Immediately turned into the jawbone of an ass by Pope.
Freak heat: Phoenix set for 116
Death Valley 130! Las Vegas 115, 125 inside with showgirls!
Vending machine. The government is booting junk foods out of vending machines in schools.
Students predict black-market snickers bars could go for up to $5.00.
Obama: We need not panic over Snowden's whereabouts!
Joe Biden says Obama doesn't want Snowden hunt to damage ties with Russia, China, Dog the Bounty Hunter.
Study shows that lettuce, cabbage, spinach are most likely to contain poisons!
Big cheer across the United States as everyone heads back for second and third helping of chicken nuggets and fries.
China threatens to weaken dollar!
President Obama: Go ahead. You have more than we do.
PAYPAL wants to launch intergalactic currency
"We're suggesting the gold-pressed latinum standard to begin with", says spokesman.
REPORT: 27 NFL Players Arrested Since Super Bowl
And we thought NBA basketball players were the "Hoodlums".
Paula Deen Surges Past 'Game of Thrones' to Top Spot on Amazon
Allegedly tells abandoning sponsors "Kiss my big fat behind. I'm gonna, eat, write cookbooks and shine!"