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Violence flares in Egypt before weekend protests

Next week to bring out fisticuffs and then terrorist bombings week following & all-out war by end of July. Or not.

written by Bureau, 28 June 2013
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Bert and Ernie come out in NEW YORKER

Kermit the Frog says that he could jump either way.

written by Bureau, 28 June 2013
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Mouse cloned from single drop of blood.

And that's good news for all of us who love our homes being overran by mice!

written by Bureau, 28 June 2013
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Get Anything You Need at Amazon.com

Just like you could in the old days at "Alice's Restaurant".

written by Bureau, 28 June 2013
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Jimmy Carter urges forgiveness for Deen

Several in Plains, Georgia say "You should have heard Billy after he's had a few.

written by Bureau, 28 June 2013
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The Super Bowl Ring And Putin

Suppose Vladimir Putin returns the stolen Super Bowl ring, what are the odds it'll be radioactive?

written by K.C. Bell, 28 June 2013
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Sam Cam must really get her dentist to fix things properly

A count of her televised gnashers reached nearly 100 today!

written by queen mudder, 28 June 2013
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Medicare Getting Close!

One of the few certainties at this point is that reimbursement for med services will decrease, health care providers be paid less to deliver more care, each patient will be seen on rotating belts.

written by Bureau, 28 June 2013
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Rhythmic gymnast Alina Kabaeva breaks her silence about Putin romance

Says she's bent over backwards keeping it out of the papers

written by queen mudder, 28 June 2013
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Mick Jagger 'thought about becoming a Mars Bar salesman' but...

the idea left him with a funky taste in the mouth!

written by queen mudder, 28 June 2013
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118 degrees in Phoenix, West braces for heat wave #2

"By the time I get to Phoenix, she'll be frying", makes comeback for Glen Campbell.

written by Bureau, 28 June 2013
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118 degrees in Phoenix, West braces for heat wave

"Rattlesnake rattlers dropping off, scorpions biting their own tails, it's bad out here says Park Ranger.

written by Bureau, 28 June 2013
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Grandma, 100, graduates Mexico elementary school

Heads for Cancun yelling "PARTY!! PARTY!! Bring on the lifeguards!"

written by Bureau, 28 June 2013
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LA's 'Teardrop' rapist linked to 35 assaults, cops say

"He always seems so ashamed of that one-inch penis", stated one victim.

written by Bureau, 28 June 2013
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Woman's 'foot orgasm' is first known case

"It seems to happen every time i hear Chevy Chases "Happy Feet", says 29-year-old.

written by Bureau, 28 June 2013
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Charges Against Teen Over NRA T-Shirt Dropped

Also, all baggy pants at school, dropped! All care over these kids at school by teachers over whether the idiots graduate or not, dropped. "Just as long as I can get outa here before I die", says one.

written by Bureau, 28 June 2013
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Winning without doping was impossible, says Armstrong

Hmmmm. Wonder how all those other guys won the event over the many years before you?

written by Bureau, 28 June 2013
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Woman at Jersey Shore ticketed for dangerous swimming

"That's one huge lady", says lifeguard on duty. "I don't think I've ever seen anyone whale-paddling before."

written by Bureau, 28 June 2013
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True Facts According To Snoops #287

The flyswatter was invented by the grill fryer, "Hairy Leonard" at "Sloppy Petes" in 1927, when he got tired of being buzzed and began swatting them with his spatula while frying bacon and eggs.

written by Bureau, 28 June 2013
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Two-Headed Turtle Hatches at San Antonio Zoo

It's immediately placed for sale on eBay!

written by Bureau, 28 June 2013
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Exploding Fridge Leads to Pot Find in San Diego

"How many times have I told the wife, whatsare face, 'DON'T STORE THE POT WITH THE METH'", says accused being led away in handcuffs.

written by Bureau, 28 June 2013
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Senate OKs sweeping immigration bill

"I voted for it", states anonymous Senator. "But how many sweeping jobs are there in the United States today?"

written by Bureau, 28 June 2013
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Paula Deen's empire unravels

"She should have used a little common sense", says Martha Stewart!

written by Bureau, 28 June 2013
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Flavor experiment: Wash. farmer feeds pot to pigs

In letter to editor on article, reader suggests it would be better to feed the pigs doughnuts. Arrested soon after for littering.

written by Bureau, 28 June 2013
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Better Get Out The Vaseline!

Shortly after it was voted down, a $10 billion transportation revenue package that includes a 10 1/2-cent hike in the gas tax was approved yesterday by the state House.

written by Bureau, 28 June 2013
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How to Avoid Getting Burned by Bonds

Authorities: If you see Barry carrying a torch, immediately flee the area!

written by Bureau, 28 June 2013
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Weekend heat wave to bake western US

This morning local DJ fries egg on top of window air conditioner.

written by Bureau, 28 June 2013
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Israelis brand selves in solidarity with animals

One death after receiving brand of Leviathan.

written by Bureau, 28 June 2013
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Iranian official signals no scaling back in nuclear activity

He was still glowing after the lights were all turned out.

written by Bureau, 28 June 2013
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Three New Rivers!

Spring rains and flooding create three new rivers in the U.S. I would print their names but they would only be bleeped out.

written by Bureau, 28 June 2013
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NASA's Voyager 1 craft enters unfamiliar space

Catches phrase "Resistance is futile!" from somewhere farther away.

written by Bureau, 28 June 2013
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Drugs flood US border crossing

Cocaine, heroin heading north, Meth, cheap moonshine heading south.

written by Bureau, 28 June 2013
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10 fascinating facts about Hillary Clinton

Number One: She began life as Herbert Bob Rodham III.

written by Bureau, 28 June 2013
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Baldwin Explodes After Wife Accused of Tweeting at Gandolfini Funeral

"That was a stupid **** bird outside a ******* raised window!"

written by Bureau, 28 June 2013
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NC becomes 1st state to drop federal jobless funds

First "shots" of a new War Between The States? Or was it Wall Street's "Battle of Bull-Market Run"?

written by Bureau, 28 June 2013
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Vatican official arrested trying to smuggle 20 million euros into Italy government plane.

Immediately turned into the jawbone of an ass by Pope.

written by Bureau, 28 June 2013
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Freak heat: Phoenix set for 116

Death Valley 130! Las Vegas 115, 125 inside with showgirls!

written by Bureau, 28 June 2013
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Vending machine. The government is booting junk foods out of vending machines in schools.

Students predict black-market snickers bars could go for up to $5.00.

written by Bureau, 28 June 2013
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Obama: We need not panic over Snowden's whereabouts!

Joe Biden says Obama doesn't want Snowden hunt to damage ties with Russia, China, Dog the Bounty Hunter.

written by Bureau, 28 June 2013
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Study shows that lettuce, cabbage, spinach are most likely to contain poisons!

Big cheer across the United States as everyone heads back for second and third helping of chicken nuggets and fries.

written by Bureau, 28 June 2013
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China threatens to weaken dollar!

President Obama: Go ahead. You have more than we do.

written by Bureau, 28 June 2013
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PAYPAL wants to launch intergalactic currency

"We're suggesting the gold-pressed latinum standard to begin with", says spokesman.

written by Bureau, 28 June 2013
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REPORT: 27 NFL Players Arrested Since Super Bowl

And we thought NBA basketball players were the "Hoodlums".

written by Bureau, 28 June 2013
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Paula Deen Surges Past 'Game of Thrones' to Top Spot on Amazon

Allegedly tells abandoning sponsors "Kiss my big fat behind. I'm gonna, eat, write cookbooks and shine!"

written by Bureau, 28 June 2013
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