Spoof news snippets from Thursday 27 June 2013
New Yoghurt Corner
Muller have launched a new range of Greek Style yoghurt corners. These include Mousaka, Doner Kebab, Halloumi and humus. "They're delicious," winced Mark E Ting, head of marketing.
No One Ever Remembers Them
Many Washington insiders say that Joe What's-His-Ass may go down in history as the one VP most remembered.
US Tourists in China Warned
United States tourists warned about burning dollar bill while on trip to China. "Look! I'm burning up YOUR money!"
Taxes No Big Deal
A new poll shows that most Americans don't mind tax rate increases. "Not many of us left with any money left after gas and groceries", say 75%.
Mo Farah under investigation for breaking wind in Wimbledon Royal Box
Strict protocol applies about who goes first.
Who's Next In Afghanistan!?
President Obama says U.S. will be out of Afghanistan by 2016. "Our turn is up", I think it's Uganda's turn next."
Cash to fix 19 million potholes in Camden
Skunk-smoking festival really wrecked the roads
Eat To Beat The New Health Laws #2
New health law says that a person has to be really obese to get free stomach stapling. Signs on Poles at doctors office, "YOUR ASS MUST BE THIS WIDE FOR FREE OPERATION!".
Eat To Beat The New Health Laws
Doctors urge obese patients to eat more. "Under Obamacare if they can get over 400 pounds the operation is free", one explains.
Dzhokhar Tsarnaev indicted on criminal charges for Boston Marathon bombing
Attorney claims it's a bomb rap!
Barack Obama will not 'scramble eggs' for Edward Snowden
The guy's goose is cooked enough as it is.
Woman arrested for wearing thong bikini on beach
A Myrtle Beach, SC, woman was arrested for wearing a thong bikini. Police said, "She knew full well she was on a nude beach and had been warned twice to disrobe." She has since complied with the law.
Couple arrested for sex in public
A Pennsylvania couple were arrested for having sex in public. Twenty-five police officers were on hand to take the culprits into custody. The female was promply subjected to a cavity search.
Many asking Is Paula Deen Done?
If so, she needs to get off the pot..or on it, her choice.
For Martha, cleanliness next to godlienss
Martha Stewart admits to having threesomes but maintains that she is careful "to change the sheets" each time. "For me," she added, "cleanliness is next to godliness."
Doctor: Know These 3 Warning Signs You're About to Suffer Dementia
1, You discover that you have been wearing your socks on the wrong feet. 2. They are on your mother's feet. 3. You don't remember purchasing the Bates Motel.
Martha Stewart's sexual confessions
While jailed for lying to the FBI, Martha Stewart said she "got close" to her female cellmate--so close, in fact, that she now shares a bed with her during threesomes with others of either sex.
Senate poised to pass amnesty bill!
Bill so full of pork Jews and Muslims have to leave visiting DC crowds.
A Rock Island, NYC, thug has been arrested and charged with assault on an officer. During the arrest, the criminal grabbed the officer by his testicles. "What a nutjob!" the officer ejaculated.
IMF: 'Climate change will create jobs'
"Especially in the fields of medicine, nursing, doctors, gravediggers, tombstone makers, embalmers...."
Michelle O. Likens Her Upbringing to Senegalese Children's.
This is the twentieth background comparison thus far. From the Queen of England to Senegalese children. Many say she's better politician than husband. Lookout Hilary.
Transgender lingerie line launched
Fashion designer Eu Nuk has launched a new lingerie line for men who want to be women. All outfits include padded bras and a patented "penis tucker" to "swell these and quell those," Nuks says.
Miss World Pageant bans bikinis
Stung by charges of "sexism," promoters of the Miss World Pageant have banned bikinis altogether. Contestants must parade themselves before judges "just as the good Lord made them," promoters say.
Walmart parts company with Paula Deen
Walmart has parted ways with Paula Deen after she allegedly made racial slurs, but it continues to stock gangsta rap because, despite lyrics laced with the "N" word, it "sells big among blacks."
Edwin Schmieding, Mich. farmer with 8,000 marijuana plants, gets probation not prison!
"I was using them to feed my hogs until these PIGS showed up", laughed Schmieding.
Two-headed turtle born in Texas zoo
So far he has no name but "Barack Obama" leading the vote, with "Willie's Pigtails" in second.
Paula Deen Suffers Breakdown
Docs: So far all we can get from her is an occasional "BAM!"
American exec held by workers in Chinese plant freed
May even rehire some of those who kept him prisoner. (If he knows what is good for him).
Assessing the political landscape after same-sex marriage rulings
Bertie Fillpot announces for mayor of Shotgun, Arizona!
Obama "concerned" Edward Snowden could leak more
"He will leak plenty if we find him", says spokesman for SEALS.
Obama: Not scrambling jets for Snowden
"There are over 3,000 drones searching already."
Same-sex marriage: Local couple reacts to court's ruling on DOMA!
"I do wish Limbaugh would quit calling it "The Ned Beatty Act"!
11 Food Ingredients Banned Outside the U.S. That We Eat
Arsenic! We still use it in chicken feed so we get it secondhand. Also, Roadkill Pot Pies!
Get Your Vehicle Ready for Summer Road Trips Today
Have those tires checked, fluids, battery. And now, back to The Spoof's Snippets. (Also don't forget to gas up) (That's the vehicle, not you and family at the restaurants).
American economy "booming"
According to President Obama, who's vacationing with his family in Africa, the US economy is "booming." Unemployment has dropped to an all-time low of 23% of the adult population, minorities excluded.
Seven lost at sea
Seven Americans aboard a schooner caught in a horrific storm at sea appealed to a New Zealand meterologist for help. "How do we get out of this?" the crew asked. "Go down with the ship" was the reply.
Germany seeks extradiction of alleged spy
Germany has requested that Croatia extradict an alleged spy. President Obama, who failed to have China extradict NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden, said, "Good luck with that."
Paula Deen On President Obama's visit to Africa:
"How do we know they'll send us the right one back? What? What?"
Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes replaced
Criticized for replacing the late, if not so great, Lisa ("Left Eye") Lopes with a Japanese singer, TLC bandmates said, "We had to. That bitch be dead."
The Queen's 5%
The Queen will be getting 5% of the money earmarked for Welfare as she has to pay Price Philip's Hospital Bills.
Obese Americans Confront "Brutal Disease"!
Also, barbaric bellies causing partial blindness to anything on ground they may stumble over, what their feet and private parts look like.
China accuses U.S. of cyber security hypocrisy amid Snowden dispute
Also accuse United States as being almost as they are. But, "We're still #1!"
FDA out to kill you
The FDA allows a toxic and corrosive chemical in soft drinks that Europeans have banned as a health hazard. "Americans," the FDA said, "even the women, are more manly than Europeans."
Farmer feeds pot to pigs!
"Just wanted to see if they really could fly once they get high enough."
Dems who backed DOMA laud its end
"This law should never have been passed", says former President Clinton. "Even if I did approve it. But Monica was coming over that afternoon...I made a mistake."
Senate on verge of historic immigration vote
Perhaps that is why so many of us have that "Lemmings" feeling lately as the cliff gets closer.
All-Star Game Bulletin
Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig has killed the opening musical number for this year's All-Star game. It was called "When You Wish Upon a Steroid," and featured Goofy and Tinkerbell.
Kim and Kanye baffled by Brit broadsheet headline
'North West's shale gas could fuel UK for 43 years' says The Times.
Holly Willoughby bares boobs on national TV
Holly Willoughby bared her boobs on the BBC. Effeminate British blokes were not impressed; her display prompted 139 complaints. Nevertheless, Holly remains unrepentant: "I wear what I like," she says.
San Francisco (mostly) bans public nudity
San Francisco has outlawed public nudity except by participants in Gay Pride events, declaring homosexuals "an endangered species," which is protected, as such, from the law's enforcement.
Michelle Obama a "huge Hemingway fan"
During the Obama family's African safari, while the president hunts lions, the First Lady will read Ernest Hemingway's "The Short Happy Life of Francis Macomber" and Other Short Stories.
Sharon Osbourne fancies Prince Charles
Told that Sharon Osbourne would have anal sex with him in exchange for a royal title, Prince Charles quipped, "'Pain in the Ass' comes to mind." (Ozzie said he'd "do the prince" for free.)
CDC: American men big on anal sex
According to a study by the Centers for Disease Control (CDC), 40% of American men between the ages of 15 and 44 have had heterosexual anal sex, and the remaining 60% have had homosexual anal sex.
"Crossfire" returns to CNN
Communist Network News (CNN) is bringing its once-popular Crossfire political talk show back. This time, the host and his guests will be armed with loaded revolvers. The first guest? Newt Gingrich.
77-year-old golfer to pose nude
Plans to sell pics to 80-plus women who have outlived husbands. "It should bring back some memories for them", says 77-year-old male. "Hope there's no groupies as I can't run very fast."
Why 4-day workweeks are best?
"Because we get to have three days off, Einstein", says factory worker.