Spoof news snippets from Tuesday 25 June 2013
Paula Deen's sons defend her against charges of racism
"Mom is no more a racist than we are," Bobby Deen said. "She wouldn't say anything we wouldn't say," brother Jamie agreed. Deen's sons are the celebrity chef's partners in a restaurant named Sambo's
Jackie Chan not yet dead
Quashing rumors of his death, martial arts expert and actor Jackie Chan said, "I'm not dead, nor has Chuck Norris killed me. Like Mark Twain, "news of my death is greatly exaggerated."
.....3 Hail Mary's and a large Fries.
'Pray for Mandela', says Zuma....why, what's he done wrong this time?
Resident rock dweller and unemployed Home Secretary Jack Straw 'appalled' by Lawrence family spying, why not keep you curtains drawn and your flies done up Jacko...simples cobber.
Scotty Pippen investigated for assault on a former fan
Former Chicago Bulls player, NBA superstar Scotty Pippen, is being investigated for assaulting a fan. "He want my autograph, but he don't want to pay," Pippen said, "so I give him a fist in the face."
Good news for golfers who don't know enough to come in out of the rain
According to meterologists, it's okay to play golf during thunderstorms, because lightning more frequently strikes fishermen than it does golfers. Golf, anyone?
Powerful NASA spy-in-the-sky locates Edward Snowden
Whistleblower seen delivering takeaway 'kebabs' to Julian Assange in Ecuador London embassy
Now for the local news: Both our cats had a breakfast of Sheeba Seafood and have gone back to bed. Looks like that rain may hold off another day. Wasn't that a toad-choker yesterday, though?
Last-minue goals power Chicago to Stanley Cup
The Boston Bruins will receive the Doc Livingston Cup as runner-up, we presume.
Another business drops Paula Deen
FAMOUS AMOS Cookies say they have also dropped Deen from their ads.
Korean War Anniversary Celebrated
Major websites in both North and South Korea crashed for hours on the 63rd anniversary of the start of the Korean war. "At least they r leafing us out of the boogie woogie macarena", stated VP Nixon.
Obama hit by Snowden setbacks with China, Russia
Also, ripe tomatoes, rotten potatos. CIA looking to find someone who spells "potatoes" wrong.
Pork-Laced Ammo Designed to Send Muslims to Hell
Also working on hog manure cluster bombs.
Russia Scared To Death of Helping Iran
Now that Iran may have nuclear weapons, they threaten to use them on Russia if Russia doesn't send more help building many more of them. Putin pissed.
Obama unveils plan that skirts Congress.
This time all of congress may hold filibuster. Rand Paul: I will NOT wear a skirt.
WH Climate Adviser: 'A War on Coal Is Exactly What's Needed'.
"Charge the poor relying on it and they'll be lined up for our porridge every day."
WASHPOST: Obama's hands-off approach draws criticism.
"I mean the man is supposed to take responsibility for SOMETHING!" (Wash Post)
Snoops True Facts # 303
Snoops Absolutely True Facts: Until the year 1642, there were no leprechauns!
Snoops True Facts #160
From Snoops True Facts: "The Buck Stops Here" did not originate with Harry Trueman but with Teddy Roosevelt. Plus it was a deer head behind desk.
RUSSIAN FM: Snowden never crossed border into Russia.
Authorities now think that Snowden has changed his name 15 time, the latest that of "David Blaine".
Beijing bans Labrador retrievers
Officials in Beijing, China, have banned Labrador retrievers after receiving numerous complaints about the large canines. "Their meat too tough, too stringy," Chinese authorities charge.
Joan Rivers bonds with Bristol Palin
After swapping her own daughter Melissa for Sarah Palin's daughter Bristol on Celebrity Wife Swap, Rivers bonded with Bristol, saying, "I shouldn't have judged her; it's not easy being a Gentile."
IRS targeting more widespread than previously thought
Danny Werfel, the new IRS chief, told Congress that his agency targeted more than conservative political groups: "If your last name starts with a letter between 'A' and 'Z,' we targeted you," he said.
Sharapova favored over Williams
According to a poll conducted by Sports Illustrated: The Swimsuit Issue, tennis fans favor Maria Sharapova over Serena Williams "10 to 1" because Sharapova is "hot" and Williams is "not."
Brad Pitt promotes new flick
Actor Brad Pitt says that living with Angelina Jolie all these years prepared him for his role as a zombie fighter in the X-rated film World War Z, cumming soon to a theater near you.
Plants perform arithmetic; calculate square roots
Botanists have learned that plants do complex arithmetic, calculating square roots. Now what will vegans eat? PETA prepares a new nude campaign to save the planet's greenery, recommends starvation.
George Lucas marries
To prove he is not a racist, that he is not a goody-goody, and that he is still "smoking hot"), Star Wars creator George Lucas, 69, wed Mellody Hobson, 44, who comes from the Dark Side of the Farce.
Close Reader Finds Another Secret In Immigration Bill
"Everyone now a citizen of the United States of America will have 24-hr period to pack their things and hit the road."
With new terms Fatty, Obese and What IS That?, being called a Fatass may be a compliment in the rear future...in the near future.
Snowden takes a leak on Uncle Sam
It doesn't take a guy like Eric Snowden to piss down Uncle Sam's back and tell US it's raining, let alone sale US out ?
Justices block generic drug liability lawsuits!
Ads begin everywhere for 12-inch penis, Dolly Parton-type boobs at super low prices.
From Fat To Obese To What?
First Person: Being Called Fat Was Bad Enough; Now I Am Obese. Next what? "Here Comes The Next Big Thing!".
Doctors make progress toward 'artificial penis'
I'm sorry. That should be 'Doctors make progress toward artificial pancreas'.
Latest bird flu strain 'kills more than a third'
So if two of your friends are healthy, better be making some plans.
Snoops True Facts #127
Before changing Leonard Nimoys ears to become Mr. Spock for the original Star Trek, they first gave him a 15-inch snout.
Meanwhile GOP Slips in own law as part of Immigration Bill
"Red states will have the right to say NO to staying in the Union."
US Citizens: Looks like We Defend Ourselves
Latest: Illegals face lesser punishment than U.S. citizens for crimes committed.