Spoof news snippets from Monday 24 June 2013
Judge Getting Very Restrictive
In somewhat of a mix-up, the judge at the Zimmerman trial not only banned his parents, photographers, most of press and half of the jury from today's hearing.
More IRS Revelations
IRS Spokesman admits that they had New Mexico site bugged and have tapes of alien talking. "Sounds like he's on helium."
Tories woo impotent Brit electorate
Promise tax breaks for married couples 'before the next erection'
Stephens Nearly Scared To Death?
Joe Hill's new book is part of the reason Stephen King had to go to emergency room over heartbeat irregularity according to publishers of Joe Hill book. "This is not a uh publicity stunt..ahem..nope!"
North West: Kanye West and Kim Kardashian's baby name
Kim Kardashian tells press that she was glad the baby was a girl. "Kayne wanted Codhopper Hemorrhoid Jung Il if it had been a boy."
Andy Griffith Cloning Goes Wrong
"Somehow we wound up with the DNA of Andy Devine and instead of a clever level headed clone we got a drooling big fat glob with a cowboy hat that wheezes a lot."
President: It's Not My Fault
President Obama says the whole mess in the US is caused by Snowden. "He's bankrupted our great nation while I was on vacation"
White House urges Moscow to expel Snowden to US
"We don't have him here", reports Moscow New source. "He was last seen in Backhairistan headed for the Alphabetastan border."
COUNTRY UGLY: 73 Arrested, Stadium Trashed At Kenny Chesney Concert.
However, $10,000 for charity donated after aluminum beer cans gathered up and sold.
Immigration reform in the House
No more low-paying maids from Honduras, Guatemala will be working for congressmen.
Kerry casts doubt on Taliban talks
"Not so", says politician. "My face ALWAYS looks like this."
Why do we keep executing people?
"Wouldn't it be much more humane to simply place them into the Phantom Zone?", ask President of 'Nerds Against Dead Jailbirds'.
Twinkies are coming back!
Many on their way back to home states where they can now be legally married after recent law changes.
Gandolfini's body back in U.S.
Body will be sent to NYC to be slipped into the East River in ceremony this Friday.
Berlusconi convicted in sex case
"Thank goodness", says former Italian leader. "I have a reputation to maintain here."
Rafael Nadal upset at Wimbledon
Refuses to play any more games with stupid referee, old girlfriend mocking present.
Ky psychiatrist Ed T. Bass arrested after police discover he was a fraud. "We all knowed sumpin' warrent right", according to 'The Sticks'. "He never once ask us "& what do you all thank bout that?"
KGB or not KGB, that is the question!
Red Panda goes missing from Zoo in Washington...home security pulling out all the stops to track him down before he returns to Russia!
Bunga Bunga boy Silvio Berlusconi cops 7 years for dipping his rytham stick into an underage honeypot...should have gone to Specsavers cobbers!
GOP out of step with the times?
Daylight Saving not reached Neanderthal republicans yet
Doctors deny NHS 'is just like Tesco'
More like a a crappy Soviet Union corner store circa 1969
Israel hits back after Gaza rocket
Claims crappy salad item no match for indigenous Lollo Rosso and lambs' lettuce
Berlusconi sentenced to 7 years in 'Bunga-Bunga' trial
Expect a one-way ticket to Ecuador will materialize very soon!
'Godfather' actor Robert Duvall at Whitey Bulger trial
Claims gangster's best lines probably plagiarised from the Oscar-winning movie
Study blames increased smoking for 9/11
Pesky Taleban terrists 'were on six ounces of skunk per day'.
Obama is America's Mikhail Gorbachev?
Signs of ugly portwine stain seen developing over presidential temporal lobe, maybe.
GCHQ taps fibre-optic cables?
Faucet's a real weird place to hide telecoms wiring
Proof if ever it was needed that Wimbledon Royal Box has gone to the dogs?
Pippa Middleton sitting in the front row
Supreme Court verdict on Obama recess appointments
Judges reckon he's just hiding behind a White House hole-in-the-wall
Tablets threaten to kill off PC market?
Sales of paracetamol soar!
NHS is 'Stalinist'?
Don't make me laugh says Politburo quack
Nelson Mandela remains critical
Biggest bugbear? Lousy hospital food.
I got a shock today when I found an undercover policeman in my bed!
Germany investigates commander of Nazi-led unit
But investigation could be held up as two million Nazi Army may resist.
CARR: British Invasion Reshuffles American Media.
Number One show last week: "Last of the Summer Wine" reruns on PBS. Recent economy leaving most of us identifying ourselves with Compo Simmonite.
Kerry: Climate change 'screaming' for more global action.
US public: We don't hear any screaming except from you and Al Gore. Maybe our heads aren't big enough?"
Buchanan: Hispanic influx could break USA into 'two countries'.
Buchanan: Afluencia de hispanos podría romper USA en 'dos países'.
'Monsters' beat Pitt at box; Zombies take 'Superman'
Next weekend: "MONSTERS VERSUS ZOMBIES" in the final!
Supreme Court Has Range of options on gay marriage.
All the way from Yes you can marry someone of the same sex or No, you cannot marry someone of the same sex.
Historic Week Opens as High Court Saves Biggest Cases for Last.
Number One: Whether to continue or give up on finding Jimmy Hoffa.
Airlines rank lower in customer satisfaction -- than the post office.
However, both still 95% higher than President and congress.
Widespread power outrage darkens CA coast
I'm sorry. That should be "Power Outage", not "outrage". At least not as yet.
GRAND STAND: Daredevil sets new tightrope world record
The Flash plans to run across so fast he won't need tightrope. "If a Marvel character can do this, so can one of us from DC."
Three Terrorists Caught!
Police in New York say they have arrested three terrorists and a giant gorilla that the terrorists had planned to release in NYC.
Senate to Vote on Immigration bill before reading it!
"We are too busy with vacations. But Reader's Digest version has helped us out on this one", says Senator. "Gotta go. Family already packed and waiting."
Fallout hits China, Russia...
"Stupid Iran has tripped over nuclear weapon or something. Knew we were wrong helping out those bunglers", states Putin. "Oh, you mean the fallout over Snowden? Never mind."
U.S. warns other countries against harboring Snowden
"Or you will what? Send the Naval SEALS? Tear down statue of our leader? Beat us with wet noodle?"
SNOWDEN'S HK EXIT SHOWS CHINESE ANGER OVER SPYING
Beijing: How dare they steal our methods! Now we feel free to have our own rocker stars and Rocky Top movies.
Prince of Wales unhappy
"I don't like jam buttys, okay?" cried the HRH Prince of Wales when a dotty old lady offered him a plate numerous times at a function for World War II veterans. "Now bugger off!" he added succinctly.
VP Joe Biden Lists Top Fears
1. Massive Terrorist Attack 2. Meteor Might Hit Earth 3. Clowns.
Facebook CEO charms South Koreans with "proper handshake"
On a goodwill tour of Asia, Mark Zuckerberg, 29, delighted South Koreans by palming a joy buzzer when he shook their hands. "They're really like children," he beamed. "They'll love Facebook."
Twinkies make comeback
Twinkies, pulled from grocery shelves when Hostess went bankrupt months ago, are coming back, with but one change: wrappers with new expiration dates have been added. They have an amazing shelf life.
Nelson Mandela to be freeze-dried
Giving up on saving the life of ailing former South African leader Nelson Mandela, doctors suggest his family freeze-dry him. That way, he can still appear in the news and bring them more attention.
Sheep-eating plant proves to be omnivorous
UK botanists have weened puya chilensis off meat. Normally, the barbed plant traps and eats sheep. Scientists say it is "omnivorous." In short, don't get too close: the damned thing will eat anything!