Spoof news snippets from Sunday 23 June 2013
Pope Francis said it is a sin for people to waste food.
He then admitted that, though the United States throws away a lot of stuff at restaurants, most of the world would not actually call the stuff food.
Mayor: 'Can't control Mother Nature'
Mayor's wife: No, but you can control the toilet lid when taken a whiz.
NFL player's house searched again
"We just wanted to make sure all our bugging devices were still there", states FBI agent.
Christie Having Problems
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie belted gut slipped in the middle of speech yesterday and witnesses say his ass increased until he fell backwards & couldn't get up.
Stones Back On Tour
Jagger/Richards say that "The Geritol Tour" could actually turn out to be their last.
Suicide Bomber Has Heart Attack
Kabul: A potential suicide bomber apparently had a heart attack before making it to his destination, according to doctor there. "High blood pressure, no meds, the man was a walking time-bomb."
Snowden Seeking Asylum in Ecuador
Possibly Cuba, Russia, Maybe Venezuela, most likely Backhairistan.
Chicago Mayor Honors War Heroes, Thieves
Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel announced that in recognition of our veterans, the city will turn off all the lights for two hours every night. "It'll allow our people to see the night skies once again."
President On Obamacare
Asked today about Obamacare changes coming up, the President told reporters, "I'll answer all your questions just as soon as I finish reading it."
.....bring out yer dead cobber!
George 'Abacus' Osbourne claims that the British economy is 'leaving intensive care'......what he fails to mention is it's heading for the mortuary!
Little Eddie Milipeed warns of 'hard reality ahead'.....roughly translated as: "you'll be hard pressed to find a job Ed once you are dumped into the dustbin of history!"
Poor Al Gore
Poor Al Gore. Not many are showing interest is his global warming tirades but, even though he is a multi-millionaire, he can't draw out much money as it would kill hundreds of trees to make the cash.
A plumbers union reports that there has been some "Bad Shat" going down in Detroit and Chicago lately.
Strange New Sickness In Arkansas Explained
"It turned out that all were men, all visited Walmart and were using up-skirt shots", says doctor. "It's similar of delayed shock felt by vets returning from a war."
New ammo in U. S.'s holy war against Islam
An innovative company's new ammo for the U. S's holy war against militant Islam? Bullets dipped in pork rind oil. The "offensive" ammo is "sure to send the infidels to hell," the inventor says.
Palestinian PM quits after 3 weeks
"If you cannot find Arafat's hidden fortune in three weeks, you might as well go on to something else", says resigned leader.
Witness: Hastings' speeding car 'shook my car like a freight truck going
Others say that Hercule Poirot looked wild in the back seat with rug over his lap.
Giant caves once used by military now billed as best place to survive the apocalypse
First step planned is to remove all ten billion cans of WWII C-Rations.
That Time of Year
Thousands of NRA members make their annual pilgrimage to Holey Site in Arizona.
REPORT: Kenyans Rage as Obama Skips Father's Homeland on Africa Trip
Several threaten to show family pics of President as a newborn.
PANDEMONIUM: 2 Million March in Brazil!
Many in crowd say they are afraid to stop less they be ran over by those behind them. Meanwhile, thousands are looking for a wide area to make their escape.
Russian Rights Advocate Says He Was Beaten!
"Apparently he didn't read the small print where it plainly states that: "You have the right to be beaten", say KGB
USA ACCUSED OF HACKING CHINA!
This is according to the latest news furnished by Chinese hackers of the United States.
Snoops True Facts #99
According to Snoops: The worst language ever used during "The Eisenhower Years" was 'Hecky Dern'!
U.S. extradition request did 'not fully comply with Hong Kong law'
"Although that particular law was only written down yesterday it was always "understood to be in effect" here in Hong Kong", states spokesperson.
SNOWDEN HEADS TO MOSCOW!
The President thinks that the name Snowdon correctly describes the relationship between himself and Putin.
WTF 'Navy ditches toast to wives and sweethearts?'
Cornflakes rations for spouses the new 'don't ask, don't tell'?
Sunday's Supermoon Won't Drive You Mad
"The average Joe won't feel a thing. But werewolves will sometimes bite off their own tails."
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Disappears
No one seems to know the location of Iran's ousted Prez but friend says his last threat to the West was that he will hack GPS systems & send everyone "on trip to hell". "Then he got into car & left."