Spoof news snippets from Saturday 22 June 2013
Syrian Regime, Rebels Step up Offensives
With each side joined by approximately 30 countries each, while seeking a peace agreement.
97-Year-Old Graduate Springs Into Action
The 97-year-old man from New York who just received his high school diploma last week, predicts that he won't survive his first Spring Break. "But what a way to go", he told the press.
Palin At It Again
Sarah Palin has been rehired by Fox News after she quit last year. When confronted with these facts, she quit.
Solar-Powered Cellphone Charging Stations Invade NYC
City warns company to place "Do Not Stick Tongue To Poles" during winter signs on each.
New Network Closes In Three Days
"The View At The Nudist Colony" with live camera going 24 hours a day closes after it sickens hundreds of teens.
Air traffic reveal control audio of NYC planes' near-miss!
"There are no 'near-misses', only 'near-collisions'", as stated by the late George Carlin. "If they had nearly missed, they would have collided!"
Food Network won't renew Paula Deen's contract
"Fatass whitey won't be working here anymore and good luck selling anymore cookbooks", says network owner.
The world's most affordable places to retire?
Apparently number one once again is Haiti. "All you need is a couple hundred bucks."
Who Would Name A Baby "North West"?
Apparent Kim Kardashian and Kanye West...Alfred Hitchcock.
Will dirigibles make a comeback?
Will turkeys learn to fly from helicopters? The humanity!
More About Tomorrow Morning's Supermoon!
Nerds reported head for Metropolis, Illinois to view the backside of their superhero.
Supermoon rising: Get up early!
Al Gore has been told this for the past two weeks but if he does freak out, please ignore knocks on your door with someone screaming "It's here! Here come the big tides!"
Kerry aims to shift balance in Syria!
All it will take is a nod of that big head. "That's how Ted Kennedy did it", tells reporters.
Why we love the gangster life
It's a trick. Don't answer this. Don't click on above or you're up the river for sure.
Hanford nuclear site may be leaking!
Sheer panic breaks out all over the United States as crowds head to the highways while asking each other, "Where in the ***** is HANFORD?".
$100 Million Research Project Ends
Funding finally cut on 40 year study after it's revealed that only 27% of inch worms in the U.S. have switched to the metric system.
White House doesn't have 'figure on costs' of Africa trip
But promise complete records will be turned over by 2016.
Meanwhile In The Mountains of Afghanistan
Taliban delay peace talks after after huge computer glitch.
Baseball Games Keep Getting Longer
Crowd gets restless as guest singer Leonard Cohen sings 12-minute Star Spangled Banner.
Man who jumped out window of 39th floor near Stock Exchange caught by window washer on 38th floor.
Think Tank & MENSA President Albert Van Hawking admits to taking steroids!
Paula Deen to add new item to menu
Embattled celebrity chef Paula Deen, known for her Southern cooking and racism, has announced the addition of a new item to her menu: soul food. She hopes the new dish will win over "the black folks."
Bethenny Frankel explains why she became a mom
Celebrity chef Bethenny Frankel told The Spoof that she had a baby so she could display her "boobs in public" while "feeding my brat." A nudist at heart, she is willing to do "whatever" to go topless.
Nik Wallenda promises "oohs" and "ahhs"
Nik Wallenda will attempt suicide by walking across the Grand Canyon without a net in an "insane feat" to air live on the Discovery Channel. "For what we're paying, we expect a slip," promoters said.
Brazil stuns the world with an angry undercurrent
"We were just hanging around the bar as usual and kept seeing all these marches on TV and so Jose there says, "Why can't WE do that?", says marcher, who was with the group carrying "Whatever" signs.
Govt to map your 'every move
Especially if you're a really built female.
Loophole Slipped Into 'Deal' Creates Permanent Amnesty for Illegals
Trades Texas, Arizona, New Mexico for Cancun, Baja and oil wells on bottom of Gulf to be named later.
Obama meets with private watchdog panel -- in private.
Secret Privates Recording: "Hey, that greyhound DOES have a whopper but check out this Saint Bernard."
Iceland-Bound Jet for Snowden 'Could Take Off Tomorrow'...
CIA is being extra careful that Snowden doesn't slip away and hide himself in the ice.
Snoops True Facts #4
To a person who is letter blind, the letter "B" looks just like the letter "V" or vice versa if I got that backwards.
Chris Christie angers everyone but Democrats
Gov. Chris Christie (R) may bankrupt his state by forcing it to pay $24 million for a special election to choose who replaces dead U. S. Sen. Lautenberg (D), when he could stack the deck for nothing.
Paula Deen apologizes for racist slur
Celebrity chef Paula Deen apologized to the Food Network for using a racist slur, saying "I wish I'd never heard of black people!" (except, instead of "black people," she used a racist slur).
Eddie Murphy makes racist comment about his main squeeze
Alleged comedian Eddie Murphy recently made a racist comment about his bikini-clad Caucasian girlfriend, Paige Butcher, describing the blonde bombshell as "white hot." Murphy has since apologized.