Spoof news snippets from Friday 21 June 2013
US Opens World's First Flight School for Pigs
"Many of our most pressing problems only can be solved 'when pigs fly,'" explains Pres. Obama. "We're also working on a refrigeration system to freeze over Hell."
Clues To Next Superman Movie
News of the next Superman movie has already slipped out. It seems that our boy encounters paisley Kryptonite for the first time and marries Jimmy Olson.
10 Leading Causes of Brain Damage
These 6 Things Can Activate Illegal Drugs In Your Brain. Discover it now or you'll have all three before you can say "Jimmy Crockett Crack Corn & I Don't Care"!
Just A Little White Lie Or Two/Everything AOK
During talks between Obama & Putin this week, Putin admitted that he'd lied & that Russia had twice the nuclear weapons as reported. Obama then admitted that the US had 1,000,000 nuclear-armed drones.
Snoops True Facts: #3
According to Snoops, David Cassidy, Ted Cassidy and Hopalong Cassidy were all brothers.
Spat between Angela Merkel and Vladimir Putin over German treasure!
Putin sneaks away after losing arm-wrestling contest.
UPDATE: Taliban offer to swap American hostage for Guantanamo inmates.
Also, Miley Cyrus, Paris Hilton or couple of younger Rockettes.
"Blow-Up Dolls" Being Recalled
Consumer agency says they could actually blow up during rough treatment. Advice comes after two castrations in Arkansas.
Men over 40 warned against triathlons.
Thank you. That should be a lot of help to..oh..20 of us. Now how many Big Macs before we explode?
Newly Developed Robot Flies Like Real Bird; Able to Perform Reconnaissance, Surveillance
Fly into airline engines, drop mechanical poop on your windshield.
As from today, June 21st, the price of Viagra could drop dramatically as the patent expires, don't get killed in the rush!
Russia is mad at the U.S. for the NSA eavesdropping.
"The sneaky rascals even secretly recorded our own setup", claims Russian Secret Service officer.
Archaeologists have found an ancient Maya city that remained hidden for centuries in the rain forests.
"We had to take down about a hundred old trees but it was worth it", says Spokesperson. "Bet we'll be treated like heroes when we get back to Seattle."
Cat nurses week-old abandoned puppy.
"She's illustrating that humans don't have to fight like cats and dogs", says PETA rep.
In Havana, Cuba, US try talking, but face many obstacles
Number One: They can't see each other's face because of all the great cigar smoke.
7 disturbing things Paula Deen has said
#1. "While you wait for the lard to melt, smoke 'em if you've got 'em!"
Matt Lauer rates Katie Couric
Matt ("The Rat") Lauer told Howard Stern that he would rate colleague Katie Couric's personality as "a 9 or a 10," but said, "her ass is definitely off the charts." He refused to rate Ann Curry.
WASHPOST: Syrian chemical weapons claim 'unverifiable'.
Apparently no one is willing to get close enough to see exactly what they are.
REPORT: US troops with riot training preparing for deployment to Egypt.
Also Libya, Lebanon, Qatar, Syria, Arizona, Texas.
Tom Cruise endorses Walmart for "improving women's lives"
In a recent appearance at a Walmart stockholders' meeting, Scientologist Tom Cruise praised the retail giant for improving women's lives: "Their sex discrimination suit could make them millionaires!"
Biden: Now Is Time For 'Unfeathered Path'...
Biden: You know good and well that I said "unfettered". Why does the Vice President always have to be the straight man on the team?
Bill Can't Pass As Currently Written
Amendment As Last Ditch Effort to Save Immigration Bill, Runs Up Against Brick Wall!
Shirley Jones: the long and the short of incest
She and stepson (and "Partridge Family" son), David Cassidy, may have had incestuous sex. Shirley Jones isn't saying. "I don't kiss and tell," she said. "But David's nickname? Long Dong."
Woman Survives Being Compacted In Garbage Truck Up To 10 Times!
"After all these years, Bubba still has a crush on me", says victim. Plans to write new "How To Stay Slim & Trim" book.
New Tax On Employers
Employers To Be Billed $25 Per Employee To Refill Unemployment Fund...First Family, Congress Vacations!
CLAIM: Top judges, generals, politicians wiretapped!
In fact, over 25 different groups from the FBI to the NRA have bugged you, me and each other.
Lawyers eye for evidence in murder, divorce cases!
In fact, NSA says they are out spreading gossip at this very moment, true or not.
Spy agency can snoop without warrant!
Plan to begin checking citizens at random. Whoops! There's a knock on your door. Better answer it.
......"Aye Carumba Cobber!"
"They got an awful lotta coppers in Brazil!"