Spoof news snippets from Thursday 20 June 2013
Personal Side of Superman Revealed
The new Superman movie reveals that Superman also has some of the same personal problems as other men. However, when it comes to emotions, Spiderman still remains the granddaddy of them all.
DOW's Worst Day of the Year
The Dow Jones industrial has erased more than 550 points in two days after Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke indicated the United States has been broke since 1978.
Nuther Rapper Gone
Los Angeles Rapper "Little Holes" dies from apparent gun fight over cheeseburger.
Drug price rise angers patients!
"We don't need to build anymore walls between U.S. and Mexico', say elderly. "They're gonna have just as many people going there for cheaper drugs as they are coming here."
No More Border Fences?
The U.S. & Mexico may remove all border fences. In exchange for freedom of Mexican families to visit relatives for up to 6 months, Mexican Drug Lords have offered to pay off the US $16 Trillion Debt.
NYC Bike Sharing
Traffic cops in NYC say that the "Share A Bike" is off to a good start. Also, several sports stores say it's helped their economy as they can hardly keep bike seat covers in stock.
Charles Saatchi never laid a finger on me, says ex-wife
No statement yet from another ex, Rihanna.
Several Injured in New Jersey This Afternoon
Several customers at "The Beast Trough" Restaurant in New Jersey were injured today by flying pieces of food as Chris Christie's stapled stomach became stretched past it's limit.
According To Snoops #2
Snoops True Facts: The first person atop Mt. Everest was Ham, son of Noah. "As the water receded, Ham asked Noah about stepping outside the Ark and so he did." (Thus the expression "Hamming it up!").
When mystics questioned about why so many of them like to live in or near Sedona, most admit that it's the air. "The thin air makes levitation so much easier', stated Guru Billy Joe Bratcher.
Mass hysteria outbreaks hit Bangladesh's garment workers
Urban legend of giant anaconda crawling out of pant's zipper finally reaches Bangladesh.
McDonald's franchise sued
A McDonald's franchise, owned and operated by Ronald McDonald (no relation to the clown, as far as The Spoof knows), was sued for requiring employees to use a high-fee ATM card to access their pay.
GPS Leads Woman Onto Railroad Tracks, Minivan Destroyed
After Margaret Moore and two kids made it out safely she told the police, "I hated for the girls to hear 'Dora' screaming like that when the train made contact."
Dems start Obama to Clinton transition!
And man, is he/she ugly. GOP could win with a warthog!
Human organs 'could be grown in animals within year'!
And before we get a million requests, we are not including donkeys as that would be growing animal parts in humans.
Searchers Fear The Worst
Searchers for the missing 88-year-old hiker Nana Woodcock, who disappeared in the Great Smoky Mountains last week, say they fear the worst after finding Ms. Nana's mood ring in some bear poop.
Nerds Hold Bachelor Party
Some 27 nerds showed up to give CPA Ronald "Mousey" Wimpee a bachelor party in Bowling Green, Ky. Tuesday night. "It was wild", Wimpee told local reporter. "There was a laptop dancer and everything."
India grapples with deadly 'Himalayan tsunami'!
Al Gore: "See. I warned you that the waves were going to get higher!"
Fashion icons Dolce, Gabbana convicted of tax crime!
Placed on suicide watch after being told they will be wearing same clothing as every other prisoner every single day.
According To Latest Hidden Cameras
Time is running out for Edward Snowden, the man who leaked details of secret U.S. surveillance programs. As FBI agents gather more evidence against him, Snowden is hiding out in Hong Kong.
NJ bans trash talking in high school sports!
"We don't need that kind of garbage around here", says coach, who is immediately fired over using the word 'garbage'.
Erin Brady crowned Miss USA; no one cares
Miss Connecticut, Erin Brady, was recently crowned Miss USA, but no one tuned in to watch the ceremony. Instead, viewers' eyes were glued to Canada's Naked News TV anchors' reports on world events.
Serena Williams: rape is parents' fault
Tennis superstar Serena Williams says a 16-year-old girl's rape by her school's football team is the girl's parents' fault: "They should have brought her up better. Instead, they raised a slut."
Castro scheduled for trial
Unable to capture Fidel, the U. S. has settled, instead, for persecuting Ariel Fidel, who kept women as a harem of sex slaves, sexually assaulting them between their performance of domestic chores.
Little Rock Evacuated
Bulletin: Little Rock, Arkansas has just been evacuated after city policeman finds suspicious looking white powder on his doughnut.
Michelle Obama on world tour
Michelle Obama, searching for her roots, visited Ireland and Germany. Next stop? Africa. "My family came from somewhere other than a plantation," she said, "and I am going to find out where."
FBI cannot find Jimmy Hoffa
A search for Teamster boss Jimmy Hoffa's remains in a field identified by a Mafia insider has failed to deliver. Disappointed, President Obama ordered, "Dig a little deeper!"
Putin steals, sells Super Bowl ring
Having stolen the New England Patriots owner's Super Bowl championship ring, Russian president, KGB kleptomaniac Vladimir Putin, plans to pawn it once it has been displayed in the Kremlin.
New York Post: Mobster Fondly Recalls Mother
"That Mom was something else. Actually, I think she was dad, hiding from the Feds."
Message found in bottle after 97 years underwater goes on display!
Message reads: "So you couldn't have left me just 3 more years in the water?"
Obama commits to 'tough push' on global warming!
Meanwhile, China and Russia commit to 'tight tush' on global warming.
Afghan Now Say They May Join Talks
KABUL, Afghanistan: An Afghan spokesman says President Hamid Karzai has had his mind changed overnight and will join in US/Taliban talks, "Although he mainly just screams "BRAINS!!".
Actor James Gandolfini, 51, dies of cardiac arrest!
Spokesman says "His heart failed suddenly during garroting joke. Some people just can't take a joke."
FBI Foils Plot To Build Strange X-Ray Weapon, Possibly Targeting President Obama
"It's an X-Ray Machine, you idiots", says 'Plotter'. "It probably HAS killed thousands but it's a common X-Ray machine. I wanna see a Lawyer/doctor."
Study: 70 Percent Of Americans On Prescription Drugs
Apparently other 30% making their own prime stuff at home.
Obamacare behind schedule as Oct. 1 rollout nears
"I don't remember saying which particular 'year' it will be completely ready", smiles President.
Courtney Stodden shows plastic surgeon's handiwork
Teen bride Courtney Stodden promised her mom she'd never go naked, and, in showing off her new Double-D boobs, she hasn't broken that vow: "Theyre not mine," she said. "They're my plastic surgeon's."
Brazilian bus fares cut
A recent rise in Brazilian bus fares sparked violent protests, followed by widespread boycotts. As a result, fares have been cut, and passengers need pay only two hens and a goat during rush hour.
George Zimmer fired
Stripped of his position by the ingrates on the board of directors of the company he founded, Men's Warehouse CEO George Zimmer plans to sell clothes out of his car's trunk. "Maybe thongs," he said.
James Gandolfini dies
As the result of a suspected mob hit, James Gandolfini, godfather of the notorious Soprano crime family, died while on "vacation" in Rome, Italy. He was 51.
Japan announces 416 new jobs
Japan has created 416 new jobs in Larne, County Antrim, (Northern Ireland, for you Yanks). "Someone has to make bedpans," Japanese PM Shinzo Abe said, "and Japanese just won't do that kind of work."
Egg thief threatens endangered birds
England is known for its eccentrics, but one bloke's fancy for the eggs of an endangered bird species threatens little terns with extinction. The queen begs the thief to give hen's eggs a try instead.
Dolce and Gabbana design new fashion line
Italian fashion designers Dolce and Gabbana, recently convicted of tax evasion and facing prison time, have launched a new line of apparel for "inmates who want to look stylish."
Obesity a disease
Bowing to pressure from First Lady Michelle Obama, the AMA voted to declare obesity a disease, calling for Michael Moore's execution, even as it vastly increased its potential patient population.
Afghan government to shun US talks with Taliban
Also Amish, Mennonites, Quakers, Extraterrestrials.
New Virus Found in Middle East Could Be Deadlier Than SARS!
Apparently it starts by dulling your brain and spreads rapidly and you're dead within 24 hours but I don't care. Hah Hah Hah!