Spoof news snippets from Wednesday 19 June 2013
President Has Fool-Proof Plan For Huge Debt
It was announced today that in August of this year the U.S. and Chinese Presidents will meet to discuss huge American debt. Mr. Obama will be taking guests Ben Bernanke and Bernie Madoff with him.
Several IRS Agents May Get Stiff Sentences
Over one hundred agents plead guilty of spying and ask to be shipped to Montego Bay for rest of their lives.
Wonder If He Thinks It's The Dog?
Dennis Rodman says that he will not return to N. Korea. "All the dude did was look at me like I was an alien." Rodman's replacement will be Snooki which brought the young North Korean leader to tears.
Salute To Ray Charles
NRA & GOP rally as dozens of FBI agents assigned to criminal probe into IRS scrutiny of conservative groups, FBI Director Mueller tells CIA. (As Ray Charles once sang, "Tell Me What Did I Say?")
News From DC
The proposed new immigration bill is more than a thousand pages long. Foes plan to write a 2,000 page alternative. If anyone ever tries to write one on a filibuster, it should be finished by 2099.
Former Iran President Gets Warning
Drone without explosive carries pop-out not that tells former Iran President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad "Yes, Mahmoud, there really is an Israel".
Vatican to announce John Paul II 'miracle'
Many think it concerns pope's once turning wine into water.
Afghan leader backs away from Taliban talks
"My head can't do much talking without a body under it", states Hamid Karzai.
Brain-Eating Amoeba Warning in Florida
After a long stay in Washington, DC, Brain-Eating Amoeba are beginning to show up in Florida.
'Happy Birthday to You' Copyright Suit Filed in NY
Tanyard, Kentucky man claims grandfather wrote the original version, entitled "Happy Birthday To You All".
Morris the Cat Runs for Mayor of Mexican City
Former mayor Speedy Gonzalas says Morris will run away with the Xalapa vote.
Minnesota Mother,Son Steal Gopher Feet!
A Minn. mother & her 18-yr-old son are accused of stealing nearly $5,000 in frozen gopher feet & selling them in St. Paul. Since changing from the dollar, gopher feet are now worth $2.56 in exchange.
Air France-KLM Orders 25 Wide-Body Airbus A350s
"No one on earth can build wide bodies like the Americans", says spokesman.
Arnie alias Conan "Terminates" at 65!
Yes, OAP, Arnie Schwarzenegger, puts himself to the sword and Terminates riding his Zimmerframe! Bruce Willis up next!
Jurors Reflect on Complexities of Zimmerman Case
"For one thing, he has change his name from George Zimmerman to Bob Dylan", claims prosecuting attorney.
First lady, girls lunch with Bozo
Sorry, that should have been Bono. It's very easy to mix up your clowns when there's only one letter difference between them.
Exploding sidewalks menace London pedestrians!
"These incidents are now second only to the cracks breaking mother's backs", officer tell BBC reporter.
Chrysler caves, recalls Jeeps!
Spokesman: We finally decided that we couldn't possibly hide all of them in caves.
President Obama Threatens NRA Once Again
Threat comes after record twenty-four nuclear weapons swap meets in Texas, Arizona over the past weekend.
Internet monitoring must have proper limits, Merkel tells Obama!
Also CIA, NSA, FBI, Chinese hackers, Geek Squad, pimpled teenager in basement in Jersey.
Gun Control Rally in CA Draws Just 3 Protesters
And they only stay around for about thirty seconds following their bullet dance.
CNN's Jake Tapper to appear on daytime soap!
Butt it's a brief appearance of him falling flat on his ass.
Gov't crackdown continues in Turkey!
Armed police say they will quit water blasts and tear gas bombs and begin going straight after their giblets if they don't settle down.
Afghanistan: Nato Security Handover Marked by Deadly Blast
Afghan military Leader apologizes. "We eat a lot of fiber here."
BAKED ALASKA: Anchorage sets heat record!
Lifeguards report that huge blubber slick is starting to become a water hazard.
Hey-O! Taliban is ready for peace talks!
The Taliban in Afghanistan say they are finally ready for peace talks. "However, the first joker with that 'Mr. Taliban tally me banana' song and we're ready for a hundred more years of fighting."
POLL: Americans Don't Trust Newspapers, TV News
POLL: Majority of Americans Don't Trust Newspapers, TV News, Radio Talk Shows, Neighborhood Gossipers, Polls!
NPR Shows New Facility
NPR Shows Off New Facility: Wellness center, café, beehives on roof, free range chickens everywhere you looked. "Better watch where you sit" Presenter laughs.
Russian President Putin told the press that he thought his staring contest with President Obama went well. Putin spoke to reporters while riding a shark.
REPORT: IRS to pay $70 MILLION in employee bonuses
"They work hard for your money", says White House Spokesman. "I would have liked for it to have been more but there's all the eavesdropping equipment we had to purchase."
.........best before the hereafter.
Major UK Supermarkets launch new food labels by way of 'traffic light system'...GREEN: cheap tasteless toxic waste. AMBER: almost off but not quite and RED; overpriced crap which is cheaper at Lidl!
....."and the little one said...."
Team GB really hotting up the training for the 2016 Olympic Pisshead Balcony Flinging event, hot on the heels of the Auckland NZ 'fling' comes the Bulgaria 'toss'...10th floor competitor!
Lady Gaga is in love!
With a figment of a complete and utter nutter's imagination!
Heads come together
The heads of state meeting, called G8, has convened and the traditional egg and spoon race was won this year by Vladmir Putin with David Cameron tieing in fifth place with Barack Obama. How exciting!
Crowds in Las Vegas astounded as clown folds ordinary dollar bill into poodle.
Waving Objects Still OK
NBA officials says that it is still OK for NBA fans to wave objects while opposing team shoots free throws. However, whoopee cushions are completely outlawed.
According To "Snoops"
According to the True-Facts "Snoops", the last year that a Mule was allowed in the Kentucky Derby was 1917.
Scots DID Invent Golf..However
New study reveals that it was indeed the Scots who invented golf. However, for the first 20 years, there were only 17 holes as no one would build a #13.
Disability Benefits Program for Federal Workers Reported Rife With Waste
"Every $20 bill has all this brown stinky stuff on it", says one recipient. "And those $100? I washed my hands 20 times."
Bachmann: Tea Party more energized than 'ever' before
This time we're mixing a little Red Bull, Viagra powder and old-fashioned Whuppass to the mixture.
Boehner Give Emotional Speech
"House Speaker John Boehner called NSA's Edward Snowden a traitor. "He (sob) oughta be horse-whipped. Oh boo hooo hooo!"
Obama Welcomes Talks With Taliban
"Now connect my teleprompter up to someone who speaks Talibanese. They're not the ones to do that little chimp talk are they?"