Spoof news snippets from Tuesday 18 June 2013
Green fluorescent fluid oozes out of Philly sewers
Mayor blames "burger joints who switched from pink slime to green. I think they should have left unwell enough alone."
Jury in 8-Month Erection Lawsuit Finds No Medical Negligence
Losing clients attorney says he can't believe the verdict. "This poor man has SUfFERED ENOUGH!!!! (Sorry, you backed into me, Mr. Williard.)
Navy to Inspect Bathrooms for 'Degrading' Images of Women
One surprise: Already Discovered Lots of "Enhancing" Images of Men!
Another Economy Buster
Last "Beans On Toast" Restaurant closes in London. "People would rather sit at home and eat their beans on toast and watch the telly", says saddened manager.
NOAH Refuses To Name Hurricane
The NOAH Weather Station has announced that this year could bring a hurricane that will be so bad, they will allow the victims to provide the filthy name for it.
Israel Reports Breakthrough
Israeli scientists have invented a robot plane carrying a single bullet that is the size of a gnat. "We put Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's DNA on it just for a joke but now we've lost it. Hoboy!"
Pirates Riot Over
Old pirates riot burns down 2 IHOPs, 3 Long John Silvers and a Captain D's before police gain control. "It was a difficult job", stated one fireman. Burning peg legs spread the fire rapidly."
Mysterious Substance Seen Floating on Lake Michigan!
'It's sort of blackish & thick & swirls with the lake movement. It definitely hates fish and sticks to waterfowl", says one observer. "Thus far, it has us all stumped."
Pilot Fakes License
A pilot for over 19 years with a top U.S. airlines arrested day before retirement. "Oh we've known about it for years but thought it would be a bitter pill to swallow if we waited till now", says CO.
Two-Buck Chuck Wins Again
Once again Two-Buck Chuck has beaten all the expensive wines of the world. "I think the real problem here is that these wine-tasters have become alcoholics", says spokesman from France.
Nation Mourns Death of Serial Killer
"There's nothing on television, rotten movies, sex has gotten boring, tired of seeing youth with rings through their digits!", admits several at Jim's Bar & Girl.
Fathers Day..that once a year milestone when millions of Dads look back over the years with fond memories and a tear in their eye as they remember what it was once like to have money in their wallets!
."that'll do nicely thank you!"
Official: Romanian gangs behind 90% of hole-in-wall scams.....surprise surprise...so that will be 200% from January 2014 then?:-)
C4 gives you more!
Must see TV for all politicians...C4 Monday 24th June 9pm...'The Man With the 10-Stone Testicles'...he gets my vote any day!:-)
Bear Hires Great Lawyer
Man who was recently attacked by bear could face serious charges, changes!
US, Taliban to start talks on ending Afghan war!
Most expect United States to make same deal as USSR, ten other nations before them.
Civil War Finally Over
In an effort to bring our nation together the descendants of Union & Confederate soldiers met in Washington today. The Union apologized for burning Atlanta, the Rebs apologized to Mrs. O'Leary's cow.
Obama: This Is Very Taxing
Tea Party Patriots: 'The largest Tea Party protest since 2010 is tomorrow' as one mousey little CPA keeps yelling "Treacle! More Treacle!"
Feds: Snooping foiled stock exchange plot!
Also, 3 couples in Presto, N.M. on 10th street aren't really married, Ms Dye of Brawny, Indiana wears falsies & Joe Don Moleturd of Rough River, Ky. now needs three 20MG. Levitra to do the trick.
Is President Being Taken Advantage Of?
Obama announces extra $300 million in 'life-saving' aid for Syrians, Hittites, Shuhites and Jebusites.
Miss Utah Gets New Question
Miss Utah gets a second chance to answer 'confusing' question: "Are Mormon men still beating their wives?"
"Won't Even Wear Full-Cover Veils
Barbra Streisand slams treatment of women in Israel. Nose now all the way down past chin.
Obama On Syria
Obama: "Very easy to slip-slide into deeper Syrian involvement. In fact, the nearer your destination the more you're slip-sliding away." Does a little dance.
Terror Plots To Be Revealed
National Security Agency Director Keith Alexander says he will bring classified documents regarding thwarted terror plots to Capitol Hill, including the one concerning a certain "Benedict Arnold".
'Man of Steel' soars at box office!
Iron Man goes into hiding. Last seen carrying load of Titanium and Platinum.
Physicists are hopeful the Standard Model will be overturned soon. "Don't get me wrong," said Professor Brian Cox, "we like the model. If it's wrong though, we can apply for more research grants."
FBI to resume hunt for Jimmy Hoffa's body today!
Feds get new clue after DNA evidence from shrunken toe on necklace of gangster body pulled from the East River.
Falling toilet seats increasing!
Rare but growing risk for boys! Girls should be OK but protest also, citing collateral damage.
NASA Selects Eight
NASA picks 8 new astronauts for asteroid mission. "We hope they find life out there", Commander tells recruits. Mental Health Association files lawsuit.
NSA Mole Hits White House
Obama: You can't fathom 'Complexities' of Syria Policy 'if you haven't been on vacation for a month... in Situation Room. Who wrote this?
Man Snaps on Flight!
Delivers screaming tirade over CIA, NSA, Stupid Yankee owners, Mother-In-Law, Neighbors dog pooh all over yard, Burnt toast!
REPORT: Suspicious Concrete Slab Unearthed In Search For Hoffa's Remains
"We looked under slab before but now we think he's actually inside the slab", says FBI spokesperson. Meanwhile Teamsters Union laughing their asses off.
Brazil Burning Over Buses
Big bus fare rise apparently seen as last straw. "They should have realized that buses made from straw would burn quickly", states unnamed source in crowd.
CNN, NBC, MSNBC, ABC & CBS have scheduled an official announcement today at 10AM to refute the rumor that their news reports favor "our glorious & majestic President & his cabinet".
Olympic "Blade Runner" and accused killer Oscar Pistorius denies that he is now, or ever has been, the notorious English murderer Spring-heeled Jack: "That's my modus operandi, but not my alias."
NASA selects four women as new astronauts
A NASA spokesman denied allegations that the agency's selection of four well-endowed women as future astronauts had anything to do with their having "heavenly bodies."
Correction to Lindsay Lohan headline
Erratum: The headline, "Troubled actress Lindsay Lohan checked out yet another rehab facility" should have read "checked out of yet another rehab facility." The Spoof regrets this error.
Lois Lerner explains herself
"I plead the Fifth Amendment to the Constitution not because I am guilty of anything, but because I don't want to be found guilty of anything."
Bindy Irwin quotes Mark Twain
Following an Internet hoax insisting she had died, Bindy Irwin says she now appreciates Mark Twain's statement (after his own alleged demise): "Reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated."
Kim Kardashian's Daughter Looks Just Like Her
According to Kim Kardashian's mother her baby daughter looks just like her. "Better run out and get the adult diapers for that rear end."
New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie May Run For President
New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie has announced that he may run for President in 2016. Many say his slogan "Let's All Be Fat!" could easily win the popular vote.
Whites Losing Influence?
More white Americans are dying than are being born according to a new study. "You better get off your buns and load your guns", advises Representative Paul of Kentucky.
Change In Iran
New leader in Iran says he had the highest respect for outgoing President Ahmadinejad and told him so before shipping him to Israel. "They can't hurt him, since they don't exist", he told the press.
President To Revise History
In plan for speech to legalizing immigrants President Obama plans to "admit" that only 500 men were with Santa Anna at the Alamo & they still captured it from Crockett, Travis, Bowie & 5000 defenders.
Red-meat intake linked to increased risk of diabetes!
Panel demands that sugar cane be immediately withdrawn from cattle feed and be replaced by more pink slime, ammonia and growth hormones.
Father Knows Best?
NSA whistleblower's father begs his 'sensitive, caring' son not to leak anymore government secrets and urges him to come home for some "rest & peace", promised by the president.