Spoof news snippets from Monday 17 June 2013
Democrat Boasts Record Rescues
According to recent study, Democrat Barney Frank gave more of his fellow congressmen the "Heimlich Maneuver" whether they needed it or not.
Name Of Gitmo Prisoners Revealed
According to records there are 192 Muhammeds, 81 Mohammeds, thirteen Ahmeds and one Bill at latest official count.
Rover Paul, Cousin of Rand Paul Offers Answers
Rover Paul of Kentucky claims he has the answer to all the government collection on each of us: "We swap names, security numbers and get a facelift. This will drive the Government crazy.
Putin Claims Innocense
Russian Leader Putin says that he did not steal Super Bowl ring. However, he says he now has President Obama's mojo.
Swiss Invent Cat Robot
Researchers in Switzerland have created a robot that moves like a housecat and can run faster than all other robots its size. Spokesman says they will release further info "Once we catch the bugger".
Trillion Dollar Farm Bill Proposed
$1 TRILLION U.S. farm bill includes support for sushi rice, dry land fish (mushrooms) and poke greens.
Conjoined Twins Having Problems
Conjoined twins Andy & Barney Smith of Arkansas are having problems adjusting after marrying conjoined twins Helen & Thelma Snotgrass after discovering that they didn't line up right on wedding night.
Obama, Putin cite shared goals on Syria
The 2 presidents declare their mutual interests in "reducing violence" in the war-torn country. Although Obama appeared uptight, Putin seemed relaxed, naked and kept rubbing the head of his pet bear.
Stuart Hall given 15 months for sexual offences
...but judge plays the Joker and doubles it up to 30.
Scientists urge people to drink
New research shows that if people don't get at least one drink every three days, they get 'dehydration'. "We're thinking people might need to eat too," said a scientist working on this.
NYC Police Finally Arrest Mangling Mime
Police arrest mime in NYC who carelessly left his invisible cube on a busy sidewalk. The 300-people pileup happened in 2011 but the mime had hid in another cube until his snoring gave him away.
Supreme Court invalidates Arizona voter registration law!
"That's strike two!" Justice Antonin Scalia shouted from the bench after catching a bench splinter in his right cheek. "One more and you're out of the Union!"
New: Now you can send a "hello!" text to aliens!
A spokesperson for Wally World today announced that customers can now send a "Hello" message on electronic billboards outside their stores to any of the WalMartians shopping inside.
Federal Authorizes Seize 7 Fourteen-Eleven Stores
Sorry. That should be 14 7-11 stores. Rumor is that free pot was given out to create huge sales in munchies.
N.J. express bus gets lost on regular route to NYC!
"I think I missed my exit in uh..uh..OK OK, I was looking at the near-naked woman on the big billboard!", admits driver.
US, Cuba to resume talks on direct mail
"This has been going on way too long", says Obama spokesman. "There have been dozens of innocent people with sore arms & in hospitals after getting hit with rocks carrying messages in Cuba, Florida."
UK Hacking Condemned
Recent reports of UK hacking of diplomats has angered several visiting nations. However, British authorities say that it's the work of a lone Ripper.
Riot Police Target Pockets of Istanbul Protesters
"Placing a lit cherry bomb in their back pockets soon sends them racing through the streets at top speed", says civil authority.
US Whistleblower Breaks Silence, Wind In Online Shat!
Edward Snowden, the US most-wanted whistle-blower, says, "The truth about our government spying program he revealed will eventually come out. (Pardon me)."
FBI Seeks Location Of Jimmy Hoffa Body
"We thought we'd give the family plot a try", reported Agent 92452B (Although this could be an alias). "The headstone with his name on it was always considered a red herring."
......down under or one over?
In an attempt to 'up the game' another piss head Pom goes for the balcony hurling pre-2016 Olympic record. This time from the 15th floor of an Auckland NZ apartment block!!!....cheeky bugger.
Google's new honest Chrome advert
You Tube videos will now start with a man in a suit and dark glasses and be captioned: "Chrome can't stop the NSA spying on you, but Chrome is the fastest was to let the NSA know what you are doing."