Spoof news snippets from June 2013
There were 630 spoof news snippets published in June 2013. A selection of the best rated snippets is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
Charles Saatchi never laid a finger on me, says ex-wife
No statement yet from another ex, Rihanna.
Scientists urge people to drink
New research shows that if people don't get at least one drink every three days, they get 'dehydration'. "We're thinking people might need to eat too," said a scientist working on this.
Mick Jagger Can Still Rock 'n Roll Like The Youngsters
Rolling Stones lead singer Mick Jagger who is 68, proudly boasted that he has groupies between the ages of 21 and 71.
Matt Smith is to cease being the Doctor
When Matt Smith retires from the BBC's Doctor Who, his replacement will be Sanjeev Bhaskar, from the Kumars at 42. "Well," said Sanjeev, "It's to reflect proportion of Asian doctors."
Physicists are hopeful the Standard Model will be overturned soon. "Don't get me wrong," said Professor Brian Cox, "we like the model. If it's wrong though, we can apply for more research grants."
The Reason Illegal Aliens Are Staying Away
The U.S. Border Patrol stated the influx of illegal aliens is down by 17 percent. They say it's because illegal aliens do not want to come to a country that listens in on your phone conversations.
Cross Dressing throughout history - part 2
Historians have found that short-arsed French King, Louis VI had the stiletto invented so people couldn't see he was short. They became popular in the royal court and were known as 'Court Shoes'.
NHS Gagging Orders
It has been discovered that the NHS has issued gagging orders to staff. "Well, it's cheaper than anaesthetic," said the Chief Exec. "And it's just as effective at stopping patients screaming."
Beady Eye announce their next few albums
Liam Gallagher has said his new band, Beady Eye, will name their first album Be. "The next will be called Ad," said Gallagher, "then we'll have two more both called Ye. Then I'll quit in a strop."
New Yoghurt Corner
Muller have launched a new range of Greek Style yoghurt corners. These include Mousaka, Doner Kebab, Halloumi and humus. "They're delicious," winced Mark E Ting, head of marketing.
The One Thing That Scares Illegal Aliens
You know that the IRS Scandal is really starting to get serious when they begin to audit illegal aliens.
Rhythmic gymnast Alina Kabaeva breaks her silence about Putin romance
Says she's bent over backwards keeping it out of the papers
NASA Wants The Moonsuit Back
NASA has said that the person who stole Neil Armstrong's moon spacesuit can return it no questions asked...well maybe just one or seven.
Governor Chris Christie's Amazing Weight Goal
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie says that regarding his diet, he wants to get to the point where people start saying that he looks anorexic.
All-Star Game Bulletin
Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig has killed the opening musical number for this year's All-Star game. It was called "When You Wish Upon a Steroid," and featured Goofy and Tinkerbell.
Tiger Woods Says The Name Will Grow On You
Tiger Woods says that he will soon become the spokesman for a new line of condoms with the unlikely name of A Hole In One.
The Truth About The Santa Maria
Scientists have just discovered that Christopher Columbus' ship The Santa Maria was actually built from lumber that had been stolen from Denmark.
French Lick, Indiana Gives Some Lip Service
The city of French Lick, Indiana has just issued a directive that prohibits any students in grades 1 through 12 from French kissing during school hours.
Arizona's Sheriff Joe Arpaio Heading Down Mexico Way
The self-proclaimed toughest sheriff in America, Joe "Pinky" Arpaio says he may move to Mexico in order to eliminate the middle man.
The Dancing Super Mama
Nadya Suleman, AKA OctoMom has stated that she wants to appear on the next edition of Dancing With The Stars. The producers told her that her boobs are too big.
The Big Change At Homeland Security
The government in a move to be more politically correct is considering changing the name of Homeland Security to Homeland Semi-Security.
Will Smith and son Jaden are so upset at the dismal box office numbers for After Earth that they're seriously considering dropping Rome from their summer Paris, Rome, Athens, Dubai vacation trip.
Mitt Romney Flip Flops and Said He's Glad He Lost
Mitt Romney has stated that upon reflection he is glad he lost the 2012 presidential election. He pointed out that he does not think that he could have taken all of the Mormon jokes.
Liberace Had A Secondary Instrument
It is being reported that famed pianist Liberace, who was ten times gayer than Clay Aiken, was also very good on the mouth organ (harmonica).
The Twittering Omarosa
The woman that Donald Trump made famous, Omarosa, has announced that her Twitter followers number has just gone up to 3.
France's 'Joan Of Arc' vows to bring back Frank
Marine Le Pen promises voters to smash the existing Soviet European Union and break up that ghastly Yuri currency. Er, who is Frank?
Uncle Sam Needs The Money Bad - Thank You
The 84-year-old Florida woman who won $590 million in the Powerball Lottery was devastated when told that she will have to pay IRS taxes that amount to $589.7 million.
The Pizza Was Damn Good But...
Domino's Pizza has announced they are discontinuing their Drone Pizza Delivery Program. They stated that customers were really upset with the $89 delivery charge.
Dick Cheney Is Told To Shut Up!
Vice-President Joe Biden has told Dick Cheney to can the anti-Obama remarks or else he may find himself picking bananas down in Costa Rica.
I got a shock today when I found an undercover policeman in my bed!
Now for the local news: Both our cats had a breakfast of Sheeba Seafood and have gone back to bed. Looks like that rain may hold off another day. Wasn't that a toad-choker yesterday, though?
Kim and Kanye baffled by Brit broadsheet headline
'North West's shale gas could fuel UK for 43 years' says The Times.
The Queen's 5%
The Queen will be getting 5% of the money earmarked for Welfare as she has to pay Price Philip's Hospital Bills.
Not So Fast Mr. Kim Jong Un
A 97-year-old woman who lives in Seoul, South Korea has just filed a lawsuit against Kim Jong Un and North Korea for claiming that they are a world super power.
The Amazing Powerball Surgery
The 84-year-old $590 million Powerball winner from Florida says she is going to take $1 million and have surgery to make her look exactly like Scarlett Johansson.
Sam Cam must really get her dentist to fix things properly
A count of her televised gnashers reached nearly 100 today!
VP Joe Biden Lists Top Fears
1. Massive Terrorist Attack 2. Meteor Might Hit Earth 3. Clowns.
Airlines rank lower in customer satisfaction -- than the post office.
However, both still 95% higher than President and congress.
Relief As Missing Pensioners Found Safe And Well
'We were really worried when they wandered-off from their homes on Saturday night,' said a concerned relative. 'Fortunately the police found them safe and well, playing the main stage at Glastonbury.'
Resident rock dweller and unemployed Home Secretary Jack Straw 'appalled' by Lawrence family spying, why not keep you curtains drawn and your flies done up Jacko...simples cobber.
Exploding sidewalks menace London pedestrians!
"These incidents are now second only to the cracks breaking mother's backs", officer tell BBC reporter.
New York Post: Mobster Fondly Recalls Mother
"That Mom was something else. Actually, I think she was dad, hiding from the Feds."
Little Rock Evacuated
Bulletin: Little Rock, Arkansas has just been evacuated after city policeman finds suspicious looking white powder on his doughnut.
NJ bans trash talking in high school sports!
"We don't need that kind of garbage around here", says coach, who is immediately fired over using the word 'garbage'.
Fashion icons Dolce, Gabbana convicted of tax crime!
Placed on suicide watch after being told they will be wearing same clothing as every other prisoner every single day.
DOW's Worst Day of the Year
The Dow Jones industrial has erased more than 550 points in two days after Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke indicated the United States has been broke since 1978.
Biden: Now Is Time For 'Unfeathered Path'...
Biden: You know good and well that I said "unfettered". Why does the Vice President always have to be the straight man on the team?
US Opens World's First Flight School for Pigs
"Many of our most pressing problems only can be solved 'when pigs fly,'" explains Pres. Obama. "We're also working on a refrigeration system to freeze over Hell."
To be or not to B a fundamentalist?
This question has an obvious answer when you look at the places where it raises its ugly, evil head. Ask Turks how delighted they are, because fundamentalism has raised its head of Medusa there too!
Now That's A Real Reality Show
Convicted killers Joran van der Sloot and Jodi Arias are being considered for a new reality show to be called The Real Biggest Losers.
Unicorns finally take to the air
Unicorns have now followed their illustrious cousin, Pegasus, into the air. Their preferred airline is Virgin. "It must be our seats," said Richard Branson.
High street shops are bracing themselves as Unicorns get ready to spend spend spend now that they have all signed up to Virgin credit cards. "Our best rates are for mythical creatures," said Branson.
Unicorn set to be the first mythical creature in space
A unicorn has put it's name down to go into space. "Naturally, it chose Virgin Galactic," said Richard Branson. "We're the only company with horn proof suits."
Unicorn obesity problem
The unicorn obesity problem has been averted thanks to them signing up in droves to Virgin Active. "Even horny creatures need to get fit," said Richard Branson.
Unicorns keep in touch
Finally, Unicorns have got with the modern age, with a now 100% coverage of the unicorn population on Virgin Mobil. "We've had a lot of horn pierced phones returned," said Branson.
The Super Bowl Ring And Putin
Suppose Vladimir Putin returns the stolen Super Bowl ring, what are the odds it'll be radioactive?
SNOWDEN'S HK EXIT SHOWS CHINESE ANGER OVER SPYING
Beijing: How dare they steal our methods! Now we feel free to have our own rocker stars and Rocky Top movies.
U.S. warns other countries against harboring Snowden
"Or you will what? Send the Naval SEALS? Tear down statue of our leader? Beat us with wet noodle?"
Google's new honest Chrome advert
You Tube videos will now start with a man in a suit and dark glasses and be captioned: "Chrome can't stop the NSA spying on you, but Chrome is the fastest was to let the NSA know what you are doing."
Fallout hits China, Russia...
"Stupid Iran has tripped over nuclear weapon or something. Knew we were wrong helping out those bunglers", states Putin. "Oh, you mean the fallout over Snowden? Never mind."
Harry Reid Calls House GOP "Crazy"
"Since Dems lost their minds a few years back, where are we?"
Buchanan: Hispanic influx could break USA into 'two countries'.
Buchanan: Afluencia de hispanos podría romper USA en 'dos países'.
Boxoffice Surprise: 'White House Down' crashes, burns
"No one told us this was a documentary", say many leaving the theaters.
Two-Buck Chuck Wins Again
Once again Two-Buck Chuck has beaten all the expensive wines of the world. "I think the real problem here is that these wine-tasters have become alcoholics", says spokesman from France.
NOAH Refuses To Name Hurricane
The NOAH Weather Station has announced that this year could bring a hurricane that will be so bad, they will allow the victims to provide the filthy name for it.
Pork-Laced Ammo Designed to Send Muslims to Hell
Also working on hog manure cluster bombs.
Another business drops Paula Deen
FAMOUS AMOS Cookies say they have also dropped Deen from their ads.
Crowds in Las Vegas astounded as clown folds ordinary dollar bill into poodle.
Powerful NASA spy-in-the-sky locates Edward Snowden
Whistleblower seen delivering takeaway 'kebabs' to Julian Assange in Ecuador London embassy
Lady Gaga is in love!
With a figment of a complete and utter nutter's imagination!
Scotty Pippen investigated for assault on a former fan
Former Chicago Bulls player, NBA superstar Scotty Pippen, is being investigated for assaulting a fan. "He want my autograph, but he don't want to pay," Pippen said, "so I give him a fist in the face."
REPORT: IRS to pay $70 MILLION in employee bonuses
"They work hard for your money", says White House Spokesman. "I would have liked for it to have been more but there's all the eavesdropping equipment we had to purchase."
.....3 Hail Mary's and a large Fries.
'Pray for Mandela', says Zuma....why, what's he done wrong this time?
Russian President Putin told the press that he thought his staring contest with President Obama went well. Putin spoke to reporters while riding a shark.
Jackie Chan not yet dead
Quashing rumors of his death, martial arts expert and actor Jackie Chan said, "I'm not dead, nor has Chuck Norris killed me. Like Mark Twain, "news of my death is greatly exaggerated."
NPR Shows New Facility
NPR Shows Off New Facility: Wellness center, café, beehives on roof, free range chickens everywhere you looked. "Better watch where you sit" Presenter laughs.
Paula Deen's sons defend her against charges of racism
"Mom is no more a racist than we are," Bobby Deen said. "She wouldn't say anything we wouldn't say," brother Jamie agreed. Deen's sons are the celebrity chef's partners in a restaurant named Sambo's
POLL: Americans Don't Trust Newspapers, TV News
POLL: Majority of Americans Don't Trust Newspapers, TV News, Radio Talk Shows, Neighborhood Gossipers, Polls!
Hey-O! Taliban is ready for peace talks!
The Taliban in Afghanistan say they are finally ready for peace talks. "However, the first joker with that 'Mr. Taliban tally me banana' song and we're ready for a hundred more years of fighting."
IRS agents' taxpayer-provided credit cards prove Americans love porn
According to the IRS, more American taxpayers' money is spent on porn than is spent on booze, broads, or betting. "We know," one agent said, "because we buy this stuff on their behalf."
BAKED ALASKA: Anchorage sets heat record!
Lifeguards report that huge blubber slick is starting to become a water hazard.
Afghanistan: Nato Security Handover Marked by Deadly Blast
Afghan military Leader apologizes. "We eat a lot of fiber here."
Gov't crackdown continues in Turkey!
Armed police say they will quit water blasts and tear gas bombs and begin going straight after their giblets if they don't settle down.
CNN's Jake Tapper to appear on daytime soap!
Butt it's a brief appearance of him falling flat on his ass.
Gun Control Rally in CA Draws Just 3 Protesters
And they only stay around for about thirty seconds following their bullet dance.
Internet monitoring must have proper limits, Merkel tells Obama!
Also CIA, NSA, FBI, Chinese hackers, Geek Squad, pimpled teenager in basement in Jersey.
President Obama Threatens NRA Once Again
Threat comes after record twenty-four nuclear weapons swap meets in Texas, Arizona over the past weekend.
Chrysler caves, recalls Jeeps!
Spokesman: We finally decided that we couldn't possibly hide all of them in caves.
First lady, girls lunch with Bozo
Sorry, that should have been Bono. It's very easy to mix up your clowns when there's only one letter difference between them.
Jurors Reflect on Complexities of Zimmerman Case
"For one thing, he has change his name from George Zimmerman to Bob Dylan", claims prosecuting attorney.
Arnie alias Conan "Terminates" at 65!
Yes, OAP, Arnie Schwarzenegger, puts himself to the sword and Terminates riding his Zimmerframe! Bruce Willis up next!
Air France-KLM Orders 25 Wide-Body Airbus A350s
"No one on earth can build wide bodies like the Americans", says spokesman.
Minnesota Mother,Son Steal Gopher Feet!
A Minn. mother & her 18-yr-old son are accused of stealing nearly $5,000 in frozen gopher feet & selling them in St. Paul. Since changing from the dollar, gopher feet are now worth $2.56 in exchange.
Morris the Cat Runs for Mayor of Mexican City
Former mayor Speedy Gonzalas says Morris will run away with the Xalapa vote.
Fire Dept. Head Shaking His Head As Fire Continues
Three-Story house owned by hoarder still burning after six days.
'Happy Birthday to You' Copyright Suit Filed in NY
Tanyard, Kentucky man claims grandfather wrote the original version, entitled "Happy Birthday To You All".
President announces "We will double solar, power by 2020.
From an estimated two percent to four percent.
Brain-Eating Amoeba Warning in Florida
After a long stay in Washington, DC, Brain-Eating Amoeba are beginning to show up in Florida.
More Electric Cars Sold!
"Over 295 in the past year", says Democrat Congressman. "The more we build, the cheaper we can make them for the average citizen..maybe even under $100,000 for the small ones."
Afghan leader backs away from Taliban talks
"My head can't do much talking without a body under it", states Hamid Karzai.