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Another Kid's Toy Recall

"My Little Vlad the Impaler Dolls" OK but shoving spiked poles up dozen small victims rear ends can be hazardous. "Somebody could lose an eye," says Consumer Product Safety Commission.

written by Bureau, 31 July 2013
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Rumor: Actress Amanda Bynes was reportedly arrested for DUI once again!

Of course that's only a '1' on the Lindsay Lohan/Charlie Sheen scale.

written by Bureau, 31 July 2013
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California to let illegal immigrants serve on juries

"Worse job than picking lettuce, tomatoes, cucumbers" say some illegals. Three already succumbed to death by "Lawyer's Tongue".

written by Bureau, 31 July 2013
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Anthony Weiner's Aide's Foul Mouth Attack on Ex-Intern

Probably needs to brush teeth, gargle, spit it out.

written by Bureau, 31 July 2013
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Sky Sports' Breaking News! :

11:40 pm : Gareth Bale refused sex from wife, rolls over, resigned to sleep

2am : Gareth Bale awakes needing a piss

Keep it here folks!

written by Talking Tic-Tacs, 31 July 2013
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Sky Sports' Breaking News! :

30 July. 9am :"Gareth Bale arrives at training ground"

11:30am: Gareth Bale leaves training ground

9pm: Gareth Bale brushing his teeth

written by Talking Tic-Tacs, 31 July 2013
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Scientists grow teeth out of urine

Report: They work well chewing but leave a bad taste in your mouth.

written by Bureau, 31 July 2013
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New Snowden leak upstages U.S. move to declassify documents

U.S. spokesman: Of course, we always send out a true and not true counterfeit on every statement. Where do you think that Mayan farce came from?

written by Bureau, 31 July 2013
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Men 5 times more likely to be killed by lightning in U.S. than women

Best Guess: It's not nice to fool with "Mother Nature"!

written by Bureau, 31 July 2013
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Gay Athletes Could Be Prosecuted at '14 Winter Olympics

This is according to the latest Fudge Report!

written by Bureau, 31 July 2013
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Atheist Gathering In Total Confussion

After loud sneeze...lots of mumbling, staring at each other.

written by Bureau, 31 July 2013
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Cat Stevens Changes Name Once Again

Yusuf Islam, better known as singer "Cat Stevens" and born Steven Demetre Georgiou has now change his name once again to Homer Dockery.

written by Bureau, 31 July 2013
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Conservationists excited by tiger population rise in Nepal

Local man, showing five long scars say they are not so thrilled!

written by Bureau, 31 July 2013
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Man abandoned in US jail for five days wins $4.1 mn

Now others trying to hide when anyone tries to bring them food, fresh water, search cells.

written by Bureau, 31 July 2013
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Mexico's President Thyroid Problem Gone After Surgery

United States now back to being number one in having the fattest people in the world. (It's our bad thyroids).

written by Bureau, 31 July 2013
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Panama postpones UN weaponry review of seized ship

Proudly announces that Panama is now second in power only to Cuba in Central America! Plans to raise fee for going through canal.

written by Bureau, 31 July 2013
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New "Different" Santa Movie This December

Apparently, it's to be called, "Night of the Living Sled".

written by Bureau, 31 July 2013
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Secretary of State Kerry in Pakistan on unannounced visit

Asked why he is in Pakistan he tells reporters, "Don't ask me, go ask that idiot pilot."

written by Bureau, 31 July 2013
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Weiner insists he will survive sexting scandal

"I have at least a dozen 16-year-old ladies who will back me up on everything I've been saying!"

written by Bureau, 31 July 2013
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'Most beautiful' person on Capitol Hill: Sen. Jeff Flake, a 50-year-old Az Republican.

Narrowly finishing ahead of Rep. Henry Waxman (D-CA)!

written by Bureau, 31 July 2013
Rating:

Hawaii to Spend $100,000 for Airfare to Send Homeless People Back Home

Seems like there's going to be a lot of planes circulating with stewardess asking: Does anything in THIS state look familiar?"

written by Bureau, 31 July 2013
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Judge to O.J. "Four More Years!"

"But I'm not running for President, Your Honor! In fact, I've gotten so fat I couldn't run for anything."

written by Bureau, 31 July 2013
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Mall Santas Ruling By Supreme Court

"No more than three 'Hos' at a time or it will be viewed as sexual harassment!"

written by Bureau, 31 July 2013
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Audio Tape of Lewinsky to Prez Clinton Emerges

"Isn't it awful?", asks Anthony Weiner. "A President of the United States acting like that?"

written by Bureau, 31 July 2013
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Ruling coalition endorses new state in south India

New Southern India ruler would most likely be Robert E. Lee Maheepati!

written by Bureau, 31 July 2013
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Rowling accepts donation for identity revelation

Money comes from outfit that revealed her secret name of Sue D. Nim that wrote adult novels as well as Harry Potter books.

written by Bureau, 31 July 2013
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As Zimbabwe heads to polls, worries about votes from the cemetery

"Many dead people have elected officials from the after-life", says one of several aides copying names from tombstones.

written by Bureau, 31 July 2013
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Why fewer ground reports are emerging from Syria

"That's because many of us are under-the-ground and unable to report", says reporter in a whisper.

written by Bureau, 31 July 2013
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Artificial human ear grown in lab #3

Surgeon: Next we grow the other ear and so forth, until we can produce the whole head." (Should have quit while he was a head...you hear that joke, Hilary?) (Yes, Joe. Shhhhh!).

written by Bureau, 31 July 2013
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Artificial human ear grown in lab #2

"My grandfather had an ear taken off by a Lab once", says Joe Biden. "That old dog was mean as a snake." (A little quiet in the audience, please!)

written by Bureau, 31 July 2013
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Artificial human ear grown in lab.

Surgeon during demonstration: "Can you hear me now?"

written by Bureau, 31 July 2013
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Fournier: What If Obama Can't Lead?

I thought we found that out during the first term. However, he CAN talk!

written by Bureau, 31 July 2013
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More Mosquitoes in U.S. Found With West Nile Virus

Joe Biden: All that rioting must have gotten them all stirred up!"

written by Bureau, 31 July 2013
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Christie: Paul should 'start cutting pork

Rand Paul: Porky should talk! He sits on the two biggest pork barrels in Washington. Weight loss must have started with his head.

written by Bureau, 31 July 2013
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Weiner Comes forward With New Ad!

New Ad: 'Quit isn't the way the Weiner rolls in New York City!' "Just wanted to point that out!"

written by Bureau, 31 July 2013
Rating:

Weiner Spokeswoman Apologizes for 'Slutbag' Tirade Against Ex-Intern

Also apologizes later for causing headlines to include Weiner and 'bag' in same headlines. "I was upset after being sacked."

written by Bureau, 31 July 2013
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'Recovery from Great Recession faster than reported'.

Also, with dollar bills being changed from paper to coins, we won't be nickel and dimeing our way out of the international poorhouse.

written by Bureau, 31 July 2013
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Commerce Dept revises economy numbers -- back to 1929

"But look at it this way, during the following years enough people died that there was more than enough for those that survived."

written by Bureau, 31 July 2013
Rating:

Kuwait's ruler pardons people convicted of insulting him

"Also, those women who showed their toes in public. Oh, you might as well free the public flatulence ones also."

written by Bureau, 31 July 2013
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Israeli-Palestinian aim: A peace deal in 9 months

"Let's give John Kerry's big head time to give birth!"

written by Bureau, 31 July 2013
Rating:

Obama's 'grand bargain' twist: Let's focus on jobs, not the deficit

"I like to see the glass half full so I think...actually I think the whole country is screwed!" (Biden: "There! There!").

written by Bureau, 31 July 2013
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Obama asks Republican Senators McCain, Graham to visit Egypt

"Yes, and please take Anthony Weiner and Paula Deen with you!"

written by Bureau, 31 July 2013
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Ex-Prime Minister Keita holds wide lead in Mali vote

And in Kathmandu, Nepal, a chicken crowed exactly like a rooster!

written by Bureau, 31 July 2013
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Pope Francis today said he will not judge priests who are gay.#2

"But that Paula Deen woman, I could never forgive that."

written by Bureau, 31 July 2013
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Pope Francis today said he will not judge priests who are gay.

"We need more happy priests", he told the press in Brazil. "A long puss never helps any situation."

written by Bureau, 31 July 2013
Rating:

Jersey Crime Wave

In Jersey a guy tried to rob a gun store with a baseball bat. When they recognized that he was a NY Yankee, everyone laughed him out of the store. Yankees can't hit anything with a bat these days.

written by Bureau, 31 July 2013
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