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Rating:

Snoops: Little Known Fact #1098

According to Snoops: For hundreds of years men on the high seas who had a hook for a hand grew desperate on long voyages and often castrated themselves when a sudden wave hit.

written by Bureau, 23 July 2013
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Vatican: Pope Francis Is Safe

Pope spirited out of crowd by helicopter not beaten with ugly sticks as feared. "He just looks that way", says anonymous Swiss Guard.

written by Bureau, 23 July 2013
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President Obama's Latest On High Gas Prices

"We will borrow five trillion dollars from the Chinese and get the price of electric cars down to $5,000 each. Someone ask Madoff how we can do that."

written by Bureau, 23 July 2013
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White House: Assad one of era's 'worst tyrants'

Last Week: Assad, although a tyrant at times, is much more stable than those attacking him. Week Before: Assad worst leader since Hitler!

written by Bureau, 23 July 2013
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Older Gay Scouts Warned

"I know that some of you scout leaders here are gay", stated scout leader. "There has been a new ruling that scouts can be gay. However, there is to be no tying-of-the-knot marriages here at MY camp!"

written by Bureau, 23 July 2013
Rating:

L L Bean Sales Slow

A spokesperson for L L Bean told the press today that sales have been down lately but "we discovered we hadn't been selling any camouflaged clothing because no one could see them."

written by Bureau, 23 July 2013
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Old Lady Taken In By Detroit Police

"All we can tell you is that she was at the Crusty Years Nursing Home and was resisting a rest", says police officer.

written by Bureau, 23 July 2013
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Who Will Be New Royal Baby's Nanny?

Thus far the top choice seems to be Sir Elton John!

written by Bureau, 23 July 2013
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Limbaugh Accuses Obama

Rush Limbaugh today accused President Obama of dying some of his hair white. "He wants us to think he's working hard! He's working hard alright, on his putting and pitching wedge!"

written by Bureau, 23 July 2013
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Let's Sit Tight On Syria, Egypt, Ten Other Civil Wars

The President still cannot make up his mind if we are for or against Syrian rebels. Biden: "Let's just sit tight and see who's winning. Obama: That could take 100 years. How long can you sit tight?"

written by Bureau, 23 July 2013
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2 men face rat, reptile breeding cruelty charges

"Any idiot knows you can't breed a snake and a rat", says arresting officer. "Only one is going to survive."

written by Bureau, 23 July 2013
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Baby Boy Celebrations Continue

Briton still celebrating birth of royal baby! Many calling in too sick to work finds no one there to answer phone.

written by Bureau, 23 July 2013
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Prison Break in Iraq

Al Qaeda claims Iraq prison raids, says 500 inmates freed from one cell. Iraqi guard blames overcrowding.

written by Bureau, 23 July 2013
Rating:

Anthony Weiner Faces New Sex Chat Allegations

"Once a Weiner, always a Weiner", to be opponent's slogan!

written by Bureau, 23 July 2013
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Pope makes hurried leave from crowd in helicopter!

"We had to get him out of there" states pilot. "I'm sure families of those beheaded will be given money, granted indulgences!"

written by Bureau, 23 July 2013
Rating:

Pope forced to leave crowd by helicopter!

"It be a miracle", says native Brazilian. "Pope flew away on big bird!"

written by Bureau, 23 July 2013
Rating:

Brazil Nutz

The Pope in Brazil....thousand mob the Pontiff's car.....strewth, I never knew the old fart owed so much money!

written by Herrdoktorfox, 23 July 2013
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Look out Brad!

BREAKING NEWS:
Angelina Jolie puts in first bid for Royal baby

written by Herrdoktorfox, 23 July 2013
Rating:

DAB and internet radio station hit by Daily Mail moral panic

Spokesman defends the station "It's JAZZFM.com you arses, not Jizzfm."

written by Paxton Quigley, 23 July 2013
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Prince is a quick learner

It has just been announced that the Royal baby, born only hours ago, is now walking and even speaking some words. He will hold a press conference tomorrow to tell every body about the birth. Blimey!!

written by whatinthe world, 23 July 2013
Rating:

Royal baby up for grabs

The Royal baby has no sooner been born and half the corporate world are signing him up for endorsements. Cadbury chocolate want him to appear as a "sweetie munching tot" in their next commercials.

written by whatinthe world, 23 July 2013
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Was Prince a fraud?

Following the birth of the Prince of Cambridge, 162 people have emailed the hospital claiming that the Duchess was a surrogate for their babies. Police are now following up these lines of enquiry.

written by whatinthe world, 23 July 2013
Rating:

IRA Says It Will Never Be The Same

Who's going to believe any of our audits any more? If anyone takes us to court, they have all this news that's been released lately.

written by Bureau, 23 July 2013
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Crickets are energy bar's key ingredient!

Inventor says they really give you a kick. May not be laughing after lawsuit by PETA. That should be PETC, the Cricket division.

written by Bureau, 23 July 2013
Rating:

Tuna capsizes boat, drags man into sea

"Oh, it was Charley alright", man tells coast guard. "He's still upset after all those commercials showing that he wasn't selected."

written by Bureau, 23 July 2013
Rating:

Romney becomes grandpa to 22

"I had help", he joked, while pointing out his twelve wives.

written by Bureau, 23 July 2013
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Arming Syrian rebels gets green light

Obama approves arming Syrian rebels but may send troops to help Assad! "This way we gotta be on the winning side", he reasons. Four former presidents all hit foreheads. "Why didn't we think of that?"

written by Bureau, 23 July 2013
Rating:

Kanye West says Kanye West wrote the best rap verse of all time.

"The man is amazing isn't he? The rapper of all time! Let's give it up for me!"

written by Bureau, 23 July 2013
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No Free Sun for You! Why Arizona Wants to 'Tax' Solar Power

Will charge an extra 10% for every big solar flare. No tax breaks for cloudy days.

written by Bureau, 23 July 2013
Rating:

Beckham gives Prince tips on fatherhood!

David Beckham has given Prince Willy a few tips on fatherhood and the favourite one is; "don't do it like your dad!" "Thanks Becks, there's a knighhood on its way!" Replied the Prince!

written by Jaggedone, 23 July 2013
Rating:

U.S. Navy offers to help recover bombs from Great Barrier Reef

"If they are live bombs, you can collect all of them on your own, mate!"

written by Bureau, 23 July 2013
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Rooney congratulates new royal baby!

Wayne Rooney has congratulated the parents of the new royal baby and promised to visit them frequently when he moves to London!

written by Jaggedone, 23 July 2013
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Royal Baby is bald!

Shock, horror, the royal baby is bald just like his dad; it's a hereditary thing ask Rooney!

written by Jaggedone, 23 July 2013
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NCAA Chief Makes Proud Boast

"Ladies and gentlemen, it's almost time for NFL practice games to start and we still have TWO teams that have not had a single player arrested in the off season!"

written by Bureau, 23 July 2013
Rating:

Heatwave hits Halifax!

The heatwave causing much discomfort has just hit Halifax and has melted the local Building Society building!

written by Jaggedone, 23 July 2013
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First day of parenting faces William and Kate

No official name as of yet, although Prince William already calling him "Little Stinker".

written by Bureau, 23 July 2013
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Earth, as seen from 900 million miles away...

That's it. That middle dot up there in the title. How about that?

written by Bureau, 23 July 2013
Rating:

'Toilet-To-Tap' Water Purification Coming To CA.

Crowds of people place their house up for sale. "I'm not drinking my own piss ten times a day", one guy tells reporters.

written by Bureau, 23 July 2013
Rating:

NYC 911 System Crashes 4 Times On Monday.

Best start to a new week ever! Champagne bottles appear! Loud cheers!

written by Bureau, 23 July 2013
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Royal Baby Name

William and Kate have announced that their new baby son is to be called Richard Sebastian, or Rich Bastian for short.

written by IainB, 23 July 2013
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CIA backs study into controlling weather.

But then backs off after seven agents hit by lightning! Big hail storm on headquarters.

written by Bureau, 23 July 2013
Rating:

New Fudge Report: #2

Colon Pile has decided to join the staff. Sorry, that should have been Colin Powell!

written by Bureau, 23 July 2013
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New Fudge Report!

In the latest Fudge Report: Feenamint outperformed Ex-Lax three to two although the two were slightly bigger!

written by Bureau, 23 July 2013
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Report: Al-Qaida Growing!

Several witnesses say they are at least seven feet tall! But on the bright side, much easier to hit.

written by Bureau, 23 July 2013
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President begs Hollywood celebrities to help pitch ObamaCare.

Seems confused in the heat. "I hope the Yankees don't bring out Petite."

written by Bureau, 23 July 2013
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Shock Poll: Obama popularity down to 41%.

After mike left open on "Kerry is WHERE? He'll have a snowball's chance over there."

written by Bureau, 23 July 2013
Rating:

Kerry finalizing Middle East peace talks team

Apparently there will be 100 Israelis and 100 Palestinians at conference table....outdoors. "Kerry is the one with the big head!"

written by Bureau, 23 July 2013
Rating:

Royal Baby 'Will Suck our Blood in Mid-21st Century': Russian Lawmaker.

I wonder how long he worked on saying those words, nine months probably. At least he got a headline on Drudge and got his 15 seconds!

written by Bureau, 23 July 2013
Rating:

At least six killed in new Cairo violence.

Or it could have been Syria, Lebanon, Syria, Iraq, take your choice. People nutty everywhere!

written by Bureau, 23 July 2013
Rating:

Wrong turn places pope in middle of frenzied crowd!

First reverse miracle right off the bat! "He'll make it up in a hurry if he gets out of here alive", says bystander.

written by Bureau, 23 July 2013
Rating:

Rio Cops Fire Tear Gas, Water Cannons At Protesters

Protesters apparently had gambled on Kate having a girl baby.

written by Bureau, 23 July 2013
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Don't Believe Everything You Read!

David Cameron has called for greater controls on the internet after a major newspaper printed a hoax news report claiming the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have announced their decision to separate.

written by Tommy Twinkle, 23 July 2013
Rating:

New royal baby named

The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have named their new baby, who could one day be king. He will be named after another king and called Cnut.
The pair are said to have chosen the name "for the lulz".

written by CaptainSausage, 23 July 2013
Rating:

Police Arrested

Two Houston police officers were arrested today after being caught trying to sell CDs of "Hottest Under The Mattress Mikes"

written by Bureau, 23 July 2013
Rating:

Boston Grandmother arrested while crossing kitchen

Hidden mikes pick up the words "pressure cooker". Cooker full of garden grown green beans were blown up outside.

written by Bureau, 23 July 2013
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