Order by:
Rating:

Chicago Man Sues City For $500,000

Apparently Mr. Gerald Smyth was on one end of a see-saw while his son was on the other when the kid saw a puppy and jumped off. "Gerald Jr. will never get a baby sister now and somebody's gonna pay."

written by Bureau, 21 July 2013
Rating:

Two Buck Chuck Now $2.50

Memphis, Tennessee Pawn Shop customer tells owner he'll be back next week for his Free Bank Toaster. Takes $3 with him..just like every other Saturday night. "I need coffee next morning, not toast!"

written by Bureau, 21 July 2013
Rating:

Obese Boy Scouts banned from outing #3

Last year on "Limited Calories" a head count showed us 2 scouts were missing. They were never found. Some suspect that the two actually left the camp with the others, only inside a few fat stomachs.

written by Bureau, 21 July 2013
Rating:

Frisco Darling Found BeatenBadly in NYC

During a NYC blackout, Mayberrys Frisco Darling lit a match & asked what happened. "You hillbilly bum! They been out for 3 nights." "Oh, I jest got here. Well, think I'll go home. More power to you!"

written by Bureau, 21 July 2013
Rating:

Original Plans for Disneyland Celebrates Anniversary

The frozen head of Walt Disney at cryonics center thawed out just enough for him to see the big event.

written by Bureau, 21 July 2013
Rating:

Weather Channel Update!

Just before this years hurricane season, meteorologists have decided to drop Prozac, Paxil, Zoloft, Celexa and Lexapro from planes into storms while they're still in the Tropical Depression stage!

written by Bureau, 21 July 2013
Rating:

Germany Stands Tall, Apologizes For It's Past

"We are sorry and apologize for Hitler, Himmler and Bruce Willis", says foreign minister

written by Bureau, 21 July 2013
Rating:

President Obama Speaks Against Racism

"I hate racism too", adds VP Biden. "When it comes to hating a whole people because of their skin or country or race or politics. No, I have always hated one individual at a time."

written by Bureau, 21 July 2013
Rating:

Hind End Stores Use Facial Recognition to Spot VIPs.

I'm sorry, that should read High-End Stores Use Facial Recognition to Spot VIPs. It's the bathrooms in chain stores that use the Hind-End Recognition for spotting shoplifters.

written by Bureau, 21 July 2013
Rating:

Secret NSA Spy Network Exposed

NSA has over 13,000,000 old men and women peeking out windows, calling in about neighbors!

written by Bureau, 21 July 2013
Rating:

Mood shifting, Congress may move to limit NSA spying.

May only be 90% spied upon if complaints keep coming in.

written by Bureau, 21 July 2013
Rating:

Doctors planning exit

With ObamaCare, 60% of doctors say they plan to retire, move or seek other employment. I suppose the killing off of old people WILL help out Social Security, etc.

written by Bureau, 21 July 2013
Rating:

Meanwhile Back in Europe

Spain says they may sue the Polish for its new sport, "The Running From The Bullets". Say it's too much like their event at Pamplona" even though they lost against Ireland's "The Telling of the Bull".

written by Bureau, 21 July 2013
Rating:

Gas May Hit Record High Soon!

With so much turmoil in the Middle East & not that many hybrid or electric cars being produced, look for gas prices to climb further. Joe "Yogi" Biden, "We need more gas to produce more electricity."

written by Bureau, 21 July 2013
Rating:

Cameron Learns His Song

Bing Crosby, David Cameron's fag, has helped the PM with a two word jingle. The words are Unite and Weak. Cameron has to repeat them continually. No Smoke Gets In Your Eyes from this fag.

written by j.w., 21 July 2013
Rating:

Old Lefty Wins The British Open!

Phil Mickelson wins British Open. "Old Lefty get hot at the Right time!"

written by Bureau, 21 July 2013
Rating:

Another Business Hit By Flash Mob

Over 100 fat people hit Hershey's Plant but most caught because wobbling away. "We gave them a warning", says Police officer. Too fat to jail as it would take 15 or 16 jails.

written by Bureau, 21 July 2013
Rating:

Juror B-37 Goes Commercial

A Lifetime Movie Special: The Saga of Juror B-37: We Deliberated, We Anguished, We Cried Before Deciding That Poor Little Black Boy Got Exactly What He Deserved.

With Ann Coulter as Juror B-37

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 21 July 2013
Rating:

Environmental Group Say Poisons Not The Answer

"You don't have to poison your yard or plants", says Alice Copper. "The best way to kill them is to stomp on them, hit them with a brick, use fly swatter and clapping hands together."

written by Bureau, 21 July 2013
Rating:

U.S. drops bombs on Australia's Great Barrier Reef Marine Park

"Thought we saw a snake", claims pilot!

written by Bureau, 21 July 2013
Rating:

Snoops #807: Marvin Gaye Not Gay

According to Snoops: Marvin was neither Marvin nor gay. He had his name changed to "Grapevine Heard" just before he died. Family still argues he was out of it when he had it changed.

written by Bureau, 21 July 2013
Rating:

Southern Baptists Vote on Change

Many of its members want to change the name to Southern and Midwestern Baptists. "Not all that many Baptists up north", says spokesman.

written by Bureau, 21 July 2013
Rating:

The South Rises Again!

Applauds the winner of NASCAR event, goes to the toilet and sits back down!

written by Bureau, 21 July 2013
Rating:

Santa Claus Let Out of Jail

Santa Claus allowed to go back to North Pole after serving six-months sentence for being anti-Islamic, anti-Jewish! "No toys for either this year", he tells reporter.

written by Bureau, 21 July 2013
Rating:

Local Artist Gets Call For Job From Chicago Police

"$35,000 a year and all I have to do is use white chalk around bodies", says Elmer Fluke.

written by Bureau, 21 July 2013
Rating:

More Job Offers

With all those people looking for work, NYC has several openings that pay well and most of the time you do nothing but watch: "Catchers needed for Wall Street Jumpers!"

written by Bureau, 21 July 2013
Rating:

The Vatican has confirmed a second miracle by Pope John Paul II

He could become the first saint since David Blaine.

written by Bureau, 21 July 2013
Rating:

Why Don't People Get That Swimming With Dolphins Is a Bad Thing?

For one thing, most people don't know a dolphin from a shark!

written by Bureau, 21 July 2013
Rating:

Poem for the day

Roses are red,
Here's something new,
Violets are violet,
Not effing blue!

written by Trip Nasti, 21 July 2013
Rating:

Man convicted of sex abuse on plane

Only took three hours in First Class Seating, a few cocktails, to convince jury.

written by Bureau, 21 July 2013
Rating:

Senator Rips Obama Apart!

I'm, sorry, that should read: Senator rips Obama remark.

written by Bureau, 21 July 2013
Rating:

Mideast abuzz with hopes for peace

"Sorry. It turned out to be big swarm of locusts!"

written by Bureau, 21 July 2013
Rating:

Dad out, son in as Belgium's king

(Translation) "But I just spent some extra time on the commode. Where's the brownie recipe? I'll fix that young jasper!"

written by Bureau, 21 July 2013
Rating:

Giant Picture of Godzilla Appears in the Sky

Robin: "Holy Leapin' Lizards, Batman! Someone has hacked the chief's Bat Signal!"

written by Bureau, 21 July 2013
Rating:

Mich. governor front, center in Detroit bankruptcy

Has to dodge several old cars trying to run him down! Told to move out of front, center by police!

written by Bureau, 21 July 2013
Rating:

Four bodies found wrapped in plastic in Toronto suburb.

"And still fresh as the day they died", says commercial for plastic wrap, until pulled from the air!

written by Bureau, 21 July 2013
Rating:

20 cars torched in second day of protests.

You name the city. Too many to list here.

written by Bureau, 21 July 2013
Rating:

French police, youths clash over ban on Islamic face veils.

Also on horse meat, overcooked in Trigger Bourguignon.

written by Bureau, 21 July 2013
Rating:

White House Correspondent Helen Thomas Dead at 92.

An empty chair with one of her old purses will be at all meetings of the White House Press.

written by Bureau, 21 July 2013
Rating:

Egypt's interim president issues decree to start work on constitution.

"And don't use that one we broke by taking over by force", he tells them.

written by Bureau, 21 July 2013
Rating:

Was Israel's Latest 'Air' Attack on Syria from a Submarine?

Several witnesses say Israeli planes took off from submarine!

written by Bureau, 21 July 2013
Rating:

Now We're In For It!

Inventor perfects way to send 3D plans to download for making your own drone at home. Working on plans to send 3D download of robot soldiers.

written by Bureau, 21 July 2013
Rating:

U.S. Drone Surveillance Expanding Beyond Declared Combat Zones.

Also, expect the skies to be full from July 1 to just after 2016 election.

written by Bureau, 21 July 2013
Rating:

Secret court extends NSA trawl of VERIZON customers' phone records.

Including how often you have sex, how many trips do you make to the bathroom at night (Shared with drug company), what that noise was about one o'clock this morning.

written by Bureau, 21 July 2013
Rating:

Mood shifting, Congress may move to limit NSA spying.

We have all we need on each individual already!

written by Bureau, 21 July 2013
Rating:

Obamacare database worse than NSA Snooping.

But "Snopes" have more info on you than both the others, combined.

written by Bureau, 21 July 2013
Rating:

Both Zimmerman and Obama have 48% disapproval rating.

And probably neither one knows about it. Next Poll: "How many of you were born naked?

written by Bureau, 21 July 2013
Rating:

Women''s German soocer team banned!

The German womens soocer team has been banned from all competitions because they have an illegal advantage; they are all Dykes!

written by Jaggedone, 21 July 2013
Rating:

Andy Murray becomes US citizen!

Wimbledon winner, Scot Andy Murray, has become a US citizen because he wants to help the US have a winner again! Greg Rudzeksi will be his new trainer!

written by Jaggedone, 21 July 2013
Rating:

Obama spies on Syria!

Obama has been spying on Syria, but decided to turn the satellite off; not worth looking at no oil!

written by Jaggedone, 21 July 2013
Rating:

Batman and Superman tie the knot!

A gay film starring Batman and Superman is being filmed and Robin is their "best man"!

written by Jaggedone, 21 July 2013
Rating:

Mourinho woos Rooney!

The special one is wooing Rooney, but Wayne has not yet decided to stop stamping his feet!

written by Jaggedone, 21 July 2013
Rating:

Is there anybody out there!

The Spoof UK has just sent out an SOS!

written by Jaggedone, 21 July 2013
Rating:

Today at the Ashes

David Cameron watches some cricket, suffers embarrassing erection.

written by Trip Nasti, 21 July 2013
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