Spoof news snippets from July 2013
There were 1,442 spoof news snippets published in July 2013. A selection of the best rated snippets is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
How Many Code Names Does One Guy Need?
The Anthony Weiner Scandal keeps getting more and more confusing. Now it seems that Wiener's code name Carlos Danger also has a code name, Pablo Penis.
Joan Rivers Needs A Road Map To Find Some of Her Body Parts
Joan Rivers who recently turned 80, says that after so much plastic surgery her cleavage has now ended up with a belly button on it.
Beckham gives Prince tips on fatherhood!
David Beckham has given Prince Willy a few tips on fatherhood and the favourite one is; "don't do it like your dad!" "Thanks Becks, there's a knighhood on its way!" Replied the Prince!
Obama tells schoolkids broccoli is his favorite food
Must have lost an entire generation of future voters for that whopper!
Stacy Keibler Found It Hard To Fake Wrestling
Stacy Keibler said that one of the reasons why she broke up with George Clooney was his insistence of having 6 minutes of wrestling foreplay (with him always winning).
President Obama's Food Race
President Obama said that broccoli is his favorite food. He grinned and added "But let me be clear on this. In second place and closing in fast as hell is a hamburger."
Detroit Is In Bad Shape Except For The Tigers, Lions, Pistons, and Red Wings
Detroit goes bankrupt. Los Angeles says they can lend the city $7,000.
Russia sacks head of Bolshoi ballet
That's the last time any dancer pads out their crown jewels area of their tights with a copy of the Russian Constitution!
Flash floods in West Yorkshire
No need to show off. Floods would have been enough.
'Despicable Me' tramples 'Lone Ranger' at theaters
"No wonder he's the 'lone' Ranger", says film critic. Look at that thing beside him."
President Obama and The Percentage Game
President Obama's approval rating has fallen to 44 percent. But that's okay because his give a damn attitude has fallen down to 45 percent.
North Dakota Just Tries A Lot Harder
North Dakota leads the nation in beer drinking. It also leads the nation in Margarita drinking, Frozen Daiquiri drinking, and shivering.
Heatwave hits Halifax!
The heatwave causing much discomfort has just hit Halifax and has melted the local Building Society building!
Rooney congratulates new royal baby!
Wayne Rooney has congratulated the parents of the new royal baby and promised to visit them frequently when he moves to London!
Reduction in recorded crime is not despite of police cutbacks, said crime watchdogs, but because of them. "The cuts are in the department that records crime," said one Watchdog called Clock Rover.
Sheriff Joe "Pinky" Arpaio - The Man With A Plan
Sheriff Joe "Pinky" Arpaio says Arizona prisons are so overcrowded he may have to start secretly releasing some prisoners into neighboring states California, Nevada, Utah, and New Mexico
Real Madrid step up the chase for Gareth Bale
A spokesman for the La Liga Club today confirmed that Real Madrid will formally change their name to Rhyl Madrid in an attempt to make the Welsh footballer feel at home in Spain.
The NFL May Be Getting Into The Prison Business
Since February, a total of 32 NFL players have been arrested. If this keeps up the NFL may open up its own prison - The NFL Gridiron Bars Prison.
Royal Baby Name
William and Kate have announced that their new baby son is to be called Richard Sebastian, or Rich Bastian for short.
NFL Birds of A Feather
Since January, a total of 27 NFL players have been arrested. The Philadelphia Eagles, The Arizona Cardinals, and The Atlanta Falcons are all reportedly considering a name change to the Jailbirds.
England's Kings and Kings and Queens and Queens
England's Parliament has agreed to allow same-sex marriages. Count Bruce and The Duke of Liverpool both yell out "Yippie! Matey"
The Queens Will Be Flying To England
Now that Britain has allowed gays to marry, the country is expecting a tremendous influx of queens moving to England from Scotland, Ireland, Wales, France, Denmark, Germany, and even Lower Zamgola.
You Can Run - But You Can't Hide
The word out of Florida is that Zimmerman Trial Juror B-37, wants to change her name to F-93, and go into the Witness Protection Program.
Lindsay Lohan's Rehab Purpose Has Just Been Shot All To Hell!
Lindsay Lohan says that she is extremely bored at being in rehab and confessed that once she gets out she is going to party like there's no tomorrow.
Rihanna Could Have Used An Umbrella In Manchester
Rihanna pelted with chips during her Manchester Arena concert. She yelled out a few choice curse words. One concert goer replied, "She was bloody looky we didn't pelta with bangers and mash she was."
Alec "The Arrogant Diva" Baldwin Strikes Again!
Alec Baldwin is furious that someone used black paint to cover up his Hollywood Walk of Fame Star. He said when he catches the culprit he is going to waterboard him (or her).
The 2,300 California Prison Hunger Strike Inmates Have A Plan
2,300 California prison inmates are into day 11 of a hunger strike. Some now weigh 90 pounds and guards are concerned that they'll get so skinny they'll be able to crawl out through the iron bars.
The Reason Edward Snowden Turned Down Anna Chapman's Marriage Proposal
NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden says he rejected Russian spy Anna Chapman's marriage proposal because he is afraid she would always be spying on him.
The Sad Case of Alec Baldwin AKA The Drama Queen
Alec Baldwin says that he is really not such a bad guy since unlike Mike Tyson, he hasn't bitten anyone.
Say Bro Don't Worry, It's Just A Cat
A group of MIT scientists have discovered a way to make dogs meow. They say it will come in handy in K-9 undercover work.
Gary "The Space Cadet" Busey Is At It Again
Gary Busey has asked Donald Trump to lend him $1.3 million. He says he wants to build a space ship and explore Jupiter.
Stacy Keibler Knew How To Work George Clooney
Stacy Keibler was asked now that she and George Clooney have ended their relationship what does she miss the most about him. She winked and said, "Wrestling with him and always letting him win."
Kat Von D Has More Tattoos Than Alaska Has Eskimos
Kat Von D says that when she runs out of tattoo space, (which will be sometime in November) she will start getting ink art done on her esophagus.
Royal baby named after first U.S. President
Prince William and Kate, Duchess of Cambridge, decided to honor the United States' first president by calling their baby boy George. His full name is George Washington District of Columbia Windsor.
Obama spies on Syria!
Obama has been spying on Syria, but decided to turn the satellite off; not worth looking at no oil!
Illegal Aliens Hate Slow Moving Trains
The United States Immigration Department will begin returning illegal aliens back to Mexico by train. The reasoning is that way they won't return to the United States as quick.
Somebody Please Give Richard Simmons A Hand Mirror
Richard Simmons just turned 65, and he says that he looks 35. So Simmons is not only old, he's also delusional as well.
Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio Knows All About Tourism
Sheriff Joe Arpaio has denied that he is offering illegal aliens $175 each if they leave Arizona and move to Utah.
Kirstie Alley Never Met A Snack Food She Didn't Like
Reports out of Tinsel Town are that Kirstie Alley is planning on having a big Welcome Back Hostess Twinkies party at her Hollywood mansion.
Teenager passes sexual milestone
SARASOTA, FL--Jake Cavlet, 17, broke his personal record of six encouraging car honks during a makeout session before Jen Dittenhall, 16, insisted they leave the Costco parking lot.
Don't Believe Everything You Read!
David Cameron has called for greater controls on the internet after a major newspaper printed a hoax news report claiming the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have announced their decision to separate.
China discovers primitive, 5,000-year-old writing
However, thus far they have no clue as to WHAT he is writing. More later.
Romney becomes grandpa to 22
"I had help", he joked, while pointing out his twelve wives.
Officials warn of Shanghai Mad Cow disease
Blame reports of a Chinese steak in British nuclear reactors for the deathly pathogen
Edward Snowden - The Dancing Whistleblower?
NSA leaker Edward Snowden has been asked to appear on Russia's version of Dancing With The Stars. He said he'll check his schedule and get back with them.
Jesse Jackson Says Just Say "No" To Florida
Rev. Jesse Jackson says that every person in the United States should boycott Florida. So that means that old New York City couples are going to have to settle for Georgia.
Paula Deen Won't Be Taking Out Her Dancing Shoes
Paula Deen said she's been asked by Dancing With The Stars to appear on the upcoming season. She replied she is so damn upset she can barely walk much less dance the hokey pokey and stuff.
Penn and Teller Say They Want The Snowden Documents To Go Away
Edward Snowden says that he has 6,312 pages of secret documents on Penn Jillette and only 4 on his partner Raymond Teller.
Paula Deen Says She Needs Space
NASA says that they have turned down Paula Deen's request to be put on the next spaceship bound for Mars.
The Number of Weiners Is Unbelievable
The Guinness Book of World Records has just stated that the Weiner jokes have just surpassed the combined number of Polish, Ethiopian, George Bush, Sarah Palin, and blonde jokes.
The Return of Clint Eastwood
Clint Eastwood, who is 83, has just been offered a starring role in a remake of The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly. Movie bosses are changing the name to The Good, The Bad, and The Old As The Dickens.
Ke$ha May Have To Drop The $ Sign
Rock singer Ke$ha has said that if she doesn't start getting some gigs she may have to change her name to Ke¢ha.
Women''s German soocer team banned!
The German womens soocer team has been banned from all competitions because they have an illegal advantage; they are all Dykes!
What The Hell Is Going On With The NFL?
New England Patriots cornerback Alfonzo Dennard has been arrested on DUI charges. He told the police officers that he was just celebrating the fact that he has never been arrested.
Kirstie Alley Is All About Food
Kirstie Alley is asking that California make the chicken the official state bird. When asked why she grinned and replied, "Because they are so darn yummy."
That's Just Way Too Many Wieners
This year's Annual Hot Dog Eating Contest winner won by devouring a total of 69 hot dogs in 10 minutes. Afterwards he was rushed to the hospital where doctors performed an emergency wienerectomy.
Paula Deen Keeps Losing Business and Employees
Paula Deen has just fired her publicist. Reports are that next on the chopping block are her gynecologist and her pedicurist.
No One Likes Meat Loaf That Moves All By Itself
The Golden Corral Restaurant has said that the rumor that they will be adding a new meal item Dumpster Surprise to it's menu list is positively false.
Justin Bieber Says He Nearly Pissed On Himself
Justin Bieber took a piss in a New York City restaurant mop bucket. Comedian Zydeco Dupree said "The little punk needs to go back home to Canada and take a pee in his mama's cuisinart."
America's Most Faces-Polluted Bitches, legs Mapped
I'm sorry, that should be most feces polluted beaches mapped. My apologizes to Cher, others.
Separated At Birth, Or
Has anyone ever seen Bill Maher and Julian Assange together in the same room?
Colorado Will Be Rolling In It!
The state of Colorado has just announced that they will be taxing marijuana at an amazing 35 percent. Word is that next week the tax on pizza will also go up to 35 percent.
Celebs with no nudity clauses in their contracts
Not every Hollyweird strumpet will get naked on film for money. In fact, the list of those who refuse to do so is surprisingly long: Sarah Michelle Gellar, Reese Witherspoon, and Julia Roberts.
Texas Man May Change Identity To Protect Himself
Texas man wrongly extradited to Miami TWICE for armed robbery and kidnapping committed by man with same name and birthday. "I guess I'm going to have to get a fake ID before they leave me alone."
119 year old woman 'world's oldest person'.
Winks at male presenting prize and whispers, "I'm actually only 104. Look me up."
Required Every Three Month Superhero Film Premieres
Next Up: Secret Tales of The Flying Squirrel!
New Super-Dooper Walmarts Opening Soon
Will carry new homes, airplanes, big indoor pools, up to 1,000 pound customer shopping vehicles.
Why Did We Stop Building Pyramids?
According to Prof. Ronnie Hawkins, "Because we'd soon run out of space with 400-foot-tall tombstones." Prof. Robbie Robertson concurs. "Prof. Helm could always explain it better but he's gone."
Kanye West says Kanye West wrote the best rap verse of all time.
"The man is amazing isn't he? The rapper of all time! Let's give it up for me!"
Dolphins May 'See' Pregnant Women's Fetuses
Almost exactly the way Nostradamus predicted it, except he thought it would be sea turtles.
Crickets are energy bar's key ingredient!
Inventor says they really give you a kick. May not be laughing after lawsuit by PETA. That should be PETC, the Cricket division.
Farrah Goes to Rehab for Booze
"Well, she certainly won't find any here", says receptionist.
Lone Ranger Failure Changes Movie Plans
With "The Lone Ranger" movie becoming a flop, movie makers have given up on making a new movie based on the old TV program "The Jack Lalanne Show".
Depp's interest in Wounded Knee causes a stir
"Movie star thinks he's native American. Maybe want to build casino", say Chief Crazy Slots.
Baby Boy Celebrations Continue
Briton still celebrating birth of royal baby! Many calling in too sick to work finds no one there to answer phone.
Who Will Be New Royal Baby's Nanny?
Thus far the top choice seems to be Sir Elton John!
Betty Crocker To Drop Paula Deen Also?
Although they haven't officially told Paula Deen to leave, it could happen any time after this morning's "Betty Baker's Croc Mix". "I'm just nervous she told viewers. I meant Ginger Baker's Croc Mix."
The Old Pro
Long time environmental activist always carries a bar of soap in his pocket just in case they turn on the fire house. "That's usually step too after the bullhorn", he tells new guys.
Criminals Hate New Public Records Website
Many are striking back by hacking into innocent peoples records and recording them as molesters, especially the families of police officers.
Cuba's Raul Castro backs asylum offers for Snowden
"He needs to go asylum", says Raul. "He's crazy as Fidel!"
Walmart Asks Girl Scouts Not To Sell Cookies
A spokeswoman says that too many of their obese customers cause huge ham up in front of store, purchasing Girl Scout Cookies. "Nothing personal. Someone might fall on one of the little girls."
Another NFL Player in Trouble?
No name released yet, but apparently a member of the Tennessee Titans was caught making moonshine in the East Tennessee mountains.
No Win Situation In Egypt
Most countries are giving up on Egypt. "They're at the point of throwing fits, rocks, 'Yo Mama' jokes at each other.", says Joe Biden.
More Cave Drawing Found in France
After deciphering, experts say these may not be as old as others: "Kilroy Was Here".
Weiner At It Again!
Political candidate has been accused by the press of sending more dirty pics over internet. Weiner on Press reports: "They just like playing with me."
Angelina Jolie Thinks She's Got Lips of Love, But...
Angelina Jolie says she knows that Brad Pitt hates her big lips so she is seriously thinking about going in and having a lip reduction.
The Matter of Princess Kate's Placenta
Princess Kate states that the rumor that she will be selling her placenta on eBay is a lie that she believes was probably made up by Ricky Gervais.
Danica Patrick Lets The Cat Out of The Bag
NASCAR's Danica Patrick stated that Kyle Petty insulted her because he has to pee sitting down just like her.
Charles Barkley: 'I Agree With Verdict'
"I usually agree with whatever others don't, disagree with what other's agree. Shows I can think on my own, thank you."
Even Barefoot, Nicole Kidman Still Towers Over Hubby Keith Urban
The statuesque Nicole Kidman says that she loves her husband Keith Urban so much that she would be willing to go in for height reduction surgery if he asked her to.
Bill Clinton Confesses
Earlier in my life, I think I would had liked being named "Weiner" or maybe "The Weiner"!
Ten Jobs Employers Cannot Fill!
The great skills gap mystery continues. Despite millions of workers still looking for jobs, there are a wide variety of positions employers just can't seem to fill, research shows. #1 Laxative Tester!
Futuristic British Space Plane Engine to Get Flight Test in 2020
Flight tests of an engine for the giant space plane Skylon are expected by 2020. "We Are Borg".
16th World Bodypainting Festival Under Way in Austria
Lots of sci-fi movie personnel on hand for ideas about possible new movie aliens.
Ten Top Jobs Employers Cannot Fill #2
Despite all the skills of workforce and all the people out looking for jobs, some employers cannot fill jobs they need done. For instance: Portable Toilet Cleaner!
Are You Suffering with Joint Discomfort?
If you are in a state that allows smoking pot, try "Kentucky Presents Loafer's Glory". No discomforts here!
Although millions are looking for jobs, these employers cannot find workers
Despite the high number of workforce & all the people out looking for jobs, some employers cannot fill jobs they need done. For instance: Cat Food Taster
Ten Jobs Employees Cannot Fill #4
The great skills gap mystery. Despite millions of workers still looking for jobs, there is a wide variety of positions employers just can't seem to fill, research shows. For instance: Roadkill Remover
Steroids Again? First Bat Home Run!
The steroid issue came up again after baseball player misses ball for strike three but loses bat...over the fence and into the right field bleachers. No one hurt.
Erection Update: Pressure mounts on Weiner to pull out.
"When he's has that big Weiner head made up, he'll push ahead and never lose his concentration", says wife, Phyllis Weiner.
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