Spoof news snippets from Monday 7 January 2013
What does Thatcher and Cameron have in common?
Good question: For the answer ask the Argentinians; they're always obliging when a UK PM is losing his or her marbles!
Thatcher to speak at Party HQ
Lady Thatcher is to speak in public at a dinner tonight. She will congratulate David Cameron on his distraction of the NHS and wish him well in the coming pointless war with Argentina.
Lord Strathclyde leaves cabinet
He already has his snout and two front trotters in the trough at a multinational bank.
The Hobbit chased off by Chainsaw
Relations between F1 Supremo Bernie Ecclestone and Luca di Montezemolo reached an all time low when the 82 year old was chased from Maranello by the Ferrari boss who was wielding a chainsaw.
Messi claims fourth Ballon d'Or
Ronaldo is said be "very sad" to miss out although his expected huge pay day from LA Galaxy will cheer him up.
Detective 'offered leaks for cash'
The Chief Superintendent has claimed in court that the 'leeks' she offered to 'The New of the World' were an effort to help her husbands new organic vegetable business and not anything else.
Coalition to go the distance, Cameron and Clegg insist
Although many in the country are hoping for a knock out blow before the end of the third.
Ring Binder sues Owner
The binder decided to sue after it was forced to contain lists of women by former Presidential candidate Mitt Romney.
York Minster Coated in Fat
York Minster has been coated in fat to keep out the rain, BUT a bonus is that it will also keep out Muslims. The idea will spread among 12,000 other churches.
Clegg and Cameron Married for 2.5 Years
SO THAT'S WHY…
They had to redefine marriage!
Cat Busted for Smuggling Contraband
Prison Officers first became suspicious after a 6'8 man convicted of assault with intent to harm attempted to claim that a pink fluffy mouse found during a routine search was his.
Butch & Sundance Ride Agin!
Coalition is 'steadfast and united' says 'Do-nothing- Dave'....so true Dave and Elvis is appearing 'live' at the 02 next week cobber!
A Chelsea man has claimed that he can swim freestyle backwards. However, nobody can verify his claim as he is a quadraplegic. What a lot of good that pronouncement made. And now for something else...
Hosepipe ban imminent.
Anglia Water says it must introduce a hosepipe ban soon otherwise we will have nothing to do. The ban due to start next week will safeguard several jobs within the company.
Police Community Support Dog's to be trialed.
The use of Police Community Support Dog's or PCSD'S for short are to be trialed by Suffolk Police. However they will not have the same powers as real Police dogs and will only be used as a deterrent.