Spoof news snippets from January 2013
There were 239 spoof news snippets published in January 2013. A selection of the best rated snippets is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
WASHINGTON, D.C.--Securities and Exchange Commission Chairman Mary Schapiro wasn't sure why reporters were calling the SEC "the undisputed best", but she'll take compliments wherever they come from.
The 124 MPH Dancing Mama - Shakira
Colombian singer-belly dancer Shakira has just given birth to a baby boy who was named Milan Piqué Mebarak. The proud mother says she will nickname him either "Shakey" or "Hippie."
The Tallest Pelicans In America
The NBA New Orleans Hornets will change their name effective with the 2013-2014 basketball season. Their new team name will be the Pelicans. The name that came in second was The Blackened Fish.
Paris Hilton Cannot Stand Being On The Backburner
Paris Hilton confided to her hair stylist FuFi Fondue that once Lindsay Lohan goes to prison, she'll get herself back in the Hollywood spotlight.
Where Is Little Bunny Foo Foo?
Former GOP Vice-Presidential candidate Paul Ryan says that contrary to popular belief he has not gone into The Witness Protection Program. He stated that he is just tired of having to keep his facts straight.
Manti Te'o May Say Bye-Bye To Football
Manti Te'o says that he has had it with all of this Te'o Gate mess and may quit football and become either a professional wrestler or a fiction writer.
70s glam rock Mud make comeback in China
The Chinese are going crazy for 70s glam rockers Mud, in the confused belief that their number 1 hit record "Tiger Feet" is a genuine aphrodisiac.
Women Will Have No Excuse!
"I'll only be a minute love!" Women using Loganair's flight from Westray to Papa Westray in the Orkney islands will have no excuse because of flight lasts less than 50 seconds.
Don't let hardened criminals out early, says Justice Secretary
"Best wait until they've gone a bit soft. That way you know they are probably satisfied and unlikely to do any harm. In fact they'll probably just go straight to sleep"
Indian Students Fall by 25%
The number of Indian students applying for university placements has fallen by 25% this year. Meanwhile, there has been a 42% increase in applications made by Cowboys.
Gang of Robbers Break-In to Milton Keynes Swimming Pool
At least five robbers were caught in an attempted robbery at the swimming pool in Milton Keynes. They were chased by the police and jumped into the deep end, thus causing a mini crime-wave!
Obama sets out drastic overhaul of US gun flaws
Second Amendment about rights to 'bear' arms to extend to pandas
JP Morgan halves Jamie Dimon-Jubilee's annual rake-off
Watch as they push him over the fiscal cliff early next week.
The Duke of Edinburgh Is Still the Best Shot!
Prince Philip: 8 pheasants with 10 rounds.
Prince Harry: a brace of Taliban fighters with 2,000 rounds.
Triple Drip On the Way!
Weather forecasters predicts that UK's floods will be replaced by very short showers - the triple drip.
A Couple of Royal Doulton Specials
Following the issue of topless photographs of Kate Middleton, Royal Doulton have decided to produce a pair of Memorial jugs in fine porcelain.
Supermarkets to stock 'GG-free' burger range
Latest On $1 Trillion Platnum Coin
Treasury nixes $1 trillion platinum coin, however, the $1 trillion .95 cents platinum coin is still a maybe.
Tesco Not to Be Prosecuted under The Sale of Goods Act
Tesco are not to be fined under thei Sale of Goods Act after a box of Hors D'oeuvres was found to contain parts of a real horse
HMV Vouchers to Be Accepted by Tesco
HMV vouchers are now acceptable in most Tesco supermarkets. Just tell the checkout person that HMV stands for horsemeat voucher. Every Little Helps!
Brian Cox to Star in Doctor Who Creation Series
Brian Cox is to star in a series of how Dr Who was created. Meanwhile, Prof Brian Cox accuses the BBC of confusing, mixed messages. He said: "I am a professor and they are not!" David Attenborough was unavailable to comment.
Paul Lowton Escapes Prison Sentence
Website owner, Paul Lowton escaped being sent to prison today after he was found in possession of 125 iPads. In his defence, he produced a prescription where the doctor said, "keep taking the tablets!"
Dove Returns To Somerset Village With An Olive Branch In Its Beak
'This is indeed joyous news,' said one resident. 'It means that dry land may be just beyond the horizon.'
It's the secret that dentists don't want you to know...
If you clean your teeth they will probably need less dental work.
Hand Transplant Successful - Partly!
The first Briton to undergo a hand transplant has announced it was a great success. HOWEVER, the hand must have belonged to a woman because it keeps applying lipstick and mascara to his face.
Hosepipe ban imminent.
Anglia Water says it must introduce a hosepipe ban soon otherwise we will have nothing to do. The ban due to start next week will safeguard several jobs within the company.
Clegg and Cameron Married for 2.5 Years
SO THAT'S WHY…
They had to redefine marriage!
Samsung admit duplicity
Samsung have admitted that their new Samsung Galaxy S3 Mini is an ordinary Samsung Galaxy S3, just held further away from the eye.
Classifieds - Compact Disc player
For sale, one compact disc player. It measures only one inch each side, making it very compact. None of my discs fit in it, hence £15.
Prince Harry Kills Taliban Fighters
Prince Harry claims that he killed some Taliban fighters in Afghanistan. What did they expect him to do? Sit down and have tea and biscuits with them?
The best thing about being old is that no one thinks you are suffering from hypochondria if you say you are feeling ill.
BritTel increase phone charges
BritTel, Britain's number one telecom company, has rewritten an old proverb. "Some people," said CEO Harry Balls, "say that talk is cheap. Not us, we say talk is £40 an hour."
York Minster Coated in Fat
York Minster has been coated in fat to keep out the rain, BUT a bonus is that it will also keep out Muslims. The idea will spread among 12,000 other churches.
"I'll be leaving yew now!"
EX New Labour Fourth Reich Fuhrer Tony Bliar receives Award for helping Poles to move to England. I always knew he had both hands grafted onto his buttucks, palms outstretched!
Church Of England Accepts Gay Male Bishops If They Commit To Remaining Celibate
'We will also accept women bishops if they commit to a sex change,' confirmed a spokesman for the General Synod. 'After all, we don't want to appear medieval in our thinking.'
Police Community Support Dog's to be trialed.
The use of Police Community Support Dog's or PCSD'S for short are to be trialed by Suffolk Police. However they will not have the same powers as real Police dogs and will only be used as a deterrent.
Hugh Hefner the World's Most Hated Man
In a global internet poll Hugh Hefner has been declared the most hated man on the planet by all males over the age of thirteen and under the age of ninety.
South Carolina man figures out Al Gore's TV deal
AIKEN, SC--If Al Gore selling his TV station to Al Jazeera isn't proof Democrats are buddies with the terrorists, Brian Randell doesn't know what is.
Large quasar group even larger than lunch lady Miss Ella
Astronomy students at Harfold State College say they've discovered a cluster of quasars larger than Ella, the school's 78-year-old lunch lady. One of the drunken assholes is considering telling her.
Shergar Has Been Found!
Police looking for in the famous racehorse, Shergar are paying particular attention to Tesco beefburgers which have been sent to forensic laboratories in London.
You Already Knew This
In a bipartisan vote (49 to 1) Florida has been elected as the most f**ked up state in the US!
Following the resignation of CIA Director David Petraeus, President Obama's entire cabinet also resigned. These officials admitted they have been screwing the American people for the last four years!
Politically Correct Destruction
The American Bus Drivers Association (ABDS) has objected to politicians using the expression "thrown under the bus." ABDA has suggested the use of "thrown under the trolley."
Shades of George Orwell
Hamas fires rockets from Gaza at Israeli civilians, hiding behind Palestinian civilians and then claims Israeli aggression when Israel strikes back!
You're Not Alone
A famous maker of lady's panties and men's briefs has increased their size. As long as President Obama and the federal government continue to get into American's pants, extra room will be provided!
Cameron sued by DC Comics
DC comics are to sue the Prime Minister over what they perceive as an unauthorized impersonation of their character two face. This after viewing his recent comments on Europe.
Tesco Burgers. Well, every My Little Pony helps...
Lady Gaga buys Neverland!
Loony Lady Gaga has bought Michael Jackson's Neverland because his ghost still haunts the place and has wrote Lady a brand new song called; "I'm mad so mad!" She's also bought Shutter Island!
Chip, Chip, Chip
President Obama has been called a Chicago Democratic politician. No, he's more like a 1950s eastern European Soviet politician, slowly chipping away at US citizen's Constitutional rights!
Te'oing takes internet by storm!
Manti Te'o's imaginary girlfriend has sparked the new internet craze. Get your camera's ready and snap a shot with you and your imaginary significant other.
House GOP introduces bill to test welfare recipients
REP. Mike Simpson, from Idaho, has introduced a bill that would require all people on any form of welfare to submit to a wheat test. Simpson said "Anyone who can afford bread, does not need help!"
101% off everything!
Retail sales over Christmas disappointing, not for ALDI, Lidl, 99p Shop, Poundland and Primart is wasn't, lower prices & better busines acumen could be the reason for their respective soaring profitS!
Seemingly panic buying has broken out across parts of the country, rotund MP Eric Pickles has so far been forcibly ejected and banned from several leading Supermarkets and Greggs Bakery outlets!
Shake it up baby!
Earthquake tremor felt in Leicester, could not have happened to a nicer place.
"You want ice with that cobber?"
Here we go again, quote: 'Snow costs UK economy £500m a day'...so that £55m per day we flush down the EU membership crapper is a bargain after all, well I'll be buggered!!
Bad news! Snow melting.
The Met Office has been forced to admit that snow is melting in a number of regions, where the temperature is above freezing. Reporters are comforted by the likelihood of flooding headlines by Monday.
Teen Blindness on rise!
Atlanta, Ga- Recent studies are showing that blindness in teenage males are on the rise in several southern states. "Masturbation is the reason, we told them they would go blind" Dr.Johnson M.D.
"Tie me what down!"
British grandfather wrestles shark in Oz....good luck with that cobber, I'll stick with the wife!
Winner Becomes Loser
"Keep calm and carry on." Farewell Michael Winner, who has lost his battle with cancer today.
75 year old pensioner, Arthur Rytiss, sentenced to death for smuggling Conservative leaflets into Barnsley!!
Shots Fired at Milton Keynes Bar
Shots have been fired at a Milton Keynes nightclub - police have no idea what triggered the commotion.
Proposed Route For The High-Speed Train Network Linking Birmingham To Manchester And Leeds Will Stop At Five Stations
'This is ridiculous,' said a spokesman for the train designers. 'Stopping the train will undermine all our efforts to minimise the journey time.'
That Policeman just called me a Dope for overtaking a bus!
When is volcanic ash an act of God?
Volcanic ashes to ashes is an act of god claimed Ryanair boss Michael O Leary and because he is a self proclaimed "god" and "good samaritan" he is to blame! So pay up you tight sod!
Underfunded UK Sports To Merge In Quest For Rio Gold
'Training for the new Olympic sport of table-volley-basket-hand-wrestling will commence as soon as the new rules are clarified,' said a spokesman for the sport's newly formed governing body.
Depardieu gains Russian citizenship, but still no cure for ugly
Gerard Depardieu got Russian citizenship, the application processed by the all-fair Vladimir Putin. Depardieu will avoid a possible French tax hike, but there is still no cure for bloated and old.
Ned is dead!
Ned Kelly, scourge of the corrupt English in Australia is dead and been buried. Queen Victoria turned in her grave at the news!
Eden Hazard is not guilty!
Chelsea's Eden Hazard is not guilty because he missed that ball boy's balls and the boy faked the injury. Eden will not apologise because he say's the boy's balls are not "Blue" enough!
God tells man to spend 200Kon his church!
God told a UK man to donate 200K on one of his churches, so he did it proving money is not the root of all evil (sometimes)!
Who are you-hoo-hoo?
Tory boy democracy, Dave has dismissed calls for the leader of the UKIP party to be allowed to take part in the next election leaders debate only his two favourites 'Bungo'! Clegg and 'Zippy' Milipeed
President Obama's First Proposition
Taxes + Revenue = Overspending
Razor blades will do
A London man has admitted he ate razor blades for a week because he couldn't afford food. "Beautiful, with a white wine sauce washed down with a French savignon blanc. Delicious!!" he explained.
Some like it up 'em!
John Barrowman hurt in Pantomime horse fall....the perils of being the back half .....bad career move cobber.
Just One Recession, give it to me!
Financial 'experts' warn of imminent triple dip recession......make mine a Baskin Robbins with a flake Dave!
Buddy can you spare a nappy?
Part-time PM 'Do-nothing-Dave' defends child benefit cuts, of course you do Dave, all the more money to squander on unecesssary overseas aid cobber!
crush a bug!
Rare Beatles photos go under the hammer...well and truly buggered now!
A Chelsea man has claimed that he can swim freestyle backwards. However, nobody can verify his claim as he is a quadraplegic. What a lot of good that pronouncement made. And now for something else...
Butch & Sundance Ride Agin!
Coalition is 'steadfast and united' says 'Do-nothing- Dave'....so true Dave and Elvis is appearing 'live' at the 02 next week cobber!
Coalition to go the distance, Cameron and Clegg insist
Although many in the country are hoping for a knock out blow before the end of the third.
The Hobbit chased off by Chainsaw
Relations between F1 Supremo Bernie Ecclestone and Luca di Montezemolo reached an all time low when the 82 year old was chased from Maranello by the Ferrari boss who was wielding a chainsaw.
Thatcher to speak at Party HQ
Lady Thatcher is to speak in public at a dinner tonight. She will congratulate David Cameron on his distraction of the NHS and wish him well in the coming pointless war with Argentina.
What does Thatcher and Cameron have in common?
Good question: For the answer ask the Argentinians; they're always obliging when a UK PM is losing his or her marbles!
BBC Fume at Bowie
The BBC are livid that David Bowie has chosen to come out of retirement on the same day that Dot Cotton is due to return to Albert Sq. "Bowie will steal all the headlines" The DG bemoaned to the Metro
Its in the stars.
The Milky Way is said to house over 17 billion earth-like planets....strewth no wonder my Mars bar was so big!
And you thought Jagger was out of touch!
Ageing superstar, David Bowie, has released a single after a 10 year break and maybe he should of thought better! A reporter asked Justin Bieber what he thought of the single and he replied, "who?"
Channel 4 have announced a new series of Jeremy Kyle where four guests take it in turns to cook frozen pizzas and Pot Noodles for each other.
It's called 'Scum Dine With Me'.
"Can I claim for Tissues as well?"
MP's want salary hike to more than £80,000, I knew Babestation were upping their fee but not that much surely?
Once Upon a Term In Office.
Part-time PM and 'gofer' Nick Clegg blasted by Lib Dem voters (?) on radio-phone in job, they consider 'Listen With Mother' beneath him!
Take That and Party!
India gang rape men 'beaten by police for confessions', could not have happened to a nicer bunch!
Britain bans booze!
Britain is to become the second nation in the free world to ban booze! North Korea were the first; BURP!
Olympic 100m bottle thrower found guilty, what!...no Gold medal?
32% pay rise for Brit MPs!
Brit MP's are demanding a 32% pay rise because they feel the garbage and hot air that spews out of their mouths is worth much more. The tax-payer who picks up their rubbish will get 0,00%!
Troy Aikman Doesn't Get Troy Aikman Reference
Former Cowboys quarterback Troy Aikman was noticeably confused after Joe Buck compared Matt Ryan's throwing style to his own. "I played football?" said Aikman, as he was helped back into his seat.
William and Kate: baby due to be hatched in July....absolutely spiffing chaps, now I'll be able to sleep nights!
Bum cream crucified Lance Armstrong!
Lance Armstrong has told Oprah Winfrey he never took drugs, but he did wipe his sore bum with bum cream every evening and that is why they "crapped" on him!
New Iranian President Wanted
Iranian Mullahs fire President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad after the UN meeting in NYC when he admitted eating a Kosher Hebrew National hot dog and trying to purchase 72 virgins!
Living afterbirth and N-Dubz personage, Dappy found guilty over fight, also found guilty of stealing oxygene daily!!
"Just put a bloody cross on it Mildried!"
It is estimated that up to a third of Conservaties voters will back the UKIP at the next election, the other two-thirds will be watching Eastenders will the working classes!
Horseburgers or hamburgers; sex or no sex?
The horse-meat burger scandal rocking Britain is not as bad as it seems because horseburgers make people thin, hamburgers make them fat and anybody who eats them turns into a 'mercurial stud'!