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21st Century Conservative Values?

Pakistani girl shot for going to school alters 14th Century dogma depriving females of education. Honor student shot in Chicago prompts dogmatic Tea Partier to bash First Lady for attending funeral.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 09 February 2013
Rating:

Shergar found

Shergar found...in a McDonalds burger.

written by CaptainSausage, 09 February 2013
Rating:

Real Housewives of Bonners Ferry?

GOP Rep. Labrador of Idaho fires staffer for posting reference to racy TV sitcom in tweet confessing, "Me likey Broke Girls." I wasn't aware the Potato State had anything other than "broke girls."

written by The San Francisco Onion, 09 February 2013
Rating:

We Wanted You to Wear Clothes

Due to the Grammy crackdown on exposed breasts and butts this year, Lady Gaga decided to wear a far less revealing garment made entirely of chicken breasts and butt steak.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 09 February 2013
Rating:

Another Argument for Mental Health Services

LONE RANGER: In Indiana, N. Carolina, people shot each other to celebrate the 2nd Amendment.

TONTO: That the only 2 states Romney take from Obama. Voters sick in head, Kemo Sabe! Medicine not fix.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 09 February 2013
Rating:

Finding Nemo - In the Driveway

Tropical storm running 4 months late, or maybe 3 months early, collides with cold, dry air over Pennsylvania/Kentucky, dumping 3 feet of frozen tropical moisture on climate change skeptic.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 09 February 2013
Rating:

Just a Fracking Minute

LONE RANGER: Environmentalists don't want fracking, but business interests do.

TONTO: Money just worthless paper when planet die. No tree to hug. Where Tonto eat granola, Kemo Sabe?

written by The San Francisco Onion, 09 February 2013
Rating:

Obama Trumps Trump

President Obama presents Donald Trump birth certificate and DNA sample proving that he is actually President Abraham Lincoln, finally answering any remaining questions about where he got those ears.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 09 February 2013
Rating:

I Owe Silver

LONE RANGER: Liberals tax and spend. Conservatives don't tax, but spend anyway.

TONTO: Conservative way not make sense. My father own cigar shop. Him put money in bank to cover check, Kemo Sabe!

written by The San Francisco Onion, 09 February 2013
Rating:

I'm Not Surprised

San Francisco woman surprised when man who just robbed her returns moments later with shopping bag containing celery, seaweed, bean curd, alfalfa sprouts, fish roe and chopped eels.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 09 February 2013
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