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Meanwhile, Back at the Hall of Justice

BATMAN: Karl Rove is attacking Ashley Judd.

ROBIN: Holy action heroes, Batman! This guy's no Chuck Norris or Schwarzenegger. He'll take a thrashing before he gets Ashley back in the kitchen!

written by The San Francisco Onion, 06 February 2013
Rating:

Corporate Profits Up, Worker Wages Down, No New Jobs

"If the rest of them can survive only by destroying us, then why should we wish them to survive?"

Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged

written by The San Francisco Onion, 06 February 2013
Rating:

Ayn Rand exposed as Godless Liberal!

"What is man? He's just a collection of chemicals with delusions of grandeur."

Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged

written by The San Francisco Onion, 06 February 2013
Rating:

Huhne sentenced to re-marry Pryce as 'deterrent'

Human rights groups have reported they are apalled by the severity of the punishment.

written by Crunk, 06 February 2013
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"Assault Weapons Are Gay"

Poll: People who oppose homosexual scout masters being around children are also quick to stand up against common sense regulations to keep deranged gunmen out of schools. What gives?

written by The San Francisco Onion, 06 February 2013
Rating:

Gazza goes to rehab on a pint!

Gazza downed a final pint before entering rehab in the US. He told the scum paparazzi why; "You try taking penalties against the Germans, they drive anybody to drink!"

written by Jaggedone, 06 February 2013
Rating:

Lick it, stick it and kiss it goodbye

As of this week, the United States Postal Service will no longer deliver mail on Saturdays, says Cole Turnblatt of Ames, Iowa, who was delivered the Postmaster General's memo by mistake.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 06 February 2013
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......."You're nicked your Highness!"

Operation Yewtree cops arrest Richard the Third skeleton for the murder of two young Princes in 1483!!

written by Herrdoktorfox, 06 February 2013
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"No Win no nuttin'"

Richard III spinal curvature attributed to 'medieval wheel clamp'...lawyers4U considering legal action.

written by Herrdoktorfox, 06 February 2013
Rating:

"Crumbs!!"

Hot on the heels of supposedly finding 'Richard the Turd' the hunt is now on for AlfRed the Great....rumoured to be buried under Gregg's the baker in Whitechapel.

written by Herrdoktorfox, 06 February 2013
Rating:

.......Mirror, Mirror!

The facial reconstruction of Richard the III looks like Prince Charming from Shreck 2....come on guys you can do better than that surely?

written by Herrdoktorfox, 06 February 2013
Rating:

"Can I have some more please, Sir?"

Poverty blamed for increase in child neglect...welcome to 'Great' Britain 2013....well done Tory Boys!!

written by Herrdoktorfox, 06 February 2013
Rating:

..."Oooh, Rodney!"

Gay marriage: Cameron could pay a heavy price....you bet cobber Nick will now be legally humping you 24/7!

written by Herrdoktorfox, 06 February 2013
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Arab Spring

High Jump champion Abdul Nasseri leaps into record books

written by j.w., 06 February 2013
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Isn't everything supposed to be BIGGER in Texas?

Skinflint Texas Gov. Rick Perry tries to lure California businesses back to his home state with a miserly $25,000 ad campaign. If his ass was any tighter, he'd squeak when he walks.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 06 February 2013
Rating:

Killing Two Birds With One Assault Weapon

Pres. Obama under fire for using drones to kill Americans abroad who pose an imminent threat to national security. Well, if he sent "good guys with guns" to do it, would that be okay?

written by The San Francisco Onion, 06 February 2013
Rating:

"There You Go Again"

Climate change deniers insist "Little Ice Age" was due to a dip in solar activity, not a deadly Black Plague that reduced the world's population of tree-chopping, log-burning humans by nearly half.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 06 February 2013
Rating:

Two Good Guys with Guns

Clayton Moore: Men should live by the rule of what is best for the greatest number. I'm for sensible gun control legislation.

Jay Silverheels: Me too, Kemo Sabe. More guns not solve every problem.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 06 February 2013
Rating:

Two Opposable Thumbs Down

Sen. John McCain takes heat from the Left for comparing Iran's President Ahmadinejad to a monkey. Moderates still comparing McCain to a monkey for choosing Sarah Palin as a running mate.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 06 February 2013
Rating:

Click now, or forever hold your peace

Academic journal publishes study showing that straight men who watch lots of porn tend to support same-sex marriage rights - unlike homophobic closet cases, who tend to watch a lot of gay porn.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 06 February 2013
Rating:

Wayne LaPierre Wants More Mental Health Services

Good point: LaPierre's supporters seem to believe that this is 1791, and that a magical communist King born in Kenya is waiting just outside the door to take their guns.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 06 February 2013
Rating:

Impeachable Offenses

King Obama I has violated US citizens 1st (freedom of religion), 2nd (right to bear arms), 4th, 5th, 6th (illegal search/seizure, due process, jury trial, killing) Amendments to the US Constitution!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 06 February 2013
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More About Impeachable Offenses

King Obama I gives amnesty to illegal immigrants, ignores federal laws doesn't like, violates US citizen's rights home & abroad (no declared war), unconstitutional recess appointments & has no budget!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 06 February 2013
Rating:

Tectonic Plate Warning I

Climate Change Guru Al Gore's defection has liberal professors frantic for new taxpayer funds. They asked Pres. Obama for $1 billion a yr to study Tectonic Plates smashing into each other in 500 yrs!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 06 February 2013
Rating:

Tectonic Plate Warning II

UN officials at their NYC headquarters claim they can see the Alps moving. Iran's Pres. Ahmadinejad to head a 500 man (no women) committee that has already blamed Israel for Tectonic Plate movement!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 06 February 2013
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Enforce Littering Laws

A Maryland city to institute flogging of slobs caught throwing plastic bags on the ground, as a five cent fee for supermarket bags is just another useless tax on residents.

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 06 February 2013
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Lack of Common Sense

The Obama administration still has doubts Iran wants to build a nuclear bomb. Then why is Iran spending far in excess of funds needed for peaceful nuclear purposes & putting up with world sanctions?

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 06 February 2013
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The Spoiler in Chief

A bipartisan group of Senators came up with an outline for immigration reform legislation that considers key issues. King Obama I is upset that the plan doesn't cover LGBT people/couples!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 06 February 2013
Rating:

President Obama Still Can't Add

LONE RANGER: King Obama I wants more revenue from people earning over $450,000 to reduce the budget deficit. TONTO: He overspends by $1 trillion, but anticipates gaining another $100 billion!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 06 February 2013
Rating:

What comes around goes around

School vending machine regulations aimed at reducing childhood obesity attacked by people who got way too much sugar when they were in school and weren't paying attention in health class.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 06 February 2013
Rating:

Groundhog Day 2013

Mitt Romney emerged from his burrow in La Jolla, CA, on February 2. He saw his shadow, prompting Karl Rove to predict him as the clear front runner in a contest against President Obama.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 06 February 2013
Rating:

Slippery Slope, No Lubricant

Pres. Obama attempts to pass sensible health care legislation, prompting Church to impose will on State through litigation.

Far Right: "No abortions AND no condoms."

Next: "No sex either."

written by The San Francisco Onion, 06 February 2013
Rating:

Meanwhile, Back at the Hall of Justice

BATMAN: Pres. Obama spent his first term battling so-called "job creators."

ROBIN: Holy Tea Parties, Batman! Those liars clearly don't want anyone to know about the Eisenhower administration!

written by The San Francisco Onion, 06 February 2013
Rating:

Huhn!

Good luck with your cellmate, Big Brian.
I am sure he will gladly pick up your speeding points - just as long as you pick up the soap.

written by Blazing Saddle, 06 February 2013
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