Spoof news snippets from Friday 6 December 2013
Crocs hunt with sticks, researchers say
Alligators still use rocks. Sharks use marked cards.
Pet Kangaroo Discovered After Hopping Away From Owner
"Ro came home when we began singing 'Tie Me Kangaroo Down' and 'When Johnny Comes Hopping Home Again, A Roo, A Roo!"
6 in Mexico may be radiation poisoned
Men who stole truck didn't know it had nuclear waste. "We my sue if it makes us sick", they say. Truck had no sign. How are we to know which trucks to steal?"
True Facts From Snoops #6563
According to Snoops: In the state of Mississippi, Mississippi Mud Pie is simply called "Our Pie".
Reward Offered for $26,000 in Missing Ky. Bourbon
Police alerted to watch for singing, laughing people in car all over the road.
Alaska Renews Push to Amass Emergency Food Stocks
And don't come crying to us over nothing to eat. You have your chance now. "Project: We Will Always Have Moose" speeds up.
Judge Orders Colo. Cake-Maker to Serve Gay Couples
"I will place pussywillows on the top", says the cake baker.
Gun Control Ad Shows School Shooting About to Take Place
NRA Ads show principal, teachers with guns, stopping them!
Now the US Can Launch Drones From Underwear
I'm sorry, that should be "Now the US Can Launch Drones From Underwater!"
And the 2014 Color of the Year is Radiant Orchid!
Second place goes to: Catshit Brittle. Third place goes to: Candy Apple Sperm.
Now the US Can Launch Drones From Underwater
Now can launch hundreds of drones to support soldiers from submarine many miles away. Piss fight with China, Russia still going on!
First Banksy Street Art Auctioned in U.S. Fetches $209,000
ay start new line of Campbell's Soup or else, Homage to Horsemeat!
Activists urge Obama to go rogue, sidestep Congress
When has he been inside? Where is all this in the U.S. constitution?
OBAMACARE Bugs Snags Enrollments
"I give up", says one who has tried for a week. First: nothing, Then: A looooong wait. Now: My computer is bugged and down."
Denver Looking For Better weather
Although Denver is having bad weather right now, they say they will announce their annual "Mile High Club" gathering of couples early next year. The event will be sponsored by Viagra as usual.
Elton John to raise Russia's gay rights crackdown on stage
He may have his crack down alright, if the crowd gets stirred up. "All we need is an excuse", says military chief. Putin expected to come across as 'one of the people' or 'a macho macho man!'
Major US Winter Storm Spotted from Space
Why do we need the view from space? We got a better view looking out the window!
VP Joe Biden Harsh Words For China!
Biden says U.S. objects to China defense move. Also, "We're still good for that six trillion. The check's in the mail."
How the strange case of Obama's Uncle Omar complicates immigration reform
"That old beep is going to bring me down yet! Michelle, you try to talk to him Is my mike on again?"
Travelers left behind $531,395.22 in loose change at security checkpoints in US airports in fiscal 2012
"That's mine!" claims one man. "I knew I'd laid it down somewhere at that airport. I was trying to buy a bottle of pop! I wondered why my pants quit falling off!"
..."head 'em up, move 'em out!"
George 'Abacus' Osborne calls for return to 'Pioneer Spirit'...."rollin' rollin' rollin' though the streams are swollin' keep them poms a'graftin' Rawhide!"
True Facts From Snoops #772
According to Snoops: President Eisenhower's last words were: "My head now has less hair than my ass."
True Facts From Snoops #292
According to Snoops: The 1948 Olympics were cancelled not because of the intense heat, but the humidity.
Shades of Vietnam! Do We Ever Learn? #2
Political correctness is now in force in the military, I guess. Once again, let congress & President lead their armies!
Shades of Vietnam! Do We Ever Learn?
Spike in U.S. troop deaths tied to stupid stricter rules of engagement. "Do not fire unless they fire first!"
True Facts From Snoops #298
According to Snoops: The wrestler, "The Terrible Turk" was actually from Idaho, named Joe Lindsey. He never changed his wrestling name although there were Turkish protesters at each match!
True Facts From Snoops #908
According to Snoops: After "Keeping the big ball in the air", the number two most popular activity at old folks home is now "Twerking".
Chinese filmmaker faces $164 million lawsuit over too many children.
"Also, he must marry at least one woman and quit fooling around."
'Biden Will Go Down In History As One Of The Best Vice Presidents Ever'.
Just doing nothing is the best thing to do if you ask any President. "At least he hasn't shot anyone in the face!", says President Obama.
Houston Texans sack head coach.
Police keep them from throwing sack into the river!
Obama defends Iran deal at Hanukkah celebration
"Tells them not to be afraid someone might attack them. Well, not like the other 20 times."
President allows wind farms to kill more eagles.
PETA is gritting it's teeth and greenpeace is biting it's fingernails. Look for an explosion soon.
OBABA DID MEET WITH UNCLE HE ADMITS
2 years ago Obama said he had never met with his uncle Onyango. But it turns out he had lived with him. Today, the White House explained, "The President thought he was staying with someone else."
OFFICIALS NOW SAYS OBAMA MET WITH UNCLE
POTUS told the press 2 years ago that he had never met his uncle Onyango. But he lived with him it turns out. Today the White House explained, "The Pres. thought he was staying with someone else."
Same-Sex Weddings 17 Percent of Washington Marriages.
Also, nearly 50% of all divorces!
+203,000 Jobs in November
But 41% of net new jobs were in the government. Our motto: "We're always hiring! Somebody has to count these new workers."
More Airports Set to Install TSA 'Detention Pods'.
These pods will soon take the place of the actual flyer until he/she found to be safe.
China Won't Renew Reporter's Visas
"They lie about not being able to breathe in our urban areas do to the poisonous air," said Glorious Leader Xi Jonping. "We breathe just fine with the assistance of our masks and oxygen tanks."
No Extension of Unemployment Benefits
GOP House members don't want renewal because, in Speaker Boehner's words, "Putting it in the budget may prevent starvation for millions, but it would cause hungry children to love big government."
Football Coach Makes More Than President
For 2014, U.S.C. coach Steve Sarkesian's contract provides $5m a year for his salay, 3 times more than the College President earns. "That's o.k.," said the coach. "He's only in charge of education."
Cheney Called Mandella A "Terrorist"
"Mandela advocated love, non-violence, and reconciliation to stop apartheid. I said to keep him in prison because is ideas were in conflict with core American values. That's terrorism," Cheney said.
Netanyahu Rejects US General's Advice
"Look," said the Israeli Prime Minister, "Gen. Allen presided over the U.S. Afghan fiasco. Listening to him about our security is like hearing an inept safecracker describe the tricks of his trade"
Sheik Shortens Long Name To "Chuck"
Dubai ruler Sheik Mohammed Bin Rashid al-Maktoumen said that during sex it is better for women to exclaim "Oh Chuck!" than to use his full name. "There are fewer interruptions," he said.
It's a 100% recovery for 1% but that is still a recovery.
The last, greatest freedom has left us, and the world should all applaud this hero of those without a voice!
Worst Ice Storms in Years Unfolding.
Over 1,000 asses already bruised and broken!
True Facts From Snoops #1120
According to Snoops: Nellie Fox was the 1st baseball player to expose himself on live TV while scratching his crotch. Dizzy Dean, announcer, laughed till his partner Reece had to finish the inning.
True Facts From Snoops #9011
According to Snoops: No American woman has ever given birth exactly 9 months from Thanksgiving. Most experts agree it's because of the turkey putting people to sleep along with their full stomachs!
True Facts From Snoops #997
According to Snoops: Despite their names, most floats at the Rose Bowl Parade will not float. Sadly, this has been a tragedy more than once.
True Facts From Snoops #659
According to Snoops: In 2008, the CIA and the FBI uncovered a plot by al-Qaeda to count cards at Blackjack at Ballys Casino in Las Vegas.
Newcastle's Alan Pardew wins Premier League manager of month
Owner Mike Ashley reputedly already in talks with recently sacked Fulham Manager Martin Jol as a possible replacement at WONGA! St. James Park Stadium.
"Proven Crime Fighter" Chose To Lead NYPD
The new commisioner stated "He's the hero NYC deserves, but not the one it needs now. We'll hunt him. He can take it. He's not our hero. He's a silent guardian, a watchful protector, a Dark Knight.
Eight Seasons Is Four Too Many
The Beatles originally were going to use the name the Four Seasons, but they changed it when they learned that the name was already taken by a band in America.
J Before Y
The song "The Ballad of John and Yoko" was originally titled "The Ballad of Yoko and John" but it was changed at the last minute for alphabetical reasons.
Ouch! Let's Take 5 Mates
Paul McCartney said when the Beatles were in the recording studio recording "Twist And Shout" that John was screaming so loud that his left tonsil actually popped out.
A Fruity Name Change
John Lennon stated that the Beatles multimedia corporation Apple Records was initially registered as Pomegranate Records but it was changed because Paul McCartney kept misspelling the name.
She Ain't No Marilyn Monroe
In John Lennon's eyes, Yoko Ono looked exactly like Marilyn Monroe. But in everyone else's eyes, Yoko Ono looked exactly like...well...Yoko Ono.
But He Sounded and Smelled So Gosh Darn Real
In 1979, John Lennon revealed that the Beatles spiritual guru Maharishi Mahesh Yogi of India was actually an ex-carnival worker from Hackensack, New Jersey named Bernie F. Goldenberger.
They're Both In The Tree Family
John Lennon once told Dick Clark that the original title of the Beatles song "Norwegian Wood" was "Swedish Stick."
A Rather Smokey Stat
Most people think that John Lennon's middle name was Winston but it was actually Marlboro.
A Double Double
John Lennon originally spelled his first name with two "H's" and two "N's": Jhonhn
Hold The Butter
John Lennon said that he wrote the words to his hit song "Imagine" on a piece of toast.
Biden Has Had Enough! #2
"Listen, whoever is blocking our Omamacare network asking if the President will come over for a rectal exam personally, if we catch you, you're bound for prison, Mister!"
Biden Has Had Enough!
"Whoever that is blocking our Obamacare network asking if there is a hyphen between Obama and Care, if we catch you, you're prison bound!"
Reid Gets the Call #4
'Yello!" "We're pretty busy here. Also bad weather coming. OK. I'll try. Attention: Is Daryl B. Laffer on the Senate Floor? That's Daryl B. Laffer! "Hang on. Here comes 3 laughing their heads off!
Denmark Catches Wrong Man
Danish Police say they thought for sure they had caught the missing body parts killer when they found this guy with penis in his pocket. Turns out that it was attached to him.
Ebay, Amazon Cuts Down Bin Laden Parts
'We have found the guy who sold "Bin Laden Finger & Toes" say FBI. "Now we want to know where these come from."
Cannibal sandwiches' sicken Wisconsin residents
"I don't think they kept those bodies fresh", says one now in hospital. "If I don't get better soon, I'll have them freeze me for next year."
'Duck Dynasty' Stars Talk About Family Holiday Traditions
For one thing, we all take a bath.
Syria jihadists kidnap 50 Kurds
Kurds say they will find their whey back home one whey or another.
Dementia cases to treble worldwide by 2050: study
Of course, if you leave out Washington DC and most and North Korea, it could just double.
Hunt on in Houston for 5 Pennies Worth $1,000
To promote an upcoming coin show, five pennies have been put in circulation to see if anyone finds them. If I were there, I'd check the football stadium. They've been worth about two cents this year.
San Fran mulls ban on butterfly releases at weddings.
Also, thinking about not cutting flowers to place in anyone's hair. No farting during yoga.
Navy launches drone from submerged sub!
Up yours China!!
China State Media Taunts: Our Warships Rival USA.
Should be well past us in another three and a half Obama years!
Damaging Ice Storm to Focus on Arkansas.
Razerbacks should be very sharp this weekend.
The New Clock In Mecca
New Clock In Mecca will help the people who have to travel a long way for pilgrimage. Saudi to test it just before next Ramadan. Chimes to do "ramadama ding dong!"
True Facts From Snoops #653
According to Snoops: NASA named their Moon Buggy after the old Mennonite prank at the time of Halloween, just after their harvest!
True Facts From Snoops #786
According to Snoops; The Duckbill Platypus was first called the Flubadub by locals in the area!
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