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Weary president seeks Hawaii sun.

Tea Party people, Duck Dynasty supporters there to send him off. Then some head for Hawaii to great him!

written by Bureau, 21 December 2013
Rating:

Police Do Illegal Cavity Search

El Paso Co. NM cops were looking for illegal drugs. After a warrantless, double cavity search on a 54-year-old they found nothing. She sued, in response she got a $54,000 bill for the procedure.

written by Keith Shirey, 21 December 2013
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Van Gogh Museum In Amsterdam Updates Catalogue For Today's Visitors

'The numerous Van Gogh self-portraits in the museum,' announced the curator, 'will in future be listed as "selfies."'

written by Swan Morrison, 21 December 2013
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Year of the 'wasted-time' Congress

Matches Year of Lose of Freedom of Speech, other freedoms shut down by White House. Year of everybody spying on everybody else.

written by Bureau, 21 December 2013
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Swedish Christmas Goat Engulfed in Flames - Again

Twenty-seventh time since 1966. The Goat brings gifts to Swedish children instead of Santa.

written by Bureau, 21 December 2013
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Nuke General Fired For Carousing, Rudeness in Russia

Claims that he had changed all the codes for firing missiles and will fire a few unless given back his job.

written by Bureau, 21 December 2013
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True Facts From Snoops #649

According to Snoops: On test scores, half of the students in the United States think that Caesar Augustus is the guy that owns most of the casinos in the country.

written by Bureau, 21 December 2013
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True Facts From Snoops #227

According to Snoops: Monks at Abby allowed only one word spoken aloud usually choose "antidisestablishmentarianism!".

written by Bureau, 21 December 2013
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Air Force Removes Drunken General

In Moscow, Maj. Gen Mchael Carey stumbled through Red Square slurring his speech, insulting everyone. He visited bars with "Cigar Lady" and picked fights. His job was to control US' nuclear arsenal.

written by Keith Shirey, 21 December 2013
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Patient receives world's first artificial head

Says he wished he'd had a better body but thought he'd adjust to the hump.

written by Bureau, 21 December 2013
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True facts according to Snoops: #138

According to Snoops: Buddy Ebson was 1st choice for the Tin Man in The Wizard of Oz but died after being painted. Joe Adcock changed his name to Buddy Ebson & starred later on The Beverly Hillbillies!

written by Bureau, 21 December 2013
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Researcher's 1959 message in a bottle found in Arctic

Message gives candidate for President, John F. Kennedy the cold shoulder!

written by Bureau, 21 December 2013
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Woman who says she found Renoir at flea market disputes museums ownership

"They couldn't even name the flea market where I found it", she tells authorities.

written by Bureau, 21 December 2013
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Syria Views Saudi as Number One Enemy!

President Bashar al-Assad calls Saudi Arabia, U.S. and Israel the "Axis of Evil"!

written by Bureau, 21 December 2013
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Scientist Uses Haiku to Explain Climate Change

Just so long as they use our latest equipment, studies and high standards for Haiku!

written by Bureau, 21 December 2013
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Fury and frustration over Target data breach #2

FBI and CIA checking through all the ads on eBay that offer "A dozen new personalty cards for $100."

written by Bureau, 21 December 2013
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Fury and frustration over Target data breach

"Right now, we're checking if any of our employees once worked for WalMart", says spokesman.

written by Bureau, 21 December 2013
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Magician makes incredible balloon art

Turns ordinary balloon into The Mona Lisa! "I just don't see how he does it", comments person in crowd.

written by Bureau, 21 December 2013
Rating:

Bob Dylan Tried to tell us!

India angrily brushed aside fresh efforts by the United States Friday to defuse a row over the arrest and strip-search of one of its diplomats, warning Washington that "the times have changed".

written by Bureau, 21 December 2013
Rating:

US astronauts step out on spacewalk for station repairs

"This here thing-a-ma-bob needs to be reconnected to that do hickey over there by the big round thing." Hope I'm not boring you with all this tech-talk!"

written by Bureau, 21 December 2013
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Gay couples wed in Utah after judge overturns man!

I'm sorry. That should have been "Gay couples wed in Utah after judge overturns ban".

written by Bureau, 21 December 2013
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Archbishop of Canterbury Accepts Pope's Challenge For Anglicans vs Catholics Cricket Match At Lord's In 2014

'To ensure complete impartiality,' said spokesmen for both Churches, 'we will be asking Richard Dawkins to umpire.'

written by Swan Morrison, 21 December 2013
Rating:

Woman, Just Out Of Prison, Arrested For 397th Time.

"Got that down, World Record people? Let's make sure we keep track. Looking for girlfriend #398!"

written by Bureau, 21 December 2013
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Speaking About The Other Ducks

Thus far, the rest of the Duck Dynasty are following their leader. "A & E have gotten our feathers ruffled", one wisequacks.

written by Bureau, 21 December 2013
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Chinese Send UP Second Rocket

The Chinese have announced that they have just launched a second rocket to the moon. "We'll be sending a lot more. Too many people here."

written by Bureau, 21 December 2013
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Joe Biden Says He'd Give Prisoner's Gard Time.

Prisoner's Advocate: Half of them say they are suffering from Hard times as it is.

written by Bureau, 21 December 2013
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U.S. Prisoners To Work Alaska?

President Obama to send prisoners to Alaska in search of gold. "I would like to thank Mr. Putin for the idea. Saves us billions. Where are they going to run away & not freeze to death?"

written by Bureau, 21 December 2013
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True Facts From Snoops #441

According to Snoops: By the year 2016, All K-Marts will be redone and updated to L-Marts!

written by Bureau, 21 December 2013
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True Facts From Snoops #814

According to Snoops: Before the 1940's, women seldom used the work "kumquat" in mixed company.

written by Bureau, 21 December 2013
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True Facts From Snoops #114

According to Snoops: Abraham Lincoln was the only President who was buried wearing a top hat.

written by Bureau, 21 December 2013
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Pit Bulls Can Be Dangerous...Really, I'm Not Kidding

A Pit Bull can smell when you are afraid of them, I don't care how many hot dogs you give them. Once you're getting low, make a run for it while scattering hot dogs. Postman Rules #36

written by Bureau, 21 December 2013
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The Outerbridge Misnamed

The Outerbridge crossing from New york City to Jersey was actually named Otterbridge from the early settlers up to the time of a 1940's typo.

written by Bureau, 21 December 2013
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Nigella's Christmas Forecast

Plenty of snow.

written by j.w., 21 December 2013
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English Heritage Describes Winter Solstice At Stonehenge As A 'Success'

'The sun rose, as expected, at 08.06 AM,' said an English Heritage spokeswoman. 'I think lots of people would have been very disappointed had it not.'

written by Swan Morrison, 21 December 2013
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Obama vows 2014 'will be a breakthrough year'

"Yes", agrees Al Gore. "Everything made of ice will be broken through by the heat!"

written by Bureau, 21 December 2013
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City installs urine detectors in public elevators.

That should take some of the piss out of drunk offenders!

written by Bureau, 21 December 2013
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United Arab Emeritis: Sorcery Is Crime

Emeriti lawyer, Mohammed al Wierdo said that being under the spell of a sorceress "messes one up." As he was talking he stroked the head of the genie from the lamp on his walnut veneer desk.

written by Keith Shirey, 21 December 2013
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PASTOR DESTROYS ATHIEIST ON TV

On KROC Athiest J. Crew said "The book of Leviticus sanctions slaves being their owner's property forever" The Rev.P Fowl retorted, -Bad interpretation, God is merciful, it's just for a little while.

written by Keith Shirey, 21 December 2013
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BP Accused Of Dumping Radioactive Waste

A spokesman for the big oil company pointed to the"pure, pristine waters" of a Luisiana swamp and denied there was any radioactivity in the water; he stroked a three headed toad as he spoke.

written by Keith Shirey, 21 December 2013
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Kim Jung Um's Uncle's Corpse Brought Home

North Korea's Glorious One politically purged and had his uncle, Big Dong, executed. Upon examining the corpse, Um's wife, "Princess Necro" thanked her husband for his "state service."

written by Keith Shirey, 21 December 2013
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Fox Newsman Accidentally Endorses EPA

Obama hater Steve Doocy in a rant today was outraged at Obama's lax enforcement of environmental regulations which he often calls "fascist." Doocy apologized for his mistake to Fox Chief, Roger Ass.

written by Keith Shirey, 21 December 2013
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