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Rating:

Protestor Kisses Cop's Visor, May Get Jail Time

Nina de Chiffe a 20-year-old beautiful student environmental protestor faced off with police and kissed and licked an officer's visor. She has been charged with sexual assault, faces a trial, prison.

written by Keith Shirey, 19 December 2013
Rating:

Putin to Pardon, The Putin Raccoon Jailed Tycoon Putin Pardon

Lets start again: President Vladimir Putin is to pardon one of his best known opponents, oil tycoon Mikhail Khodorkovsky!

written by Bureau, 19 December 2013
Rating:

Pastor defrocked over doing son's gay marriage ceremony

"I'll certainly miss that old frock", stated pastor. "When young, we would slip out at night and do the "Frock-A-Dile Rock. No ever caught us."

written by Bureau, 19 December 2013
Rating:

Obama Makes Huge Move Against War On Drugs

"Lets make them all legal and that will cut down on case hearings, police time and drug trafficking."

written by Bureau, 19 December 2013
Rating:

Progress Is Being Made

Today, over 50 percent of what is in the daily papers is true. Fifty years ago, it was almost down to 30% but computer check-ups brought the average up!

written by Bureau, 19 December 2013
Rating:

Sandusky to Take Part in Penis Hearing by Video

I'm sorry, that should be "Sandusky to Take Part in Pension Hearing by Video!

written by Bureau, 19 December 2013
Rating:

True Facts From Snoops #087

According to Snoops: Only 35% of the American can bend over and touch their toes. A full 12% haven't even seeen their toes for years.

written by Bureau, 19 December 2013
Rating:

True Facts From Snoops #644

The telephone is seven times more likely to go off whist you're on the toilet.

written by Bureau, 19 December 2013
Rating:

Duck Dynasty's Phil Robertson Suspended in Wake of Anti-Gay Tirade - Was It the Right Call?

"I won't walk away from trying to do my job", he told reporters. "If I didn't care for those people, I'd walk away, but they need to hear this."

written by Bureau, 19 December 2013
Rating:

Target: 40M card accounts may be breached

Walmart: We could have been breached for over 100M card accounts if we chose to. We Protect our...Oh? Well, 100M?

written by Bureau, 19 December 2013
Rating:

Strangest Sex Laws In U.S.

In TX- one can't own more than 12 dildos; Mis:- Illegal to discuss polygamy; LA- Necrophilia is legal; AL -Marriage incest is o.k.

written by Keith Shirey, 19 December 2013
Rating:

Top Indian Diplomat Cuffed, Strip Searched

India's Dep. Council in NY is involved in a pay dispute with an employee. She was arrested, cuffed, strip and cavity searched, in jail with drunks. Just SOP for NYPD," said the arresting officer.

written by Keith Shirey, 19 December 2013
Rating:

Tx Gun Club Opening Goes Wrong

Texas, know for its love of guns and opposition to gun safety legislation hosted a Gun Club grand opening in Midland. As the doors were opening an employee shot himself in the hand.

written by Keith Shirey, 19 December 2013
Rating:

Boss Rewrites Rules For Casual Fridays

"From now on, this does not include wearing thongs to work, Ms. Lard!"

written by Bureau, 19 December 2013
Rating:

Second Best Headline in the News This Year

Lady Says Movie Was Just As stupid The Second Time As the First Time She Watched It!

written by Bureau, 19 December 2013
Rating:

Obamacare Too Late

"I wish Obamacare had come out two years ago. I wouldn't have had to cut off my legs to get money without working."

written by Bureau, 19 December 2013
Rating:

Rabbit Farmer Doing Great Business!

"I figured the meat would just get higher so I started breeding rabbits. Bought five couples and some Levitra and have now sold over 10,000 'buns in the oven' the first six months!"

written by Bureau, 19 December 2013
Rating:

First Major U.S. Shortage

With bad economy, it was bound to happen as USA first shortage is, we're out of toilet paper. However, East Tennessee folks say they have stored plenty of corncobs and Sears Catalogues.

written by Bureau, 19 December 2013
Rating:

The Movie Critic's Wife

"Since John became a leading movie critic, I quit going. He's ruined them all for me," she tells Press.

written by Bureau, 19 December 2013
Rating:

5 Most Intelligent Dog Breeds

"They left off my dog Ginger's breed. She so smart she rounded up 3 milk cows. I sold one. Next day Ginger went back after the 3rd what waz gone. She kept it up till I showed her the bill of sale!"

written by Bureau, 19 December 2013
Rating:

Arkansas Man Leaves Tree House

"He wasn't protesting anything. He just needed a place to stay. All I had was that tree house but the birds finally got to him", says neighbor.

written by Bureau, 19 December 2013
Rating:

Dems Employ Reverse-Psychology Strategy

They put forth the opposite of what they really want in hopes that knee-jerk Repubs follow their standard operating principles and go the other way.

written by The Ruling Authority, 19 December 2013
Rating:

Another problem for SeaWorld

As whale swallows Old Fart who fell in big tank. Both die.

written by Bureau, 19 December 2013
Rating:

Lazy, fake CIA agent bags $1 million

Makes CIA look even more stupid. Can't even catch one of their own.

written by Bureau, 19 December 2013
Rating:

Dennis Rodman lands in North Korea

Most hoping they will keep him this time.

written by Bureau, 19 December 2013
Rating:

Hillary Clinton on her big 2016 decision

"I think I'll run on North USA. Don't Know who win run in the South."

written by Bureau, 19 December 2013
Rating:

Report: Kate Middleton's phone hacked

Queen: "We are not amused! Did you hear that, Mr Hacker. You're dead meat!"

written by Bureau, 19 December 2013
Rating:

Mega Millions winner in 'shock'

Taken away in an ambulance with eyes big as saucers, mumbling and jerking.

written by Bureau, 19 December 2013
Rating:

Target: 40 million credit cards compromised

Yes, I think that's gotten just about everybody now by now!

written by Bureau, 19 December 2013
Rating:

The Obamacare 'Shotgun Wedding'-Marry or Lose Home #2

"That includes gays also! I don't care if the milk is free!"

written by Bureau, 19 December 2013
Rating:

The Obamacare 'Shotgun Wedding'-Marry or Lose Your Home

Obamacare having unusual outcomes in some areas of the country.

written by Bureau, 19 December 2013
Rating:

Casting the 'Gilligan's Island' Movie with Josh Gad

The actress, Betty White, will play Mary Ellen. (Well, it has been several years).

written by Bureau, 19 December 2013
Rating:

True facts according to Snoops: #349

According to Snoops: The area between the thumb and the forefinger is called the "Bang! I got you" area.

written by Bureau, 19 December 2013
Rating:

True facts according to Snoops: #100

According to Snoops: The lowest batting average to win the title was 301 by Carl Yastrzemski in the old 1090's Pre-Steroid Period!

written by Bureau, 19 December 2013
Rating:

True facts according to Snoops: #991

According to Snoops: Henri Benoit of Quebec, a pediatrician, invented the "Child proof bottle top" on his 101th try, after
spilling pills all over the kitchen floor and catching it from the wife.

written by Bureau, 19 December 2013
Rating:

True Facts From Snoops #798

According to Snoops: The cubicle did not get it's name from it's shape but from the French word for "Mimes Hideaway".

written by Bureau, 19 December 2013
Rating:

Ancient toe fossil reveals inbreeding common among Neanderthals #2

The same is true about the Dubermans in the Amazon Forest. Wait a minute. This is the same toe. They are kind of hairy and stooped.

written by Bureau, 19 December 2013
Rating:

Ancient toe fossil reveals inbreeding common among Neanderthals.

"See! Look close to the end of the toe. The old inbreeding nail."

written by Bureau, 19 December 2013
Rating:

STUDY: 1 in 200 Women Claim Virgin Pregnancies.

I guess it's possible. But stop fooling around!

written by Bureau, 19 December 2013
Rating:

Justin Bieber announces 'retirement'

About time say most. "Please retire long enough to grow up!"

written by Bureau, 19 December 2013
Rating:

Harry Reid plans to remain Senate leader until 2021.

If the country still exists by then.

written by Bureau, 19 December 2013
Rating:

Duck Dynasty Cancelled?

Duck head blasts gays. Number one show has no freedom of speech..but, apparently, he's not the only one.

written by Bureau, 19 December 2013
Rating:

Obama spends $11m attending Mandela funeral.

That would have helped a lot of poor families in South Africa!

written by Bureau, 19 December 2013
Rating:

I Spy

I spy with my eye something beginning with W.
Wrong - no you got it right! National Spying Agency got it wrong big time.

written by j.w., 19 December 2013
Rating:

Spurs Can't Prick Bubbles

The merry men of Forest's Spurs were blunt - again - failing to burst the Iron Side's Bubbles.

written by j.w., 19 December 2013
Rating:

Higgs Boson renamed Ronnie Biggs Boson

A nuclear particle which never worked and was a pointless waste of space has been unaccountable renamed The Ronnie Biggs Boson.

written by Auntie Jean, 19 December 2013
Rating:

The Spoof has the holidays a little out of whack -

We're celebrating New Year's on Dec. 25th and Christmas on Jan. 1. We're in a hurry to party and by the first of the year, we'll all be sober enough to get sort of serious.

written by Samuel Vargo, 19 December 2013
Rating:

Everybody happy, happy, happy

That the Duck Dynasty guys finally made a very serious faux pas. Stick with the silliness, guys, and stay away from social issues.

written by Samuel Vargo, 19 December 2013
Rating:

Miley Cyrus's Christmas card has all concerned -

Keep those hearts on those nipples, Miley, we're not all too drunk to really appreciate them.

written by Samuel Vargo, 19 December 2013
Rating:

Now that the leader of The Free World is gone -

When is A & E bringing Phil Robinson back? Quack quack.

written by Samuel Vargo, 19 December 2013
Rating:

Duck Dynasty Father Phil Robertson To Perform Public Oral Sex To Prove He's Not Anti-Gay

Duck Dynasty's Phil Robertson, recently suspended from the show for making anti-gay remarks, has said that he will perform oral sex on a male to prove he is not anti-gay. There were no volunteers.

written by Al N., 19 December 2013
Rating:

Penguins to Sue Megyn Kelly For Insinuating They Couldn't Be Santa Claus

In breaking news, 18,000 penguins put together a class action suit in order to sue Megyn Kelly for insinuating they couldn't be Santa Claus. "We just don't like her," said the head penguin.

written by Al N., 19 December 2013
Rating:

Obama and Miley Cyrus Continue Twitter Flame War

In their continuing Twitter flame war, Obama stated, "Any parent that would let their children talk that way should be shot." When asked to comment, Billy Ray Cyrus could not be found.

written by Al N., 19 December 2013
Rating:

North Korea to Bomb Mygan Kelly's House

North Korean despot Kim Jong Un announced today that they would target Mygan Kelly's house with explosives for saying Santa Claus is white. "Everyone knows Santa is Korean," spoke the insane leader.

written by Al N., 19 December 2013
Rating:

Ohio Passes Marijuana Bill, Loses the Paperwork

A source who prefers to remain anonymous admitted that Ohio actually passed a bill legalizing marijuana a few years ago but they lost the paperwork after a late night session in a "smoke-filled room."

written by Al N., 19 December 2013
Rating:

Barbara Walters: We Thought Obama Was 'the Next Messiah'

Instead we got the next would-be Tiger Woods!

written by Bureau, 19 December 2013
Rating:

'Duck Dynasty' Anti-Gay Comment Sparks Controversy

I bet he never met Gladstone Gander!

written by Bureau, 19 December 2013
Rating:

Fox Announces Black People Not Allowed to Watch

In breaking news, Fox News Network today banned all blacks from watching the network. "We just know someone like Megyn Kelly will say something that will upset them again."

written by Al N., 19 December 2013
Rating:

Poll Says Most Americans Not Worried About NSA

52% of Americans polled this month said they did not have anything personally to fear if their internet activity, e-mails, phone calls were monitored. They also said they believed in the tooth fairy.

written by Keith Shirey, 19 December 2013
Rating:

Stocks Hit New Highs

As herd of loose cattle get into marijuana crop in Colorado!

written by Bureau, 19 December 2013
Rating:

New Bird Flu Strain Detected in China.

Admit they may have unintentially infected the Moon with Jade Rabbit.

written by Bureau, 19 December 2013
Rating:

FDA:ADHD Medicine Causing Painful, Sustained Erections...

Vitamin Company: We have the perfect vitamin for that, not poisoned medications.

written by Bureau, 19 December 2013
Rating:

Pot Use Rising Among High Schoolers.

"We want to be really High schoolers!!"

written by Bureau, 19 December 2013
Rating:

Cop On Leave After Ranting About Obama On FACEBOOK.

"It'll be hard to put 100,000,000 of us in jail", he is quoted as saying.

written by Bureau, 19 December 2013
Rating:

UPDATE: Doctors slam vitamin-industrial complex's 'bogus' health claims

Vitamin supporters say the drug companies pay doctors to push side-effect drug pills and they don't. "So how much were those doctors paid", one asks.

written by Bureau, 19 December 2013
Rating:

The Perfect Solution To Climate Change

"They should have thrown Noah off the ark" said a member of "The Monkey Wrench Gang," a musical group who sings about social issues.

written by Keith Shirey, 19 December 2013
Rating:

True facts according to Snoops: #1009

According to Snoops: In 1912, Casimir Funk discovered the first vitamin. It was stuck in a crack in the floor of bathroom.

written by Bureau, 19 December 2013
Rating:

Pat Nixon Loved Tricky Dick Husband

The former first lady once told a friend that opponents calling her husband "Tricky Dick" actually a compliment!

written by Bureau, 19 December 2013
Rating:

Yep. They are ready to make a deal!

Joe Biden calls GOP Tea Party actually spies for King George!

written by Bureau, 19 December 2013
Rating:

New Obama Adviser Compares Republicans To A 'Cult Worthy Of Jonestown' #2

GOP responds with "We're gonna cast out Washington 'Dem-ons!"

written by Bureau, 19 December 2013
Rating:

Pope Francis Says Women Equal To Men

"It's just that they can't be priests, bishops, cardinals or popes. But they can get close to male clergy when they shine their shoes."

written by Keith Shirey, 19 December 2013
Rating:

President A Communist?

After New Advisor to Obama calls GOP Jonestown, GOP calls President, Joe Stalin.

written by Bureau, 19 December 2013
Rating:

New Obama Adviser Compares Republicans To A 'Cult Worthy Of Jonestown' - And Then Apologizes

"What I meant was that group down in Waco!"

written by Bureau, 19 December 2013
Rating:

TX Court Rules Search Warrants May be Based on 'Predictions of Future Crime'

So don't be giving anybody any mean looks in the future.

written by Bureau, 19 December 2013
Rating:

NSA FBI Chiefs Say Don't Fear Spying

FBI Director James B Comey and NSA Chief Gen. Keith Alexander, at a joint news conference said "We're not afraid if we're monitored, why should others be? we're just ordinary citizens like everyone."

written by Keith Shirey, 19 December 2013
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