Spoof news snippets from Thursday 19 December 2013
Protestor Kisses Cop's Visor, May Get Jail Time
Nina de Chiffe a 20-year-old beautiful student environmental protestor faced off with police and kissed and licked an officer's visor. She has been charged with sexual assault, faces a trial, prison.
Putin to Pardon, The Putin Raccoon Jailed Tycoon Putin Pardon
Lets start again: President Vladimir Putin is to pardon one of his best known opponents, oil tycoon Mikhail Khodorkovsky!
Pastor defrocked over doing son's gay marriage ceremony
"I'll certainly miss that old frock", stated pastor. "When young, we would slip out at night and do the "Frock-A-Dile Rock. No ever caught us."
Obama Makes Huge Move Against War On Drugs
"Lets make them all legal and that will cut down on case hearings, police time and drug trafficking."
Progress Is Being Made
Today, over 50 percent of what is in the daily papers is true. Fifty years ago, it was almost down to 30% but computer check-ups brought the average up!
Sandusky to Take Part in Penis Hearing by Video
I'm sorry, that should be "Sandusky to Take Part in Pension Hearing by Video!
True Facts From Snoops #087
According to Snoops: Only 35% of the American can bend over and touch their toes. A full 12% haven't even seeen their toes for years.
True Facts From Snoops #644
The telephone is seven times more likely to go off whist you're on the toilet.
Duck Dynasty's Phil Robertson Suspended in Wake of Anti-Gay Tirade - Was It the Right Call?
"I won't walk away from trying to do my job", he told reporters. "If I didn't care for those people, I'd walk away, but they need to hear this."
Target: 40M card accounts may be breached
Walmart: We could have been breached for over 100M card accounts if we chose to. We Protect our...Oh? Well, 100M?
Strangest Sex Laws In U.S.
In TX- one can't own more than 12 dildos; Mis:- Illegal to discuss polygamy; LA- Necrophilia is legal; AL -Marriage incest is o.k.
Top Indian Diplomat Cuffed, Strip Searched
India's Dep. Council in NY is involved in a pay dispute with an employee. She was arrested, cuffed, strip and cavity searched, in jail with drunks. Just SOP for NYPD," said the arresting officer.
Tx Gun Club Opening Goes Wrong
Texas, know for its love of guns and opposition to gun safety legislation hosted a Gun Club grand opening in Midland. As the doors were opening an employee shot himself in the hand.
Boss Rewrites Rules For Casual Fridays
"From now on, this does not include wearing thongs to work, Ms. Lard!"
Second Best Headline in the News This Year
Lady Says Movie Was Just As stupid The Second Time As the First Time She Watched It!
Obamacare Too Late
"I wish Obamacare had come out two years ago. I wouldn't have had to cut off my legs to get money without working."
Rabbit Farmer Doing Great Business!
"I figured the meat would just get higher so I started breeding rabbits. Bought five couples and some Levitra and have now sold over 10,000 'buns in the oven' the first six months!"
First Major U.S. Shortage
With bad economy, it was bound to happen as USA first shortage is, we're out of toilet paper. However, East Tennessee folks say they have stored plenty of corncobs and Sears Catalogues.
The Movie Critic's Wife
"Since John became a leading movie critic, I quit going. He's ruined them all for me," she tells Press.
5 Most Intelligent Dog Breeds
"They left off my dog Ginger's breed. She so smart she rounded up 3 milk cows. I sold one. Next day Ginger went back after the 3rd what waz gone. She kept it up till I showed her the bill of sale!"
Arkansas Man Leaves Tree House
"He wasn't protesting anything. He just needed a place to stay. All I had was that tree house but the birds finally got to him", says neighbor.
Dems Employ Reverse-Psychology Strategy
They put forth the opposite of what they really want in hopes that knee-jerk Repubs follow their standard operating principles and go the other way.
Another problem for SeaWorld
As whale swallows Old Fart who fell in big tank. Both die.
Lazy, fake CIA agent bags $1 million
Makes CIA look even more stupid. Can't even catch one of their own.
Dennis Rodman lands in North Korea
Most hoping they will keep him this time.
Hillary Clinton on her big 2016 decision
"I think I'll run on North USA. Don't Know who win run in the South."
Report: Kate Middleton's phone hacked
Queen: "We are not amused! Did you hear that, Mr Hacker. You're dead meat!"
Mega Millions winner in 'shock'
Taken away in an ambulance with eyes big as saucers, mumbling and jerking.
Target: 40 million credit cards compromised
Yes, I think that's gotten just about everybody now by now!
The Obamacare 'Shotgun Wedding'-Marry or Lose Home #2
"That includes gays also! I don't care if the milk is free!"
The Obamacare 'Shotgun Wedding'-Marry or Lose Your Home
Obamacare having unusual outcomes in some areas of the country.
Casting the 'Gilligan's Island' Movie with Josh Gad
The actress, Betty White, will play Mary Ellen. (Well, it has been several years).
True facts according to Snoops: #349
According to Snoops: The area between the thumb and the forefinger is called the "Bang! I got you" area.
True facts according to Snoops: #100
According to Snoops: The lowest batting average to win the title was 301 by Carl Yastrzemski in the old 1090's Pre-Steroid Period!
True facts according to Snoops: #991
According to Snoops: Henri Benoit of Quebec, a pediatrician, invented the "Child proof bottle top" on his 101th try, after
spilling pills all over the kitchen floor and catching it from the wife.
True Facts From Snoops #798
According to Snoops: The cubicle did not get it's name from it's shape but from the French word for "Mimes Hideaway".
Ancient toe fossil reveals inbreeding common among Neanderthals #2
The same is true about the Dubermans in the Amazon Forest. Wait a minute. This is the same toe. They are kind of hairy and stooped.
Ancient toe fossil reveals inbreeding common among Neanderthals.
"See! Look close to the end of the toe. The old inbreeding nail."
STUDY: 1 in 200 Women Claim Virgin Pregnancies.
I guess it's possible. But stop fooling around!
Justin Bieber announces 'retirement'
About time say most. "Please retire long enough to grow up!"
Harry Reid plans to remain Senate leader until 2021.
If the country still exists by then.
Duck Dynasty Cancelled?
Duck head blasts gays. Number one show has no freedom of speech..but, apparently, he's not the only one.
Obama spends $11m attending Mandela funeral.
That would have helped a lot of poor families in South Africa!
I spy with my eye something beginning with W.
Wrong - no you got it right! National Spying Agency got it wrong big time.
Spurs Can't Prick Bubbles
The merry men of Forest's Spurs were blunt - again - failing to burst the Iron Side's Bubbles.
Higgs Boson renamed Ronnie Biggs Boson
A nuclear particle which never worked and was a pointless waste of space has been unaccountable renamed The Ronnie Biggs Boson.
The Spoof has the holidays a little out of whack -
We're celebrating New Year's on Dec. 25th and Christmas on Jan. 1. We're in a hurry to party and by the first of the year, we'll all be sober enough to get sort of serious.
Everybody happy, happy, happy
That the Duck Dynasty guys finally made a very serious faux pas. Stick with the silliness, guys, and stay away from social issues.
Miley Cyrus's Christmas card has all concerned -
Keep those hearts on those nipples, Miley, we're not all too drunk to really appreciate them.
Now that the leader of The Free World is gone -
When is A & E bringing Phil Robinson back? Quack quack.
Duck Dynasty Father Phil Robertson To Perform Public Oral Sex To Prove He's Not Anti-Gay
Duck Dynasty's Phil Robertson, recently suspended from the show for making anti-gay remarks, has said that he will perform oral sex on a male to prove he is not anti-gay. There were no volunteers.
Penguins to Sue Megyn Kelly For Insinuating They Couldn't Be Santa Claus
In breaking news, 18,000 penguins put together a class action suit in order to sue Megyn Kelly for insinuating they couldn't be Santa Claus. "We just don't like her," said the head penguin.
Obama and Miley Cyrus Continue Twitter Flame War
In their continuing Twitter flame war, Obama stated, "Any parent that would let their children talk that way should be shot." When asked to comment, Billy Ray Cyrus could not be found.
North Korea to Bomb Mygan Kelly's House
North Korean despot Kim Jong Un announced today that they would target Mygan Kelly's house with explosives for saying Santa Claus is white. "Everyone knows Santa is Korean," spoke the insane leader.
Ohio Passes Marijuana Bill, Loses the Paperwork
A source who prefers to remain anonymous admitted that Ohio actually passed a bill legalizing marijuana a few years ago but they lost the paperwork after a late night session in a "smoke-filled room."
Barbara Walters: We Thought Obama Was 'the Next Messiah'
Instead we got the next would-be Tiger Woods!
'Duck Dynasty' Anti-Gay Comment Sparks Controversy
I bet he never met Gladstone Gander!
Fox Announces Black People Not Allowed to Watch
In breaking news, Fox News Network today banned all blacks from watching the network. "We just know someone like Megyn Kelly will say something that will upset them again."
Poll Says Most Americans Not Worried About NSA
52% of Americans polled this month said they did not have anything personally to fear if their internet activity, e-mails, phone calls were monitored. They also said they believed in the tooth fairy.
Stocks Hit New Highs
As herd of loose cattle get into marijuana crop in Colorado!
New Bird Flu Strain Detected in China.
Admit they may have unintentially infected the Moon with Jade Rabbit.
FDA:ADHD Medicine Causing Painful, Sustained Erections...
Vitamin Company: We have the perfect vitamin for that, not poisoned medications.
Pot Use Rising Among High Schoolers.
"We want to be really High schoolers!!"
Cop On Leave After Ranting About Obama On FACEBOOK.
"It'll be hard to put 100,000,000 of us in jail", he is quoted as saying.
UPDATE: Doctors slam vitamin-industrial complex's 'bogus' health claims
Vitamin supporters say the drug companies pay doctors to push side-effect drug pills and they don't. "So how much were those doctors paid", one asks.
The Perfect Solution To Climate Change
"They should have thrown Noah off the ark" said a member of "The Monkey Wrench Gang," a musical group who sings about social issues.
True facts according to Snoops: #1009
According to Snoops: In 1912, Casimir Funk discovered the first vitamin. It was stuck in a crack in the floor of bathroom.
Pat Nixon Loved Tricky Dick Husband
The former first lady once told a friend that opponents calling her husband "Tricky Dick" actually a compliment!
Yep. They are ready to make a deal!
Joe Biden calls GOP Tea Party actually spies for King George!
New Obama Adviser Compares Republicans To A 'Cult Worthy Of Jonestown' #2
GOP responds with "We're gonna cast out Washington 'Dem-ons!"
Pope Francis Says Women Equal To Men
"It's just that they can't be priests, bishops, cardinals or popes. But they can get close to male clergy when they shine their shoes."
President A Communist?
After New Advisor to Obama calls GOP Jonestown, GOP calls President, Joe Stalin.
New Obama Adviser Compares Republicans To A 'Cult Worthy Of Jonestown' - And Then Apologizes
"What I meant was that group down in Waco!"
TX Court Rules Search Warrants May be Based on 'Predictions of Future Crime'
So don't be giving anybody any mean looks in the future.
NSA FBI Chiefs Say Don't Fear Spying
FBI Director James B Comey and NSA Chief Gen. Keith Alexander, at a joint news conference said "We're not afraid if we're monitored, why should others be? we're just ordinary citizens like everyone."
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