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Rating:

Doctors: Multivitamins Have NO Health Benefits

"And I'm not just saying that so I can charge high prices and get kick backs from the drug companies...although the thought did cross my mind."

written by Bureau, 16 December 2013
Rating:

True facts according to Snoops: #899

According to Snoops: The expression "A Pretty Penny" comes from an early worker at a mint, who put Lady Godiva on a million of them.

written by Bureau, 16 December 2013
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Former Ambassador to Brazil, Ronnie Biggs wants Mandela style funeral when he "goes"

Ex Brazil Ambassador, Ronnie Biggs was quoted as saying "Ive been in prison like Mandela and I'm popular" by an ex cell mate of the Ambassador, who said, "He will probably want a State Funeral"

written by Auntie Jean, 16 December 2013
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Jade Rabbit Attacked

In what may become the biggest story of the year, China's Jade Rabbit on the moon was attacked by N. Korea's Wile E. Coyote.

written by Bureau, 16 December 2013
Rating:

'Pippi Longstocking' Star Tami Erin Arrested For DUI, Felony Hit-And-Run

Stealing long stockings.

written by Bureau, 16 December 2013
Rating:

Federal judge rules against NSA spying

NSA say they won't do it anymore and that they had been bad bad boys! Somehow that didn't sit well with the judge.

written by Bureau, 16 December 2013
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True facts according to Snoops: #343

According to Snoops: Most children from New Jersey use two carrots on their snowmen.

written by Bureau, 16 December 2013
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An average male human only uses 10% of their brains.

If I study hard and pay attention to what other are saying, I'm hoping for 11%.

written by Bureau, 16 December 2013
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Fake Signing Guy Has New Excuse #2

"It was because I was possessed by that alien, WT! Had me like a puppet on a string....Not WT, but ET, the Extra Testicle!"

written by Bureau, 16 December 2013
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Fake Signing Guy Has New Excuse

I have the Tourettes . It's when you shake and you cannot concentrate. No. It's Ball Players disease. That one from the Yankees!

written by Bureau, 16 December 2013
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They could rule till they died!

According to new poll, over 200,000 Americans are signed up for a one-way trip to Mars to colonize Mars. Unfortunately, none of them are Politicians!

written by Bureau, 16 December 2013
Rating:

Another Hobbit Movie.

It's getting to be a bad Hobbit. New one released every six months. The last one was so long, there was a long line at the men's room from men needing to shave, wash their face and change diapers.

written by Bureau, 16 December 2013
Rating:

Hobbit Films Galore!

Many are going to see the big "Hobbit" films? They have done a sequel, and they have done a prequel. I believe this one may be a fecal!

written by Bureau, 16 December 2013
Rating:

True facts according to Snoops: #229

According to Snoops: Edgar Allen Poe is often confused in High School with the Edgar Winter Group who played "Frankenstein".

written by Bureau, 16 December 2013
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The Bilingual Race Horse

The famous racehorse Sea Biscuit was originally going to be named Sea Tortilla.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 16 December 2013
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Pakistan - The Picky Country

Plums are illegal in Pakistan.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 16 December 2013
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The American Smirking King

Kanye West confided to Barbara Walters that the reason he never smiles is because it actually hurts.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 16 December 2013
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Bill O'Reilly Puts His Foot Down

Bill O'Reilly says he stands 6-feet-4-inches tall, but he fails to say that he wears 5-inch sole inserts in each shoe.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 16 December 2013
Rating:

Joan Rivers Warns Julia Roberts

Joan Rivers has said that if Julia Roberts doesn't stop insulting Jennifer Lawrence she will bite Roberts on her oversized lips.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 16 December 2013
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The D.A.R. Organization

The Daughters of the American Revolution are getting pretty old and have decided to make their new meeting place at a near-by cemetery.

written by Bureau, 16 December 2013
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Here's a tip!

If your grandfather passes away and leaves you nothing in his will, sell his body to the medical school or body farm.

written by Bureau, 16 December 2013
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Confused Masons Trip To Utah

Confused Masons are told that they are not permitted to go into sanctuary of Mormon Headquarters in Utah.

written by Bureau, 16 December 2013
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Chinese Rover Sending Back Pics #2

China's Moon Rover spots creature that looks like that thing on Donald Trumps head.

written by Bureau, 16 December 2013
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Chinese Rover Sending Back Pics

The Chinese Moon Rover send back photographs of Viking flag and discarded head gear.

written by Bureau, 16 December 2013
Rating:

Santas brawl in New York City

"No one told us they were drunks. I shouldn't have paid them until AFTER Christmas!", says Mall Manager.

written by Bureau, 16 December 2013
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PM's £45m Pig Semen Deal With China Reveals Skills Deficit

Education Secretary Michael "Screwball" Gove to set up national pig masturbation school.

written by Paxton Quigley, 16 December 2013
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Fears of new recession in France

Many running ads for purchasing horses that are lame or unwanted.

written by Bureau, 16 December 2013
Rating:

Harvard evacuates 4 buildings after report of explosive diarrhea!

Sorry, that should read, "Harvard students leave buildings after report of explosive!"

written by Bureau, 16 December 2013
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No sex before games? Brazilian players test club controls

"Some were getting wobbly at the knees" says coach...as he wobbled off.

written by Bureau, 16 December 2013
Rating:

Maryland's health care exchange site asking weird, personal questions

"Were you a virgin when you married? And why? Ever attend a coven of witches?"

written by Bureau, 16 December 2013
Rating:

A Reno man has been placed on probation and fined $1,000 for shooting a golfer whose errant ball broke a bedroom window

Also, gets settlement for "lost love & affection" from bedroom activity at the time.

written by Bureau, 16 December 2013
Rating:

Hundreds of suited-up Santas hit NYC streets, bars

Stagger all over the street. "Mama, there lasy Santa on the sidewalk!" "He's resting up for Christmas, Baby."

written by Bureau, 16 December 2013
Rating:

6-year-old labeled 'sexual harasser'

"Little rascal runs up and grabs your gooner", says old guy in the mall. "I think he's got another one. Just heard a scream!"

written by Bureau, 16 December 2013
Rating:

Sitting with Santa... for over 30 years!

Two men have been sitting in Santa's lap for over 30 years. "No. They're not too heavy", says Mall Santa. "I usually just pick their pockets and get our photo taken."

written by Bureau, 16 December 2013
Rating:

Tamerlan Tsarnaev heard voices in his head: report

Tooth filling somehow picked up broadcast of old Adolf Hitler speeches!

written by Bureau, 16 December 2013
Rating:

True Facts From Snoops #177

According to Snoops: Fishermen spend only 95% of their time fishing. The other 95% they are just relaxing, watching their lines and half asleep.

written by Bureau, 16 December 2013
Rating:

True Facts From Snoops #555

According to Snoops: The Dickwoods of Indiana always dress with one pants leg higher than the other. That's because of grandmother always following handed down expression, "Measure once, cut twice".

written by Bureau, 16 December 2013
Rating:

AVB Thanks Fans After Sacking

"I will be forever grateful for the support I have received during my difficult time with Tottenham Hotspur and in particular I would like to thank the Arsenal fans who have always been there for me."

written by Paxton Quigley, 16 December 2013
Rating:

Nigeria marks 100 years of amalgamation

Despite all the cries of "The Southern Nigeria Gonna Rise Again!"

written by Bureau, 16 December 2013
Rating:

France makes 21 arrests in new horsemeat scandal

"I'm not against eating horse meat", says man on the street. "But you should see all the injections they get before they get old enough to put down!"

written by Bureau, 16 December 2013
Rating:

Trailer park living invades NYC

First high rise trailer park already filled, a dozen more on the way.

written by Bureau, 16 December 2013
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Cops Use Taser, Pepper Spray, Baton, Gun To Take Down Cab Driver Suffering 'Mental Episode'.

Nurse Cratchit finally called in to settle things down.

written by Bureau, 16 December 2013
Rating:

GOOGLE Robots for military use!

U.S. could have complete robot army in the near future.

written by Bureau, 16 December 2013
Rating:

Detroit Revealed to Have Gone Bankrupt Due to Sending All Their Money to Nigerian E-Mail Scam

Stating that they were supposed to receive back $232 billion from a Nigerian prince who couldn't get it into the United States, bankrupt Detroit admitted that they lost $24 billion to an e-mail scam.

written by Al N., 16 December 2013
Rating:

"We made a mistake! There's a ghost in the machine! That's a picture of the Empire State Building!"

That's what Chinese astronomers shrieked after China's Jack Rabbit Rover landed in NYC rather than the moon and sent back pictures.

written by Samuel Vargo, 16 December 2013
Rating:

China's Leading Politicians Upset Over Rampant Grafitti on Buildings -

They want the old, gray, ugly, morose China back and having these creative kids spray painting walls with bright colors and designs would have Chairman Mao rolling around in his grave!

written by Samuel Vargo, 16 December 2013
Rating:

"Cronyism" at "dysfunctional" BBC led to executives getting larger pay-offs than they deserved -

This is what MPs have said. Of course there's absolutely no "cronyism" or "payoffs" in the government, MPs insist.

written by Samuel Vargo, 16 December 2013
Rating:

Hospitals in England must ensure 'senior doctors' are available seven days a week

Sir Bruce Keogh says off the record, "When we can get nine, 10 or 11 days crammed into one week, they'll be available, too. We're monkeying around with the weekly calendar. Stay tuned to the BBC."

written by Samuel Vargo, 16 December 2013
Rating:

Anonymous Chinese Businessman Insensed about an American Tycoon calling China "a Third World Country" -

"That guy is very poor," the Chinese Businessman snipped. "He has two yachts made in Beijing. I have three American Yacht companies in Florida and two others in California."

written by Samuel Vargo, 16 December 2013
Rating:

John Goodman has hosted SNL every year from 1989 to 2001 -

Returning to SNL last weekend after a long hiatus, and playing a giant snowflake, he admits: "I've finally arrived. If only the Coen brothers could see me now."

written by Samuel Vargo, 16 December 2013
Rating:

FOX News' Megyn Kelly says yes, Santa Claus and Jesus Christ were white men -

And she has been reported saying off the record that "So were Martin Luther King, Crazy Horse, the Dalai Lama, and Mahatma Gandhi."

written by Samuel Vargo, 16 December 2013
Rating:

Alabama Crimson Tide Coach Nick Saban blows off loss to Auburn -

"We lost on purpose," he said of the crazy 100-yard touchdown run after Alabama missed a field goal to lose the game. "We're playing in the NFL next year and didn't want to look too good right now."

written by Samuel Vargo, 16 December 2013
Rating:

Dr. Oz Back on the Air #11

"The 411 on poop! What should it look like? How it works? What color should it be? Why does it smell? Everything you need to know about your bowels! We will review over 30 poops! See our next show!"

written by Bureau, 16 December 2013
Rating:

Dr. Oz Back on the Air #10

"Seven Day Colon Flush"- Fastest Acting Colon Cleanser! "But remember, you have to stay in the bathroom for a week. Be prepared."

written by Bureau, 16 December 2013
Rating:

Dr. Oz Back on the Air #9

"If a turd hurts and looks odd, see if there isn't a Cracker Jack toy underneath. That happens more often than you would think. A client once found a cat toy."

written by Bureau, 16 December 2013
Rating:

Thousands of ObamaCare purchases not recorded

Can't tell which ones because, of course, they're not recorded. Tens of thousands say it was them and they want money back.

written by Bureau, 16 December 2013
Rating:

Walmart employee reportedly shoots co-worker's car in dispute over Employee of the Month award

"It's the next thing to a Nobel Peace Prize according to Mr. Abernathy our manager and I won it fair and square", says car owner.

written by Bureau, 16 December 2013
Rating:

Colorado Pot Businesses: We're Going to Run Out of Weed

"Then you need our Pot Tree. You can grow a pot try right there in your greenhouse or potted in the back room. Just like our famous tomato tree. Only $25."

written by Bureau, 16 December 2013
Rating:

Walmart Workers Praise Company

One low-paid Walmart worker at the outlet at Broken Urinal, Ga. , who are "dumpster divers" there said that "Me and my friends looks through the discards and they'll be fine, thanks to the Waltons."

written by Keith Shirey, 16 December 2013
Rating:

US Senators show support for anti-government protests in Ukraine

Sticking our noses into still another situation where there are no good guys? Learn to rule here before looking elsewhere!

written by Bureau, 16 December 2013
Rating:

College Pres Gets Cut To Hire New Coach

USC head Steve Simple said today he was glad to get salary decrease in order to lure Bear Bryant to coach the Trojans. "Giving Bear 100 Million a year is well worth it. I just oversee education."

written by Keith Shirey, 16 December 2013
Rating:

McDonalds Tell Workers To Eat Less

In a bulletin McDonalds has told its employees to not eat Big Macs, eat healthy foods, and to eat less. Many of our employees are overweight it says. "Fat employees are not good workers," it ends.

written by Keith Shirey, 16 December 2013
Rating:

NSA Spies on Itself

The latest revelation from Edward Snowden is that Director Alexander and Asst. Director Clapper believe that the other one leaks to the media. "They tap the phones and read each other's e-mails."

written by Keith Shirey, 16 December 2013
Rating:

McDonalds Gives Sex Advice To Workers

McDonald's, who has given advice to its low-wage poverty workers on how to budget, tip Au Pairs and pool cleaners, has added good sex advise to to the list. "Happy In Bed, Happy At Work" it says.

written by Keith Shirey, 16 December 2013
Rating:

Boeing Changes Mind

Seattle based Boeing Aircraft won't move to Bangladesh after all, after a labor dispute. It's going to a "Right-To-Work" state in the U.S. where a spokesman said, "We can better exploit workers."

written by Keith Shirey, 16 December 2013
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