Order by:
Rating:

D.C. teachers offer wide range of views on city policies

"I wish they wouldn't drink while they're making these decisions", says Mayor. "I mean, one suggested we get the AFLAC Duck to represent them."

written by Bureau, 14 December 2013
Rating:

French 'pessimism' over Syria talks

French Use The Mime Option: "I think we should just back up and quiet down until they decide to get along better.

written by Bureau, 14 December 2013
Rating:

Those Cadbury Bunnies

First Hand report: Cadbury Candy Eggs are hard, almost tasteless and smell like rabbit crap!

written by Bureau, 14 December 2013
Rating:

True Facts From Snoops #773

According to Snoops: Kevin Bacon's actual name is Kevin Leon Porker.

written by Bureau, 14 December 2013
Rating:

True Facts From Snoops #307

According to Snoops: Hundreds of Japanese have "Tooth Glow" from their Nuclear Accident. Although they could die sooner, they have the advantage today of always having a light in the dark.

written by Bureau, 14 December 2013
Rating:

Police Inquiry Continues:

Answer man died under questionable circumstances.

written by Adam Click, 14 December 2013
Rating:

Those Early Days Were Rough

The first computer took up an entire floor of a tall rise and held only 1,000 bits of information.

written by Bureau, 14 December 2013
Rating:

The Queen of England doesn't actually live in England.

She lives most of the time in Canada. Her daily appearance in England is a hologram with a recording.

written by Bureau, 14 December 2013
Rating:

Judd Hankins The First

Judd Hankins of Fenton, Utah, an easily led 21-year-old at the time, was the first to get totally wasted on non-alcoholic beer in 2002.

written by Bureau, 14 December 2013
Rating:

Kim Jong Un Announces He Will Quit Dictatorship to Become High School Basketball Coach

Kim Jong Un said today that he will be quitting his job as head of North Korea as soon as he earns his certificate to become a high school basketball coach. "I have to follow my heart" Kim said.

written by Al N., 14 December 2013
Rating:

Lost Lawn chair Pilot May Have Been Spotted.

People on beach in Hawaii say floating lawn chair with skeleton in it hovered over beach and swept away again by winds.

written by Bureau, 14 December 2013
Rating:

Lawnchair Detective Has Rough Encounter

"The Lawnchair Detective having trouble concentrating on nation's borders with kids and their slingshots popping balloons."

written by Bureau, 14 December 2013
Rating:

Bomb-Throwing Colo. Shooter Sought Revenge Against Teacher

"We need stricter gun laws", says Nancy Pelosi or a recording that she has began playing daily. Them it's "That goes for homemade bombs too!"

written by Bureau, 14 December 2013
Rating:

Confusion, Security Risks at Nelson Mandela Event

"At one point, some were trying to bury the interpreter", says one guard.

written by Bureau, 14 December 2013
Rating:

Kim Jong Un Invites Dennis Rodman to Come to North Korea and Execute His First Cousin

Diminutive but husky North Korean leader Kim Jong Un, or "Young Un" as he is affectionately known in Korea, invited his BFF Dennis Rodman to come visit and to help him execute various family members.

written by Al N., 14 December 2013
Rating:

Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom: 5 Signs Divorce Was Coming

Kardashian filed Friday for divorce after four years of sex.

written by Bureau, 14 December 2013
Rating:

More al-Qaeda agents found in Kentucky

Home Security: "It's very hard to tell who anyone is with all those beards and overalls!...Also a lot of Amish there."

written by Bureau, 14 December 2013
Rating:

Iran Sends Second Monkey Into Space

Cell phone shot shows monkey test pilot looking a lot like Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

written by Bureau, 14 December 2013
Rating:

Boy, 4, stuns psychologists with IQ of 160

"I don't want to answer your questions", boy is quoted as saying. "You're a bad, bad man and I'm wishing you away!" (Tribute to Rod Serling, Twilight Zone).

written by Bureau, 14 December 2013
Rating:

On This Day in 1988

Baseballs the size of hailstones hit the town of Kanter, Kansas on this day in 1988 as a plane was having to lighten its load while carrying the balls to Arizona before Spring Training.

written by Bureau, 14 December 2013
Rating:

Wearable Device Alerts User to Surveillance Cameras.

"We get mooned about twenty times a day", says observer!

written by Bureau, 14 December 2013
Rating:

'Homeland': Tunnels Along US-Mex Border 'Significant and Growing' Threat

"If we ever have a major earthquake and all these tunnels fall in, people won't know if they're in Mexico or the United States", says border patrol officer.

written by Bureau, 14 December 2013
Rating:

REPORT: Thousands of HealthCare.gov sign-ups didn't reach insurers

So how does one know even if they have insurance with the company they chose?

written by Bureau, 14 December 2013
Rating:

True Facts From Snoops #850

According to Snoops: The difference between shoe strings and boot laces aren't worth mentioning. Sorry.

written by Bureau, 14 December 2013
Rating:

True Facts From Snoops #644

According to Snoops: While campaigning for president of the United States in Texas, John Kerry wore a 20 gallon hat!

written by Bureau, 14 December 2013
Rating:

Ted Nugent Kills Kid Rock for Being Too Left-Wing

In breaking news, gun and bow and arrow enthusiast Ted Nugent has shot and killed faux rock star Kid Rock in an apparent argument. The fight was over left-wingers and who had left the toilet seat up.

written by Al N., 14 December 2013
Rating:

True Facts From Snoops #202

According to Snoops: Anyone born on February 29th can take off work that day with full pay. That's to make up for all the lost presents during the other three years.

written by Bureau, 14 December 2013
Rating:

True Facts From Snoops #1008

According to Snoops: No wife has ever sued her husband for a divorce on the grounds of coffee. But many a hot cup of java to the face has been involved.

written by Bureau, 14 December 2013
Rating:

NRA Gets Religious Tax Exemption

The IRS has given the NRA church status. This is so because "it's worship of guns and related icons is as intense as any religions." The NRA will now build churches with weapons on its alters.

written by Keith Shirey, 14 December 2013
Rating:

No winners in $425 million Mega Millions jackpot, lottery officials say

Several more say they will start purchasing tickets. "Over 425 million? Now were talking real money", says small tobacco farmer in Kentucky.

written by Bureau, 14 December 2013
Rating:

Jeremy Hunt welcomes 'seven-day NHS' plan

The NHS will now only operate for seven non consecutive days in one calendar year. The public will not be told which days these are. Hunt called the plan "The best way yet to save money"

written by John_L, 14 December 2013
Rating:

One Last Hug for Siblings in Jail for Bank-Robbing

It could be 10 years before Hayden and Tabby Catt ever see each other again. Sorry, that should be Abby Catt.

written by Bureau, 14 December 2013
Rating:

North Korea executes leader's uncle's father as a traitor

Since the old man died years ago of cancer. Body dug up and shot.

written by Bureau, 14 December 2013
Rating:

California population grows to 38.2 million

But over 20,000,000 are aliens from Mexico and Central America.

written by Bureau, 14 December 2013
Rating:

Sun Activity at Century Low!

Scientists say that soon the only way to get a natural tan is to lie upon the equator.

written by Bureau, 14 December 2013
Rating:

True Facts From Snoops #2004

According to Snoops: Before the Red Skeleton Show, no one was allowed to say "Kaddlehopper" on TV because of it being a cuss-word in Swahili. But soon, CBS gave a warning first, to the Swahili.

written by Bureau, 14 December 2013
Rating:

True Facts From Snoops #803

According to Snoops: The first junk mail ever mailed out was for used, banged-up Hudson Automobiles!

written by Bureau, 14 December 2013
Rating:

New Study Revealing #2

Since discovery that every ass-print is different, Airport Security has immediately adopted the method of identification.

written by Bureau, 14 December 2013
Rating:

New Study Revealing

Just like a fingerprint, every ass print on a copier is different. Plus, it's dangerous to be ass-printed at Police Headquarters!

written by Bureau, 14 December 2013
Rating:

True Facts From Snoops #553

According to Snoops: Most people who get their "Just Deserts" average over 300 pounds per person!

written by Bureau, 14 December 2013
Rating:

REPORT: NSA Can Decode Private Conversations!

Wonder if they can decode this hand gesture?

written by Bureau, 14 December 2013
Rating:

China Lands On The Moon!

I was hoping it meant the whole country but apparently it is only a spaceship.

written by Bureau, 14 December 2013
Rating:

Manhattan Apartment Rents Drop for Third Straight Month

Insurance costs for a plane hitting highrise has quadrupled!

written by Bureau, 14 December 2013
Rating:

De Blasio predicts liberalism will sweep country

Although nuclear weapons will do the actual work!

written by Bureau, 14 December 2013
Rating:

Sarah Palin Not to Run in 2016?

Sarah Palin says that she will not run for President as her ass looks too big already, without all the dinners and sitting in Oval office.

written by Bureau, 14 December 2013
Rating:

Who Benefits from JP Morgan's Madoff Deal Uncertain

Well, somebody "made off" with a lot of capital gain.

written by Tony Bagodonutz, 14 December 2013
Rating:

Single Mother Experiences Theft At Most Inconvenient Time

. . . as opposed to those hours of the day where theft is more convenient.

written by Tony Bagodonutz, 14 December 2013
Rating:

Lawmaker Strips In Congress to Protest Energy Bill

My air conditioning bill is way too high here in Mexico. This is the only way to cool off!

written by Tony Bagodonutz, 14 December 2013
Rating:

"Sister Wives" Family Wins Ruling in Bigamy Suit

The suit, designed by a local tailor in Provo, is both fashionable and functional, ideal for riding tandem bicycles!

written by Tony Bagodonutz, 14 December 2013
Rating:

Judge Finalizes Divorce of Jack White & Karen Elson

It's a nice day for a . . . White Divorce. Just doesn't have the same ring to it, does it?

written by Tony Bagodonutz, 14 December 2013
Rating:

Exercise just as effective as drugs in fighting major disease

However, death of each one still one-hundred percent!

written by Bureau, 14 December 2013
Rating:

New 'Person of Year' Pope Francis Defends Life in Womb.

"It was the best nine months of my life!"

written by Bureau, 14 December 2013
Rating:

STUDY: Earth was warmer in Roman, Medieval times.

But military used a lot of boiling oil, had a lot of saunas back then.

written by Bureau, 14 December 2013
Rating:

Army Hails Success of Drone-Shooting Laser.

"Now we need to test them out on satellites", says Air Force.

written by Bureau, 14 December 2013
Rating:

Snowburst: 5 to 6 feet of snow in upstate New York!

Small car full of midget clowns lost in snow somewhere. Cops listening for nose beeps, honks!

written by Bureau, 14 December 2013
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