Spoof news snippets from Wednesday 11 December 2013
FL. Coeds Can Party And Carry Guns
A Fl. court ruled that a Fl. coed should have been able to bring a gun to a party even though she was drunk. "There is no moment when someone should be without a gun. That's Un-American" it said.
NBC Announces New Series Based On Cannibalism
An NBC executive stated today that a new miniseries called "Donner Pass Delights" will be aired next January. "Cannibalism is the next step beyond zombie shows. Yummy, yummy says my tummy," he said.
Sen. Cruz, Gov. Perry Want Day Of Prayer
Senator Ted Cruz said today that the huge problems of refinery deaths, fracking accidents and severe factory maimings in TX. should be solved through prayer. "Not to believe in miracles is Un-Texan."
Ben Carson: Obamacare Makes Doctors 'Government Employees'
"How many do you think will work for government pay after all the medical costs they have from student loans?"
Cardinal Baloney Says Sperm Is Sacred
Cardinal Baloney of NY today reiterated his position that sperm is infused with soul before birth. "God would not infuse Eve sex's ovum, because she is inferior to Adam, just made from his rib."
Women Huge Problem For GOP
Chief of GOP Campaigns Michael Steele said today that enough "broads" don't vote for us. "As Boehner says in Dowd's NYT's column today. We've got to get these skanks in line before Hillary runs."
Noah Should Have Been Thrown Off The Ark
A Climate Change expert says that about a million species on earth have died out due to humans. In the future there will be no life of any kind. There should have been no humans on the ark, he said.
True Facts From Snoops #207
According to Snoops: The average number of The Spoof readers laughs per person is eight, says an actuary. "The rest are just amused chuckles."
First Lady's Glare Seen Round the World
Michelle Obama does not look amused at Nelson Mandela's memorial. "He's way too close to that woman. He needs to stay away from Bill Clinton."
While Obama Spoke...
Man who moved hands supposedly for the deaf was a fake. "He say Obama giant turkey & Mr. Mandela a condor", laughs sign reader. "Some things he say, I get into trouble if I repeat. Mostly nonsense."
DNA Evidence Lets Man Out of Insane Asylum
"After three years it's a wonder I'm not crazy. But I forgive all those people who sent me there even if I did smear my own feces all over their car windshields."
Don't be gay in India!
Elton John and George Michael have cancelled sell out gigs in India and Russsia because having after concert groupie parties is illegal there. They might end up on a holiday in prison?
True Facts From Snoops #233
According to Snoops: A slug has to stop crawling every ten feet to regenerate the lower part of it's body.
Tesco Inspectors to make sure we eat our greens
Tesco is sending "Dinner Inspectors" to make sure that plates are cleaned.
"No puddings will be sold to people from now on unless they eat what has been put in front of them", a Mr. Sinister said.
True Facts From Snoops #718
According to Snoops: America is still the number one producer of software. Number 2? Uganda!
Russia may answer conventional attack with nukes
So tell surrounding countries to keep kids away from border with slingshots!
True Facts From Snoops #650
According to Snoops: In New York City, every time a city cop catches a drunk driver, he gets a free doughnut.
......gone in sixty seconds:The Prequel?
ArchBishop Desmond Tutu burgled while attending Mandela Farewell Tour gig...a spokesman said "It's all to-to much".
Missouri School District Hit With $150,000 Bill for Obamacare.
"So will every state that voted against him", states Dean.
Harvard students vote to ban bottled water.
"Unless it has hops, grains, etc. in it. Then it's OK!"
Longtime GOP staffer sacked for leaking.
"He may have worked for us a long time but he's going to take his leaks in the bathrooms like everyone else", says Boehner.
Budget Deal Unveiled, but Can They Sell It?
A better question: Can they actually read this one?
"Big Brother spying getting scary!"
"You better believe it, Buddy", says wall behind man making statement.
Is this the mall of the future?
"They may contain less stores and more speciality oriented. We call them 'Smalls'", says builder.
Obama-Castro shake: Now what?
"I hope they don't have the Bird Flu", says Michelle.
DUCK DYNASTY' carols outselling Britney Spears.#7
"Do You Hear What I Hear, Now That I Have My Hearing Aid On?" Maybe we should tour the country with Chip Davis? He could make hogs eating sound pretty."
Elian Gonzalez has harsh words for U.S.
"I'm glad we are rid of the little mouth monkey", says spokesman for FBI.
49ers New Billion-Dollar Stadium Lacks Parking; Appeals Made to Local Businesses
"I kept thinking that we were forgetting something" says planner. "Then afterwards, someone asked me 'Where are people Going To Park?' and I couldn't believe it!"
Meteor explodes over Arizona
"It was probably trying to make it to one of those weird sites in New Mexico", says local sheriff!
DUCK DYNASTY' carols outselling Britney Spears.#6
"We would like to thank Chip Davis and the Mannheim Steamroller for the backup", says Head Duck.
DUCK DYNASTY' carols outselling Britney Spears.#5
"Crusty The Snowman" the favorite of the kiddies so far."
New Orchid Species Found on 'Lost World' Volcano in the Azores
Also, Mrs. Janice Weathers says that she has found a blue and yellow clover in her backyard in Caneyville, Tennessee.
Mexico arrests suspect linked to 200 murders
Chief of Police: "The wheels of justice go slow but they ...uh how does that go again?"
Pit Bull Thwarts Mail Delivery for Over a Year on NH Street
"Police won't even go over there", says lady on one street over. "Not even to check on those three mailmen that are missing."
Firefighters Find Something Unexpected in California Home
"Just regular people", says Fire Chief. "There were no piercings, no one was gay, no 50 cats, no terrorists, just people."
Julie Andrews missed NBC's live 'Sound of Music'
Apparently didn't want to see it "butchered like that!"
Sebelius asks for investigation of flawed website
"While I realize it's my own website, it may have been hacked or I may have been drunk."
The True Facts from Snoops #077
According to Snoops: While the Baseball Hall of Fame is located in Coopersville, New York, The Chicken Coop Museum is located in Ballsville, New York. You can see both of them the same day.
The True Facts from Snoops #660
According to Snoops: The film "Ground Hog Day" was loosely based on Shakespeare's "Hamlet"!
The True Facts from Snoops #318
According to Snoops: Ben Franklin's Poor Richard's Almanac always included some of the colonists favorite puns, limericks and a centerfold.
"Israel is on it's own!"
Plans being made to blow up Iran nuke plants, John Kerry.
Iran plans more nuke plants.
John Kerry: I had no idea they would actually lie to me.
INVENTOR: Humans Will Soon Reprogram Biology to Avoid Disease, Aging.
Everyone spontaneous combust at the age of 85! ("What was that noise?" "Just grandma, she hit 85 last night")
Madagascar village hit by bubonic plague.
Benton, Arkansas hit by Bucolic Plague!
'DUCK DYNASTY' carols outselling Britney Spears.#4
"Frosty The Snowbeard" outselling Burl Ives version!
'DUCK DYNASTY' carols outselling Britney Spears.#3
Favorite: "Grandma Got Ran Over By A Reindeer" so we buried her and dressed the reindeer for winter stew.
'DUCK DYNASTY' carols outselling Britney Spears.#2
"Here Come The Duck Dynasty Santa Claus" a bestseller!
'DUCK DYNASTY' carols outselling Britney Spears.
But so are over half of all the other singers out there.
REPORT: Castro Shake Came after Months of Secret Talks.
Talks that most people knew about in the NHA, CIA, hackers and FBI among others.
Mandela ceremony interpreter called 'fake'
'Made up his own hand gestures'. Mandela would never use such language", says one deaf male.
NASA Unveils New Robot.
This one cannot only change piss to drinking water but crap into caviar.
UPDATE: 200,000 Apply to Live on Mars.
"We are drawing up a list of "enemies of the state" to go there", says Washington.
Air Force Base Takes Down Nativity Scene After Complaint It Violated Constitution
After the past four years, we didn't know we still had a constitution!
India Court Bans Gay Sex.
If you're going to have gay sex, please go to a private place and out of our courts!
Time: Pope Voted Parson of the Year
I'm sorry, that should be Time: "Person of the Year"
The Theatre of Grim Reality
The Oxford English Dictionary Company are recalling the 2014 edition after it was discovered that the word 'Blame' was missing. "And who's fault is that?" asked Victoria Coren.
New Jersey Man Sleeps 10 Hours Unaware Knife Stuck In His Back
"I thought we were just talking metaphor, but apparently I came home with a knife LITERALLY stuck in my back."
Study: Viagra May Relieve Women's Cramps
Apparently when a man takes the right dose of Viagra he is bestowed an ability to knock the cramps right out of his partner.
District Attorney Fights for Job in Civil Trial After DWI Conviction
You gotta fight, for your right, to PARTY!
St. Nicks Learn Tricks of Trade at Santa School
Tricks such as taking "Elfie" pics with subordinates and submission holds for unruly reindeers.
Colo. 6-Year-Old Suspended for Kissing Girl
Georgie Porgie Pudding Pie, kissed the girls and made them cry. They kicked his ass right out of school. The other kids thought he was cool.
American Woman Almost Wins "Arabs Got Talent"
Leaving the world even more confused.
Sarah Palin to Host New "Amazing America" Show
The creators are reconsidering the title. They scrapped the title "Annoying America" because they weren't sure how many followers it would get.
Joey "The Ladies Man" Biden
Back in high school Vice-President Joe Biden was voted Guy Most Likely To Become A Mormon because of that multiple chick thing.
The President of Afghanistan Insults The USA
President Hamid Krazai stated that all the American people care about is football, basketball, baseball, and American Idol.
Kim Kardashian's Worst Nightmare
Kim Kardashian says that lately she has been having horrible nightmares about her humongous butt shrinking to the size of LeAnn Rimes' butt.
President Obama's Disapproval Rating Reaches 53%
The president responds by saying that his approval rating is 47% and that's the only number that really counts.
A Sucker From Way Back
FOX talk show host Bill O'Reilly sucked his right thumb until the age of 12.
Scientists Discover The Difference Between A Male and Female Brain
After spending years of researching the age old question, scientists have announced that a female's brain is pink and a male's brain is blue.
Those Darn Mosquitoes
The Mt. Rushmore presidential monument was originally going to be in Louisiana, but the plans were changed due to the mosquito problem.
Alec Baldwin - The Poster Boy For Stress And Nuttiness.
Alec Baldwin recently said that he is thinking of changing the C in his name to the more normal looking K.
Ann Coulter - The Political Freak of Nature
Ann Coulter has admitted that she has three ovaries.
Could The Boston Celtics Horrible Record Have Something To Do With It?
Boston has more handkerchiefs than any city in the United States.
Op Ed Columnist: Failure Is The New American Way
David Brooks,of the NYTs said that the reality now and for the future is endless depression,"The New America" he wrote."The serenity prayer should be said repeatedly on TV by Obama as the answer."
Retirement Tip: Consider Gold IRA Rollover
Wherever you are and no matter how the economy is doing, remember this: You can always eat gold!
Church Defends Opposition To Birth Control
Cardinal Baloney of the New York diocese said to day that sperm is already infused with a soul before a women is impregnated. "That is why it must not be prevented from fertilizing a woman's egg."
Solution To Food Riots In Los Angeles
Unruly hungry people have resembled out-of-control Walmart Black Friday shoppers as they get food from food banks. Now as they arrive L.A. cops are handing out treats laden with tranquilizers.
The True Facts from Snoops #741
According to Snoops: Ivory Soap is the only soap that has ever been named after a body part of an elephant.
New bird flu resists drugs without losing ability to spread.
Doctor: It's hard to work on them with them flapping their arms so wildly.
Twenty Four Family Members In Gunfight
West Virginia: A family fight over who would get to open their presents first has landed 24 member of one family in the hospital.
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