Order by:
Rating:

CO apartment complex bans gun owners

"We're leaving says one resident. "I think the others are too. I mean, the word is out. Crooks come on and rob the place."

written by Bureau, 08 August 2013
Rating:

U.S. Not Celebrating 150th Anniversary of Civil War

Most re-enactments in Egypt, Lebanon, Syria, Libya,etc.

written by Bureau, 08 August 2013
Rating:

Facebook Founder Zuckerberg makes $4 Million in One Day

Facebook Founder Mark Zuckerberg makes nearly $4 billion in one day of trading. Then has pocket picked at the airport. "Not to worry", he tells police. "I only keep a million or so on me."

written by Bureau, 08 August 2013
Rating:

George W. Bush Recovering Nicely

After By-Pass surgery, someone told the former President that his pants were zipped and he glanced around and then looked down. "Yep! He's back to normal."

written by Bureau, 08 August 2013
Rating:

Mick Jagger Turns 70

But after several cosmetic surgeries with two face lifts, he looks 80! On the other hand, Keith Richards looks like he's been dead for some time now.

written by Bureau, 08 August 2013
Rating:

Archaeologist On Easter Island Identifies Statues

"It is my opinion that they are some kind of figure heads", stated Professor Ian Tyson.

written by Bureau, 08 August 2013
Rating:

Weiner Not Being Frank! Calls Opponent Old Fart

After a NYC candidate forum at the AARP, Weiner, 48, touched the chest of 69-year-old Rep. candidate George McDonald, who responded: "Old Fart huh? Don't put your slimy hands on me again."

written by Bureau, 08 August 2013
Rating:

Weiner Gets A Good Grilling

Many at grilling stated that he gave them all a good impression! "We thought he would be hot-dogging it but he was a gentleman."

written by Bureau, 08 August 2013
Rating:

First Lab-Grown Hamburger, Made From Stem Cells, Served in London

By a robot waitress on skates.

written by Bureau, 08 August 2013
Rating:

Global Terrorist Lookout

NSA, Other Country Homeland Security asks that all people everywhere report anyone who is acting suspiciously..not county NYC subway.

written by Bureau, 08 August 2013
Rating:

Queen records message to subjects should nuclear war come

"Any of you that are not fried grease balls or shadows on the walkway, keep a stiff upper lip and rally the British Kingdom."

written by Bureau, 08 August 2013
Rating:

NSA people assure US public that they can't see through walls!

(background speaker) "Hey Ronald. Come see these. No need for porn on the net if you see what some of these horny people are doing in their bedrooms). Shhhhhhh!

written by Bureau, 08 August 2013
Rating:

Scientists Tell U.S. Public Not To Worry About Asteroids

"If one WERE to hit the earth then you wouldn't know about it anyway. It would suddenly appear and you would suddenly disappear. I hope that has settled several people's worries."

written by Bureau, 08 August 2013
Rating:

Groping Incidents By San Diego Mayor Down 50%

"At least he's trying", say most. "How about that Weiner fellow?"

written by Bureau, 08 August 2013
Rating:

Increased Chatter By Terrorists Last Week

CIA now say it may have been a bad connection or a wire unplugged somewhere.

written by Bureau, 08 August 2013
Rating:

Georgia marks fifth anniversary of Russia war

Former President elderly Jimmy Carter: "That's all. Only five years. I don't even recall war with Russia. Was that where Billy died? Are we still holding on to Richmond?"

written by Bureau, 08 August 2013
Rating:

UN: Colombia coca crop down 25 percent

US: Meth labs up 25%. Average American 25% uglier with 25% less teeth.

written by Bureau, 08 August 2013
Rating:

Ghosts Still At It!

Once again the ghosts of John and George appeared to Ringo in bed and laughed at him aging while they're still young. "Look at the hooter, George! Ha ha ha!" "You just need fake mustache and glasses!"

written by Bureau, 08 August 2013
Rating:

Russia wants the United States out of Afghanistan!

'It's only fair", says Putin. "We had it before you and now it's our time to get to play in the rocks and cave. I'll be riding a white horse and they will fear me!"

written by Bureau, 08 August 2013
Rating:

Souse Singer At Bar in Paducah

He-heres a lettle somethin you'll all lack: "Oh Gandy, I something something you came and something uh hic! without uh randy. Till I sent you something...something." Wadden thet grape?"

written by Bureau, 08 August 2013
Rating:

Green Day Band Performing In N. Korea

Lots of clapping and cheering...or else! Kim Jong Un joins band on stage and does the Macarena or something close to it.

written by Bureau, 08 August 2013
Rating:

Dog Suspects UPS Package Will Endanger Lives of Entire Household, Responds Accordingly

Spike, the 9-pound Pomeranian, nearly busted the door down trying to repel the UPS package delivery today. Barking non-stop for 5 minutes, Spike eventually declared victory and shut the hell up.

written by Moe Nightwalker, 08 August 2013
Rating:

Spying Equipment found in Supreme Court Room

One surprise: They never give a verdict until after Jeopardy is over. Winner gets to announce the decision.

written by Bureau, 08 August 2013
Rating:

Pursued meteors will light up night sky on Monday

I'm sorry. That should be "Perseid meteors will light up night sky on Monday".

written by Bureau, 08 August 2013
Rating:

Is Spontaneity the Greatest Danger to Your Weight?

Most say yes but many answer that it's probably that evening meal that lasts from 6-10 PM while watching TV.

written by Bureau, 08 August 2013
Rating:

Headlines: NSA surveillance more extensive than previously

How can that be when they already had info one every single one of us. I got a call last night and a whisperer told me that I had left the cat out.

written by Bureau, 08 August 2013
Rating:

In wishing Bush well, Putin has message for Obama

"Take that Mr. Osama", Russia's Putin tells Russian press!

written by Bureau, 08 August 2013
Rating:

Actor George Takei joins petition to move Winter Olympics from Russia to Canada

Explains: "Just taking the President's side in pissing contest with Putin!"

written by Bureau, 08 August 2013
Rating:

President Obama to Begin talking to the Unemployed

He will be making his first stop at...oh, just about anywhere in America!

written by Bureau, 08 August 2013
Rating:

US Drone Kills Six More Terrorists in Yemen

That's 32 in all, if you are keeping score. Wait a minute. I forgot to sign mine. That's a 2-dead terrorist penalty.

written by Bureau, 08 August 2013
Rating:

Bezos known for his demanding style as manager.

Yet almost 80% of Clown Union say they support him!

written by Bureau, 08 August 2013
Rating:

Rodeo bull runs wild at Minnesota fair.

Runs through Best China judging tent!

written by Bureau, 08 August 2013
Rating:

Egyptian Civil War Could Last A Long Time

Especially when the United States civil war II breaks out here. "We will not allow the government to take our liberties much longer", says member of Tea Party.

written by Bureau, 08 August 2013
Rating:

REPORT: Obama admin makes new rule to compel diversity in neighborhoods

"Every third house has to be filled with a minority."

written by Bureau, 08 August 2013
Rating:

Jeb Bush rips Damon for sending his kids to private school

Then rips one off in disgust as he leaves mike. "Bush Beans To You Damon!"

written by Bureau, 08 August 2013
Rating:

NSA Searches Content to and From USA; Texts, emails.

Plus anything we can blackmail you with at election time.

written by Bureau, 08 August 2013
Rating:

That's the Long & Short of it!

I thought of a new password for my computer and put mypenis as the new one. A message came back: 'Error- not long enough'

written by j.w., 08 August 2013
Rating:

Doctor promises amazing weight loss results

Patients have reported incredible weight loss, losing pounds overnight, at Doctor Wang's Weight Adjustment Amputation Clinic.

written by CaptainSausage, 08 August 2013
Rating:

Laugh Prison: Branson's new airline to stage on-board comedy shows.

"Have you heard the one about the aircraft that split in two while in the air? Well, you'll love this one. Wake that guy up. He wouldn't want to miss anything."

written by Bureau, 08 August 2013
Rating:

Spy Versus Spy

IRS manual detailed DEA's use of hidden intel evidence on citizens...who would have thought that free Americans could be turned into a nation of spies?

written by Bureau, 08 August 2013
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