Order by:
Rating:

A Possible New Trade War.

The United States claims that China is trying to start another trade war. "That's OK", says President Obama. "If we pull all Chinese products from WalMart alone, they will owe us six trillion dollars.

written by Bureau, 07 August 2013
Rating:

Facebook Worth Half?

Stock in Facebook was worth about half the value as it was when it first came on the stock market last year. Even though it has improved and I'm not Chinese, I'd still say that that was losing face.

written by Bureau, 07 August 2013
Rating:

The New Dollar Coins

President Obama promised "change" when he came into office and that's how it's going to happen!

written by Bureau, 07 August 2013
Rating:

President Reaches Across The Aisle

President Obama reached across the aisle today and asked all congressmen of both parties to purchase a Power Ball Ticket.
"Those millions would really give the economy a great boost."

written by Bureau, 07 August 2013
Rating:

Usher's son nearly drowns

"That's the last time we will ever show The Rocky Horror Picture Show again", he tells investigators.

written by Bureau, 07 August 2013
Rating:

Rushbo Once Again

Rush Limbaugh causes international incident by saying that new North Korean leader would look the same either end up if not for the eyes and nose!

written by Bureau, 07 August 2013
Rating:

Reality Network Shaken

Surprisingly, newcomer "Midnight Cow-Tipping" passes up #17 "Scarecrow or Real" on The Reality Channel!

written by Bureau, 07 August 2013
Rating:

Plink-Plink-Plink-Plink-Plink!!

Local man cracks up and scares entire family and neighbors two months after they purchase piano for five-year-old. "All we could get out of him was him screaming "CHOPSTICKS!" over and over again.

written by Bureau, 07 August 2013
Rating:

Car Dealership Refuse To Sell Rolls Royce

"The so-called customer drove her like she was a common Ford", says Owner. "We always check with camera in the back."

written by Bureau, 07 August 2013
Rating:

Now available at all pet stores and hospitals.

Introducing Dr. Scholl's small animal coffins for those who want to keep them around a few more days and maybe have a wake or memorial.

written by Bureau, 07 August 2013
Rating:

Limbaugh Gets New Position

Rush Limbaugh named as first Director of Homeland Blabbermouth Security!

written by Bureau, 07 August 2013
Rating:

More Political Correctness!

Criminals no longer to be called crooks, criminals but "Inside Wall Guest Workers.

written by Bureau, 07 August 2013
Rating:

Opinion: We Must Never Forget August 7th, 2013

The day that this snippet was born. Be sure to mark your calenders and reserve some candles for next year's first anniversary! Oh, it's going to be smashing!

written by Bureau, 07 August 2013
Rating:

More Priceless Art, Worth $2 Million Stolen in Paris

Police say they have no clues or suspects but wonder about it being worth $2 million if "priceless". "Could be a scam of the art museum", says Commander.

written by Bureau, 07 August 2013
Rating:

Swiss mosquito alert!

Swiss say mosquito species blamed for spread of dengue, West Nile virus may have crossed Alp on mountain goats.

written by Bureau, 07 August 2013
Rating:

Obama says time for Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac shakeup

Announces new Micky Dee's Big Mac and Jimmy Mac programs.

written by Bureau, 07 August 2013
Rating:

NASA has high hopes Mars rover's winning streak will continue

"Come on now! Rover needs a new pair of wheels! One more time, Baby! Win one more for daddy!"

written by Bureau, 07 August 2013
Rating:

Scientists plan controversial lab-made bird flu

"Place twenty million dollars in small suitcase in locker at airport and you will have more instructions there."

written by Bureau, 07 August 2013
Rating:

Obama to speak at 50th anniversary of MLK's 'I have a dream' speech

Plans to call it, "I Have a Nightmare on my Hands!"

written by Bureau, 07 August 2013
Rating:

President personally negotiated Obamacare exemption for Congressional staffers

Americans ask, "If it's not right for them, how can it be right for us?"

written by Bureau, 07 August 2013
Rating:

Russian TV accidentally airs anti-Putin diatribe.

Naked ass with big wart on left cheek.

written by Bureau, 07 August 2013
Rating:

UKIP Bonkers

UKIP has been sent to Bonkers Bonkers Land where it is feeling very much at home.

written by j.w., 07 August 2013
Rating:

Shoes That Make A Statement - JCPenney

New Talking Shoes try to encourage runners performance. "You can do it! Just a mile more. Hey, what's with the stinky corn plaster? Did you know you have 2 different socks on?"

written by Bureau, 07 August 2013
Rating:

Cars selling like hot cakes at one Auto Sales

We sell almost new cars for as low as $3,000", says owner. "What we do is purchase all our cars from the maker of used cars only. I know they're hot! We're setting records. Police officers up front?"

written by Bureau, 07 August 2013
Rating:

Ross Perot has endorsed Mitt Romney.

He once helped me to keep those bad people from kidnapping my parakeet, Brigham.....what do you mean the elections over? I know that. And I lost!"

written by Bureau, 07 August 2013
Rating:

Chicago Fans Cheer When A-Rod Hit By Pitch.

Chicago White Sox (Obama's team) got nothing else to do, since they have been stuck in the cellar all year.

written by Bureau, 07 August 2013
Rating:

Cost of health care to rise 72% in Indiana.

President Barack Obama to state republicans: Hoosier Daddy?

written by Bureau, 07 August 2013
Rating:

Yemen Foils Al-Qaeda Plot

"So we didn't need your drones after all", boasts Military leaders.

written by Bureau, 07 August 2013
Rating:

California education to improve

With its Powerball Lottery at $425 million, bankrupt California should acquire enough money, through ticket sales, to improve its education system, which is near the nation's bottom in quality.

written by Gee Pee, 07 August 2013
Rating:

Philippines expands navy

The Philippines added a new warship to its naval fleet, which now boasts a totals of two vessels.

written by Gee Pee, 07 August 2013
Rating:

Obama favors higher minimum wage

In support of a higher minimum wage of $10 per hour, President Obama says he will accept such such a salary. "Pay me what I'm worth," he challenges Congress.

written by Gee Pee, 07 August 2013
Rating:

Taco Bell expands "waffle taco" test

Emboldened by reports of the 15-ton "fatberg" removed from a London sewer, Taco Bell plans to expand its tests of its new waffle taco. If a sewer can be cleaned, why not customers' arteries?

written by Gee Pee, 07 August 2013
Rating:

Obama chides Putin

As payback for Russia's asylum for whistleblower Edward Snowden, President Obama threatened to stay home and pout rather than attend Moscow summit, as Obama had previously planned to do.

written by Gee Pee, 07 August 2013
Rating:

Jennifer Aniston panics about stripper role

Just as she's set to take on a stripper role in a new film, Jennifer Aniston admits to panicking as she wonders, Are my breasts up to it?

written by Gee Pee, 07 August 2013
Rating:

"W" no longer heartless

Compassionate conservative George W. Bush received a heart during a recent operation. Surgeons say there's a 50-50% chance his body won't reject it as "foreign material."

written by Gee Pee, 07 August 2013
Rating:

US sees slight decline in obesity among poor children

First change seen from changing pink slime to red slime with vitamins B added.

written by Bureau, 07 August 2013
Rating:

Drunk A Hero

A soused customer coming out of nightclub saved three people from burning car. When told this morning what he had done he replied, "I did WHAT?"

written by Bureau, 07 August 2013
Rating:

Condom ad shows men the consequences of unprotected sex

In a word: babies.

written by Gee Pee, 07 August 2013
Rating:

Huge blaze shuts Kenya's main airport

Apparently star farted....fire started when the two ground keepers rubbed two flint rocks together.

written by Bureau, 07 August 2013
Rating:

UNFORTUNATE DRIVER

A guy has a bad office day. Homeward, he hits 105 mph. A motorcycle cop stops him, giving him a $150 ticket.
Stressed out and "wife scared," the dude keels over and dies from a "traffic infarction."

written by shel, 07 August 2013
Rating:

Tons of tainted water leaking into ocean from Fukushima

Can even Greenpeace be bought off? Why are we worried over candy wrapper on highway?

written by Bureau, 07 August 2013
Rating:

Marilyn Monroe called Jackie Kennedy about JFK affair, book claims

Teddy Roosevelt smoke two joints a day. Abraham Lincoln called his own poop, Lincoln Logs, ancestors may sue over copyright! You can write anything about dead people who cannot defend themselves.

written by Bureau, 07 August 2013
Rating:

Romney warns against gov't shutdown

In speech in New Hampshire, former GOP presidential nominee warned congressional Republicans against letting emotions drive their decisions. Response: "Kiss It!"

written by Bureau, 07 August 2013
Rating:

Yemen likely location of planned Al Qaeda attack

Makes sense since that's where we sent the drone attack! Duh!

written by Bureau, 07 August 2013
Rating:

Powering the Future: Underwater turbines harness river power

Also help move crap out to the ocean! It's a winner for everyone but the oceans.

written by Bureau, 07 August 2013
Rating:

Should you get screened for blocked artery?

Are you nuts? You can't shot out of anything that's blocked an it would explode! I'm sorry, that should be artery. It wouldn't hurt. Well, some. But nothing like standing beside a blocked artillery!

written by Bureau, 07 August 2013
Rating:

Eye Opener: Obama addresses global terror threat

"What is wrong with the New York Yankees, I don't know. But..I think I have the wrong teleprompter. Oh, here's what I think: That house in Cleveland should have...will you guys wake up over there?"

written by Bureau, 07 August 2013
Rating:

Obama: I hate it when Putin calls me Osama!"

George W. Bush: Don't worry about it. I butchered every Russian's name I ever met.

written by Bureau, 07 August 2013
Rating:

Miley Cyrus names new album

Apparently it is to be called "I Am The Bad Annette Funicello!"

written by Bureau, 07 August 2013
Rating:

Several Mennonites Injured

Usually peaceful group get into massive rake fight after one family was shunned. No one was seriously injured.

written by Bureau, 07 August 2013
Rating:

Rush Limbaugh Has Brain-Eating Amoeba

"Now he can really say "With half my brain tied behind my back", jokes liberal U.S. Senator.

written by Bureau, 07 August 2013
Rating:

Congressman with brain-eating amoeba returns

"You cannot tell any difference than usual", say U.S. Representatives.

written by Bureau, 07 August 2013
Rating:

Japan launches massive warship

The "Godzilla" will make several port stops wherever it can to be shown off.

written by Bureau, 07 August 2013
Rating:

Dramamine sales up with govt officials

Dramamine sales are rising as Fed Reserve Chairman candidate Larry Summers and his Wall Street friends deal with the motion sickness from the revolving door between private and government jobs.

written by Moe Nightwalker, 07 August 2013
Rating:

Sex offenders put back on the street

Ten are already dead after hookers trick them to come up to the roof for some action. Then get pushed off. Police turn backs.

written by Bureau, 07 August 2013
Rating:

Obama talks terror with Leno

"No, no. I had no trouble with anything under the bed. It was the thing in the closet that kept me awake at night", says President.

written by Bureau, 07 August 2013
Rating:

Penis Robber Make Off With Whopper

A Nameless Porn star says he is ruined in more ways than one. Police searching for someone who is a friend of docs.

written by Bureau, 07 August 2013
Rating:

Obama cancels talks with Putin

"All he ever does is talk about his sexual conquests, flex his muscles", says President.

written by Bureau, 07 August 2013
Rating:

O.J. Simpson Doing OK, Say Docs!

Simpson apparently victim of "Tipping" incident during the night. Says he will definitely try to drop some pounds. "Don't see how cows manage it but maybe 4 legs help", he tells reporters.

written by Bureau, 07 August 2013
Rating:

Report Just In!

Lake 10,001 discovered in northern Minnesota!

written by Bureau, 07 August 2013
Rating:

Latest Thrill in NYC

If given approval: New reality show will feature average people on plane landing in the Hudson River.

written by Bureau, 07 August 2013
Rating:

Terrorist Report Out

One surprise: There are some airlines with a safety record that not even terrorists will get on.

written by Bureau, 07 August 2013
Rating:

New Aussie Study Out

Report: Numbers of kangaroos are growing by leaps and bounds!

written by Bureau, 07 August 2013
Rating:

Fake Pilots of Small Planes Arrested in Pennsylvania

"With the beards and all, we thought they were Amish", says Airport Security Guard at small Yoderville Airport..

written by Bureau, 07 August 2013
Rating:

NYC Lab Rats Escape!

Immediately killed and eaten by big brothers on the street!

written by Bureau, 07 August 2013
Rating:

Man saves dog from sinking ship, then goes back for wife

"Hope the children and grand children hold on. There's still the cat you know!"

written by Bureau, 07 August 2013
Rating:

New training center cultivating WWE's next crop

Some of the upcoming champs: Billy Ache, The Dickster, Dr. Death, The Incredible Punisher, Boss Rat!, others similar to comic books characters.

written by Bureau, 07 August 2013
Rating:

Harried Phone Survey Taker Pleads For A Little Respect

Most people say they have no respect for calls interrupting family meals, get-togethers, sleeping after night shift. "If not for politicians, I'd rank them right at the bottom", says one interviewee.

written by Bureau, 07 August 2013
Rating:

U.S Military is having problems with atheists

None of them will dig a foxhole because of being afraid they would be converted.

written by Bureau, 07 August 2013
Rating:

Fire shuts Kenya's main airport, chokes regional gateway

ll three planes told to land somewhere else temporarily.

written by Bureau, 07 August 2013
Rating:

Demolition begins on Ohio house in kidnapping case

Just as soon as all the demons are driven out.

written by Bureau, 07 August 2013
Rating:

McCain meets with Muslim Bros in Egypt.

Most Americans had no idea that some of McCain's brothers were Muslim!

written by Bureau, 07 August 2013
Rating:

LENO: 'How about solving the problems that brought our country to a halt?'

Obama: Sometimes you just have to stop and smell the crappola!

written by Bureau, 07 August 2013
Rating:

Odds of dying in terrorist attack 'a lot lower than dying in a car accident

Unless, of course, the big bomb hits and there's a retaliation that destroys the whole earth. Then you would have to rethink these odds.

written by Bureau, 07 August 2013
Rating:

South Korea's roads power cars as they drive

Now, all they need are the automobiles.

written by Gee Pee, 07 August 2013
Rating:

Al Roker sleeps in

Al Roker missed his show, Wake Up with Al because he didn't wake up with Al. He forgot to set his alarm or was still passed out from the night before, colleagues say: "With Al, no one knows for sure."

written by Gee Pee, 07 August 2013
Rating:

Nigerian Legislature To Consider Affirmative Action Bill

The National Assembly of Nigeria is set to debate a new affirmative action bill which will dramatically affect every segment of government and civilian life. Details were not available at press time.

written by Moe Nightwalker, 07 August 2013
Rating:

Obama Says He Always Sees Containers As Half Full

While the rest of the country sees the honey pot so full of crap it's running over the top and across the room.

written by Bureau, 07 August 2013
Rating:

What We Have Here Is A Failure To Communicate

Cellphones acting up at different places all across United States and several other western countries.

written by Bureau, 07 August 2013
Rating:

Bill Clinton Won't Touch Weiner

Why, has he caught something really bad this time? Maybe he should send Weiner Monica's number.

written by Bureau, 07 August 2013
Rating:

U.S. Department of Health Overrun By Bed Bugs

That's just about the best statement yet on condition of the country. I hope they all descend on Washington DC and the United Nations Building.

written by Bureau, 07 August 2013
Rating:

ABC newsperson who switched genders wants to switch back

Told "Sorry. We threw that thing away. No one would have it. You can't blame them. Don't think we can reverse process. Looks like you're stuck in neutral."

written by Bureau, 07 August 2013
Rating:

McCain meets with Muslim Bros in Egypt

Nothing personal but why is McCain all over the planet but here in the U.S.? Does he secretly want to be a POW again?

written by Bureau, 07 August 2013
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57
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