Spoof news snippets from Wednesday 7 August 2013
A Possible New Trade War.
The United States claims that China is trying to start another trade war. "That's OK", says President Obama. "If we pull all Chinese products from WalMart alone, they will owe us six trillion dollars.
Facebook Worth Half?
Stock in Facebook was worth about half the value as it was when it first came on the stock market last year. Even though it has improved and I'm not Chinese, I'd still say that that was losing face.
The New Dollar Coins
President Obama promised "change" when he came into office and that's how it's going to happen!
President Reaches Across The Aisle
President Obama reached across the aisle today and asked all congressmen of both parties to purchase a Power Ball Ticket.
"Those millions would really give the economy a great boost."
Usher's son nearly drowns
"That's the last time we will ever show The Rocky Horror Picture Show again", he tells investigators.
Rushbo Once Again
Rush Limbaugh causes international incident by saying that new North Korean leader would look the same either end up if not for the eyes and nose!
Reality Network Shaken
Surprisingly, newcomer "Midnight Cow-Tipping" passes up #17 "Scarecrow or Real" on The Reality Channel!
Local man cracks up and scares entire family and neighbors two months after they purchase piano for five-year-old. "All we could get out of him was him screaming "CHOPSTICKS!" over and over again.
Car Dealership Refuse To Sell Rolls Royce
"The so-called customer drove her like she was a common Ford", says Owner. "We always check with camera in the back."
Now available at all pet stores and hospitals.
Introducing Dr. Scholl's small animal coffins for those who want to keep them around a few more days and maybe have a wake or memorial.
Limbaugh Gets New Position
Rush Limbaugh named as first Director of Homeland Blabbermouth Security!
More Political Correctness!
Criminals no longer to be called crooks, criminals but "Inside Wall Guest Workers.
Opinion: We Must Never Forget August 7th, 2013
The day that this snippet was born. Be sure to mark your calenders and reserve some candles for next year's first anniversary! Oh, it's going to be smashing!
More Priceless Art, Worth $2 Million Stolen in Paris
Police say they have no clues or suspects but wonder about it being worth $2 million if "priceless". "Could be a scam of the art museum", says Commander.
Swiss mosquito alert!
Swiss say mosquito species blamed for spread of dengue, West Nile virus may have crossed Alp on mountain goats.
Obama says time for Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac shakeup
Announces new Micky Dee's Big Mac and Jimmy Mac programs.
NASA has high hopes Mars rover's winning streak will continue
"Come on now! Rover needs a new pair of wheels! One more time, Baby! Win one more for daddy!"
Scientists plan controversial lab-made bird flu
"Place twenty million dollars in small suitcase in locker at airport and you will have more instructions there."
Obama to speak at 50th anniversary of MLK's 'I have a dream' speech
Plans to call it, "I Have a Nightmare on my Hands!"
President personally negotiated Obamacare exemption for Congressional staffers
Americans ask, "If it's not right for them, how can it be right for us?"
Russian TV accidentally airs anti-Putin diatribe.
Naked ass with big wart on left cheek.
UKIP has been sent to Bonkers Bonkers Land where it is feeling very much at home.
Shoes That Make A Statement - JCPenney
New Talking Shoes try to encourage runners performance. "You can do it! Just a mile more. Hey, what's with the stinky corn plaster? Did you know you have 2 different socks on?"
Cars selling like hot cakes at one Auto Sales
We sell almost new cars for as low as $3,000", says owner. "What we do is purchase all our cars from the maker of used cars only. I know they're hot! We're setting records. Police officers up front?"
Ross Perot has endorsed Mitt Romney.
He once helped me to keep those bad people from kidnapping my parakeet, Brigham.....what do you mean the elections over? I know that. And I lost!"
Chicago Fans Cheer When A-Rod Hit By Pitch.
Chicago White Sox (Obama's team) got nothing else to do, since they have been stuck in the cellar all year.
Cost of health care to rise 72% in Indiana.
President Barack Obama to state republicans: Hoosier Daddy?
Yemen Foils Al-Qaeda Plot
"So we didn't need your drones after all", boasts Military leaders.
California education to improve
With its Powerball Lottery at $425 million, bankrupt California should acquire enough money, through ticket sales, to improve its education system, which is near the nation's bottom in quality.
Philippines expands navy
The Philippines added a new warship to its naval fleet, which now boasts a totals of two vessels.
Obama favors higher minimum wage
In support of a higher minimum wage of $10 per hour, President Obama says he will accept such such a salary. "Pay me what I'm worth," he challenges Congress.
Taco Bell expands "waffle taco" test
Emboldened by reports of the 15-ton "fatberg" removed from a London sewer, Taco Bell plans to expand its tests of its new waffle taco. If a sewer can be cleaned, why not customers' arteries?
Obama chides Putin
As payback for Russia's asylum for whistleblower Edward Snowden, President Obama threatened to stay home and pout rather than attend Moscow summit, as Obama had previously planned to do.
Jennifer Aniston panics about stripper role
Just as she's set to take on a stripper role in a new film, Jennifer Aniston admits to panicking as she wonders, Are my breasts up to it?
"W" no longer heartless
Compassionate conservative George W. Bush received a heart during a recent operation. Surgeons say there's a 50-50% chance his body won't reject it as "foreign material."
US sees slight decline in obesity among poor children
First change seen from changing pink slime to red slime with vitamins B added.
Drunk A Hero
A soused customer coming out of nightclub saved three people from burning car. When told this morning what he had done he replied, "I did WHAT?"
Condom ad shows men the consequences of unprotected sex
In a word: babies.
Huge blaze shuts Kenya's main airport
Apparently star farted....fire started when the two ground keepers rubbed two flint rocks together.
A guy has a bad office day. Homeward, he hits 105 mph. A motorcycle cop stops him, giving him a $150 ticket.
Stressed out and "wife scared," the dude keels over and dies from a "traffic infarction."
Tons of tainted water leaking into ocean from Fukushima
Can even Greenpeace be bought off? Why are we worried over candy wrapper on highway?
Marilyn Monroe called Jackie Kennedy about JFK affair, book claims
Teddy Roosevelt smoke two joints a day. Abraham Lincoln called his own poop, Lincoln Logs, ancestors may sue over copyright! You can write anything about dead people who cannot defend themselves.
Romney warns against gov't shutdown
In speech in New Hampshire, former GOP presidential nominee warned congressional Republicans against letting emotions drive their decisions. Response: "Kiss It!"
Yemen likely location of planned Al Qaeda attack
Makes sense since that's where we sent the drone attack! Duh!
Powering the Future: Underwater turbines harness river power
Also help move crap out to the ocean! It's a winner for everyone but the oceans.
Should you get screened for blocked artery?
Are you nuts? You can't shot out of anything that's blocked an it would explode! I'm sorry, that should be artery. It wouldn't hurt. Well, some. But nothing like standing beside a blocked artillery!
Eye Opener: Obama addresses global terror threat
"What is wrong with the New York Yankees, I don't know. But..I think I have the wrong teleprompter. Oh, here's what I think: That house in Cleveland should have...will you guys wake up over there?"
Obama: I hate it when Putin calls me Osama!"
George W. Bush: Don't worry about it. I butchered every Russian's name I ever met.
Miley Cyrus names new album
Apparently it is to be called "I Am The Bad Annette Funicello!"
Several Mennonites Injured
Usually peaceful group get into massive rake fight after one family was shunned. No one was seriously injured.
Rush Limbaugh Has Brain-Eating Amoeba
"Now he can really say "With half my brain tied behind my back", jokes liberal U.S. Senator.
Congressman with brain-eating amoeba returns
"You cannot tell any difference than usual", say U.S. Representatives.
Japan launches massive warship
The "Godzilla" will make several port stops wherever it can to be shown off.
Dramamine sales up with govt officials
Dramamine sales are rising as Fed Reserve Chairman candidate Larry Summers and his Wall Street friends deal with the motion sickness from the revolving door between private and government jobs.
Sex offenders put back on the street
Ten are already dead after hookers trick them to come up to the roof for some action. Then get pushed off. Police turn backs.
Obama talks terror with Leno
"No, no. I had no trouble with anything under the bed. It was the thing in the closet that kept me awake at night", says President.
Penis Robber Make Off With Whopper
A Nameless Porn star says he is ruined in more ways than one. Police searching for someone who is a friend of docs.
Obama cancels talks with Putin
"All he ever does is talk about his sexual conquests, flex his muscles", says President.
O.J. Simpson Doing OK, Say Docs!
Simpson apparently victim of "Tipping" incident during the night. Says he will definitely try to drop some pounds. "Don't see how cows manage it but maybe 4 legs help", he tells reporters.
Report Just In!
Lake 10,001 discovered in northern Minnesota!
Latest Thrill in NYC
If given approval: New reality show will feature average people on plane landing in the Hudson River.
Terrorist Report Out
One surprise: There are some airlines with a safety record that not even terrorists will get on.
New Aussie Study Out
Report: Numbers of kangaroos are growing by leaps and bounds!
Fake Pilots of Small Planes Arrested in Pennsylvania
"With the beards and all, we thought they were Amish", says Airport Security Guard at small Yoderville Airport..
NYC Lab Rats Escape!
Immediately killed and eaten by big brothers on the street!
Man saves dog from sinking ship, then goes back for wife
"Hope the children and grand children hold on. There's still the cat you know!"
New training center cultivating WWE's next crop
Some of the upcoming champs: Billy Ache, The Dickster, Dr. Death, The Incredible Punisher, Boss Rat!, others similar to comic books characters.
Harried Phone Survey Taker Pleads For A Little Respect
Most people say they have no respect for calls interrupting family meals, get-togethers, sleeping after night shift. "If not for politicians, I'd rank them right at the bottom", says one interviewee.
U.S Military is having problems with atheists
None of them will dig a foxhole because of being afraid they would be converted.
Fire shuts Kenya's main airport, chokes regional gateway
ll three planes told to land somewhere else temporarily.
Demolition begins on Ohio house in kidnapping case
Just as soon as all the demons are driven out.
McCain meets with Muslim Bros in Egypt.
Most Americans had no idea that some of McCain's brothers were Muslim!
LENO: 'How about solving the problems that brought our country to a halt?'
Obama: Sometimes you just have to stop and smell the crappola!
Odds of dying in terrorist attack 'a lot lower than dying in a car accident
Unless, of course, the big bomb hits and there's a retaliation that destroys the whole earth. Then you would have to rethink these odds.
South Korea's roads power cars as they drive
Now, all they need are the automobiles.
Al Roker sleeps in
Al Roker missed his show, Wake Up with Al because he didn't wake up with Al. He forgot to set his alarm or was still passed out from the night before, colleagues say: "With Al, no one knows for sure."
Nigerian Legislature To Consider Affirmative Action Bill
The National Assembly of Nigeria is set to debate a new affirmative action bill which will dramatically affect every segment of government and civilian life. Details were not available at press time.
Obama Says He Always Sees Containers As Half Full
While the rest of the country sees the honey pot so full of crap it's running over the top and across the room.
What We Have Here Is A Failure To Communicate
Cellphones acting up at different places all across United States and several other western countries.
Bill Clinton Won't Touch Weiner
Why, has he caught something really bad this time? Maybe he should send Weiner Monica's number.
U.S. Department of Health Overrun By Bed Bugs
That's just about the best statement yet on condition of the country. I hope they all descend on Washington DC and the United Nations Building.
ABC newsperson who switched genders wants to switch back
Told "Sorry. We threw that thing away. No one would have it. You can't blame them. Don't think we can reverse process. Looks like you're stuck in neutral."
McCain meets with Muslim Bros in Egypt
Nothing personal but why is McCain all over the planet but here in the U.S.? Does he secretly want to be a POW again?
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