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Rating:

Twenty Year Dream of Elvis Imitator Comes True!

George Ellis Henry, an Elvis impersonator came true when this past Thursday, he was found dead in the bathroom while on the commode!

written by Bureau, 29 August 2013
Rating:

Phoenix Woman Finds Rat Tail in Italian Dish

"I was eating my favorite Franco-Spaghetti-o & there was this strange looking noodle & it turned out to be a rat's tail! Asked if she will ever eat them again, she told press, "Only if they're free!"

written by Bureau, 29 August 2013
Rating:

U.S. Officials say 'no smoking gun' implicating Assad in chemical attack

All those videos of 1,000 people being gassed, in hospitals, morgues and graves were faking.

written by Bureau, 29 August 2013
Rating:

............what an artiste!

Is there no end to Rolf Harris' musical talents? Hit songwriter, singer, virtuoso on didgeridoo and wobble-board, and now we find out he's also an expert fiddler.

written by Herrdoktorfox, 29 August 2013
Rating:

Study Finds Link Between Losing Sports Teams, Heavier Fans

Cleveland, Houston full of porkers who have nothing to do during game but eat and drink beer.

written by Bureau, 29 August 2013
Rating:

Starbucks Fires Employee For Eating Expired Sandwich From Trash Can

"He was just trying to get sick and sue", says manager.

written by Bureau, 29 August 2013
Rating:

McDonald's Employees Want $15 an Hour #2

"After all, I spent at least two weeks training to flip burgers and give the right change the register told me to give", says striker.

written by Bureau, 29 August 2013
Rating:

McDonald's Employees Want $15 an Hour

President of company says the only way that will happen is for hamburgers to be $3.00 each. "We'll just hire illegals."

written by Bureau, 29 August 2013
Rating:

Weiner Has Company

Harry Johnson has announced that he too may run for the mayor of New York City. Harry, who has served in several lower offices has a wife, Lovey Johnson and two children.

written by Bureau, 29 August 2013
Rating:

Bono Saves The World

Bono has saved the world from yet another fund-raiser for the "Near Martyrs" in Iraq who didn't die in their explosion.

written by Bureau, 29 August 2013
Rating:

Genetically Modifed Brussel Sprouts Singing

Or at least that's what guy tells girlfriend at grocery the "low bass noise" was that came from near his rear. "I wish they would stop fooling around with our food. Stinks too."

written by Bureau, 29 August 2013
Rating:

College Student Busts Ass

After beer party several college males in Alabama got into a car and one of them tried to moon 3 girl students but fell out of the crowded car. Sues college for not posting "Mooning Hazards!" sign.

written by Bureau, 29 August 2013
Rating:

Holiday in Syria

A real Gas!

written by j.w., 29 August 2013
Rating:

Baseball Rule Change Allows Coaches, Managers to Bring Interpreter to Mound

Whitey Ford: "I wish the Yankees had someone to come out when my catcher Yogi Berra would come to the mound for a chat. Never knew what he was saying or what it meant."

written by Bureau, 29 August 2013
Rating:

USINESS Exposed: Subway's "Footlong" Only 11 Inches

Actor Ron Jeremy seen fleeing from the measurement scene!

written by Bureau, 29 August 2013
Rating:

Study: Diet Drinks Linked to Depression

Of course they are linked to depression. Fat people are depressed about weight so they begin drinking diet drinks. Lots of food linked to depression also, especially desserts!

written by Bureau, 29 August 2013
Rating:

Catherine Zeta-Jones, Michael Douglas Break Up

Douglas states that Zeta-Jones "Is that a peanut in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?" was the final straw!

written by Bureau, 29 August 2013
Rating:

Tomatoes Have 7,000 More Genes Than Humans

Especially Red Hot Tomatoes in tight genes!

written by Bureau, 29 August 2013
Rating:

Many Americans Asking Obama Same Question

"Mister President, when are WE going to get issued OUR gas mask?"

written by Bureau, 29 August 2013
Rating:

More Bad News For Economy

Latest group facing shutdowns are Shade-Tree Mechanics, Back of the Country Store Barbers and Granny Babysitters!

written by Bureau, 29 August 2013
Rating:

Home Grown Drones

Washington trying to prevent people from making their own drones from info now online. Limbaugh asks the question: "Will nerds rule the world?"

written by Bureau, 29 August 2013
Rating:

Obama Says U.S. Economy is Ready to Boom!

That either means we're going to begin making a lot more weapons for war in Syria or that even more people are purchasing guns here in America.

written by Bureau, 29 August 2013
Rating:

Could Syria become a quagmire?

What? The whole Middle East is in a quagmire!

written by Bureau, 29 August 2013
Rating:

Switzerland: Zurich launches 'sex drive-ins'

"We did that seventy years or so ago", says old guy in small town in Georgia, who used to flashlight parked cars during movies.

written by Bureau, 29 August 2013
Rating:

NK leader's ex-lover executed

That's one sure way of breaking up a romance!

written by Bureau, 29 August 2013
Rating:

Fast food strikes hit 50 cities

Usual customers wandering around like zombies looking for a burger joint.

written by Bureau, 29 August 2013
Rating:

Woman Who Enjoys Fondling Other Women Lands Dream Job At TSA

After a series of unsatisfying jobs in dog training and camping equipment sales, Michelle finally got a job with the TSA that allows her to touch women's private parts during the workday.

written by Moe Nightwalker, 29 August 2013
Rating:

Toronto mayor says has smoked 'a lot of' marijuana

"It doesn't interfere with the decisions that I make", he tells reporters. "It doesn't interfere with the decisions I make." "Have you noticed that statement has a green glow around it?"

written by Bureau, 29 August 2013
Rating:

................never mind the 'roo sport, tie me down!

Rolf Harris heading for the stairway to the prison showers, he won't be the only one playing his didgeridoo from now on!

written by Herrdoktorfox, 29 August 2013
Rating:

Tiny Okla. town tries to rid water supply of worms

"Look, they're even in our Tequila!", says horrified health worker.

written by Bureau, 29 August 2013
Rating:

Las Vegas casino seeks to evict raunchy nightclub

"What if the kids were with us going to our rooms and saw Miley Cyrus doing that in there?", ask parents.

written by Bureau, 29 August 2013
Rating:

Fast-food protests under way

Employees and customers alike say that there should be actual beef in hamburgers! "Do you want fries with that?...Sorry, force of habit!"

written by Bureau, 29 August 2013
Rating:

Age-Related Forgetfulness Tied to Diminished Brain Protein

Also harder to chew according to zombies!

written by Bureau, 29 August 2013
Rating:

Volunteers Headed for Syria?

A huge group from U.S. and several other countries are headed for Syria. "Best place on earth to make Meth", says cockeyed leader.

written by Bureau, 29 August 2013
Rating:

Syrians Ask For Help

Say that the leader of big spiders has a head that looks like Chemical Ali!

written by Bureau, 29 August 2013
Rating:

'Constitution Requires Congressional Authorization on Use of Force in Syria'

Votes to be cast on chads that might hang up in counter after being punched!

written by Bureau, 29 August 2013
Rating:

Russia sends warships

Pissing contest begins immediately! France backs off tough statements, to no one's surprise!

written by Bureau, 29 August 2013
Rating:

NYT: 'No smoking gun' that links Assad to attacks

Like Yogi said: It's deja vu all over again!

written by Bureau, 29 August 2013
Rating:

Bad News For Assad

Syrian leader told that chemical leaks into spider holes have produced big six-legged freaks!

written by Bureau, 29 August 2013
Rating:

Rolf Harris Charged With Indecent Assault

Police Officers hand over arrest warrant to Rolf Harris and ask "Can you tell what it is yet?"

written by Herr Riballs, 29 August 2013
Rating:

President Obama Signs Executive Order Raising Minimum Wage to $100 Per Hour

President Obama issued an executive order, raising the minimum wage from $7.25 to $100/hr. Democrats demanded the minimum wage be raised to $200 - Republicans wanted the minimum wage to be abolished.

written by Moose, 29 August 2013
Rating:

Bay City Robbers?!

Former teen idols, The Bay City Rollers, are reuniting to perform a couple of bank robberies in inner city London. "We need the cash" said lead singer Dave (surname deleted for legal reasons). Blimey!

written by whatinthe world, 29 August 2013
Rating:

After New Orleans Team Change Name to Pelicans

New Denver WNBA team will go by "The Denver Dildos".

written by Bureau, 29 August 2013
Rating:

Berlusconi Defends Mussolini For Supporting Hitler

Makes sense. Why wouldn't a crazy man defend another crazy man over his support of a crazy-ass lunatic?

written by Bureau, 29 August 2013
Rating:

Scientists Get A Laugh

Nuke-leaking into ocean, chemical warfare, nuclear terrorists, cyber attacks & people are worried about running out of fossil fuel? Hey! We'll all be dead long before that? We will BE the fossil fuel!

written by Bureau, 29 August 2013
Rating:

Off To A Bad Start & Going Down Hill Since

Right after Obama's first eggnog geration and Madonna or a clone lip-sync the Nation Anthem, President has been lip sincing the Presidency ever since.

written by Bureau, 29 August 2013
Rating:

Latest In Sports

Within the next ten years, the large Mexican and American Sumo Wrestlers will rival that of Japan!

written by Bureau, 29 August 2013
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