Spoof news snippets from Friday 16 August 2013
Florida Gators Very Interested in One-Armed H.S. Phenom -
But Florida State Seminoles' coaches say they're doubling down - they'd rather have a really great two-armed player.
War Dancing Breaking Out In Middle East
"Hard to sit still with all the war drums and saber rattling going on over here", says local man in Cairo!
Bird Flu Sometimes Spread From Cars
Every time your car gets dive-bombed, you wipe off the poop. Then you forget to wash your hands before eating at KFC! Or you could get a direct hit while looking up at the sky.
Free Shave a Baseball Players Legs Night!
"We thought it might get the fans and team together", says Houston Astros manager. Might have gone better if other way around."
Adult obesity rate in US holds steady: report
Butt still a little wobbly in the rear and belly. Breasts more steady with enlarged stomach.
NSA aggressively reviews any privacy breach: official
Then how do you know so much about people all over the USA? It looks like you're taking down notes on everyone, especially those you don't like. Like a group for freedom!
Leaders call on EU to condemn Egypt violence, review ties
"Where were the leaders of the EU while our people were protesting Morsi?, asks soldier
First 3D Copied Pistol Shoots Successfuly
Shooter arrested as he shot the gun at a mechanical deer placed there to catch hunters out of season poaching.
A city donut shop holdup has led police to find secret tunnel which they follow to home of Kirsty Alley.
Same Operation, Different Hospital Costs
Next time you get rushed to emergency room, ask medics if you can run in and compare prices if you're not dead yet.
Chris Christie To Weigh His Weiner
I'm sorry. That should be "Chris Christie To Weigh His Chances!" "Says he's consulting with his great aunt Agatha! Nothing here about any weiner."
"Good Morning America! We're All Gonna Die!"
ABC fluff news at all-time low. "Planet falling apart say scientists. Meanwhile that little Lohan girl did another dirty. Egypt in Civil War! But when we return, girls get ready for Bieber!"
Pete Rose Quote
"I was banned from betting. These guys cheater other players and teams from winning illegally."
Report: A-Rod camp leaked docs implicating Braun
"See, they're all just as bad as I am." More and more fans want the cheaters out!
Saudi king calls on Arabs to stand with Egypt
Most are asking, "Which Egypt?"
Teacher's Pet Kiss Ass Labeled Most Like to Succeed
"It's true. All she has to do is treat boss the same way she treats male teachers", says classmate.
New Theory: Humans Hunted, Ate Neanderthals
"If you can't beat them, eat them" phrase of the time..in chimp talk.
Siamese Twins Into It Again
Now Bo claims Luke has stolen his identify!
France apologizes to vegans!
"We got our labels mixed and marked ground horse meat as "Tofu Burger."
Streaker in New York Arrested!
"I did it to point out that we are being bugged to death by FBI, CIA and others and that I was completely clean."
President: Latest on Guantanamo bay
Obama promises to carry through with his pledge to keep his promise to close it down.
Arab League asks Israel to bomb Egypt
"It will distract them from fighting each other and causing the whole Middle East going up in flames!"
New Sign at most Business and Store Bathrooms
"NO Shoes, No shirt, No Shit!"
Retired CPA & Wife Argue!
"I knew it would be hard having him here all day at the house but I wasn't prepared for his model boating hobby and his flooding the entire basement."
After consuming three big brownies at office:
Bruce Banner suddenly gets a big bellyache while at WalMart and realizes he's been had. Right after he runs into the men's bathroom, the Incredible Hulk farts down the entire back wall!
CIA Says A Lot More Chatter Going On Among Al-Qaeda
Mr. T: "How many times have you told us that. I'm getting sick and tired of all this jibber jabber!"
Local Firm Fires Two!
"It wasn't just the huge argument over who the manager of the New York Yankees was during 1995, it was that those two didn't have the sense to check either of their computers not two feet from them."
American Airlines New feature
Not only do oxygen masks drop from above seat if plane suddenly hits air pocket, a new adult diaper has been placed under your seat cushion.
President Obama says we need to snoop some to protect Americans!
Lady on the street: "I just try not to think of any of those bombs and terrorists. Works well for me. '99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottle of beer, take one down, pass it around...hmmm mmm mmm."
Local Man Grounds Son!
"It's bad enough that i caught you playing "Doctor", you had to remove her tonsils!
WalMart's Five-Minute Sale A Bust!
Trial event leaves several trample in the aisles, one slow cashier punched in the face , second kneed in the groin.
Joggers ready for fundraising event
Event to help pay hospital bills for runner attacked while running last year's fundraiser jogging event.
After Bugging Fiasco!
Secret Service will begin to hire town criers to announce possibility of terrorist bombing! "Let's see them hack that", says spokesman.
Next Big Thing Among Teens?
It's the wearing of one shoe only. Sock or no sock is optional according to the tenderness your shoeless foot.
It's Football Season!
No more big-screen get-to-gathers at Lawsons this year, after obese co-worker eats all the snacks before the game begins, he also breaks couch after home team touchdown!
Washington Bailing Out American's Expenses
This time the United States is bailing out customers at having to go to Las Vegas where prostitution and Reno is legal by screwing the average American themselves.
Lady Who Married Conjoined Twin Upset
"I like to dance but Bo and Luke only have two left feet."
Judge Seeking Help On Decision
Conjoined twin guilty of assault. "MY brother Bo here goes and gets married. What am I supposed to do on their honeymoon? I was really stressed", Luke tells judge.
NASCAR Racing audience goes down
Not as many people tuning in after no major wrecks for several weeks now. Look for person in last place to hit the wall soon, or perhaps a pit crew fight.
Several parts left over after conjoined twins separated! Will try to donate.
Amish Secret Teen Buggy Race Reported
Event becomes known after three broken axles, horses running loose, thirteen up for shunning.
Arkansas Woman, Others Defend Oprah
"Those Switz woulden even let her see that old purse. Just shows how they is. You wont see me over there doin any purchasin."
Ky. Governor Still Wants Casinos
"Not only would it bring in many tourist dollars, all those organized crime personnel will need a place to eat, sleep."
Polisher Gives Up!
The third turd polisher for former President Bill Clinton has resigned. "There's just no way. Everyone has a phone these days."
Suicide Bombers Top Award
This years winner of the Suicide Bomber of the Year goes to Ahmed Mohammed of Iraq. The award was granted posthumously.
Some Nations Say U.S. Drones Are Cruel
"Those drones are bad enough before they were programmed to yell "Surprise!' before exploding."
A Hooters in San Diego say they won't serve Mayor Bob Filner because he disrespects women.
"While we at Hooters respect our ladies, especially their top parts."
Islamists take to Egypt streets in defiant protest
While opposing Islamists decide whether to attack again.
NYC Officer Who Asks To Remain Unknown
"Our NYC hotels have more government bugs than bed bugs."
NSA broke privacy rules thousands of times per year: VP Biden
President Obama: Without the bugging, how can we protect you from yourselves?
'Duck Dynasty' sets ratings record
And people wonder why not many watching TV like they once did.
Testicle-biting fish story all wet
"Balls to that" says unidentified fish. "More likely to be the small wormy dangler!"
Man accused of blowing up his dog
Cat "Shultz" claims he knows nothing, nothing about it!
Morrissey missing in Coronation Street
A middle-aged man, answering to the name "Morrissey", is wandering Weatherfield. Please report any information to Mr Kevin Webster, who owns vinyls by Spandau Ballet.
How long is it okay to live with your parents after college?
Poll: Most parents say "Too Long!"
JFK: Revisiting emotional Ireland trip in 1963
This time, as a ghost!
Skepticism as NKorea shows home-grown smartphone
Also how to change lead to gold, coal to diamonds.
Head of Mo. NAACP Calls Clown Mask 'Hate Crime'
While masks of Reagan, Bush and Clinton were for Halloween, robbing banks!
Brotherhood Calls For 'Day of Rage"
To help bring peace in Egypt, the Middle East!
'Incoherent' Obama policy under fire as violence spreads in Egypt
Policy: "Speak softly and carry a three-iron."
NSA broke privacy rules thousands of times per year, even yours
"Oh, we did not!"
Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt could pocket £15 million...
From sale of Hotcourse, the company he co-founded.
You could say he's in rude health. Or you could be really rude by rhyming his surname with another word.
"WHAT A LOAD OF RUBBISH"
Following an appeal on twitter, a Blackpool based Under 15 football team have got a new sponsor - the Tripe Marketing Board
England 3-2 win over Scotland reclassified as 'defeat'
If a bunch of Premier League multi-millionaires can only beat a pub team by 1 goal then it's not really a 'win' is it?
NUTS feel the pinch as magazine sales drop.
Sounds painful. A bit like that time that Vinnie Jones grabbed Gazza by 'em...
Dave Lee Travis charged with 12 sexual offences.
And one additional charge of an exposed hairy cornflake.
Crystal Palace set new football record.
Crystal Palace have officially been relegated from the Premier League without kicking a ball, according to all newspaper previews of the season which starts this weekend.
A level average set to drop.
Next year they will be known as B levels.
Petrol price could fall 2p after bank holiday
Don't spend it all at once!
Premier League start threatened by strike.
A strike by helicopter drivers on the minimum wage could force the delay of the first games of the multi-billion pound Premier League.
Comedy website advertiser offers tips on getting MBE and OBE
First tip: Write less spoof jokes about the Royal Family.
Half-carb bread goes on sale at middle class supermarket
Its only got half the slices.
Skin condition may force Cara Delevinge to quit
Quit what? Does she actually do anything, apart from appear in the newspapers joined at the hip to Rita Ora?
Youtube clips could be given age ratings to shield children
Good idea. Some of those cartoons are far too violent...
Shop assistant says Oprah Winfrey can't afford 25k handbag
Messager to Oprah: Please visit my ebay page, all the handbags are £25,000 this weekend only with free delivery and you can pay by paypal, cash or credit card...
Royal Baby name confirmed as George Alexander Louis
Isn't that the guy who reads the football results?
Killer put photo of wife's body on facebook
Police arrested him before he could upload to twitter, instagram and Craiglist.
Stocks Go Down Again
Report: Jittery stocks go down after nervous Nellies and hand-wringing Harveys pull out.
President's Daughters Knew About Benghazi
However, they say dad ran them off golf course when they tried to tell him. Learned it from Joe Biden's daughter Naomi.
Wrestler "The Bad Habit" in Hospital in Coma
After "Flying Squirrel" picks up the wrong chair! Meanwhile, Bill Clinton's back out again after sitting in the trick chair.
Pentagon Developing Beam Weapon
"It cannot be stopped", says Spokesman from Pentagon. "Mirror? Hadn't thought of that.
U.S. Soon Out of Iraq
Should have left after getting Saddam. Now we're leaving them in a military mess, an economic mess and an average gain of 20 pounds per person eating our food sent over.
Oprah 2: The Plot Thickens! Is Alberto Gonzales Next?
NYC Hotel Kicks Out 'Duck Dynasty' Star After Confusing Him For Homeless Man!
Rand Slams Congress for Funding: 'How Does Your Conscience Feel Now?'
"How does it feel? How does it feel? To be without a home? Like a complete unknown? Like a rolling stone?"
The Government Now Admits There's an 'Area 51'
But all photographs of aliens have been torn out, other large sections destroyed.
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