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Rating:

Seattle Police Will Hand Out Bags of Doritos at 'Hempfest' -

In support of Washington's legalization of marijuana and to aid those with 'the munchies.' - Don't touch the donuts, though!

written by Samuel Vargo, 15 August 2013
Rating:

Question

Why do they call it a tattoo 'parlor'? Why not a den, or a rec room?

written by The Ruling Authority, 15 August 2013
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FDA: Ex-Lax To Change Commercial

From "Doctors recommend 2 to 1" to "Craps and Cramps Just Go Together..(not responsible for accidents)"

written by Bureau, 15 August 2013
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Scientists Say "Warp Drive" Travel at Speeds Faster Than Light Possible

"It would leave all other means of transportation in the dark!"

written by Bureau, 15 August 2013
Rating:

Time of Year Almost Here!

September 1st through 5th: Annual meeting of loners this year is in Arkansas cow pasture.

written by Bureau, 15 August 2013
Rating:

Lohan Back in the News

Apparently she is being sued by designer for wearing fantastic creation backwards.

written by Bureau, 15 August 2013
Rating:

Surprise From Super Villians

Most Feared Superhero? Bladder Boy!

written by Bureau, 15 August 2013
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Local Proctologist Puzzled

Receives over 200 Christmas cards and 150 cards and gifts sent for birthday. Mystery request on his favorite radio station, "Nobody Does It Better".

written by Bureau, 15 August 2013
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Straight From the Horse's Mouth

Mr. Ed to do new burger commercials for Burger King! "You'll want to kick up your heels, Wilbur!"

written by Bureau, 15 August 2013
Rating:

Hallmark Cards Adds New Line

Hallmark Cards has just released it's new, "Sorry About Leaving the Lid Up Again" line.

written by Bureau, 15 August 2013
Rating:

New "Dummy" Book Not Selling Well

"Bibliophobia For Dummies" may be pulled from shelves any day now.

written by Bureau, 15 August 2013
Rating:

Grain For Chickens Withdrawn

After farmers say it's left most of their roosters hen-pecked!

written by Bureau, 15 August 2013
Rating:

Customers In Shock

Ghost of bin Laden seen at Home Depot Garden Section being chased by mob of ugly virgins!

written by Bureau, 15 August 2013
Rating:

More Rural Post Offices To Close

One visited in Alaska to tell postmaster find that he had been dead for three months, frozen, one postage due letter in whole building.

written by Bureau, 15 August 2013
Rating:

Government may require "stamps" from postal system for Emails

One-Year-Stamps for $20 allows you to send all the emails you want. Other communications being studied.

written by Bureau, 15 August 2013
Rating:

Government Sends Out Ten Million Notices

Bulletins show how average American can help save our trees by using e-mail instead of paper correspondence.

written by Bureau, 15 August 2013
Rating:

Goth Group Sued Over Flag

A Pest Control company take Goths to court over use of "Black Flag"!

written by Bureau, 15 August 2013
Rating:

Muppet charges priest with molestation

"He had his hand all over me", says Muppet who asked that his/her name not be released.

written by Bureau, 15 August 2013
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Old 1960 Rock Group Tour Cancelled

Lead guitarist discovers that he's the only one still alive or in a nursing home.

written by Bureau, 15 August 2013
Rating:

Pete Seeger Still Alive

"We had called the family in when suddenly we heard this banjo picking and 'This Land Is Your Land", says hospital staff.

written by Bureau, 15 August 2013
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Woman Charged With Assaulting Singer at Blues Fest

"He was singing awful things about us women", she tells police. "Said he was done wrong. I never seen him before."

written by Bureau, 15 August 2013
Rating:

President Criticizes Egyptian Military

Kerry tempers earlier praise of Egypt's military. "I wish he would get off the golf course long enough to tell me what to say"

written by Bureau, 15 August 2013
Rating:

Grandma Gives Birth to Twin Granddaughters

East Tenn. grandmother trying to solve relationships. "Am I my own daughter? Will these 2 one day give birth to their Uncles, Aunts? I don't think even the Mormons could straightened out this mess!"

written by Bureau, 15 August 2013
Rating:

"Underdog" takes lead in NYC's mayoral race

"I won't be so Snoopy in other people's lives", he promises!

written by Bureau, 15 August 2013
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President Cuts U.S. Debt in Half

"Paper dollars will only be worth 50 cents but $1 coin worth full dollar", he tells anyone who still listens.

written by Bureau, 15 August 2013
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Study: Facebook Makes People Feel Worse About Life

Concludes that the main reason is that all they do is talk on Facebook all day instead of getting out seeing people, enjoying life.

written by Bureau, 15 August 2013
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Drone Industry: Don't call Them Drones

A "Predator B unmanned aircraft" is the correct name for all these drones, drone makers tell reporters there to see the drones.

written by Bureau, 15 August 2013
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President Orders Five Percent Tax on All Taxes!

"That should allow us six more months to come up with another delay on paying off debts.

written by Bureau, 15 August 2013
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Rand Paul Would Be Aggressive President

"The first thing I'd do is cancel all foreign debt by calling in "favors" offered and owed us after two world wars."

written by Bureau, 15 August 2013
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Pelosi Pushes To Make California Sanctuary For Illegals.

Requests $100 Billion from U.S. Government, China!

written by Bureau, 15 August 2013
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Tropical Storm Erin Forms in Atlantic, Forecast to Strengthen.

Could become Tropical Storm 2 as Weather Channel naming runs rampant. Meanwhile, Waterspout Cuddles hit restaurant in Florida yesterday causing napkins to fall off outdoor tables.

written by Bureau, 15 August 2013
Rating:

Hundreds of Dead Fish Found in Pond at National Mall

CIA immediately calls in specialist, Aquaman!

written by Bureau, 15 August 2013
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'Peaceful' protesters torch Coptic Christian churches.

Wonder what the violent ones are doing?

written by Bureau, 15 August 2013
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Islamic group vows to bring down 'military coup'

Your choice of Islamic Group, which Military Coup and Nation!

written by Bureau, 15 August 2013
Rating:

Weiner Has Close Call

NYC candidate receives shipment of 'testicle-eating' pacu fish that had instructions "Will nibble away old dead skin when placed in bathtub."

written by Bureau, 15 August 2013
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Paris Hilton is not a dumb blonde

During a recent book signing in Milton Keynes, Paris Hilton announced that being a dumb blonde was only an act. "You're just not that good an actress," said one member of the audience.

written by IainB, 15 August 2013
Rating:

Wiliam Shatner Has Been Using Same Full Service Travel Agency Since 1969

Larry's List Price Travel in Burbank has been Mr. Shatner's go-to travel agent since his "Star Trek" days. Captain Kirk admits that he's never actually used a computer for anything.

written by Moe Nightwalker, 15 August 2013
Rating:

Leno, Letterman, Fallon and O'Brien to Leave Late-Night if Weiner Loses

Late night television hosts, Jay Leno, David Letterman, Jimmy Fallon and Conan Obrien have announced they will step down if Anthony Weiner does not win his bid to become Mayor of New York City.

written by Moose, 15 August 2013
Rating:

A man has been charged with punching a police horse -

when fans clashed with police following a Tyne-Wear derby. The poor horse thought he was attending a game, not a boxing match.

written by Samuel Vargo, 15 August 2013
Rating:

PFC Bradley Manning Sent Captain A Photo of Himself in a Dress, Wearing Lipstick -

And if he ends up in prison for leaking U.S. secrets dolled up like this, he'll be a delicious diva.

written by Samuel Vargo, 15 August 2013
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