Spoof news snippets from Wednesday 14 August 2013
And another One's Gone!
The United states Navy SEALS announced today that they have finally eliminated al-Qaeda #007!
Micky D Admits Ribs Fake
Mickey D's admitted that there is no rib meat in their McRibs. "We buy a perfume from Poland and spray the McRib smell add spoonful of BBQ for flavor on whatever extra meat we have around."
Weiner Stood up!
Anthony Weiner was the only one that showed up at this week's proposed NYC Mayor Debate.
Mexico Booming Economy
Hottest at present: Pinatas selling like hotcakes to Middle Eastern countries who have ran out of Effigies to burn.
Realistic Dolls Now Personal
New Japanese Company say they can create perfect "Placebo Girl" of woman who turned down your marriage proposal! Thus far, 500 have stated that Jessica Alba turned them down.
Change In TV Guides
From now on, all program ratings will include that of the Amish, Mennonite.
Big Changes In Middle East
Women Martyrs promised 100 pool boys in their next life!
New Spiderman Movie?
Rumors out of Hollywood is that there is going to be a new Spiderman to be released next Spring. The title seems to be "Spiderman Versus Granddaddy Longlegs".
New tool peeks into brain to measure consciousness
In testing thus far, politicians are mostly asleep on their feet!
Rabbits made to glow in the dark
"Guess I won't be needing this night scope anymore", says one hunter.
San Diego Hooters bans mayor
We don't approve of that kind of conduct in here. Plus, it might be too much for him if he's trying to recover.
Pope Francis Makes Another Key Change
All choirboys will wear special bracelets to alert police to anything going on!
Playboy Magazine To defy Odds And Increase sales
Mostly by allowing you to download a 3D copy of Playmate of the Month!
Weiner At It Again
And this time he's using 3D download photos of "Li'l Weiner"!
Study: "Growing Up Poor Raises Chances of Smoking"
So smoke 'em while ya' have 'em. You won't be poor as long.
Cleveland Browns not ready to name starting QB -
They haven't pulled a guy off the street yet.
Tony Romo called 'thief' and 'loser' by NFL defensive end Travis Johnson -
Actually, those are good things to tack on to an NFL resume. That might be the ticket into the Hall of Fame.
Bruce Willis claims explosions are the most boring thing about his acting job -
No Bruce, your movies are.
Labour Leader Ed Miliband pelted with eggs in campaign visit to south London -
The egg thrower said he was simply 'opportunistic' and now has the opportunity of spending some time in jail.
Google says not to expect privacy with emails -
So switch to Yahoo, Outlook, Bluebottle, or another email carrier for any Weinering activity.
Cory Booker wins Democrat primary, reveals he groped female, then announces run for NYC Mayor
Corry Booker, Mayor of Newark, announced today that he had groped a female friend, and that put's him in a position to run for New York City Mayor.
Leahy, NSA clash over number of thwarted plots
Leahy says maybe two, NSA say over 10,000.
White House denounces Egypt crackdown, but little action seen
President asked about his feelings. "I think I never should have used that pitching wedge on the 6th hole."
Egypt: 'Massive military assault on largely unarmed civilians'
Tear gas, choppers, armored vehicles, bulldozers...Muslim Bros demands Morsi return to power...'Government Thugs Beat Me Up'...Obama hits links.
Yesterday it was rodeo clown with Obama masks tumbling. Today it's the stock.
Old Nemesis Back
Mean pet cat taken down a ball or two, has developed of jumping on crouch during the middle of the night!
In Case of National Disaster
Good old McDonald's offers new "decaburgers" with ten years shelf life.
Americans Plead for Help from Willie Nelson, Neil Young
We need the biggest fundraiser yet, for those broke and sick after ObamaCare!
Snowden Better Not Come Back To USA
Thousands vow vengeance for revealing their new names, locations.
Weiner Left Hanging!
After telling favorite antidote, no applause, no whispers, just a low fart heard at the back of the crowd
New Song Hits Top 100
It's "Proud To Be An American Priest" by Lee Greenwood.
After Mystery Priest Helps Girl from Wreck, 3 New Shows
Three different cable networks to feature, "Priest By Accident", "Priest Man" and "Priest From Nowhere".
Several Masons Marked in Arkansas
Idiot Masonic Lodge was actual haunted house last Halloween. Several seeking phychiatrist.
Weiner To Hang In There!
Told by supporters that soon or later, things will perk up!
Weiner Promises More Sight Seerers!
We'll get actors in their late careers like on the 'Love boat' or 'Murder She Wrote' and pay them to walk around Manhattan. Tourists will be dilled...thrilled.
Weiner Gets Powered Package!
Package contained Anthrax! Weiner celebrates fact that someone thinks he might win election! "Of course, it could be old girlfriend."
Ugly Boss Finally Retiring
Employees give him a big send-off including fresh baked brownies with pot and laxatives! "Ding Dong, The Witch is Dead!"
Local Man Sued For Theft
A local man was sued in court yesterday for trying to sell the songs he said he had written, "You Ain't Nothing But A Pound Dog", "Free Turd" and "Just Another Cog In The Wheel".
Oprah Having Swiss Problems
Oprah was shopping in Switzerland and a Swiss clerk refused to show her a $38,000 purse. "Then I'll just take my Billion Dollar Ass somewhere else!"
New Cherokee Leader Elected
"Talking Bull" says the great spirits and the usual political malarkey won it for him.
Oklahoma governor says won't intervene quickly in Cherokee adoption case #2
"I must keep asking myself, "What Would Tony Hillerman do?"
Mike Tyson Jumps Into New York City Mayoral Race
Shortly after being named "Power Player of the Week" by Fox News's Mike Wallace, Mike Tyson announced that he will be jumping into the New York City Mayoral Race.
Oklahoma governor says won't intervene quickly in Cherokee adoption case
"First we need to go to a sweat lodge and do the traditional ceremonies."
President pledges new limits on press
President Obama called Friday for greater control and more oversight of America's extensive press, including newspapers, websites and Costco flyers.
Should men be worried about the 'testicle-eating' pacu fish? #3
The new situation has dogs and cats rolling in the yard with laughter! What goes around comes around", says talking dog.
Should men be worried about the 'testicle-eating' pacu fish? #2
Might slow the worlds overpopulation explosion a bit.
Should men be worried about the 'testicle-eating' pacu fish?
I would guess more men than women, except for maybe, Hilary Clinton.
What Papa John's Doesn't Want You to Know About Their Food
It's Soylent Green isn't it? We're all cannibals! Bet it's the same for all those fast food restaurants! I'm going to be sick! I'm going to be sick!
2012 Data Confirms Earth In Cooling Trend
Michael Moore to do movie: "Our Children Will Freeze to Death!"
Zero Attendance for 'Climate Change' Rally
Everybody has become sick to death of Al "Chicken Little" Gore and the fat film maker.
CIA admits to snooping on Noam Chomsky
Also, Miss America contestants in dressing rooms. Playmates of the Year! Special Swimsuit Edition of Playboy!
Obama Says He's Concentrating on Where to Dump Nuclear Waste
But first have busy schedule looming after vacation, like meeting with 1972 Miami Dolphins, big golf event.
Some Adult Stores Selling Weiner Bobble Heads
But it's the other head that bobbles when you pick it up!
Obama Feasts on Fried Shrimp, Fried Oysters, Onion Rings #2
Kid quickly takes snapshot to place on Facebook!
Obama Feasts on Fried Shrimp, Fried Oysters, Onion Rings
Body Guards get fruit, yogurt cups and orange juice.
Feds misprint $30 billion in $100 bills; taxpayers foot bill to destroy #3
Fired employees ass pictured on the back on Ben Franklin!
Feds misprint $30 billion in $100 bills; taxpayers foot bill to destroy.#2
"We forgot and placed Chinese Leader on the front. We knew they will all get to China eventually."
Feds misprint $30 billion in $100 bills; taxpayers foot bill to destroy.
Most had big smiling Weiner on them!
Report: Another Child Molester Takes Cyanide Pill After Conviction
"They need to take those BEFORE they molest a child", says psychologist!
Rand Paul dodges question: 'I'm not a birther'.
"I was found in the cabbage patch by a stork. Hasn't your parents told you anything?"
NSA: Michelle & Hilary Already Been Told
Former President Clinton loaded down with a huge plate of burgers & fries accidentally bumps into President Obama with full plate of deep fried seafood. "Seems like I've seen you before. Both laugh!"
Maybe if he'd ordered fries with that?
A Hooters restaurant refuses to serve San Diego's sex-addicted mayor, Bob Filner, fearing he may not have meant chicken when he ordered "a breast and a thigh."
After all, there are a lot of sickos in the Golden State
California's Gov. Moonbeam Brown is annoyed at the feds for seizing $2.5 million worth of pot that the cash-strapped state was growing in Topanga State Park for sale for patients' "medical use."
Anthony Weiner offers "services" to Hillary Clinton
Anthony Weiner seeks a role in Hillary Clinton's likely 2016 presidential campaign. "I can keep Bill busy," he said. "All he needs is a couple photos of his presidential staff, and the rest is easy."
Calfornia's transgender rights law lets students determine own sex and gender
Gov. "Moonbeam" Brown signed into law a bill that lets students pick their sex and gender based on whether they prefer to pee seated or standing. The law's a favorite topic among stand-up comics.
Motor City's cops look after their own
Detroit is bankrupt, but it has spent thousands to identify and communicate its female police officers' bra sizes. Commander Love defended the expenditure: "That sort of information is priceless."
Michelle Obama's "poetic" message to America's children
Michelle Obama and her husband's speechwriters are releasing a rap album about eating vegetables. The lyrics are X-rated, and include the chorus, "Doan be fat!/ Eat yo f**kin' spinach, brat!"
San Diego Mayor leaves therapy amid sexual harassment allegations
Look out ladies, Mister Whipple, the squeezer, back on the streets.
Cross Your Fingers
Trained monkeys now wearing space-type suits and pushing buttons at Oak Ridge, Tennessee nuclear facility.
Sneeze Guard Fails
Sneeze Guard no match for hurling 300-pound fifth tripper!
Ms. Vickie's Health Food Store Gone
Now, "Betty Sue's" Do-Nut Shop" with special polish sausage and egg breakfast sandwiches.
Obama Rant Serves Purpose
A right wing rant against the President in the newspaper serves both new puppy from pound and it's owner. "Do your stuff Sparky. Crap on the silly writer! I might just join you."
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