Spoof news snippets from Monday 12 August 2013
Oprah Pays For Fries And Shake With Gold Bar At Zurich McDonalds
"I hope you have correct change. I want this delivered to my private jet at the airport," said the Queen of Talk.
What's next for "Big Blue", the Jeopardy star?
Latest report is that he's been challenged by "Big Green" from the back of a college refrigerator in Michigan.
Manitoba Wendy's Drops "T-Rex Burger" From Menu
"It's just too hard to kill one of those things!", says one owner.
Facebook Accidentally Releases Six Million Users' Personal Information to Other Users
Pics of many of them naked posing for husband, sitting on commode, kicking at wife's dog, 10,000 Weiner shots!
American Medical Association Recognizes Obesity as a Disease
"No one ever wanted to talk about the elephant in the room", says spokesman.
New England Patriots Owner Still Says Putin Stole His Super Bowl Ring
Also, billfold, watch, underwear and penis ring.
U.S., Taliban Plan To Meet for First Time
United States to present priceless Buddha Statue they can destroy as a good will gesture.
FBI Admits It Operates Drones
Spokesman: We started out with prototypes Al Gore and Dan Quail.
Many Americans crossing over border secretly
Say they will be treated better by US Government if they are coming back as immigrants.
Putin: Syrian Rebels Eating Whole Families
Syrian Rebels: "Putin has more gas than Assad! Are you going to mail us some ricin powder?"
Kim Jong Un Very Very Happy
According to reports, North Korea has actually shot down a misguided tourist in a lawn chair. First time missile hits anything but the ocean. No one knows victim. Kim says he may send DNA to US.
Foster Quagmire Sent to Egypt
Quagmire usually screws things up even worse but Egypt being screwed up already, President Obama says, it can't hurt.
Egypt in A Mess!
It's now down to protesters protesting protesters to the 5th power. Bob Dylan, Joan Baez turning down some great offers. "I'm a Jew, remember?", says Dylan.
3D Printer Delivers Knockout Version of Maryln Monroe! #2
Elton John immediately offers one million dollars for her.
3D Printer Delivers Knockout Version of Maryln Monroe!
Dollar signs appears in movie producers eyes. Out-Of-Work Line appears to Actors!
First Family Glad to have Bo at Martha's Vineyard
Unknown to most Americans, Bo had gone missing and Obama family had thought he had been taken by Snowden.
US pays $1.5m to help Brazilian women quit smoking.
Bt continue leaving off their tops at the beaches, in the clubs, on the street, doing their washing, planting gardens, picking up kids after school.
Missouri Fair clown draws criticism for Obama mask
Wife asks him to remove it. "You want your face to set like that?
More Job Openings In Florida
Florida says that they can use several hundred clean-up hands for both Disney and Carnival Cruises. Pays well. Just needs some clean-up after too much food, too much alcohol. You get a rubber suit.
Americans Renouncing Citizenship at Record Levels!
But so far the wharf rats are still here and that's a good sign.
Study shows that most do not want to live 125 years!
What" Spend 30-40 years in the nursing home playing catch the ball, Bingo. Eating blended meals and having your diapers changed afterwards? No thank you!
Study: Longer Breast Feeding Boosts Intelligence
Poll taken of average mother shows that they do not want to have longer breasts no matter how smart the kid gets.
City Police Say Sharp Rise in Pedestrian Deaths Due to Distractions
Or that's what it said on our last tweet!
Study shows dolphins can solve problems, even while blindfolded
Yes, and are more adept at problem solving than stoned and drunk humans, too.
Terror Alert: Tourists Warned to Stay Away From Any American Establishment
"You're not welcome to stay anywhere in France either", Says official!
Tennessee judge Lu Ann Ballew said only Jesus Christ had earned the right to be called Messiah -
So a 7-month-old infant had to have his name changed to Martin. Protests want Judge Lu Ann's name changed, too, saying it sounds too redneck.
The NFL Cutting "Excessive Celebrations" on Field This Year!
No wet towel snapping of defenses end's end in the end zones after touchdowns!
CVS now requires customers to show IDs when buying nail polish remover -
It's to combat meth suppliers. Of course, weird-looking scripts for opiate painkillers are filled promptly.
Vick Leaves Game After Fans Boo!
Many fans throwing cokes, teams throwing jockey shorts. "They treat me like a dog", he later tells reporters.
Yankees Drawing Fans Again
The New York Yankees attendance back up as the Rockettes appear on field during seventh inning stretch!
Leonard Cohen Sets Still Another Record
According to records, latest work led to 1,000th suicide by fans.
Pink Exoplanet Is Discovered by NASA -
NASA issued an apology, saying it was actually the Earth. Global warming is taking a foothold.
Ringo Starr Seen at WalMart
"I knew it was him", says local. "He was wearing this nice tee shirt that says, "I'm Ringo Starr!"
Other Renters Not Told About Giant Spider Chased From Apartment
Chaser: "Hey, let them take care of it. I got mine over with. If there's an apartment web cleanup, I'll do my part. Somebody screaming down the hall now."
Elton John Still Amazing Audiences
Especially since that thing on his head is now singing harmony.
Several Middle Eastern Upset With Religious Leader
Many Arabs are leaving the teachings of Omar Ghoodnas after he maintains that the Arabic word for "martyr" means "disposable".
Labour Complains Firms Must Hire More UK Workers
Shadow immigration minister Chris Bryant said training had to improve, with unscrupulous practices. Labours' foes ask who's calling who unscrupulous here?
92-year-old Duke of Edinburgh back to work
But handing out a few medals for science and business at the Royal Society of Edinburgh isn't really work, UKers complain.
India Just Unveiled Its First Home-Built Aircraft Carrier
Which leaves the rest of the world in awe. We didn't think India could even make a junk, river barge, or even a canoe.
Naked Justin Bieber Video Surfaces -
Bieb serenaded his grandmother on Canadian Thanksgiving while only wearing a guitar. At least he didn't ask her to smoke pot with him or beat up the poor old lady.
Rodeo Clown with Obama Mask Criticized at Missouri State Fair -
When Barack Obama heard of this, he asked, "What's Missouri? Where is it?"
Hilary Clinton Very Upset!
Supporters say she was practicing a speech when she spotted Bill winking at lady in the crowd. I think she was 'this' close to grabbing him and shaking his eyeballs loose."
Pot stops kid's seizures
Over 1,000 other kids show up at emergency rooms across the nation, jerking and twitching!
UFO spotted hovering over pool
According to a couple of badly frightened Bigfoot!
Boy comes face to face with small shark
Both send floating brown objects to the service.
Butter cow doused with fake blood at Iowa State Fair
Workers at Iowa State Fair dump cow piss on PETA protesters while yelling, "You're now organic!"
Peewee Herman Plays Weiner
Peewee Herman to play Anthony Weiner in theater skit on Saturday Night Live
More than 1,800 knitters have covered Pittsburgh's Andy Warhol Bridge in 3,000 feet of colorful yarn.
Most agree that that's a pretty good yarn!
Sinking Florida resort villa evacuated
We apologize for the earlier report of a Stinkin Hole near Disney World.
New poll out about something
According to latest poll: At least 50% forgot the first half of our question by the time we asked for their input.
Newspaper Bane: Nobody reads the stories!
New York Times may go to all-photo news with captions.
McCain: Young Americans admire Snowden
"They see him as some kin of Paul Lennon, George Starr!"
Weiner Offers Supporters A Sneak Peak
Women of all races and ages hand the Mayor Hopeful a banana as pledge to vote for him!
August Is Dog Days
Washington spends $75,000 air-lifting family dog, Bo, to join the family.
CIA Leader Applauded
CIA Leader applauded as he comes to work Monday morning. After his puzzled look someone shouts, "Four times in one night, we applaud you, Sir!"
Apple to Launch iBone
Apple will reveal its next big thing, the iBone on September 13. Apple CEO Timothy D. Cook said "We are looking forward to giving MyRobot's newly released Splooj® stiff competition.
Van For Sale
Going cheap. Only one owner. Emigrated.
Rupert Murdoch may buy Irish newspaper
Rupert Murdoch may buy the Irish Sun. If so, he vows to restore its discontinued "Page 3 Girls" feature, which showed topless models: "I want to restore the breast reading in the British Isles."
Readers demand return of favorite newspaper feature
Now that the Irish Sun has discontinued its "Page 3" feature, which shows topless young women, subscriptions have plummeted, as readers demand, "Bring back the boobies!"
NYPD Frisk-Grope-and-Fondle Tactic Violates Rights: Judge
A federal judge has ordered an independent agency to oversee reforms to the NYC PD's frisk-grope-and-fondle practice after ruling the polarizing practice violated the United States Constitution.
Anti-theft device increases thefts
Christian Conrad thought she had a sure sell with her invention, the Boobypack, to replace the fanny pack, but women find the purse encourages pickpockets; they can't wait to get their hands on it!"
At a busy Florida intersection, a desperate woman solicited funds for bigger breasts. "Not homeless," her plea, on hot-pink poster board read, "need boobs!" She collected $100,000 her first day.
Massive Mobility Scooter Pileup Injures 10 Seniors
THE VILLAGES, FL - Police are investigating a 41-mobility scooter pileup in The Villages that injured at least 10 seniors.
The cause of the pileup remains under investigation.
New Jitterbug to hit market
THE VILLAGES, FL - Greatcall will release the new Jitterbug Delta, which includes features that many seniors have been demanding, including automatic repeating of all calls and messages.
AG Holder to outline new whisle-blower sentencing guidelines
WASHINGTON, DC - The Justice Department plans to change how it prosecutes whistle-blowers, so they would no longer face mandatory death sentences.
Cameron attempts to become secret cabbie.
After Norway's PM Jens Stoltenberg has a turn as a Taxi driver the British PM David Cameron did the same. However Dave got it all wrong, sitting in the back while his chauffeur drove the cab.
500 Hp German Luxury Vehicle Parked With No Permit In Handicapped Spot
Everyone passing by just assumes that the driver simply left the permit in the glove box or something. And the vanity license plate is awesome too.
San Diego mayor's two-week sexual harassment therapy ends early
"None of their business whom I choose to spank!"
Magnitude 5.7 earthquake strikes Tibet
Even mountain goats lose their footing!
Meteor shower will be visible from Chicago suburbs
Just above and over to the left of the gang fights.
Yet Another Book from Rowling.
Just out of hospital where she went to have her writing hand fixed Rowling is to release her latest effort A History of England in 14 volumes. "Been working on it since the age of six", she confessed.
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