Order by:
Rating:

New York Yankees Alex Rodriguez Excuses For Steroids

The neighbors dog told me to take them. To counteract all those 40-year-old baseball pitchers still throwing over 100 MPH fastball.

written by Bureau, 10 August 2013
Rating:

Best/Worst Museums to Visit

Number One: The Smithsonian museum! Last: The Collection of Pickled Body Parts and Fluids in the Ozarks!

written by Bureau, 10 August 2013
Rating:

More Native Americans Slipping Into Mexico

Taking loans from drug lords to build border state casinos!

written by Bureau, 10 August 2013
Rating:

Heavy Drinkers Bring in Over $200 Billion A Year

Late at work, off on Monday, cannot concentrate on job and traffic accidents cost US $250 Billion!

written by Bureau, 10 August 2013
Rating:

Newark voted unfriendliest city in the world

"We are not, you piece of crap! We're more friendly than your city is, Bozo! Go home and take your ugly wife with you!"

written by Bureau, 10 August 2013
Rating:

Wis. official fired for comparing immigrants to Satan

The way politicians have been behaving lately, Satan is probably listed as a citizen!

written by Bureau, 10 August 2013
Rating:

Thousands Evacuated After Volcano Erupts in Indonesia

Al Gore nearly assassinated between words "Global" and "Warming". Shooter escapes amid applause.

written by Bureau, 10 August 2013
Rating:

Fourteen Firemen Injured but Nothing Major

"I knew we shouldn't have had that chili supper!", says Captain. "The fire wasn't bad until we went in and send out all those blue blazers. Three whole blocks burned to the ground!"

written by Bureau, 10 August 2013
Rating:

Job Hunter? Disney Has Opening

Disney needs a good Sing-A-Long Leader for when the cruise ship scatters break out.

written by Bureau, 10 August 2013
Rating:

MLB Pitcher Career Ruined!

As surgeon thought he was to do Tummy John operation! "He can't pitch and run to the bathroom every 15 minutes", says disgusted manager.

written by Bureau, 10 August 2013
Rating:

Ghost of Johnnie Cochran Appears in Florida

Just reported: The ghost of Johnnie Cochran appeared during the Zimmerman trial outside the building shouting, "Zimmerman! is a guilty man!"

written by Bureau, 10 August 2013
Rating:

Latest From Eastern Kentucky

"The Turtle News" reveals that Bubba Dockery uses "Best of Michael Jackson Boxed Collection" as door stop!

written by Bureau, 10 August 2013
Rating:

Troubled Waters in front of Bellagio

The Dancing Water Show in front of the Bellagio Casino and Hotel having trouble with rap music!

written by Bureau, 10 August 2013
Rating:

Arkanas Poll Taken On Country Music.

The winner of best all-time performer: Johnny Cash edges out Stringbean, Grandpa Jones! Fights prevented any recount but no one had ever heard of Taylor Swift. Usual answer: "Who's he?"

written by Bureau, 10 August 2013
Rating:

Weiner Says He's Through with the Weiner Pics

But his eyeballing good-looking young women sticks to him like stink on a monkey!

written by Bureau, 10 August 2013
Rating:

State Sex Offender List to Include Addresses

Also, location of where you can get tar cheap and free feathers from farmers.

written by Bureau, 10 August 2013
Rating:

Hoisted by his own Petard!

Bully at Pub takes it up the rear as gang of regulars rub "stool softener" on collapsing bar stool seat.

written by Bureau, 10 August 2013
Rating:

VP Joe Biden May Run For President in 2016

Tells supporters that he's absolutely confident in the economy, stool softener, Viagra!

written by Bureau, 10 August 2013
Rating:

Representatives From Texas, Arizona,10 Southern States in London

They are asking the Queen to take America back before we're completely taken over.

written by Bureau, 10 August 2013
Rating:

America Celebrates Presidential Vacation History Month

Americans celebrate new holiday where the President is out of Washington and out of sight! "Gives us something to look forward to, not having to see that nose in the air", says Joe Citizen.

written by Bureau, 10 August 2013
Rating:

Weiner mocks British reporter #2

"No, I do not want any of your "Spotted Dick" and that, Sir, is not funny."

written by Bureau, 10 August 2013
Rating:

Weiner mocks British reporter

"Got to keep the old pecker up don't ya know", mocks Weiner!

written by Bureau, 10 August 2013
Rating:

San Diego mayor leaves rehab early

"Too horny to stay at that place. The women look like men in drag and they were starting to look good!"

written by Bureau, 10 August 2013
Rating:

Federal government says no to aid for Arizona fire that killed 19 firefighters

"Maybe they will learn to obey the Washington Royalty in the future", says Dem.

written by Bureau, 10 August 2013
Rating:

Maud at Bar says she found 51st Way to Leave Your Lover!

I took off his rug, Doug. Discovered he was bald: Maude!

written by Bureau, 10 August 2013
Rating:

New Discovery Will Make Men Proud, Women Pleased

Now-Rich Scientists say they have perfected Love Potion Number Ten and it's a whopper!

written by Bureau, 10 August 2013
Rating:

Spanish skyscraper going up - but without an elevator

"I knew we were missing something but couldn't figure it out", says foreman. "At least we now know why we've all been so winded."

written by Bureau, 10 August 2013
Rating:

Dolphins Smarter Than Apes?

Apparently dolphins can figure out problems like humans. This has evolutionist pulling out their privates. Of course, this is more ape-like.

written by Bureau, 10 August 2013
Rating:

Good News: Ten Weiner Shots Collection!

Here's some good news: Anthony Weiner says that he has sent out 10 different poses. If you have all ten, you may have the complete collection so far. Could be worth something in the future.

written by Bureau, 10 August 2013
Rating:

Genetic Study Reveals Origin of India's Caste System

But we cannot reveal it here because you might be one of those low-level people.

written by Bureau, 10 August 2013
Rating:

Enormous Mako Shark Stomach Dissected

What do mako sharks eat? To find out, you have to look inside their stomachs. "Thus far we have found lots of small fish, some vegetation and parts of two different divers", says marine biologist.

written by Bureau, 10 August 2013
Rating:

Flat-Topped Coral Shows Up in Hawaii

Environmentalists say it was probably by the United States Military.

written by Bureau, 10 August 2013
Rating:

Can You Hear A Meteor?

Scientists say you might hear one going over you. "But you never hear the meteor that gets you."

written by Bureau, 10 August 2013
Rating:

Good Morning America: Have you ever seen a bear on a jet ski?

Have you ever seen an entire network jump a shark?

written by Bureau, 10 August 2013
Rating:

Idiot Freshman Cop tasers man threatening to blow up building

Building blown to smithereens!

written by Bureau, 10 August 2013
Rating:

Activists to light candles, pray for American jailed in North Korea

VP Joe Biden shows up, blows out candles and sings happy birthday to Activists.

written by Bureau, 10 August 2013
Rating:

Drones now coming from several countries

Nostradamus predicted that people would be making quick runs from house to house being chased by 'drunes'.

written by Bureau, 10 August 2013
Rating:

Three Chinese murdered in Afghan capital, one missing-embassy

Russia accuses China of trying to come into Afghanistan before US leaves and Russia comes back.

written by Bureau, 10 August 2013
Rating:

Bed Bug Battle

Thus far, over 20 motels and hotels have been convicted of bed-bugging nearest competitor!

written by Bureau, 10 August 2013
Rating:

Obama's Air Force One: An inside look (17 photos)

Viewers have already pointed out six hidden microphones found during close-ups!

written by Bureau, 10 August 2013
Rating:

Beauty queen in Utah charged with possessing boobs

I'm sorry that should be 'possessing boobs"! I mean, boobs! BOMBS!!!!

written by Bureau, 10 August 2013
Rating:

Vick, Brady sharp and Patriots beat Eagles

Both teams lose a total of 14 players for the season during practice game.

written by Bureau, 10 August 2013
Rating:

State that has lowered cigarette smoking the most?

It's California! "Out here all you have to do is go outside and huff the forest fire smoke!"

written by Bureau, 10 August 2013
Rating:

FDA and e-cigarettes: Nicotine addiction must not be the norm

Most e-cigarettes smokers say they have already changed to the m-cigarettes smoking.

written by Bureau, 10 August 2013
Rating:

Calif. faces longer, tough wildfire season

"Wildfire Season? When are we ever out of wildfire season?", asks victim!

written by Bureau, 10 August 2013
Rating:

Italian vintners selling 'Hitler wine'.

One glass and you take over all conversation at your table. Two glasses and you're eyeing the next table.

written by Bureau, 10 August 2013
Rating:

Insurance ratings to be dropped from CA website.

Except the one where they will pay out nothing for suicides over ObamaCare!

written by Bureau, 10 August 2013
Rating:

Cold War: Obama accusing Putin of slouthing!

Putin blames whole Middle East mess on Obama. Naaa! Naaa! Naaa!

written by Bureau, 10 August 2013
Rating:

Americans Sign Petition To Let Illegals Out Of Prison, No Matter What Crimes They Committed

Lots of name changing going on. "Smith? No, the name is Sandoza."

written by Bureau, 10 August 2013
Rating:

DEM: We've Got votes in the House to pass amnesty

GOP: We still have enough people in the House to pass a brick!

written by Bureau, 10 August 2013
Rating:

Race Walk cut from Athletic World Championships.

The walking events at the Athletics world championships have been cancelled after the competitors were arrested under Russia's new anti gay laws while on a training walk.

written by John_L, 10 August 2013
Rating:

Pizza Hut And KOA Campgrounds To Test "Pizza Tent" Stores

Recognizing the under-served pizza consumers staying in the nation's campgrounds, Pizza Hut is trialing "Pizza Tent" stores on at selected KOA Campgrounds.

written by Moe Nightwalker, 10 August 2013
Rating:

First One Ever Recorded

The very first shootgun gay wedding today in Maryland, where it's legal.

written by Bureau, 10 August 2013
Rating:

NYC man turns dumpster into apartment.

New Jersey man turns apartment into dump!

written by Bureau, 10 August 2013
Rating:

Obama: Despite Embassy Closings, al Qeada Decimated.

Is the President of the United States living in the real world any longer?

written by Bureau, 10 August 2013
Rating:

Number of Americans Renouncing Citizenship Surges.

Why not start a separate nation with the succession of South & Midwest? Have we tried that before?

written by Bureau, 10 August 2013
Rating:

Russian minister tells US to behave 'like grown-ups'.

That would have to start at the top and work it's way down.

written by Bureau, 10 August 2013
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