Spoof news snippets from August 2013
There were 1,735 spoof news snippets published in August 2013. A selection of the best rated snippets is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
The U.S. Nixes The American Airlines - U.S. Airways Merger
The U.S. government has blocked the proposed merger between American Airlines and U.S. Air. A government spokesperson said they did not care for the new name, We Gotcha Airlines.
The NBA "(H)oops" Schedule For 2013-2014
The 2013-2014 NBA Shedule was just released but it's going to have to be redone. It seems the schedule showed the world champion Miami Heat playing the last place Orlando Magic a total of 19 times.
Bradley Manning announcement
American traitor who was sentenced to 35 years for leaking classified documents has announced he wants to become a woman. "I didn't expect him to be out so soon," said one prosecutor.
Paris Hilton is not a dumb blonde
During a recent book signing in Milton Keynes, Paris Hilton announced that being a dumb blonde was only an act. "You're just not that good an actress," said one member of the audience.
Free Drinks in Turkey
Hotels in Turkey near the Syrian border are offering guests free drinks to entice them. "It's a great offer," said one holiday maker. "You can get bombed every night!"
England 3-2 win over Scotland reclassified as 'defeat'
If a bunch of Premier League multi-millionaires can only beat a pub team by 1 goal then it's not really a 'win' is it?
Pope Francis is Serious
To show that he will not put up with child molestation, Pope Francis has already placed 3 bishops on the rack, placed 2 priests in the Iron Maiden & had one drawn & quartered. No kids molested lately!
The New York Yankees' A-Rod Will Definitely Keep In Shape
Dancing With The Stars has invited Alex Rodriguez AKA A-Rod to appear on their next edition, since as an executive stated he'll have lots of free time on his hands (and feet).
The Woman From RPattz Past
Rob Pattinson was asked if he ever misses his ex-girlfriend Kristen Stewart. RPattz grinned and asked, "Kristen who?"
The Phone Number Was Missing 4 Digits
A New Hampshire woman was arrested for calling 911 because she needed a pen. She has been charged with misuse of the 911 service. She is now telling police that she meant to call Walmart but misdialed.
A level average set to drop.
Next year they will be known as B levels.
Crystal Palace set new football record.
Crystal Palace have officially been relegated from the Premier League without kicking a ball, according to all newspaper previews of the season which starts this weekend.
Lamar Odom Explains His DUI
Lamar Odom says that his DUI arrest was not because he was under the influence of drugs or alcohol but from happiness due to getting away from the Kardashian Klan.
Lindsay Lohan Says 'No' To Visiting North Korea
After hearing that North Korean leader Kim Jong Un shot one of his ex-girlfriends, Lindsay Lohan says she is immediately cancelling her scheduled trip to Pyongyang.
Mrs. Ted Nugent Sure Picked A Fine Hiding Place
Ted Nugent's wife, Shermane Ann Nugent, was arrested at Dallas-Fort Worth International Airport when airport security opened up her suitcase and found a handgun tucked into one of her bras.
Miley Cyrus Loves To Push The Envelope
The inventor of the foam finger is fit to be tied due to Miley Cyrus using his invention to touch her crotch region during her MTV Music Video Awards performance.
Johnny Depp Is Still Reeling From His Last Motion Picture
Johnny Depp has said that after the tremendous beating that his recent western The Lone Ranger took at the box office he never wants to see another horse, teepee, or buckskin underwear.
Panda Panic Over
A Panda reportedly seen by several people in New York City turns out to be old police car!
New Restaurant Fails After First Day in Arkansas
"I thought 'Pooters' was a good idea for a fun place but people took the name too seriously", says owner.
US Farmers Upset
"What's wrong with selling milk direct? We sold it and drunk it like that for 250 years. These stupid new rules are utter nonsense!"
Does wine drinking protect against depression?
Only for the next few hours, you'll be happy as a lark!
Guess Why The Rent In Tulsa Is So Cheap
A recent report stated that Tulsa, Oklahoma has the lowest rent of any American city, just as long as you don't mind living in a teepee.
Petrol price could fall 2p after bank holiday
Don't spend it all at once!
Anthony Weiner Recall
All Anthony Weiner Bobblehead Dolls are being recalled. It seems that they were missing the pants.
"WHAT A LOAD OF RUBBISH"
Following an appeal on twitter, a Blackpool based Under 15 football team have got a new sponsor - the Tripe Marketing Board
Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt could pocket £15 million...
From sale of Hotcourse, the company he co-founded.
You could say he's in rude health. Or you could be really rude by rhyming his surname with another word.
President Obama's New Gun Control Proposal
President Obama has come up with a new gun control proposal. He says the bill will allow U.S. citizens to own as many guns as they want, but bullets will be limited to just three per gun.
Catherine Zeta-Jones Explains Why She Left Michael Douglas
Catherine Zeta-Jones has revealed the reason why she split from her much older husband Michael Douglas is to take a break from the constant smell of Ben Gay.
A McDonald's In Detroit Closes Due To The Strike
A Detroit McDonald's closes after employees go on strike. No one applies for a job. Guess they figure $2.15 an hour won't cut the mustard (no pun intended).
The Black Preacher Said He Was Misquoted
That black preacher who called Walmart a little bitty cracker corporation says he was misquoted. He said he really called it a corporation that sells real tasty little bitty crackers.
American Medical Association Recognizes Obesity as a Disease
"No one ever wanted to talk about the elephant in the room", says spokesman.
Mr. and Mrs. Joey Fatone Are Dancing To Divorce Court
Former 'NSYNC singer Joey Fatone and his wife Kelly are getting a divorce after an 8 year marriage. Apparently Mrs. Fatone took the words to the 'NSYNC song "Bye, Bye, Bye" quite literally.
MTV Music Video Awards Viewers Did Not Care For Miley Cyrus' Foam Finger Antics
Miley Cyrus' crude and lewd foam finger and tongue performance at the MTV Music Video Awards has managed to even out gaga Lady Gaga.
Ryan Seacrest Reveals Who He Wants The Third American Idol Judge To Be
Ryan Seacrest says he'd like to see the third American Idol judges chair filled by Bob Dylan.
Nadya Suleman's Amazing Crush
Nadya Suleman alias Octomom who has 14 children says if Anthony Weiner wasn't already married she'd like to have his baby.
Time Machine Appears in Central Park
Passengers point at Donald Trump, everyone laughs and they're off again.
UFO Spotters say they saw round object hover over Miami
"It's just another 'pie in the sky' they are always seeing up there", says police officer.
The weather Channel is warning officials that having something called a "Dust Bowl" in December/January not a good idea.
Magic Stores Top Employee's Secret
Guy who works at magic store has learned to quickly move as boss does, by watching him closely and standing right behind him. "Now where did he go? Amazing!"
Soccer season in England proves that summer is over!
The English Premier league started and summer was officially declared over; it pissed down with rain!
Cycling is London is now an extreme Sport!
Cyclists in London have registered for the Olympic Extreme sports in Calcutta, 2022, and feel they can win a gold medal because of their superb training avoiding buses and taxis in the capital!
Syria stop hostilities!
The civil war in Syria has been postponed for 48 hours because the US have failed to deliver their weapons in time and the presidents wife is shopping at Harrods!
Marijuana Ruling Could Signal End of Prohibition on Pot
Good. Make room for some home grown hemp for farmers to plant and sell for clothing, etc.
Lamar Odom Arrested on LA Freeway
Police tell him he's under arrest for DUI. "Never took the stuff. I don't need that muscle-helper! That's for them bikers and such, you know, Louie Armstrong."
Another Cruise Line Breakdown
Tourists told to strip to the waist and head for the oars.
The NFL Says Enough Is Enough Bro
The NFL announces that it will no longer tolerate excessive celebratory antics on the field and will instruct the players to wait and celebrate when they get home.
Huma Abedin Talks About Weiner
Anthony Weiner's wife Huma has reportedly told him to change his last name or else she may leave him.
Heat Wave In Alaska #3
After day at the seashore, locals return to whole village melted down.
Who The Heck Was That Masked Man?
The Hasbroken Toy Company has just reported that nationwide sales of The Lone Ranger Lunch Boxes only numbered 113.
Isn't It Time For A New Song?
A close friend of Taylor Swift's has said that the singer is starting to get worried since she has not had a new boyfriend in several weeks.
America Idol Wants Will.i.am
The producers of American Idol want Will.i.am to be one of the new judges. They suggested that he change the spelling of his name to the easier to write William. He replied "No.w.a.y."
Half-carb bread goes on sale at middle class supermarket
Its only got half the slices.
The Mars Rover Curiosity Has Been Roving For 1 Year Now
NASA is concerned about the Mars rover Curiosity because of the fact that the right rear tail light has burned out.
Baseball Is Really Clamping Down On PED's
Major League Baseball has just announced that one of the team mascots has been fired after he tested positive for performance enhancing drugs, hot dogs, and Cracker Jacks.
Huma Abedin Says She's Heard All The Weiner Jokes
Huma Abedin, wife of Anthony Weiner, says that the Weiner jokes have really gotten out of hand.
Shellie Zimmerman May Be Divorcing George
George Zimmerman's wife Shellie says she may seek a divorce on grounds of being scared as hell.
Cory Booker wins Democrat primary, reveals he groped female, then announces run for NYC Mayor
Corry Booker, Mayor of Newark, announced today that he had groped a female friend, and that put's him in a position to run for New York City Mayor.
Fast Food Workers Want A Raise and Fast!
Fast Food workers have gone on strike for more pay. Replacement workers are now being trained on how to say "You want fries with that?"
Pelligrini gets a leek!
Man City learned today what it is to take a LEEK, and Cardiff City exposed Pelligrini's Leeks, Welsh style!
Clown Who Lost Job Over Obama Mask Sues President
"My company made me wear that ugly puss to begin with!"
Illness breakout tied to food chains
And not to bicycle chains as previously reported on MSNBC!
Most appalling reality TV shows
"Who Will Kiss This Horses Ass?", "Who Can Eat The Most Roadkill?", "Who Will French Kiss Rush Limbaugh?", "Fire-Ant Hill Sitting!"
Kim Jong Un Very Very Happy
According to reports, North Korea has actually shot down a misguided tourist in a lawn chair. First time missile hits anything but the ocean. No one knows victim. Kim says he may send DNA to US.
Local man cracks up and scares entire family and neighbors two months after they purchase piano for five-year-old. "All we could get out of him was him screaming "CHOPSTICKS!" over and over again.
First 3D Copied Pistol Shoots Successfuly
Shooter arrested as he shot the gun at a mechanical deer placed there to catch hunters out of season poaching.
Rushbo Once Again
Rush Limbaugh causes international incident by saying that new North Korean leader would look the same either end up if not for the eyes and nose!
Leaders call on EU to condemn Egypt violence, review ties
"Where were the leaders of the EU while our people were protesting Morsi?, asks soldier
Usher's son nearly drowns
"That's the last time we will ever show The Rocky Horror Picture Show again", he tells investigators.
NSA aggressively reviews any privacy breach: official
Then how do you know so much about people all over the USA? It looks like you're taking down notes on everyone, especially those you don't like. Like a group for freedom!
New England Patriots Owner Still Says Putin Stole His Super Bowl Ring
Also, billfold, watch, underwear and penis ring.
Adult obesity rate in US holds steady: report
Butt still a little wobbly in the rear and belly. Breasts more steady with enlarged stomach.
Manitoba Wendy's Drops "T-Rex Burger" From Menu
"It's just too hard to kill one of those things!", says one owner.
Laugh Prison: Branson's new airline to stage on-board comedy shows.
"Have you heard the one about the aircraft that split in two while in the air? Well, you'll love this one. Wake that guy up. He wouldn't want to miss anything."
Nation tells President Obama not to tell them if we are at war
"It's the last summer weekend and I, for one, don't want to hear anything about any stupid war", average answer.
Biden considers possible 2024 bid
WASHINGTON, DC - Vice President Joe Biden may run for President in 2024, or he may be dead. But he wants you to know he might, or might not.
Tennessee Family Sues Market
The Gilberts of Maryville, Tennessee are suing their local Market City Outlet after finding horseshoe in family-sized package of "beef".
Band Annoucement From Stage
"We're gonna finish up here soon folks, but you all stick around for a fireworks show like none you've ever seen! Joe here found these hidden in a mountain in Utah!"
FBI Scrutinizes Syrians in U.S. for Signs of Retaliation
"Scrutinized? What's that mean?" ask Americans of Syrian descent. "It doesn't sound good to me. Tell them we are not gay."
Yosemite fire burns Chicago-size area
But somehow misses the city. "That was a close one", says Mayor Daley.
SPecial Announcement: Air Force Snafu
The U,S, Air Force has warned that there are three rouge drones out there that they have lost trace of. It is believed that they have somehow been hacked or that they can now reprogram themselves.
Grammys to be Investigated
After Miley Cyrus nominated for Lifetime Achievement Award.
Rooney long faced sub!
Wayne Rooney put up a good show in front of TV cameras with a long miserable face as Robin VP showed him who the boss is!!
Big Change in the Number of Sales
Flea Markets Pass Target, beginning to gain on Costco and WalMart!
President Obama Wins Pulitizer Prize
For 32-page booklet of limericks about NYC Mayoral candidate, Anthony Weiner!
Obama Considering 'Limited, Narrow' Syria Action
"You know. We could make a show of it with cherry bombs, turn loose a few drones, sparklers dropped from planes."
Jaggedone brought out of retirement to save The Spoof!
Fab Author, Jaggedone, Erskine Quint, fabulous book, has been brought out of retirement to save The Spoof. His fee is undisclosed. Punters are saying Rooneys salary is peanuts, hence, U got a monkey!
We Wear Guns To Church
Well, not all of us. But just in case of a jihad, we are ready. You have to be careful not to disturb people during services so we all have silencers on them.
There's more elections next year.
No wonder people aren't voting. We have elections every six months it seems. I don't see why we couldn't all stand outside in the open and let Google see us hold up our hands.
Kids Working Small Factories Report Law Officers
"Those are OUR kids", says parent. "And they are making extra bullets for our arsenal. You police need a few?
Experimental Driverless Car Blown to Bits
Turkey Trot, Ark. turned out to be a bad choice for car makers & inventors to test their new driverless cars. A group of possum hunters saw the driverless car & opened fire. "We thunk it was hainted."
Obama Finally Comments on 2012 Benghazi Attack
"I was the victim of faulty intelligence. You got that? I was the victim!"
Syria, U.S. one step closer to potential confrontation
"U.S. takes one step back because President Obama didn't ask congress "May I?" until break. Meanwhile Syria rushing goods out of Country, hiding weapons,scattering troops.
Zero Attendance for 'Climate Change' Rally
Everybody has become sick to death of Al "Chicken Little" Gore and the fat film maker.
W. Va. Man Pleads Guilty of Killing Rare Fox
"It was eating a very rare plant and I panicked!"
President Obama Serious About Syria
"Every President needs to win at least one war! Anybody remember Jimmy Carter?"
Justin Bieber Injured
After asking young lady to take a firm grip on his bicep!
First One Ever Recorded
The very first shootgun gay wedding today in Maryland, where it's legal.
Ohio death row inmate found hanged
Prison Staff: "If he would have done this 15 years ago he could have saved the taxpayers of Ohio a whole lot of money." (sniff)
Justin Bieber's visit to New York club ends in mass brawl
"Publicity stunt", says one officer. "All that mess and not much actual blood. One guy stepped on one of the three broken Catsup bottles."
U.S. directs agents to cover up program used to investigate Americans
Many Americans fleeing to Canada, Mexico or committing suicide by going on a cruise liner.
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