Spoof news snippets from Tuesday 23 April 2013
Suarez Opens New "Suarez Bites" Internet Cafe
"Picasso never holidayed at Saltcoats", claimed Saltcoats tripe-dresser Yorick Thumbnaile yesterday. "Max Ernst did, mind. He used to walk his zebras on the pier and play leapfrog with Mussolini and Lulu."
Vampire Bites Suarez
A rare Edwardian postcard of Rolf Harris playing leapfrog with Lord Nelson and Picasso watched by Kenneth McKellar and Margaret Thatcher on Saltcoats pier in a rainstorm has been lost from Lulu's handbag.
Tin Man And Cowardly Lion Come Out In Defence of Mrs Thatcher
Osmotherley bagpipes-repairer Julian Apeclinger is quite the connoisseur. "Picasso's portraits are not as bad as they look", he said yesterday, "and Moby-Dick is funnier than anything by Jeffrey Archer.
"How To Skin A Mandrill" by Reg Varney is Amazon's Top Selling Ebook Again
Pontefract hot water bottle designer Colin Artifact bemoaned the state of the economy yesterday. "Even Eric Pickles and Kenneth McKellar have stopped buying hot water bottles", he said.
See George Osborne And Die!
Devon watering-can repairer Adelbert Lossiemouth claimed that he was the composer of Beethoven's piano sonatas yesterday. "I am the true composer", he said. "Beethoven just did the music."
'"Hughie Green Lived on Oatcakes" Claim A Lie', Claims Will.i.am
Billericay eel strangler Gladys Stencil says "my dream date would be David Livingstone. Or anybody who could handle eels. I always think David Livingstone would have been good with eels."
James Corden: "Dutch Queen Isn't Proper Royalty"
A rare daguerrotype of Eric Pickles and Rolf Harris dressed as Italian partisans lynching Horatio Nelson dressed as Mussolini on Saltcoats pier which was lost at the battle of Culloden is still missing.
"Moth Is Spitting Image of Margaret Thatcher", Claims Aberdovey Lepidopterist
Rolf Harris worked as a cleaner for Eric Pickles' fictional second home, and Horatio Nelson earned extra pocket money between wars by helping Percy Thrower in the Blue Peter garden, whereas Billy Butlin...
Bishop Weds Moleskin Trouser Heiress
A rare jigsaw of Mussolini impersonating Kenneth McKellar on Saltcoats pier has been stolen from the fictional second home of Eric Pickles.
James Corden's Head Collapses In Bespoke Tailors
A pet mandrill makes a stimulating and amusing companion for the more robust lunatic. More delicate mad people might prefer a jigsaw of Kenneth McKellar dressed as Mussolini on Saltcoats pier.
'"Gladstone Hated Camels" Claim A Lie', Claims Will.i.am
Sheer lack of water is the number one reason you hardly ever see Atlantic Cod in the Atacama Desert. That, and the fact that it's not in the Atlantic.
Horse doping scandal
British horse racing has been shocked by a massive doping scandal at the highest levels, when it was found that Godolphin horses contained traces of steroids. Ironically...made from cows.
World's Biggest Oxymoron Named After World's Biggest Moron
George W. Bush Library opens.
It's all balls to me cobber.
Seriously...an overpaid yob 'bites' another overpaid 'yob' and this garbage is endlessly paraded as UK news....get real people, there is a real world outside of this toxic island!!
".....room service Nurse!"
'Hospital Hotels' for the elderly....book me in at the Hilton Park Lane for my 80th birthday Sapphire, I'm bound to be decomposing by then.
"He's behind you!!"
Broadchurch.....so did you guess the killer?....did you even give a shit and is the Pope Jewish?
It's official.....-whoop-de-do-...Wills and Kate's 'creation' will become Queen. Don't tell Liz whatever you do as like her Royal season ticket she has not expired yet.
Peter Beardsley speaks on Luis Suarez incident.
The former Liverpool great said "I never tried to bite anyone during a match"
Widmerpool prize to be renamed
The Widmerpool prize is to be renamed in honor on George Osbourne, the wrong kind of chancellor.