Spoof news snippets from Monday 22 April 2013
a) Having or displaying an intense or ferocious aggressiveness. Showing a heartfelt and powerful intensity.
b) The front of a Geordie's head.
Missing Ombudsman Found In Tin of Mock Duck
Tuesday Evening Viewing:
21:00 Hilda Goes In
Hilda The Undercover Hippo infiltrates the Blue Peter Garden
22:00 Shakespeare In Other Languages
Othello in Mandarin Chinese starring James Corden
Arctic Roll Shortage Threatens Namibia
"Straw has always been key to me", says Prime Minister David Cameron. "When I was a child, I had a nanny made of straw. At Eton, I wore a straw boater. Now, my political career is a thing of straw."
Dog Bites Suarez
A dead Archbishop makes an excellent besom-cupboard, once it has been cleaned, dried and varnished. Dead pygmies can be stuck together to form the ultimate "conversation-piece" garden fence.
Toasting Forks Are The New Hessian
The latest innovations of Dorking inventor Gideon Bable include a zinc trout funnel, a whelk sizer, a perpetual egg-whisk, a panda-repellent waistcoat for bamboo-growers, and a transparent blindfold.
Thatcher's Paddington Bear Obsession "Jeopardised UK Security" Claims Druid
Dale Winton has a pair of imaginary Japanese Swamp Warblers. Playwright Terrence Rattigan kept an imaginary Gnu at his Bermuda home. Actress Dora Bryan's imaginary eohippus herd trampled Reg Varney's
Thatcher "Sat On My Face" Claims Ely Hypocrite
A sure way to discourage unwelcome Jehovah's Witnesses is to hold nude Satanic rites in your front garden. If you have no garden, invite them in and sacrifice a naked virgin in front of them.
Moleskin Underwear "Ruined My Youth" Claims Desmond Tutu
Among the works of the late travel writer Sidney Yardbrushe are Through Yemen in a Sedan-Chair, Barefoot Across the Dornod Province of Mongolia on a Unicycle, and Traversing the Japanese Mangrove Swamps by Coracle.
Titchmarsh: "My Sado-Masochistic Will Hay Fantasies"
while Librans with Ducks Disease should steer clear of tofu. Wheelbarrows bode ill for Sagittarian postmen, and Piscean economists can expect an encounter with a rotten carp. Ovulating Leo bus-drivers cannot
Tim Burton's New Movie Stars Johnny Depp As Johnny Depp
Tim Burton's new movie stars Johnny Depp as Tim Burton as Tim Burton as Johnny Depp as Tim Burton.
Tu no comprendo, no Bite, French kiss Si, Si!
Luis Suarez has pleaded innocence after attempting to bite his Chelsea opponent! Luis claims it was a French kiss Uruguayan style and promises to have his buck teeth removed!
Clegg to play Cromwell
Lib Dems leader, Nick Clegg, has announced his resignation from Parliament to accept the lead role in Ridley Scott's new movie about Oliver Cromwell. Some say Clegg is Cromwell incarnate.