Spoof news snippets from April 2013
There were 132 spoof news snippets published in April 2013. A selection of the best rated snippets is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
Congress Admits It Knows Nothing
In a rare admission, Congressional leaders held a special session to address their own incompetence on every subject and admitted they knew very little, if anything, about anything.
Home Sweet Home
In a recent survey in Bradford, over 91% of illegal immigrants came over here so that they could continue seeing their own doctor.
The Spotless Thief
A student from Milton Keynes was spotted by CCTV stealing 4 bars of soap but security guards could not catch him and he made a clean getaway. A police spokesman said it "we expect it's white-collar crime!"
Facebook 'Like' Patent broken by Prior Art
Facebook's patented Like button has had the patent broken when Prior Art was found. "Apparently, Tommy Cooper did it first," said Stephen Hawkins. "He said he 'Like that' and 'Not like that'."
The Alaskan Weatherman Was Kicked Out Into The Cold
A weatherman in Juneau, Alaska, has been fired for referring to snow during a live weathercast as that gosh darn, friggin, damn white stuff.
KIA's Rhythmic Recall
KIA is recalling 400,000 KIA Magna Carta's that were built in 2011. It seems that if the car should hit speeds of 50 miles per hour the windshield wipers could completely fly off the windshield.
Apple's New Name Change
Apple has just announced that in an effort to have a more modern sounding name, effective August 1, 2013, they will be changing their corporate name from Apple to Avocado.
"Michelle Hon, Can You Move A Little To The Left Please"
President Obama recently confessed that he enjoys his teleprompters so much that he has even had one installed in his bedroom.
The Unbelievable Mississippi Catfish
A game warden in Mississippi has found a catfish that can swim at speeds of up to 92 miles per hour, walk on land, fly, and count from 1 to 3.
Some Things Are Better Left Unsaid!
Following Tuesday's announcement by the Queen of her wish to attend Lady Thatcher's funeral on 17 April it has been decided no mention will be made during the service of her death at the age of 87!
From The Lips of Governor Jan "The Traditionalist" Brewer
Arizona Governor Jan Brewer has said that if women want to marry other women then it is only right that one of them be required to wear the pants.
Minnesota Teacher Fired For Drawing Pornographic Stick People
Lola Belle Prinski, a St. Paul, Minnesota teacher stated she was just trying to visually demonstrate to her second graders the art of safe sex.
Another Big Foot Sighting?
Wyoming officials say the giant size 18 footprints campers came across a few days ago were not made by Big Foot but by Happy, the Shrine Circus fat lady who recently picnicked in the Wyoming woods.
Earthquakes Have Now Joined Hurricane Status
The U.S. Meteorological Society has announced that effective immediately earthquakes like hurricanes will now have names. The first six names are Alonso, Betty, Cordelia, DeKeysha, Elmer, and Fifi.
Kendra Wilkinson Quits "Splash"
The reality TV show star said that the reason why she refused to dive was because of the "Don't Go Swimming, If You've Eaten Within The Hour" rule.
The Marital Trade-Off
A Chicago woman tells her husband to either stop smoking or else she's leaving him. The husband replies "Bye, and don't forget to take your stash of heroin."
Rush Limbaugh Denies A Romantic Rumor
GOP mouthpiece Rush Limbaugh has adamantly stated that the rumors romantically linking him and Omarosa are positively false.
The Gynecologist and The Sounds of Money
A Milwaukee gynecologist has stated that ever since he installed a slot machine in his waiting room, his patients have tripled in number.
The Astounding Planet Mercury
After years of extensive studies, scientists report that the planet Mercury is actually made up of 71 percent mercury.
Ted Nugent Will Be The Opening Act For a 60's Revival Concert of The Mamas and The Papas
Promoters are calling the event Guns and Roses.
The Well Hidden, Hidden Camera
Brooklyn Police break up a surveillance camera stealing ring operation with the help of a surveillance camera.
The FBI Pays A Pocatello Man A Visit
A man in Pocatello, Idaho, received a visit from FBI agents after they were tipped off that he had placed three drones on eBay.
Sarah Palin Is One Desperate GOPette
Sarah "Snowflake" Palin is so desperate for attention that she has stated that she would be willing to get tattoos, body piercings, and even a girlfriend to get herself back in the spotlight.
Fired Rutger's Basketball Coach May Get A One-Way Ticket
Comedian Zydeco Dupree has said that if ex-Rutgers Coach Mike "The Punk" Rice has so much anger and hostility perhaps he needs to be shipped over to North Korea.
Montana Approves A Roadkill Bill
Lawmakers in Helena, Montana have voted to allow residents to salvage meat from wild animals killed on the states highways. One senator stated that this falls under Montana's 55 Second Rule.
A Ketchup Recall
The Big Red Mater Ketchup Company, which is based in Atlanta, is recalling over 800,000 bottles of ketchup due to the fact that they may contain slight traces of mustard.
Massachusetts - The Hands On State
The state of Massachusetts has just banned the gesture known as high-fiving. They stated that it could lead to low-fiving, which could then lead to...well you-know-what.
Cleveland Scientists Make An Amazing Prehistoric Discovery
A group of Cleveland scientists excavating in Laos claim to have discovered what they believe to be two prehistoric basketballs.
The State of Ohio Is Not Happy
The state of Ohio has just announced that it has just passed a law that anyone who is photographed smiling in their police mug shot will be fined $700.
Where Oh Where Is The $700 Million?
The U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development announced that it is missing $700 million from the Katrina Fund. Reports are that the money was filtered into a state mosquito spraying account.
Government's April Fool
We are all in this together. Isn't that past its sell by date? Not for the food banks!
Minor scuffles at Thatcher protest in Trafalgar Square
It's what she would have wanted.
* Or was it miner scuffles?
The pretenders to the throne have just been forcibly removed by a set of Spurs and now the crown will return to the true champions of England; City RVP!
Daily Male Headline Shock
We are the VILE result of the Capitalist system
Mother Of Kim Jong Un Expresses Her View On The Supreme Leader Of North Korea
'He's not the Messiah,' she shouted from a first floor window to a crowd of chanting, adoring followers in the street below, 'he's a very naughty boy!'
Final pit closes on arrival of Mrs Thatcher
Beatrice and Eugenie Now Say They WILL Attend Baroness Thatcher's Funeral Service!
The Dean of St Paul's Cathedral said today that the ban on eating crisps inside the cathedral will not apply for mourners attending next Wednesday's funeral service for Baroness Thatcher.
To king or not to king?
When is a king not a king? Ask Willem-Alexander of Holland, he's double Dutch too!
NickFun Writes Two Snippets
Former Spoof writer NickFun returned briefly to The Spoof to write a couple of Snippet stories. "I would comment on this but I'm almost out of room", Fun stated.
BEREA, OH--Closeted white supremacist Erica Barr had a polite conversation with her black neighbor Dylan Jackson, even if she was violently gripping the pepper spray in her purse the whole time.
Mount Everest punch up causes avalanche!
European climbers climbing Everest were involved in a punch up with their sherpas who refused to kick their donkey who refused to eat Toblerone instead of a carrot!
Prince Charles Visits Amsterdam for Abdication Of Queen Beatrix And Enthronement Of Her Son
'I'm looking upon it as a fact-finding tour,' said the Prince of Wales. 'I want to find out how Willem-Alexander persuaded her to go. It could be a good model for some other monarchies.'
DOJ charges X-soldier with using MWD's against Assad for using the same weapons the US military uses
DOJ to charge an ex-soldier who fought against Assad w/ using WMD's. He used a handheld rocket (RPG) against the Assad regime. Funny, the US still uses handheld rockets (AT4's) in Iraq and Afghanistan
Dolphins refuse too help humans again!
Dolphins are refusing to help humans again because the only thanks they get is being slaughtered by moronic butcherers in Japan. Great White sharks are relieved at the decision; yum, yum surfers bum!
When is a fascist not a fascist?
The answer to the above question is simple: If you are manager of a third division crap club; NON! If you become manager of a premier league club: SI!!! For more information ask Paolo di Canio!
ATOS asses Thatcher "Fit to Work"
The former PM will be forced to go back into the Lords the day after her funeral. A spokesman said "No one will notice another rotting corpse in there."
Tesco blames losses on its ridiculously big stores.
Tesco has confirmed its first fall in annual profits for 20 years and blames it on the 340 ridiculously big stores
they have opened accoss the uk.
Peter Beardsley speaks on Luis Suarez incident.
The former Liverpool great said "I never tried to bite anyone during a match"
Horse doping scandal
British horse racing has been shocked by a massive doping scandal at the highest levels, when it was found that Godolphin horses contained traces of steroids. Ironically...made from cows.
Abu Qatada Appeals to Jordan
Radical cleric Abu Qatada issued a passionate appeal to Jordan yesterday. "Please, please, stop calling yourself an author", he said. "You're kidding nobody baby!"
John Terry reaffirms retirement but would consider England SOS call
So if a petty racist is needed Terry's your man.
Queen Beatrix abdicates; and?
Cook County Imposes a "Gun" tax and other"Rights Taxes"
Cook County's $25 gun tax, to curb taxpayer expenses, kicks in Monday, along with a $50 speech tax, $50 4th Amendment privacy tax, a $50 5th Amendment/Miranda rights tax also to curb taxpayer expenses
Government hails success of best ever April Fools 'Bedroom tax' prank
No. 10 Downing Street confirmed in a statement this morning that the controversial new bedroom tax was merely an elaborate prank and cant believe anyone was taken in by it.
Sunderland AFC Scouting System Changed
Paolo Di Canio's new club have narrowed their scouting search down to only players with blonde hair and blue eyes.
Sunderland Aryan Football Club
Budget supermarkets in bidding war
Lidl and Aldi are in a bidding war over the carcasses of all the dead horses from this years Aintree meeting. Last years went into Findus Burgers.
Enrolment at dance classes are up
After the news of Margaret Thatcher's death, dance lessons have had a sudden influx of former miners.
80's power couple reunite.
Thatcher and Savile together in death.
Union leaders have called for Big Ben to strike
...during the funeral of Baroness Thatcher
Jackboot thwarts North Korean nuclear launch!
At last we can thank Hitler for something, his jackboots, that have thwarted the North Korean nuclear launch by spiking the barrel; non-smoking!
Souvenir stakes and garlic wristbands are available from the St Pauls gift shop.....just in case.
Thatcher's funeral only cost a million pounds
The rest was Tony Blair's appearance fee
Prime Minister's Wife Samantha Declared Winner!
First prize in 'best hat' worn by women attending yesterday's funeral service for Baroness Thatcher at St Paul's Cathedral has been won by Samantha Cameron for her back to front black baseball cap.
Man arrested at Gatwick with a kilo of pastry in his footwear
Police say he had all the ingredients for a viable Choux Bomb
Tu no comprendo, no Bite, French kiss Si, Si!
Luis Suarez has pleaded innocence after attempting to bite his Chelsea opponent! Luis claims it was a French kiss Uruguayan style and promises to have his buck teeth removed!
Tim Burton's New Movie Stars Johnny Depp As Johnny Depp
Tim Burton's new movie stars Johnny Depp as Tim Burton as Tim Burton as Johnny Depp as Tim Burton.
Moleskin Underwear "Ruined My Youth" Claims Desmond Tutu
Among the works of the late travel writer Sidney Yardbrushe are Through Yemen in a Sedan-Chair, Barefoot Across the Dornod Province of Mongolia on a Unicycle, and Traversing the Japanese Mangrove Swamps by Coracle.
Toasting Forks Are The New Hessian
The latest innovations of Dorking inventor Gideon Bable include a zinc trout funnel, a whelk sizer, a perpetual egg-whisk, a panda-repellent waistcoat for bamboo-growers, and a transparent blindfold.
Dog Bites Suarez
A dead Archbishop makes an excellent besom-cupboard, once it has been cleaned, dried and varnished. Dead pygmies can be stuck together to form the ultimate "conversation-piece" garden fence.
Arctic Roll Shortage Threatens Namibia
"Straw has always been key to me", says Prime Minister David Cameron. "When I was a child, I had a nanny made of straw. At Eton, I wore a straw boater. Now, my political career is a thing of straw."
Missing Ombudsman Found In Tin of Mock Duck
Tuesday Evening Viewing:
21:00 Hilda Goes In
Hilda The Undercover Hippo infiltrates the Blue Peter Garden
22:00 Shakespeare In Other Languages
Othello in Mandarin Chinese starring James Corden
It's all balls to me cobber.
Seriously...an overpaid yob 'bites' another overpaid 'yob' and this garbage is endlessly paraded as UK news....get real people, there is a real world outside of this toxic island!!
'"Hughie Green Lived on Oatcakes" Claim A Lie', Claims Will.i.am
Billericay eel strangler Gladys Stencil says "my dream date would be David Livingstone. Or anybody who could handle eels. I always think David Livingstone would have been good with eels."
Veep Biden not happy
"This has got to stop!" cried US Vice President Joe Biden after the meeting of National Security Officers he was chairing was interrupted by a vaccuum salesman who gained entry via a cleaners' door.
Veep Biden not happy
"This has got to stop!" cried US Vice President Joe Biden after a watch he paid $2500 for on Ebay was later valued by experts as being worth $125.00. Biden intends to emasculate the watch's seller.
Sir Humphrey Davey: "Father Of The Modern Omelette"
Devon farmer John Barleycorne, the first man in the world to have two wooden knees fitted, is a big fan of Reg Varney and Doric Architecture.
Clement Attlee's Love Affair with the Panama Canal
Famous cook Delia Smith has denied any relationship to the Temple of the Delians on the Greek island of Delos. "It's nothing to do with a Pagan cult devoted to me", she said. "That's at Attleborough."
Theresa May To Suspend UK Murder Law For Thirty Seconds
'This will allow me time to shoot Abu Qatada,' the Home Secretary told Parliament. 'The exact time of suspension will be kept secret to prevent others from treating an inconvenient law with contempt.'
Where's the point?
Topless Kate pictures: Two charged....presumably under the trades description act?
Ethel the Frog
"If only you'd read the instructions!" cried the Chancellor of the Ex-chequer during discussions with the Prime Minister, David Cameron, on how to run Britain's economy. Cameron is still learning.
"Oh, and you don't either?" replied Tibetan spiritual leader Dalai Lama sarcastically when queried about his penchant for gardening fully naked. He is unrattled by any innuendo about his bare skin.
Selena Gomez delivered a rare fashion faux pas
In an attempt to win back Justin Beiber the 'Spring Breakers' star wore an outfit based on Anne Frank's concentration camp uniform.
Duke of Edinburgh on three-day visit to Canada
More evidence that the Canadians have done enough to beat the Australians in the race to replace the pound when it collapses next year.
Hotel guests found dead in swimming pool at Down Hall Country House Hotel, Essex............police confirm that Michael Barrymore was NOT staying at the hotel at the time!
Fabled halfwit Tory, Ken Clarke brands UKIP Politicians 'Clowns'...."why can't they just be certified lunatics and retards like the rest of us moans Ken?"
Boris says it like it is
"I don't like pizza sauce!!!" cried a vehement Boris Johnson, mayor of London. A pizza vendor was trying to persuade him to buy her latest creation when he reacted to her insistent demands to try one
Osborne address BAFTA
Osborne:"Britain is the place to create top shows"...he should know, he's currently starring in one of the biggest comedies ever known, namely "The Coalition"
Elvis Presley's love child, Davis Beauregard II, has appeared in court charged with...impersonating Elvis. Beauregard pleaded not guilty on basis that he looks like his paternal father. Thank ya!!
Map guy changes his name
Top cartographer, Sir Rodlet Swenkleburquer, has officially changed his name to Rod Smith. "It saves time" said the virtually unknown celebrity. Well done Rod but the rest of us couldn't give a hoot.
Man loses head
Russian doctors have surgically removed the head of a patient and implanted a prosthetic head because the recipient's face was too ugly. "He looks much better" said Dr Yuri Dragonslayer.
Police in revolt
Senior British Police are clamping down on low level corruption in the ranks. "No free chocolate bars for hardworking constables" their latest edict read. PCs are throwing bricks at HQ in response.
Media brand Di Canio a Fascist
What's the big deal? So the guy likes his fashion
The truth is finally out.According to Prof. Itchy Witchy carbon dating and DNA probe it is now finally established that Cleopatra was ..a MAN..
Funeral guests for Mrs T
I wonder if Arthur Scargill has been invited?
What's the difference between 'affection' and 'adore'?
I can't slam my wife's head in affection ...
Thatcher Grave Memorial revealed
The dancefloor needs to be larger, says Kinnock
Thatcher death parties!
Many find them disrespectful; the Irish don't, they just call them a wake and we all know what the Irish thought about Maggie!
Jellied eel slips up mans bum!
Whilst bending over to pick up his cockles and winkles a very slippery jellied eel entered a man's bottom. The eel pleaded innocent!
Question of the week: Is Simon gay? Question of the Month: Who gives a right f**k?
The question of whether or not Simon Cowell is gay may not be answered any time soon as the question of whether anyone gives a right fuck is much easier to answer.
Big Ben To Be Silent For Baroness Thatcher's Funeral
'The chimes of Big Ben will be silenced for the duration of Baroness Thatcher's funeral,' said a government spokesman, 'although before and after it will be going "Ding Dong".'