Spoof news snippets from Wednesday 5 September 2012
But with what?
Patriots Coach Bill Belichick Seeks Refreshing Waters
New England's football genius has learned there is no Brian Waters, hot, cold, or running in Foxboro this season.
Romney to record CD
Republican nominee for the USA Presidential election, Mitt Romney, will release a CD of songs written by Meatloaf and Alice Cooper. The first single released will be "Welcome to my Batcave". Yes sir!!
Not above Suspicion
A bus driver from Croydon has been caught on CCTV acting abnormally according to new EU rules. The driver was filmed helping a 78-year-old woman onto the bus yesterday. Is anyone safe?
Bad Headline: Number 115
Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 128
Wal Nutz and his daughter, Hazel.
Pity the inmates of Guantánamo Bay
It has been reported that the only relief that the inmates of Guantánamo Bay is that they are allowed to watch Harry Potter films.
Prince Harry: "I Had to Do It"
Prince Harry said that he was aware that he was being monitored for abnormal behaviour by the EU. This practice was considered normal for the area and he did not want to stick out like a sore thumb!
2nd Victim of Abnormal Behaviour
The Orwellian EU abnormal behaviour monitoring system has caught its 2nd victim - an unnamed MP was found NOT to have claimed any expenses .
1st Victim of Abnormal Behaviour?
The Orwellian EU abnormal behaviour monitoring system has caught its 1st victim - a 99-year-old gentleman has NEVER visited any porn sites!
EU to Spend Millions on Monitoring for Abnormal Behaviour
Watch out Parliament!
Mother of All Fakers
RJ Ellory has admitted faking book reviews for his crime novels for 10 years. This is in fact a crime called fraud and his defence would be that the novels are also fake. In this case, crime pays!
Manchester City plotting £95m Ronaldo bid?
That cheered me up this morning while I was getting me out-of-date cheap loaf of bread!
Squatters will face up to six months behind bars & £5000 fine
Fair enough, but a youth who took part in the July riots last year, involved in looting, arson, and attacking and overturning a police car, got 3 months?
Mind you, he was out in 7 weeks again!
Voting intention Poll Camparisons
July 2012: Labour 43% Conservatives 32% Lib-Dems 10%
Sept 2012: Labour 44% Conservatives 33% Lib-Dems 8% Others 15%
Labour +1% Conservatives +1% Lib-Dems -2%
"Anyone told Nick?"
Cable offers support for Nick Clegg!
But a little Uncon-Vince-ingly!
Hardship payments for the jobless are to be axed!
Amid fears they are wasted on booze, fags and holidays.
Iain Duncan Smith will unveil plans this week to replace the handouts with a loan in a fresh welfare crackdown.
"A loan? Good gracious me!"
Cameron begins his first reshuffle
I wish he'd shuffle off!
Usain Bolt to play for Man United in Real Madrid friendly
Rumours that Dimir Berbatov is going to run the 100 metres in an exchange deal have not yet been confirmed...
New London airport planned for pop-up shop.
Seven days only. Locations to be announced.
Hollywood News: Tom Cruise chosen to play Manchester United legend Bryan Robson
Well who else? I just hope he doesn't injure his shoulder jumping on all those settees.
Cabinet Reshuffle latest: Quiet man IDS refuses to go quietly
In fact he refused to go at all! Former Tory party leader Ian Duncan-Smith refused to leave his job as Work And Pensions secretary. At least he'll keep his pension.
Sven-Goran Eriksson becomes technical director of Thai club
Former England boss was today named as the new technical director of Thai club BEC Tero Sasana.
I think hes found his dream job.
Richard Branson halts £13bn rail deal with legal action
Makes a change from leaves on the line
Heathrow Airport to build a third runway in Peterbrough
Apparently there are a lot of empty shops in the town centre.
Boris Johnson announces plans for New London airport
After the Paralympics finish on Sunday, The Night Mayor of London will knock down the Olympic Park and build an airport there.
Nicky Minaj Raps About Voting Romney
Shouldn't that be 'craps' ???
McDonalds open all veggie branch in India
There is no Big Mac, but you can order A Big Cheese.
McDonalds go meat free in India
The Golden Arches has opened its first all veggie branch in India. Anyone from the UK who wants to order anything can do so via the McDonalds call centre. Ask for Dave.
News International Phone-Hacking Victim List Grows
If only the Chancellor had taxed phone-hacking, the country could avoided the double dip recession!
Cristiano Ronaldo says he is sad at Real Madrid.
Real Sad - So Get Rid!
Liverpool fans furious at lack of transfer window signings
Rumours are the Merseyside radio sports phone-in show has been renamed the moan-in show.
Michael Owen joins Stoke City
His second option was his old club on Merseyside, Liverpool aka Joke City.
Cabinet Reshuffle latest: Spoof writer rejects cabinet position
I am disappointed to announce I have not been promoted in the cabinet reshuffle.
In fact I don't even own an ipod.
Cabinet Reshuffle latest: Maria Miller new Culture secretary
No confirmation yet on if she's exchanged email addresses with the Murdochs...
Cabinet Reshuffle latest: Hunt new health secretary
Jeremy Hunt has been moved from Culture secretary to Health secretary. (He always be a cult - or something like that to me) Handy if Rupert Murdoch needs to jump an NHS waiting list for an operation
George Osborne Booed At Olympic Medal Ceremony
Trying to tax the athlete 20% tax on the medal before he received it was a bit mean
Prince Harry makes first public appearance since Vegas pics.
Thankfully, this time he kept his clothes on!
Handshake 'snub' for Kate at Paralympics
That'll learn her to wash her hands after eating Quavers.