Spoof news snippets from November 2012
There were 266 spoof news snippets published in November 2012. A selection of the best rated snippets is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
Blink and you'll miss him
A West London Hotel has changed the name of its top floor suite to Rafa Benitez to 'honour' the new Chelsea boss - saying the room is perfect for short stays.
It used to be named after Kim Kardashian
Prince William favourite Royal in public poll
Narrowly beating Royal Doulton china.
The Leveson Inquiry in numbers: 17
17 - times Rupert Murdoch said 'sorry' during last 3 hours of his evidence.
The second most humble day of his life. (The first involved similar apologies but also a custard pie in his face)
Nutritionists Issue Health Warning
Nutritionists at St. Philbert's Medical College have advised people to keep away from fruit and nuts. They say :"you are what you eat!"
Bryan Ferry of Poxy Music releases vajazzle album.
CORRECTION: that should read Bryan Ferry of Roxy Music releases a JAZZ album.
Liverpool City Centre Cordoned off Today
Police cordoned off Liverpool city centre when a suspicious object was found inside a car parked on double yellow lines.
The object turned out to be a valid tax disc
New BBC Director General calls for Unity
It all got a bit confusing and embarrassing when Una Stubbs turned up in her Aunt Sally outfit.
Woman 'Fakes Her Own Kidnap To Get Day Off Work'
The things people will do to watch Jeremy Kyle.
Lord McAlpine poised to sue at least 10,000 Twitter followers.
More details at hashtag #ohshitwishineverretweetedthat
Leveson report to be published next Thursday
I'm getting the DVD for Christmas. My mum loves Hugh Grant.
Trial of Taiwanese Knicker Nicker Expected to Be Short
A man arrested in Thailand in possession of 10,000 pairs of underwear is to go on trial tomorrow. Legal experts expect the trial to be brief.
Romeo MP says keep press free.
Lib-Dem MP John Hemmings, exposed by tabloids as having 'at least 26 mistresses' says the press should not be controlled by the government.
26 mistresses? Where did he find time to get elected?
Prince Phillip covers ears at Royal Variety show
The Queen normally does the same every time Phil the Greek meets a member of the public (and puts his foot in it)
Obama suffers jetlag after East Asia trip.
Either that or he was watching a Mitt Romney speech on youtube.
Imbecile soccer fans attempt to act like intelligent monkeys: Bigots!
UK soccers fans have been caught attempting to act like their intelligent cousins; monkeys. Which again goes to prove that primates are much further up the evolutionary tree than soccer imbeciles!
Milton Keynes Arsonist Strikes Again!
A suspected arsonist burned down a shoe factory in Milton Keynes today. A spokesman said: "over 200 soles were lost."
Kate Moss: "I've never seen myself as sexy"
That makes two of us!
140 Out of Every 100 Ohio Voters Agree...
Barack Obama is a better choice for president.
Nebraska Boys Grow Up Fast at Macy's Day Parade
A group of 12-year-olds from a Christian Fundamentalist boys group were front row for the annual parade.
After getting more than an eye-full from the Rockette's, nine out of ten of the boys approved.
British woman put in jail in Dubai for sex in taxi
Apparently she never left a tip.
Kim Kardashian Could Be Moving To London
This town ain't big enough for the butt. Of. Kim.
Teenager Jailed For Armed Robberies Disguised As An Old Man
I wonder if Clive Dunn, famed for dressing up as a character in Dads Army a lot older than he really was, was the inspiration?
Obama: 'The Best is yet to come'
Apparently, he's getting a 60 inch Smart HD TV for the Oval Room.
Obama congratulates Romney on spirited campaign.
And especially all the gaffes.
Graeme Souness tips Jordan for Scotland job.
I know Katie Price used to go out with Dwight Yorke but I hardly think that makes her qualified.
Rector gives money away to parishioners in Exeter
Inspired by the 'Parable of the talents' in the bible.
The rector hopes those who took the money will return a profit by Easter. I'm putting my tenner on the next favourite at Kempton.
Katherine Jenkins denies affair with David Beckham
As yet, nobody from Newsnight or the BBC has resigned over the matter. Watch this space.
Sepp Blatter Said English Football Is 'Run By Idiots' *
Well it takes one to know one (or some).
* As told by Seb Coe in his autobiography.
Paul Gascoigne sober for 32 days...
... since the age of 15
Memory-Man Banned From Bookstore
A man with a photographic memory has been stopped from browsing in branches of Snarbes & Bonles. Apparently he was recalling the books at home without paying for them.
YouTube flooded with anti-Bronco vids
It took America, and maybe the world, only four hours to become so sick of the crying "Bronco Obama" girl that countless vids have been posted of people crying as a result of the video of the girl.
"Stick it in the curry!"
Britain to end financial aid to India in 2015, thereafter India will send aid to the UK!!
Phase shift in art
Will Gompertz, the BBC art guru has seen a change in art. "Once," he said, "people said 'the painting is so good it looks like a photo', now they say 'that photo is so good is looks like a painting'!"
NBC Peacock Replaced by Turkey
The New York Jets auditioned for the role of the new NBC peacock during the NBC football game of the week.
BBC pays £4m in executive pay-offs in two years
Almost as much as Chelsea.
All change in West London
BBC, Chelsea and QPR all change managers.
Martin Jol at Fulham must be looking over his shoulder for the dreaded vote of confidence...
The always caring David Cameron takes time out of his busy schedule to visit victims of UK floods
As if the poor buggers haven't suffered enough.
One woman commented, "Well, at least it wasn't that George Osborne."
Redundancy-hit weekly newspaper uses picture of innocent man for drug dealer story
The innocent man is now planning to sue for damages, and is also looking for a supplier to meet new demand.
Bradley Wiggins apologizes for middle finger salute.
"I was just telling Lance Armstrong how many Tour De France titles I still have"
I'm a Celebrity line-up revealed
It's bikini loving and daily twitter picture poster former Coronation St actress Helen Flanagan plus 9 others. I didn't catch their names.
Chris Moyles and Comedy Dave fall out; split up.
They've agreed to share custody of the comedy.
George Entwistle resigns as BBC DG
Harry Redknapp denies interest in job, saying he's happy playing golf, waiting for a Premier League job, walking Rosie the dog and visiting Switzerland.
Bradley Wiggins knocked off bike.
The French cycling Federation have denied responsibility. And they still believe the story about the 'special' British wheels we used during the Olympics.
Justin Welby named new Archbishop of Canterbury.
He got the job despite not having a long white beard, that's what they call progress.
Duchess of Cambridge returns gift sent by Kim Kardashian
Apparently her bum looked big in it.
Tulisa not a WAG she says on live tv.
After newspaper revelations that Tulisa was dating Newcastle footballer Danny Simpson, she told Louis Walsh she is not a WAG, but a WAF = Was Already Famous. Not 'What A Freak' as I imagined...
Lord McAlpine sues ITV for £500,000
His solicitor gave Philip Schofield the writ this morning on er, This Morning.
Santa beard stuck on zipwire in Reading shopping centre.
I didn't even know Boris was moonlighting as a Santa this Crimbo!
David Beckham to quit LA Galaxy in December
Apparently he was having problems picking up the language.
'Second' Petraeus Affair Emerges
Is he aiming to beat the record held by Tiger Woods?
Rihanna 777 tour takes in 7 shows in 7 countries in 7 days
Coincidentally Ri-ri has 7 brain cells left after getting back (or remaining friends) with Chris Brown who treated her to a bit of domestic violence 3 years ago.
Richard Desmond's adult TV boss to run Channel 5
Channel 5 - Will anyone notice the difference?
Apple shares drop below $600
Girls Aloud announce Greatest Hits Album and tour.
Could be the shortest album and tour of all time?
Federer beats Murray 7-6, 6-4 at the O2 Arena
So shove that down your daft self-publicising face and eat it, kid!
Dance In The Dark?
Naked Lady GaGa stumbles on 35 fans in her garage....strewth, how big is this woman?
John McCain Says U.N. Ambassador Susan Rice: "Not too bright"
If Senator John McCain, third from bottom of class at Annapolis, had picked Stanford graduate and Rhodes scholar Susan Rice as his Vice President instead of Sarah Duh, he'd be President right now.
European parliament sprayed with milk by angry farmers as they protest for a 25% increase in their prices
They want the rise to cover their costs following a fall in dairy prices. MEP's have accused them of trying to milk the system.
They should know. They've been at it for years.
Two and a half men is filth claims ex-Sheen nephew!
Charlie Sheen's ex-nephew in "Two and a half men" has claimed the show is filth because he's now a born again Christian. He was recently exorcised of his demons for the price of 2 shows!
Angus T Jones apologises because God told him too!
After calling "Two and a half men" filth, Angus T Jones has now said sorry because he loves his $350000,00 fee per show and God told him too because he loves Charlie not Ashton!
Jon Cryer says "Two and a half Men" says network hires loonies
With Charlie Sheen and Angus Jones biting the hands that feed or fed them, Jon Cryer is pulling the hair out of his head. "CBS is messing with my meal money by hiring these nutters.
Cameron clear on Leveson
"I understand the recommendations that Leveson proposes and I will do exactly what Mr Murdoch tells me to do." the Prime Minister said yesterday.
A Royal Protection cop accidentally fired off a shot while sitting inside a car, that's what you get for 'playing with your weapon' when escorting Pippa and Kate around town cobber!
Elephant learns Korean words--one of them the F-bomb
A Korean zoo features a talented elephant who has developed the ability to speak. It's a bit of a pirate, though, as it repeatedly says, "Neoi saekki ttangkong-eul miwo" or "I hate fucking peanuts."
,,,AND THE WINNER IS?
Woohoo...Denzil Washington gets 2nd series playing USA President....nice one!
Chinese ban Pigeon-Spies from Beijing!
The paranoid Chinese Communist party has banned ping pong balls, open windowed vehicles and pigeon-spies from flying in their air space until they've chosen a new leader; here his name, WAN KIN DIK!
Number Crunchie Bar
According to latest 'Government' figures the average wage in the UK is, £471 per week, strewth, that's £1 more than I get in weekly benefits....I gotta get a job!!
Bieber 'became a man' with TV celebrity causing split with Selena Gomez
Ru Paul today said that he had helped the Canadian pop sensation to become a man and that had been the root cause of his split from teenage sweetheart Selena Gomez.
Uruguayan president; is the the poorest or the richest?
President Jose Mujica of Ururguay is the poorest president on the planet because he gives all his money away and lives in a farm shack! Is he rich or is he poor? Ask rich hypocrite David Cameron!
ITV pays £125,000 to settle case with Lord McAlpine
They've also offered him two tickets for the X Factor Final. Sitting behind Louis Walsh.
Tony Hall is new BBC director general.
He's planning to work eight weeks for a years salary, negotiated by his agent and brother Eric Hall.
Naked man climbs on statue in Whitehall
The Chancellor of The Exchequer has finally lost it.
Have you noticed...
How you never see Helen Flanagan and Kelly Brook in the same room? Especially if the room is in a library.
Mark Hughes Sacked By QPR
Results so far this season have been
Elgin City v Rangers postponed on safety grounds.
Match was called off when it was discovered Elgin had sold over 1,000 too many tickets for the 4,520 capacity ground.
Honestly those marketing people at Elgin - marbles!
"My name is...." "My name is...." "My name is...."
Alzhiemers Eminem tribute act leaves punters confused
Not nice to see you, to see you not nice!
MP Nadine Dorries flys back to UK to face the music....don't tell me she is on 'Strictly' next!!
NYC Subways to Reopen Thursday
Thank god for that! I've missed the Meatball Marina & Chicken Tikkas.
Obamas hug photo makes social media history
Twitpic of Obama & Michelle hug gets record number of retweets - bating previous record held by Justin Bieber. The Biebster is now considering politics - but Trump may want to see a birth certificate
Channel 4 censors The Simpsons cutting word 'gay' from repea
Countdown presenter dressed down for skimpy outfits
Its about time Channel 4 recorded a late night version of Countdown to go with the late night version of Hollyoaks.
Elton John and husband expecting second baby.
The miracles of modern science. WHOSE THE DADDY!
No seriously, whose the daddy?
Selena Gomez ends Mickey Mouse relationship.
Sorry that should read the Disney actress has ended her relationship with Justin Bieber.
Perhaps the headline was correct after all.
Vernon Kay quits Radio 1 weekend show.
Says he wants to spend more time with his family.
No mention tweeting Page 3 girl.
13 year old banned by Millwall FC after racist language.
Banned by Millwall? He should think himself lucky.
Living to 125 years could be 'the norm'
Well it will give us more time to pay off our mortgages.
And watch all the box-sets. And start a pension...
Frank Bruno: Savile tricked me into meeting Yorkshire Ripper
Bruno was lucky. One caller to BBC Ulster told how he was tricked by Savile into milking a cow blindfolded.
"Can't catch me!"
John McAfee, anti-virus guru flees after murder....they'll never find him his security is to good!
Craig Levein begins legal dispute with SFA
Levein has started action against his former employers over his dismissal. #Lets hoep they don't instigate counter action against him as evidence that he was a FOOTBALL MANAGER was in short supply.
44 million hacking attempts on Israel government websites
Since they began Gaza airstrikes last week. I blame the Nigerian email scammers.
Becks quits LA Galaxy
To spend more time advertising pants.
Peter Mandelson appointed Chairman of Lazards
That's Lazards the investment bank, not Lizard, although some say that's an appropriate description for Mandy.
Still if ya can't legitimately call him a Lizard, you can legitimately call him a Banker
Police commissioner elections most expensive in history
Each vote cast cost the taxpayer £14. The poll, which cost £75 million to administer, saw just 5.34 million people - one in six of the electorate - vote.
£75 million - Still less than MPS expenses.
Women bishop rejected
Women were gutted today when they lost the church vote to play John Bishop in the Christmas panto.
They have collectively been offered the back of the pantomime horse.
UBS City trader jailed for £1.4 billion fraud.
United Bank Switzerland (UBS) employee Kweku Adoboli was found guilty after they found the secret account on a USB stick.
Sally Bercow twitter account closed after hacking
Wife of Tory John Bercow had her twitter account hacked yesterday when a tweet called Bercow a 'stupid woman'.
Insiders suspected the hacking when the intelligence level of tweets rose by 110%
Radio DJ Dave Lee Travis arrested for 'groping'
WACK WACK OOPS!
£1 fish man gets recording contract.
I can't wait to see him on the Royal Variety show next year, with Prince Philip covering his ears.
170 i-phones stolen every day in London.
It's times like this I'm glad I still use a Nokia 3310.
Goodbye, farewell, adieu!
Steel giant TaTa (no pun intended) axing 900 jobs....Merry Christmas to one and all!