Eddie Stobart lands outer-space contract!
Giant trucking company Eddie Stobart has landed the contract to bring goods to the space-centre in outer space (where else?). He is over the moon!
Asbo's to be axed in 'blitz' (sic) on bad behaviour.....thats on par with a court martial to the average lowlife scrout!!
People could be queuing at airports for up to 4 hours during the Olympics...unless of course they make a break for it and 'hurdle' the barriers!
Its that time of the year again when we have the BAFTA awards inflicted upon us: or as they are known.....
Launch success for SpaceX mission
They confirmed they have successfully launched a spaceship into space at 3am this morning with Piers Morgan on board on a one way ticket.
(Sadly, I might have made the Piers Morgan bit up)
Man Dressed as Dead Mom for Years
Pyscho! or just a fraud?
West Ham win promotion to the Olympic Stadium
WHU beat Blackpool 2-1, gaining promotion to the Olympic Stadium. Sadly this means that Leyton Orient will probably be relegated to bankrupty. When asked to comment, Boris Johnson said "Leyton Who?"
Britney Spears to join X Factor as judge.
Someone to champion the bald, slightly deranged acts who enter the show each year.
Al Gore Has 'Serious Girlfriend'
Seen getting hot and heavy with a democratic donor.
They have rumoured to have spent many nights together, discussing 'global warming'. As you do.
Cheerleader kicks herself in the face
Curb your enthusiasm lass.
Facebook shares plummet in value.
Friday: debuted on NASDAQ at $38 per share, valuing entire company at $104 billion.
Monday: shares drop to 38 cents, valuing the entire company at $38.
Tuesday: Mark Zuckerberg files for bankruptcy
Polls suggest Obama will dump Biden for Hilary.
He's going off gay marriage already?
Five year old boy loses 50k on betting website
I bet that's the last time John Terry asks his kids for advice.
Cutbacks on Olympic countdown clock
Today is 66 days to the start of the games, but organisers have just turned the '99 days' sign upside down.
Drogba confirms Chelsea departure.
"I don't want to stay at Chelsea" he sang as he packed his kit bag for the last time.
Royal Mail warns of Olympics post delays
This sounds suspiciously like a 'leave on the line' type excuse...
Cameron says he is 'driven like Margaret Thatcher'
Hopefully not in the back of a NewsCorpse limo...
Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 58
Tesco boss turns down £400,000 bonus
Instead he's asked for it in Clubcard points and a bag for life.
Fernando Torres going nowhere, say Chelsea
Particularly near the pitch and penalty area say snippet writers.
Stradivarius cello broken in accident!
It's housed at the Spanish Royal Palace, & was broken in an accident, an official said Monday. The instrument could be worth more than $20 million.
"Was Inchcock in the area at the time?"
The longest word ever used in the House of Commons is floccinaucinihilipilification!
Conservative MP Jacob Rees-Mogg used floccinaucinihilipilification in the House of Commons!
I found Anticonstitucionalissimamente - "in a very unconstitutional way" more fitting for the Coalition!
Alaska man plans year on uninhabited island!
Charles Baird (40) is going off the grid for a year. He'll move to the mostly uninhabited Latouche Island in Alaska's Prince William Sound at the end of May!
"Wish it could have been me!"
The UK is the world's third-largest purchaser of human hair!
The year before, we were the twelfth largest.
"Can we blame Wayne Rooney?"
Teen arrested after homework left at crime scene!
An 18-year-old Utah man was arrested. Orem police say they tracked a USB drive found at the burglarized home to Dallas Naljahih, the drive had his homework on it.
Revealed: The Oldest Yoga Teacher In The World!
Tao, (93) who has been teaching yoga for 61 years, runs classes at a dance studio in Harstdale, a suburb 25 miles outside of New York City, despite her replaced hip!
"Good for her!"
Fury As Alzheimer Centre To Close
"Forgive and forget" urges Government spokesman.
Government Plans To Slash Workers Rights
Backing Beecrofts' plan, Cameron said;"Ultimately, our aim is for 100% unemployment before the next election. We feel these proposals go a long way toward achieving this".