Spoof news snippets from Wednesday 7 March 2012
Works Both Ways!
A new list of advertisers leaving the Rush Limbaugh Show has appeared on several news sites today. What the advertisers do not seem to realize is that millions of Rush fans are copying them to drop.
Toads Are Leaving, Get Ready To Shake!
Scientists have reconfirmed that toads DO leave an area a few days before an earthquake. They have concluded this from watching Nancy Pelosi's trips from California to Washington DC and back.
Vladimir Putin denies voting fraud in Russian election.
"Comrades - I categorically deny 119% that the vote was above board".
Super Tuesday: Romney wins 6 out of 10 states.
Vladimir Putin won the other 5, but officials suspect more voting fraud.
Two Murdoch reporters feared to be in suicide bids
Woman accused of burning daughter...
after she refused an arrange marriage.
That's one mother-in-law ya wanna steer clear of!
Lord Stevens gives evidence at the Leveson inquiry
Must be unusual for him to give evidence at an inquiry that he' not chairing...
Egypt MP resigns 'after lying about plastic surgery'
Party leaders got suspicious when he came back looking 'extremely like Omar Shariff'
Jessie J cancels gigs after losing her voice
A bit of advice to help your throat Jess -
it's all about the honey, honey honey, honey...
Peyton No Longer A Colt
Jim Irsay, Peyton Manning both tear up at emotional farewell. Announcement broadcast into schools, businesses. Many fans beat their breasts and throw ashes into the air.
Santorum advisers urge Gingrich to stand aside
so they can have a head to head v Romney.
"Come on Newt, spend some more time with your relationships"
Man denied liquor license near South Dakota Indian reservations!
"We don't mind", says Lakota spokesman. "Just as long as he spends money at our casino."
US news: Rush Limbaugh calls female student slut
Advertisers boycott his national speech radio show.
Instead, as an altenative they flock to advertise with footballer Ian Rush.
Congress debates rise in gas prices -- again!
"How high are the gas prices, Mama?" "I said they're $4 a gallon and rising!" "How high the gas prices, Mama?" "I said they're $5 a gallon and rising!" (*Special thanks to Johnny Cash)
Farmers Flee Spiders
Thousand of citizens of Wagga Wagga, Aust. as wolf spiders cover buildings, trees & grass after fleeing flood waters. "Wolf spiders are rough enough now, but just wait for a full moon", states farmer.
Officer probed for moving mattresses on patrol car
Claims that he was operating undercover!
UEFA Champions League Latest:
Barcelona 7 Bayer Leverkeusen 1
German team admit: We should never have put Jay Leno in goal.
Barcelona 7 Bayer Leverkusen 1 (aggregate 10-2)
Lionel Messi scores 5. Another normal day at the office for Leo.
Romneys Celebrate Primary Victories
Romney campaign declares near-victory. Mitt and his wife will take off for a couple of days from campaign and celebrate by exchanging underwear.
English Fans Express Relief At Financial Collapse Of Rangers Football Club
'At last the English won't have to listen to endless results of Celtic - Rangers matches on English television and radio,' confessed a relieved English sports fan.
Consumer credit rises more than expected in January!
Why should a consumer stay out of debt when the whole country keeps digging itself into a deeper hole?
Yoko Ono To Do Benefit For Victims Of Japan Nuclear Accident
Unless she is given $100,000 per U.S. city, she will come there and sing over loud speakers.
Warning signs of clinical depression
Lethargy is common, but sufferers can also seem agitated and hyper. "They will suddenly do a double back flip and then sit and cry."
Radical Change Proposed In American Presidential Election Process
'The winner will still be the richest person who also can raise the most money,' said a White House spokesman, 'but the money will be given to help the poor rather than being wasted on campaigning.'
Hank the cat, a 9-year-old Maine Coon, runs for Senate!
Promises "A mouse in every house, a hodgepodge in every garage!"
Judge rejects gag order request in Paula Deen case!
Paula Deen asks judge to please not call it that? "I have cookware to sell."
American 'Silly Names' Competition Reaches Crucial Phase
'With Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich still in the competition,' said a commentator, 'Barack Obama must be pretty damned worried.'
"Mantyhose" Gaining Momentum!
Expert Emilio Cavallini says men are latching on to hosiery! Can the 'Bro' be far behind?
New Mexico town elects mayor who called Obama evil
"Wouldn't trust him any further than I can throw him! Whatever you do, don't look him in the eye unless you have the right charms like worm feathers!"
Christie Brinkley's Ex-Husband Depicts Ugly Image of Supermodel
Brinkley claims that he's had ugly image photo-shopped!
Sun Fires Off 2 Huge Solar Flares in One-Two Punch!
"Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee..I'm Mohammed Ali!" Flares could mix communication times and cause computer, TV problems!
Olympic Games Ticket Sold To A Member Of The Public
'We don't know how such an error occurred,' confessed Chair of the London 2012 Organising Committee, Sebastian Coe. 'The ticket has now been confiscated and reallocated to a corporate sponsor.'
Prisoners TV £1 a week - NHS Patients £70 a week
NHS hospital patients now have to pay up to £10 a day to watch TV while Prisoners spend just £1 a week.
"What a crazy country we are living in!"
That the Health Secretary was unable to enter a hospital without a police escort!
The humiliation of the hapless Andrew Lansley would be funny if the medical care of people wasn't such a serious matter.
"Says it all about his destruction of the NHS!"
Benefits cheat mum invented 10 children!
Sarah Jane Smith, 41, also pretended her two real kids were severely disabled to justify claiming child tax credits.
One in four benefit cheats 'lost'!
One in four arrest warrants slapped on benefit fraudsters are still outstanding two years after being issued.
"Well fancy that!"
UK Population United On Austerity Measures
'100% of the UK population support stringent, targeted austerity measures,' confirmed a spokesman for MORI, today. 'All believe, however, that measures should be targeted at anyone other than them.'
Middle class mecca John Lewis/Waitrose reports 3.8% fall in profits, dear oh dear.....looks like LIDL could be on the cards ladies!
Down the Crapper!
Plan to save £159m costs Whitehall £1.4bn...."well done chaps, Britisg efficiency at it's very best.....again!"
Balotelli joins "The Hood"!
Balotelli attempted not to attract too much attention by joining the "Hoody Gang". His first attempt to remain anonymous in a Manchester Mall failed. He was ejected, wearing one, a Hoody that is!
All Sluts are not Created Equal
Laura Ingraham is a "right - wing slut according to MSNBC's Ed Schultz." Ms. Ingraham is still waiting for President Obama's call.
No More DittoHeads?
Rush Limbaugh's faithful listeners now referred to as "Dodoheads!"
Tennessee Professor Tries to Drive Across US on 10 Gallons of Gas
"Of course, it would have been easier going from north to south instead of across, because it would have been all downhill."
But Tofu, Yogurt & Apples Are Good For You!
A group of school kids in Alabama are considering launching a lawsuit against Michelle Obama for starving them. "She's changed our school lunches and we're not going to take it anymore."
Loggers Stepping In A Lot Of Logs These Days
A large group of environmentalists say they are joining the bears by crapping in the woods. "With crap everywhere they step, we think a lot of loggers will give up."
Obama Talks About NKorea Trade
President Obama told reporters at press conference yesterday that he hopes the food for nuke inspections with NKorea. "However, I've completely given up on FOX News!"
Leader of hacking group LulzSec's Sabu worked for us - FBI
Well in the current economy it makes sense to go out and get a part-time evening job.
Allen Stanford guilty of $7bn Ponzi scheme
An American who likes cricket? Knew it was too good to be true..
Southern Water to import Scottish rainclouds.
£55m contract with Scotland, in bid to avert future droughts, and maintain supplies.
Lady Gaga wants a baby.
Limbaugh Thanks Friends
Rush Limbaugh told his audience Monday that he thought about not coming in to do his show Monday after all the bad publicity. "I want to thank the people here who left a path of sausages to the door."
This week, a 95-year-old woman married a 98-year-old man to become the world's oldest newlyweds. The couple celebrated the occasion by breathing in each others hearing aids.
Pests Are Plentiful
Warm winter may bring pest-filled spring, summer and politicians in the fall!
AP Source: Colts expected to part with Manning!
"Better that than parting with fifty million dollars for a 'noodle' arm", states owner.
France says Iran "two-faced", skeptical talks can succeed!
Iran counters with, "You would be two-faced too if you had as many nuclear accidents as we have!"
Israel cautiously welcomes big-power talks with Iran
"And don't come back with that 'Peace in our time' crap", says Netanyahu!
Judge temporarily blocks Wisconsin voter ID law!
"What do you want, a group from across the US examining each ID to see if it's authentic, like those hanging chads in Florida?"
Democrats protest plan for Rush Limbaugh bust in Missouri
"If he's going to bust, we want him to bust in New York or Florida. Why don't he just cut down on so much eating?"
Palin backs Gingrich, leaves door open for herself!
Most Republicans hope that it's the Back Door!
Still Witless, Ron Paul campaign presses on
I'm sorry. That should read: Still "winless", Ron Paul campaign presses on!
Private sector adds 216,000 jobs in February!
Government sector asks them to pay their taxes in advance!
What sank the Titanic? Scientists point to the moon!
Just before there's a police drug raid on Think Tank!
Obama mulls giving Moscow data on missile defense.
Also, top military plans, how far new weapon research we have, where our spies are located in Russia.
Don't Go To Mexico!
For the third year in a row many colleges have asked their students not to spend Spring Break in Mexico. "Hard to keep those grades up without a head", says one school President.
High school's chant of 'USA! USA!' deemed racist.
So cheers have changed to "Kiss My Ass! Kiss My Ass!"
Feds Swoop Down on Alleged Web Hackers.
But too late to save several endangered spider species!
BACKFIRE: Company Stock Plummets After Limbaugh Ad Drop.
New Advertisers now lining up!
Return of the seagulls?
Newcastle attacking midfielder Hatem Ben Arfa says he wants to become the new Eric Cantona of English football.
Crystal Palace fans - you have been warned!
Chelsea want Pep Guardiola as manager
Sources say he'll come to Stamford Bridge if Abramovitch agrees to rename Chelsea 'Barcelona' to bring all his players from Barcelona and finally bring Spanish weather to London.. Sounds good to me!
Cameron arrested by police
"I was only trying to cross the road!" cried an exasperated British PM David Cameron as he was arrested today for jaywalking in Whitehall. Police had no alternative but to nab him as he ran a red.
Obama Creating Jobs: Wanted Babysitter
President Obama said he "…called Ms. Fluke because I thought about Malia and Sasha."
Sandra Fluke is Pregnant
When asked how? "It was just a Fluke."
Ready For Purim?
Election year conversion on Israel for President Obama who has not been all that friendly to Israel the past 3 years. This evening he said, "The US has always backed Israel", while wearing a yarmulke.
That Kid Looks Familiar
Parents Forget Child, 3, at Chuck E Cheese, Find Out on Evening News! "I kept telling Henry, I had this odd feeling all the way home."
Police Officer Evicted Due to Human Rights Violation
The police officer was evicted by dragging him (literally) from the station and thrown into an ambulance -- a karmic effect!
Police Officer Arrested for Using Drugs
He was arrested, but aside from drugs, a prescription was found in his pockets.
Teacher Lets Students Resolve Conflict Through Boxing
This teacher thinks that these students look like Manny Pacquiao and Floyd Mayweather Jr. Appropriate action was taken, though.
Don't Mess Wid Da Council!
United Nations Security Council kinda mulling over proposed possible Syria resolution...maybe.
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