Spoof news snippets from Tuesday 6 March 2012
Just another snippet
Ex Olympic wrestling champ, Spiro Costalopolous, says he wants to set up an illegal importing racket involving hard drugs, jewellery and goat herds. The first two are credible but goats??!! C'mon guy!
Greece Will Be Fine, Trust Me
Greece should be able to repay the EU for their bailout withing five years according to Greek Finance Minister Evangelos Madoff. Venizelos.
Bill Maher calls Sarah Palin a 'Dumb Twat'
Separated at birth from Limbaugh.
David Letterman: "Palin's 14 year old daughter knocked up by Alex Rodriguez"
Separated at birth from Limbaugh.
SNL's Dan Aykroyd to Jane Curtain, "Jane, you ignorant slut"
Separated at birth from comedy
MSNBC's Ed Schultz: Laura Ingraham's a 'Right-Wing Slut"
Separated at birth from Limbaugh.
Clearly Running Behind Others
Pres. Obama top science & technology official has warned that the U.S. cannot expect to be No. 1 in science & technology forever. "After all", he stated, "we still don't have the cloaking device."
Putin Wins Big!
Russians proudly announce that, unlike the US, their people get out and vote no matter the weather! Yesterday's turnout has been reported at 112%.
Padres defend ugly uniforms
But we're Padres, says manager...all decked out in black with a white collar.
Romney, Paul Argue Over Taxes
Romney tells Ron Paul that if U.S. citizens refused to pay any taxes, the country would be heavily in debt. Ron Paul: You mean, like now?
Loser By A Nose!
Egypt Islamist lawmaker fired for nose job. "But I looked like that bird on the fruit Loops", he argues.
Taylor Swift Shows Some Skin
Taylor Swift shows off curves in bikini! Well, they're there! Look closer!
Wall Street Slides Down!
Wall St. slides on economy worries, Greek debt, Libs staying in office!
President Obama: 'I don't know what's in Rush Limbaugh's heart'
What about all your pals names for Sarah Palin, Michelle Bachmann?
Same Solution For Any Problem
Asked how he managed to halt the oil slick in the gulf & any talk at election time, President Obama stated, "Like always, we just poured some money into it...actually, $1.00 bills soaked it up.
Iceland Still Suffering From Volcano
Doctors in Iceland say that more than a year after the volcano erupted there, patients are still coughing up Lava Flem!
McNugget sold for $8100,00 was a fake!
The George Washington look-alike McNugget sold for the above amount is a fake, The original one was thrown in the owner's dog's mouth and came out looking like crap!
"Marinez Just Shot Past Pellman!"
Dallas Texas will hold it's first Marathon this year. Everyone needs to watch the official starter closely because over 80% of the participants will be carrying guns.
Libs After Limbaugh
Every liberal out there is after Rush Limbaugh and his name calling, even the VP. "I always knew that Porker would put his foot in his mouth one day. He's a Fluke!"
Clown Outfits Shipped Back Home
The Border Guards between the US and Mexico have caught 35 people trying to sneak into the US. "There were just a few too many Clown Cars going by lately", stated the arresting officer.
COPS: Suburban soccer mom with 4 kids ran Manhattan brothel! "See there, we can all pull our own weight if we try", responds Ron Paul.
Unless You're A SEAL!
Navy to place breath-test machines on all its ships. If you can't breathe, you MUST report to sick bay.
Winner of $336 million lottery jackpot is 81-year-old woman!
"I plan to doodle all under the bandersnatch! Furble around the whole county in a tugboat!
Romney Not Worried?
Gingrich: Romney is rich enough not to have to worry about gas prices, unlike we the people with only one million dollars.
Gingrich Will Not Vote In Primary!
"I am taking my ball and going home!"
Made In The UK
Labour retard Little Eddie Milipeed: "Give goods a 'made in Britain' mark.....first person to actually find anything worthwhile that is made in Britain wins a one way ticket out of this shithole!
Pink Slips Handed Out!
Activists holding "pink slips" have scattered across lower Manhattan to call attention to the millions of unemployed. Other pink slips were handed out to Manhattan's transvestites.
Queen Set To Manage Chelsea
The Queen wants the Chelsea job. The current manager of the Royal family feels she's taken them as far as she can and it's time for a new challenge.
Roberto Di Matteo wants Chelsea 'passion' *
* Ahead of FA Cup replay with Birmingham.
Most ex-Chelsea managers just end up with a pension.
Greek debt deal to cost RBS £825 million.
Thank God they decided to stop the CEO bonuses.
Mario Baloteli apologises for strip club visit.
"When my friend said we were going to a club to watch a pair of big tits - I thought he meant Suarez and Dalglish".
Benefits cheat mum invented 10 children
Apparently, one of them was good enough to play for Man United, but she wouldn't let him sign in case she lost her benefits.
Keep Shoe-Bomber In Prison
Al-Qaida requests that the US keep the Shoe Bomber in jail. "You don't know how many troops her has cost us", says one leader.
Coldplay regret name of last album *
* After Chris Martin says Mylo Xyloto can't be googled.
Co-incidentally, I regret listening to any coldplay song, ever.
Ex-boss Scolari claims Chelsea post is job from hell
Thank god it pays multi-millions!
British Olympians told not to shake hands *
Just go and cry at the back after losing like a true Brit.
* For health and safety reasons.
Voting fraud in Russia?
Turnout in Chechna 107%. Putin got 1,482 votes, while his communist opposition got one. There are only 1,389 people registered to vote.
And i thought Tower Hamlets was bad.
Netanyahu On Iran
President Obama needs to quit having Wile E. Coyote ordering Acme supplies to use in stopping Iran nuke build-up!
Super Tuesday in ten US states.
I'm having chicken and leek.
Oh hang on, that's Soup on Tuesday.
Obama, Read Your Mail!
Greece has overspent on large social programs until they have a national debt so large that they can never pay it back. Every American copy this and mail it to the White House!
Girl who posed as a boy to molest teen girls is jailed
Good news for her - she's going to a woman's prison.
Earthquake In Argintina
A magnitude-6.1 earthquake has shaken Argentina, but there are no reports of damage or injury to natives or old Nazis, according to Argentine reporter, Goucho Pinto.
Mexican Carlos Slim named worlds richest man
Worth $68.5 billion (dollars) and he still has time for a siesta every day.
Heavy rain and gale force winds on the way
Best to stay indoors and read the spoof.
Jamaica Wants Royal Ties Cut
Jamaica's Prime Minister Portia Simpson Miller said it was time for the Caribbean island to cut all ties with Britain and ditch the monarchy, apologizes for Prince Harry's head-rubbing.
Turkish MP breaks record for longest speech in Parliament
"Hurry up the wifes cooking kebab at home".
Putin Already Cracking Down On Freedoms
Putin's spokesman defends arrests of protesters. "It's a tradition", says Putin spokesman.
US To Supply Food For NKoreans Loyal To Government
NKorea's willingness to cut a surprise deal with the United States on the future of its nuclear program does not signal any policy shift by the government. "They'll give food to soldiers", as usual.
What Do We Pay The US Government For?
Voters give heavy blow to Ron Paul's statement that tornado victims do not need help from government.
No Animal Rights?
Iowa governor signs law penalizing animal rights. "He should be put down", says PETA rep.
New Green Labels On Cigs?
Obama admin appeals ruling on tobacco health label "Smoking can help cut down on the earth's overcrowding."
One In Every Student's Truck
Colorado court says students can carry guns on campus. "Of course, we are limiting them to rifles, shotguns and pistols", says judge.
Dozens arrested protesting education cuts at California. Those who lost their "Be-In For Beginners" class the loudest.
Where are Mitt Romney's sons?
Forget the sons. Where are his other wives?
Got The Most Volts
Chevy Volt named 'European Fire of Year'...That should be "Car of the Year!"
David Cameron wants more episodes of Gavin and Stacey
I see he's chasing the welsh sheep. I mean vote.
Sex Changes A Fluke?
REPORT: Sandra Fluke argued for employers to cover sex changes? Limbaugh now asks if he owes an apology to "Sonny" Fluke!
WikiLeaks: Bin Laden Not Buried At Sea
The body of Al-Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden was not buried at sea, according to WikiLeaks. Relatives of those lost on 911 say they have a secret place to go moon a "likeness" of the terrorist.
New The Times Puzzle
The Times will be printing a new variation on the sodoku puzzle in tomorrows paper which is done over three lines of various lengths and will be called the haiku sodoku.
Music impresario hospitalised
Peter Waterman, of the hit eighties music label, Stock, Aitken and Waterman has been rushed to hospital. "He was dehydrated," said a doctor. Friend, Mike Stock, sent a nice warming drink of Oxo.
Train gig cancelled
Californian easy-listening rockers, Train, have been forced to cancel another UK gig, this time in Birmingham, due to leaves on the line.
Villa boss McCleish linked to Chelsea vacancy.
And in an ironic role reversal, Andre Villas-Boas will take over the job he was born to do, as manager of Aston Villa.
Cyprus: 98-year-old woman faces gambling charge
Police have summoned a 98-year-old and 40 other elderly women mostly in their 70s, to face gambling charges after raiding their weekly poker party.
LA Chimpanzees get pregnant after vasectomies!
"The little monkeys!"
Transport Secretary Justine Greening claims 10p bus fare
She has twice claimed 10p on BUS fares, new expenses figures reveal.
The 10p fares were charged to an Oyster card on journeys between Tooting and Balham in South London.
Man registers dog to vote in New Mexico
He filled out Buddy the dog's information with a made-up Social Security number at a voter registration booth on the University of New Mexico's campus. Buddy received his registration card Wednesday!
Zoo offers animal poop to gardeners!
Riverbanks Zoo and Garden in Columbia, S.C., is offering lucky gardeners a chance to put in orders for its famed poop produced by elephants, giraffes and zebras.
For Sale: Entire French Village At £275,000
The buyer who gets the hamlet of Courbefy, will own 19 buildings including houses, a village hall, a swimming pool, stables and tennis courts. It is now deserted.
"Someone tell Cameron quick!"
Woman is selling her Chicken McNugget on eBay, which she says resembles George Washington's face!
A Nebraska woman is auctioning a three-year-old McDonald's Chicken McNugget she believes resembles Ex-President, George Washington.
"That's nothing, I shat a Turd that look's like David Cameron!"
Nothing's Obama's Fault
Dems blame Obama's transgender ex-nanny being an outcast in Indonesia on Wall Street.
Do You Want Fries with That?
President Obama wants the food police to regulate Americans eating of fast food. However, the president has given himself a waiver for eating double cheese Jalapeño burgers at Five Guys!
Separation of Church and Christians
Evangelical and Baptist Church leaders say Mormon Mitt Romney is not a Christian. Do they actually prefer the current Christian occupying the White House?
Divine Help Sought
President Obama wants to keep his job so badly, that he has asked Jesus for help. Even Jesus can't perform such a miracle!
Save the Date
The first annual former VP Biden Foot-In-Mouth Festival will be held on January 21, 2013 in Wilmington Delaware!
Fair is Fair
Hollywood star liberals love President Obama, so they don't hire black maids or service staff. However, they do employ illegal Mexican gardeners!
Mr. Spock Says this is Illogical
Rabid environmentalists say there is a US water shortage that will have an environmental impact. Rabid environmentalists say that building any new water facilities will have an environmental impact.
New Democratic Election Strategy
Former Democratic President Jimmy Carter endorses Texas Republican Congressman Ron Paul for president in the 2012 election!
Win One for the Gipper
Presidential advisor Valarie Jarrett indicated that unemployed people using taxpayer provided funding, vice being employed, stimulates the US economy. President Obama promptly fired Valarie!
Environmentalist Protest Gone Awry
Fifty rabid environmentalists exploded today on the lawn of the US Capitol, after their 15 day refusal to go potty. They were protesting the use of inorganic lawn fertilizers!
Taxing the Working Girls
President Obama asks Congress to make prostitution legal in all 50 states, as he wants to levy a value-added tax. Why not, since the president is already screwing the American middle class?
Tastes So Good
FDA discovers urine in imported German beers, plans on adding warning labels. German brew masters indicate that beer has been brewed this way for 600 years, giving our quaff a unique taste!
Samuel Morse didn't build his first telegraph line in Maryland in 1850 (along Telegraph Road) because an environmentalist group sued over protecting the habitat of the Annapolis field mouse!
President Obama is so concerned with women's health issues that he has asked OSHA to regulate men's penis size!
Democratic President Obama is Emperor Nero, fiddling while Rome burns ($16 trillion US debt and climbing). Republican Senator Santorum pretends to be like Caesars wife, holier than a Vestal Virgin!
Borax cleans up at box office!
Borax cleans up at box office with $70.7M debut. That's a lot of money to have theaters cleaned. Wonder how many? What? Lorax?
Ashes To Ashes, Worms To Worms!
Human origins traced to worm fossil in Canada. "It took some adjusting, rearranging, reclassifying, turning a blind eye towards critics and all that sort of thing but we're 100% sure", says Scientist.
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