Spoof news snippets from July 2012
There were 374 spoof news snippets published in July 2012. A selection of the best rated snippets is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
Banks to bulldoze Florida to expand Disney
Now that the people have no money left, banks will be bulldozing house to expand playgrounds for the rich. See hour lead story, "How to make your hose 'dozer ready"
New Olympic sport announced
Just two days before the Olympic Games begin, a new sport has been added to the event - Moaning.
Britain is sure to get gold, as famous whinging Londoner Mona Lott will moan about the Olympics.
Cameron heaps praise on 'Tour de France' winner Bradley Wiggins
After having the concept of cycling explained to him and finding out who Bradley Wiggins is, our PM, clearly a cycling officiando, has declared himself "delighted" with Wiggins achievement.
Robin Van Persie statement to Arsenal fans.
"Its not about the money, money, money. I wanna win a trophy, trophy, trophy, even a Carling Cup, might cheer me up"
Why is it such a long word?
BBC reduces its star pay by £9.5 million in the financial year 2011-12.
It sounds like they've axed loads of highly paid stars until you realise that £6 million of the reduction was made by not renewing Jonathan Ross' contract.
TOWIE tv star bares bum at lap-dancing club.
Well that's one way to make a good impression at a job interview.
Euro 2020 football tournament could have 12 to 13 host cities
Has the European Championship turned into Formula One?
Robin Van Persie to refuse new contract at Arsenal.
Rumour is he wants to join the Scottish Premier League to replace Rangers. Apparently he is a one man team.
If he invests people's money - bit ominous that he is called a Broker
Englishman reaches final of Wimbledon
Jeremy Gusset will be the first Englishman to participate in the Wimbledon final for 73 years. He will be head ballboy.
Empty Seats at Olympics
The army comes to the rescue again!
Grampian Police Investigate Theft Of Up to 400 Sheep.
Police are looking for a man who has been having trouble sleeping.
A spokesman added that they will not allow anyone to pull the wool over
their eyes during the investigation.
Jordanian politician pulls gun on rival during tv debate
Something for Nick Clegg to consider at the next meeting with Cameron.
Prince Charles Quotes Shakespeare's Richard III
"A Horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse!"
So they gave him Camilla...
"I've been robbed!"
Queen Liz has just published her financial accounts, which show that the Royal parasites cost the taxpayer 52p per person last year...daylight robbery considering the old fart is worth 42bn +!!
Jermaine Jackson denies his mother has gone missing
He said she's just gone away to get some peace and quiet while she reads '50 Shades of Grey'
Patrons at OctoMom Stripping Gig Very Offended
Peggy and Walter Jenkins and other patrons who came to see the OctoMom say what should have been a lovely show was ruined by excessive cigarette smoke and heavy cussing in the nightclub.
Jordanian politician pulls gun on rival during tv debate
Why did no-one ever do that to Dubya?
Internet 'Doomsday' Could Kick Thousands Offline On 9 July
If anyone misses my snippets send five quid to my office near the Bow Flyover and I'll post my gags to ya.
Gay Gordon can legally marry his male partner in Scotland!
Gay Gordon is preparing for his wedding in Scotland; guess what the happy pair will be wearing? You guessed it; "pink tartan kilts!"
Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 105
Girls Aloud star Sarah Harding quashes reports she has reunited with former fiancé, Tom Crane
She's holding out for Tom Cruise...
Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 106
Studies Show 80% of People Watch Sports On-Line This Summer
80% of people watching sports this summer will do so on-line. 100% of those people will do so after watching on-line porn.
Half-canned Brit saves 5 lives in Andalucia!
A brave rescue action took place in a swimming pool in Orgavia last night! A pissed Brit saved 5 lives from drowning; 2 wasps, 2 moths and a huge black beetle; They forgot to put on their swim vests!
Go compare 'vandalise' their own billboard ads
Well it was either them or us!
Man recovers car 42 years after theft
Sadly, his cigarettes and matches from the glove box were gone.
Rapper Ice T Makes Documentary
Ice T Makes a hip hop documentary. His studio will offer two versions: sweet and unsweet.
I've employed this Alligator in a vest to help me - he's called the Investigator!
Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 110
Kim Kardashian and Kanye visit sick kids in hospital
Haven't they suffered enough?
Vulcan Salute origins revealed!
The split-fingered Vulcan salute is actually intended to represent the first letter. As a boy, Leonard Nimoy observed his rabbi using it in benediction and was eventually added it to Star Trek lore!
John Terry is not a racist because he's whiter than white!
John Terry is innocent and the whole soccer world is happy; but next time he hurls insults at his fellow pros maybe he should wash his mouth out with soap, that'll prove he's whiter than white!
Live Tennis Updates: God Indecisive
The almighty buys some time to decide the winner as play is suspended at a set all in Wimbledon final.
Troops deployed in London for Olympic games
Around 13,500 are being deployed, more than currently in Afghanistan!
It's a mad mad world!
Jaime Winstone is to play a stripper in a gritty new drama being filmed in London.
Well at least its not her dad Ray...
Madonna 'I love you Poland' joke falls flat at Hyde Park concert
Looks like she'll be asking me for her money back on that one.
Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 102
Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 103
Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 104
Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 107
Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 108
Sen. T. Ment
Man With Bizarre Anatomy has Run-In with TSA
Man with bizarre anatomy has run-in with TSA. TSA was shocked to discover it really was just a banana in his pocket.
Man Utd bid for RIP!
Man Utd have put a bid in for Arsenal's RIP (?) Oops sorry RVP and if they sell him then they can RIP!
Cat Celebrates 15 Years As Mayor Of Alaskan Town
Well anyone's better than Boris Johnson.
'Finding Nemo 2' going ahead with original's director
Sounds a bit two fishy to me.
Excerpts from the book of Norman Wisdom
If rules weren't meant to be broken...why do they make them of shatterproof plastic?
Leaning on a lampost
50 Cent: I want to work with Frank Ocean
I want to play 50 shades of grey style but the missus has put the kibosh on it...
Drunken German Football Fans Celebrate Woman Parking Her Car
Well they haven't had much else to celebrate lately...
Andy Murray Drops Balls
When playing against Marcos Bagdatis, both of Andy Murray's balls fell out of his shorts causing him to lose a couple of points. The crowds were embarrassed too!
Jetstream Must Be Moved Northwards To Improve British Weather
'We need heated air currents coming from the south,' explained a Met Office spokesman. 'Currently, the most popular plan among the British public is to set fire to France.'
Huge Savings To Be Made By Cutting Police Officers
By cutting 6,000 police officers, forces can be expected to sell around 3,000 police cars as well. This will save billions of pounds in fuel. Those who wish to remain, will be forced to use bicycles.
God Particle May Been Found
It costs just £2.6 billion to discover the God particle. Now that it's been found, the scientists may be able to spend more time and money on discovering the elusive Lord Lucan.
Bradley Wiggins First Mod Sporting Hero
The mod cyclist may have set the precedent for the first hippy boxer or goth tennis player
Nick Clegg compares being in government to being 'gradually lobotomised'
Well that explains partnering with the Tories in 2010.
Rupert Murdock Quits
Rupert Murdock quits board of British newspapers. He will instead invest in surfboards.
Olympic Flame Finally Arrives in London
The Olympic flame arrives in London. Organizers realize too late that it arrived too late for the rioting qualifications.
Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 94
Lib R. Arrey.
"He's behind you!!"
The UK Border Agency admits to 'losing' 150,000 failed migrants and has not got the resources to look for them, try Stratford or even the Olympic site, doubtless many are employed as 'security' guards
Philippine official dismissed after Facebook photo
Nueva Ecija was dismissed after Facebook photos showed him attending a high school reunion when he was supposed to be at work, for gross misconduct and dishonesty.
They don't like it up 'em!
A woman has admitted smashing Simon Cowell's window, it could have been so much worse if it had been a drunken sailor smashing in his back doors!!
Octomon Slated to Star in "Eight Is Enough" Movie
Octomom has agreed to star in a movie "remake" of the popular American television comedy-drama series. Octomom released the following statement to the press: "Eight is Enough! Beleive me, I know."
Mysterious Monster Washes up on New York Beach
The carcass of a mysterious animal has been found washed up on the beach of a New York river. Various conspiracy theories believe it to be a pig or a dog and even some belief that it is Cherie Blair.
Killers and Rapists Could Be Released Early As Parole Is Watered down
This is due to human rights issues and is really to make room for Christians who are quickly losing their human rights!
David Haye To Launch New Book
After winning his fight against Dereck Chisora at the weekend, World champion boxer, David Hay has announced that he will be publishing his new book called 50 Shades of Haye.
Brad and Jen Have Buried the Hatchet!
Angelina remains just below the surface.....
Great Hoaxes of the 21st Century
Rolling Stones Mick Jagger: I have slept with 4000 women! President Barack Obama: The US economy and job creation are improving!
Fish And Chips Blamed For UK Obesity Crisis.
A Government Health Spokesman said clearly we needed a change for the batter.
Center for Disease Control Alert
CDC is warning uninfected states about any influx of liberals that may cause a rash of overspending, taxation, regulations & bankruptcies as has occurred in some eastern states & California cities!
Syria's athletes run gauntlet of violence, civil unrest and fear......
......that said they are enjoying other aspects of East London.
£10 million anonymously donated to the University of Southampton for cancer research
'We will track down the culprit,' vowed George Osborne, Chancellor of the Exchequer, 'and review his tax returns with a fine toothed comb. Hopefully, he will be prosecuted and imprisoned.'
Government To Reintroduce Conscription To Fill Stadiums For Olympic Football Tournament
'We can't give the tickets away,' admitted Seb Coe to reporters. 'Emergency legislation is being prepared to compel all UK citizens to attend at least one game.'
Man recovers car 42 years after theft
The car was stolen 42 years ago. He got it back after spotting it on eBay!
He had never given up searching for the 1967 Austin Healy after it was stolen from his Philadelphia home in 1970.
Thieves in New York City have started a new sneaker trend!
One Bronx sneaker store says the thieves do their research. They know before they steal a left shoe which store has a right shoe of the same size and style on display.
"The ingenuity of crooks!"
2 women in their 80s parachute for Ohio charity!
83-year-old Marjorie Bryan and 82-year-old Marianna Sherman have parachuted from a plane to raise money for a veterans' food pantry in northwest Ohio.
"Marjorie and Marianna... magnificent!"
Singles try to sniff out love at pheromone parties!
Guests are asked to submit a slept-in T-shirt that will be smelled by other participants.
Then, voila! You can pick your partner based on scent, of so the theory goes.
"Will it's different!"
Man breaks into house, cut himself on window, and dies
Vermont State Police say a man died after he broke into a home by smashing a glass window and was severely cut as he climbed through it.
"Good! - if he was breaking in!"
Armed boy, 9, steals electric car
A Swedish company said a 9-year-old armed with what was believed to be an air gun stole an electric car and drove around for about 10 minutes before crashing.
"He must have some English blood in him?"
David Cameron doesn't 'see a time' when austerity programme will end!
"Bless the nepotistic, wealthy, spoon-in-the-mouth, arrogant, git!"
Couple find and return £7680!
The couple who found a bag on top of a convenience store rubbish bin said it never crossed their minds to keep the money.
"Obviously not politicians or Big Issue sellers then!"
Police Officer fired for tipping of a friend of raid by text.
Police in Florida said an officer lost his job after text messaging with a friend who was about to be busted by a SWAT team!
"Future politician in the making?"
New Government toll plan: motorists to pay for upgraded roads
"I should think so too! Just 'cause they pay more fuel tax than any other country, and insurance and road tax, they are getting spoilt you know!
"Damn the motorists, hang um, shoot um!"
74-year-old policeman nears retirement
Sgt. Maj. Arnold McGinnis said he's preparing to retire as an officer after nearly 50 years on the job.
He joined the department at the age of 25 in 1962.
"Well done, and all the best to you Sir!"
First gold medal--and arrest--at Olympics
China's Yi Siling won gold in the 10m air rifle, then was promptly arrested for being "too damn good with a gun." Mitt Romney, currently ridding his vocab of anti-Semitic remarks, is said to approve.
UK Citizens polled on how miserable their city is!
Birmingham - 69.57% miserable - Manchester - 33% miserable
Leeds - 30.22% - Newcastle - 23%
Nottingham folk were too busy mugging, being mugged, shoplifting and benefit claiming to reply!
Alex Salmond Wanted To Cut Ties From England BEFORE Sunday
It can be revealed that SNP leader, Alex Salmond wanted to cut ties from England before Sunday's tennis final. This will reinforce the fact that and the is SCOTTISH and Britain does not own him!
Paul McCartney At 70
It is rumoured that now Paul McCartney has turned 70 years old, he has already forgotten what it was like "when I'm 64"
Serena Williams wins Wimbledon Womens Final.
She has now won 5 Womens Singles at Wimbledon, the same as sister Venus. They now have to play a penalty shoot out to decide the overall winner.
As an england football fan, I can't bear to watch.
Cameron Promises Referendum
Speaking before today's Wimbledon final, Prime Minister David Cameron said: "I must reiterate that the time for us to launch a referendum will be right when Andy Murray wins - you have my word!"
Is the Drought Over?
I drought it.
Missing bishop found safe and sound.......
....it was in the cluedo box along with a couple of pawns and the missing white rook.
Man Utd offer Andy Carroll a contract, but not a footie one!
Sir Alex Ferguson has offered Liverpool reject Andy Carroll a lifeline. Andy impressed SAF so much with his head-butting ability that he wants Andy as his personal bodyguard, chauffeur and valet!
Part-time PM 'do-nothing-Dave' obliged to cobble together 3,500 troops to fill security shortfall at the 2012 Olympics due to contracted G45's inability to recruit enough 'minimum wage' security staff
We Should Have Culled Those Badgers!
T.B.is making a comeback!
Notes to editors: in this case T.B.is Tony Blair.
Census points to increase in scum
The Daily Muck has analysed UK 2011 census data and concluded there are 20% more scum than in 2001.
The paper had campaigned unsuccessfully to have the question "Are you scum?" added to the census.
Aussie & US Olympic athletes 'lost for four hours' as driver gets lost in London
Apparently the driver had never driven to the Olympic Village before.
What happened to the 'jobs for local people' Boris?
I hear David Beckham is available, or are you training him up for security???
The classic English dessert has been renamed to avoid embarrassment. The pud has been given the title Spotted Richard, after Hounslow Council bosses feared the original name might cause offence.
Google employee Marissa Mayer become Yahoo CEO
Why would a google staffer go to work for Yahoo?
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