There were 374 spoof news snippets published in July 2012. A selection of the best rated snippets is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.

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Banks to bulldoze Florida to expand Disney

Now that the people have no money left, banks will be bulldozing house to expand playgrounds for the rich. See hour lead story, "How to make your hose 'dozer ready"

written by Aspartame Boy, 10 July 2012
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New Olympic sport announced

Just two days before the Olympic Games begin, a new sport has been added to the event - Moaning.

Britain is sure to get gold, as famous whinging Londoner Mona Lott will moan about the Olympics.

written by CaptainSausage, 25 July 2012
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Cameron heaps praise on 'Tour de France' winner Bradley Wiggins

After having the concept of cycling explained to him and finding out who Bradley Wiggins is, our PM, clearly a cycling officiando, has declared himself "delighted" with Wiggins achievement.

Great.

written by Simon Saunders, 30 July 2012
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Robin Van Persie statement to Arsenal fans.

"Its not about the money, money, money. I wanna win a trophy, trophy, trophy, even a Carling Cup, might cheer me up"

written by radiogagger, 04 July 2012
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Abbreviated

Why is it such a long word?

written by j.w., 25 July 2012
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BBC reduces its star pay by £9.5 million in the financial year 2011-12.

It sounds like they've axed loads of highly paid stars until you realise that £6 million of the reduction was made by not renewing Jonathan Ross' contract.

written by Simon Saunders, 17 July 2012
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TOWIE tv star bares bum at lap-dancing club.

Well that's one way to make a good impression at a job interview.

written by radiogagger, 10 July 2012
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Euro 2020 football tournament could have 12 to 13 host cities

Has the European Championship turned into Formula One?

written by radiogagger, 01 July 2012
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Robin Van Persie to refuse new contract at Arsenal.

Rumour is he wants to join the Scottish Premier League to replace Rangers. Apparently he is a one man team.

written by radiogagger, 04 July 2012
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My Broker

If he invests people's money - bit ominous that he is called a Broker

written by j.w., 25 July 2012
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Englishman reaches final of Wimbledon

Jeremy Gusset will be the first Englishman to participate in the Wimbledon final for 73 years. He will be head ballboy.

written by CaptainSausage, 06 July 2012
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Empty Seats at Olympics

The army comes to the rescue again!

written by j.w., 29 July 2012
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Grampian Police Investigate Theft Of Up to 400 Sheep.

Police are looking for a man who has been having trouble sleeping.

A spokesman added that they will not allow anyone to pull the wool over
their eyes during the investigation.

written by Simon Saunders, 10 July 2012
Rating:

Jordanian politician pulls gun on rival during tv debate

Something for Nick Clegg to consider at the next meeting with Cameron.

written by radiogagger, 08 July 2012
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"I've been robbed!"

Queen Liz has just published her financial accounts, which show that the Royal parasites cost the taxpayer 52p per person last year...daylight robbery considering the old fart is worth 42bn +!!

written by Herrdoktorfox, 03 July 2012
Rating:

Jermaine Jackson denies his mother has gone missing

He said she's just gone away to get some peace and quiet while she reads '50 Shades of Grey'

written by radiogagger, 23 July 2012
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Patrons at OctoMom Stripping Gig Very Offended

Peggy and Walter Jenkins and other patrons who came to see the OctoMom say what should have been a lovely show was ruined by excessive cigarette smoke and heavy cussing in the nightclub.

written by Lola Heatherton, 29 July 2012
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Jordanian politician pulls gun on rival during tv debate

Why did no-one ever do that to Dubya?

written by radiogagger, 08 July 2012
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Internet 'Doomsday' Could Kick Thousands Offline On 9 July

If anyone misses my snippets send five quid to my office near the Bow Flyover and I'll post my gags to ya.

written by radiogagger, 08 July 2012
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Gay Gordon can legally marry his male partner in Scotland!

Gay Gordon is preparing for his wedding in Scotland; guess what the happy pair will be wearing? You guessed it; "pink tartan kilts!"

written by Jaggedone, 25 July 2012
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Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 105

"Laughing makes me happy"

by

Sarah Tonin

written by IN SEINE, 22 July 2012
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Girls Aloud star Sarah Harding quashes reports she has reunited with former fiancé, Tom Crane

She's holding out for Tom Cruise...

written by radiogagger, 17 July 2012
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Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 106

"How to Succeed in School"

by

Rita Book.

written by IN SEINE, 24 July 2012
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Studies Show 80% of People Watch Sports On-Line This Summer

80% of people watching sports this summer will do so on-line. 100% of those people will do so after watching on-line porn.

written by Ellie James, 20 July 2012
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Prince Charles Quotes Shakespeare's Richard III

"A Horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse!"

So they gave him Camilla...

written by Skoob1999, 02 July 2012
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Half-canned Brit saves 5 lives in Andalucia!

A brave rescue action took place in a swimming pool in Orgavia last night! A pissed Brit saved 5 lives from drowning; 2 wasps, 2 moths and a huge black beetle; They forgot to put on their swim vests!

written by Jaggedone, 21 July 2012
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Go compare 'vandalise' their own billboard ads

Well it was either them or us!

written by radiogagger, 03 July 2012
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Man recovers car 42 years after theft

Sadly, his cigarettes and matches from the glove box were gone.

written by radiogagger, 22 July 2012
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Rapper Ice T Makes Documentary

Ice T Makes a hip hop documentary. His studio will offer two versions: sweet and unsweet.

written by Ellie James, 24 July 2012
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Private Eye

I've employed this Alligator in a vest to help me - he's called the Investigator!

written by j.w., 25 July 2012
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Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 110

"Register Your Invention"

by

Pat Tent

written by IN SEINE, 31 July 2012
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Kim Kardashian and Kanye visit sick kids in hospital

Haven't they suffered enough?

written by radiogagger, 06 July 2012
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Vulcan Salute origins revealed!

The split-fingered Vulcan salute is actually intended to represent the first letter. As a boy, Leonard Nimoy observed his rabbi using it in benediction and was eventually added it to Star Trek lore!

written by Inchcock, 13 July 2012
Rating:

John Terry is not a racist because he's whiter than white!

John Terry is innocent and the whole soccer world is happy; but next time he hurls insults at his fellow pros maybe he should wash his mouth out with soap, that'll prove he's whiter than white!

written by Jaggedone, 13 July 2012
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Live Tennis Updates: God Indecisive

The almighty buys some time to decide the winner as play is suspended at a set all in Wimbledon final.

written by Talking Tic-Tacs, 08 July 2012
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Troops deployed in London for Olympic games

Around 13,500 are being deployed, more than currently in Afghanistan!

It's a mad mad world!

written by Inchcock, 11 July 2012
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Naked Winstone!

Jaime Winstone is to play a stripper in a gritty new drama being filmed in London.
Well at least its not her dad Ray...

written by radiogagger, 10 July 2012
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Madonna 'I love you Poland' joke falls flat at Hyde Park concert

Looks like she'll be asking me for her money back on that one.

written by radiogagger, 18 July 2012
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Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 102

"Cosmetology"

by

Rosie Cheeks.

written by IN SEINE, 19 July 2012
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Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 103

"Play Like Benny Goodman"

by

Clara Nett.

written by IN SEINE, 20 July 2012
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Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 104

"Allegiance to the King"

by

Neil Downe

written by IN SEINE, 21 July 2012
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Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 107

Getting Ready for Vacation"

by

Anita Break

written by IN SEINE, 27 July 2012
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Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 108

"Political Memories"

by

Sen. T. Ment

written by IN SEINE, 28 July 2012
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15th century bra found in Austria!

A revolutionary discovery is rewriting the history of underwear: Some 600 years ago, women wore bras!

Telegraph - Photo

written by Inchcock, 23 July 2012
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Man With Bizarre Anatomy has Run-In with TSA

Man with bizarre anatomy has run-in with TSA. TSA was shocked to discover it really was just a banana in his pocket.

written by Ellie James, 20 July 2012
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Man Utd bid for RIP!

Man Utd have put a bid in for Arsenal's RIP (?) Oops sorry RVP and if they sell him then they can RIP!

written by Jaggedone, 20 July 2012
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Cat Celebrates 15 Years As Mayor Of Alaskan Town

Well anyone's better than Boris Johnson.

written by radiogagger, 20 July 2012
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'Finding Nemo 2' going ahead with original's director

Sounds a bit two fishy to me.

written by radiogagger, 20 July 2012
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Excerpts from the book of Norman Wisdom

If rules weren't meant to be broken...why do they make them of shatterproof plastic?

Leaning on a lampost

written by IainB, 01 July 2012
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50 Cent: I want to work with Frank Ocean

I want to play 50 shades of grey style but the missus has put the kibosh on it...

written by radiogagger, 20 July 2012
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Drunken German Football Fans Celebrate Woman Parking Her Car

Well they haven't had much else to celebrate lately...

written by radiogagger, 20 July 2012
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Andy Murray Drops Balls

When playing against Marcos Bagdatis, both of Andy Murray's balls fell out of his shorts causing him to lose a couple of points. The crowds were embarrassed too!

written by IN SEINE, 02 July 2012
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Jetstream Must Be Moved Northwards To Improve British Weather

'We need heated air currents coming from the south,' explained a Met Office spokesman. 'Currently, the most popular plan among the British public is to set fire to France.'

written by Swan Morrison, 22 July 2012
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Huge Savings To Be Made By Cutting Police Officers

By cutting 6,000 police officers, forces can be expected to sell around 3,000 police cars as well. This will save billions of pounds in fuel. Those who wish to remain, will be forced to use bicycles.

written by IN SEINE, 02 July 2012
Rating:

God Particle May Been Found

It costs just £2.6 billion to discover the God particle. Now that it's been found, the scientists may be able to spend more time and money on discovering the elusive Lord Lucan.

written by IN SEINE, 04 July 2012
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Bradley Wiggins First Mod Sporting Hero

The mod cyclist may have set the precedent for the first hippy boxer or goth tennis player

written by Talking Tic-Tacs, 24 July 2012
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Nick Clegg compares being in government to being 'gradually lobotomised'

Well that explains partnering with the Tories in 2010.

written by radiogagger, 04 July 2012
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Rupert Murdock Quits

Rupert Murdock quits board of British newspapers. He will instead invest in surfboards.

written by Ellie James, 24 July 2012
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Olympic Flame Finally Arrives in London

The Olympic flame arrives in London. Organizers realize too late that it arrived too late for the rioting qualifications.

written by Ellie James, 24 July 2012
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Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 94

"How to Borrow a Book"

by

Lib R. Arrey.

written by IN SEINE, 06 July 2012
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"He's behind you!!"

The UK Border Agency admits to 'losing' 150,000 failed migrants and has not got the resources to look for them, try Stratford or even the Olympic site, doubtless many are employed as 'security' guards

written by Herrdoktorfox, 05 July 2012
Rating:

Philippine official dismissed after Facebook photo

Nueva Ecija was dismissed after Facebook photos showed him attending a high school reunion when he was supposed to be at work, for gross misconduct and dishonesty.

"The fool!"

written by Inchcock, 09 July 2012
Rating:

They don't like it up 'em!

A woman has admitted smashing Simon Cowell's window, it could have been so much worse if it had been a drunken sailor smashing in his back doors!!

written by Herrdoktorfox, 06 July 2012
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Octomon Slated to Star in "Eight Is Enough" Movie

Octomom has agreed to star in a movie "remake" of the popular American television comedy-drama series. Octomom released the following statement to the press: "Eight is Enough! Beleive me, I know."

written by Zako Strle, 27 July 2012
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Mysterious Monster Washes up on New York Beach

The carcass of a mysterious animal has been found washed up on the beach of a New York river. Various conspiracy theories believe it to be a pig or a dog and even some belief that it is Cherie Blair.

written by IN SEINE, 27 July 2012
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Killers and Rapists Could Be Released Early As Parole Is Watered down

This is due to human rights issues and is really to make room for Christians who are quickly losing their human rights!

written by IN SEINE, 27 July 2012
Rating:

David Haye To Launch New Book

After winning his fight against Dereck Chisora at the weekend, World champion boxer, David Hay has announced that he will be publishing his new book called 50 Shades of Haye.

written by IN SEINE, 16 July 2012
Rating:

Brad and Jen Have Buried the Hatchet!

Angelina remains just below the surface.....

written by poeticsatire, 05 July 2012
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Great Hoaxes of the 21st Century

Rolling Stones Mick Jagger: I have slept with 4000 women! President Barack Obama: The US economy and job creation are improving!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 18 July 2012
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Fish And Chips Blamed For UK Obesity Crisis.

A Government Health Spokesman said clearly we needed a change for the batter.

written by asphyxiation, 03 July 2012
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Center for Disease Control Alert

CDC is warning uninfected states about any influx of liberals that may cause a rash of overspending, taxation, regulations & bankruptcies as has occurred in some eastern states & California cities!


written by Philbert of Macadamia, 18 July 2012
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Syria's athletes run gauntlet of violence, civil unrest and fear......

......that said they are enjoying other aspects of East London.

written by HaveIGotNewsForYou, 18 July 2012
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£10 million anonymously donated to the University of Southampton for cancer research

'We will track down the culprit,' vowed George Osborne, Chancellor of the Exchequer, 'and review his tax returns with a fine toothed comb. Hopefully, he will be prosecuted and imprisoned.'

written by Swan Morrison, 18 July 2012
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Government To Reintroduce Conscription To Fill Stadiums For Olympic Football Tournament

'We can't give the tickets away,' admitted Seb Coe to reporters. 'Emergency legislation is being prepared to compel all UK citizens to attend at least one game.'

written by Swan Morrison, 18 July 2012
Rating:

Man recovers car 42 years after theft

The car was stolen 42 years ago. He got it back after spotting it on eBay!
He had never given up searching for the 1967 Austin Healy after it was stolen from his Philadelphia home in 1970.

"Wow!"

written by Inchcock, 21 July 2012
Rating:

Thieves in New York City have started a new sneaker trend!

One Bronx sneaker store says the thieves do their research. They know before they steal a left shoe which store has a right shoe of the same size and style on display.

"The ingenuity of crooks!"

written by Inchcock, 01 July 2012
Rating:

2 women in their 80s parachute for Ohio charity!

83-year-old Marjorie Bryan and 82-year-old Marianna Sherman have parachuted from a plane to raise money for a veterans' food pantry in northwest Ohio.

"Marjorie and Marianna... magnificent!"

written by Inchcock, 02 July 2012
Rating:

Singles try to sniff out love at pheromone parties!

Guests are asked to submit a slept-in T-shirt that will be smelled by other participants.

Then, voila! You can pick your partner based on scent, of so the theory goes.

"Will it's different!"

written by Inchcock, 02 July 2012
Rating:

Man breaks into house, cut himself on window, and dies

Vermont State Police say a man died after he broke into a home by smashing a glass window and was severely cut as he climbed through it.

"Good! - if he was breaking in!"

written by Inchcock, 02 July 2012
Rating:

Armed boy, 9, steals electric car

A Swedish company said a 9-year-old armed with what was believed to be an air gun stole an electric car and drove around for about 10 minutes before crashing.

"He must have some English blood in him?"

written by Inchcock, 02 July 2012
Rating:

David Cameron doesn't 'see a time' when austerity programme will end!

"Bless the nepotistic, wealthy, spoon-in-the-mouth, arrogant, git!"

written by Inchcock, 25 July 2012
Rating:

Couple find and return £7680!

The couple who found a bag on top of a convenience store rubbish bin said it never crossed their minds to keep the money.

"Obviously not politicians or Big Issue sellers then!"

written by Inchcock, 03 July 2012
Rating:

Police Officer fired for tipping of a friend of raid by text.

Police in Florida said an officer lost his job after text messaging with a friend who was about to be busted by a SWAT team!

"Future politician in the making?"

written by Inchcock, 03 July 2012
Rating:

New Government toll plan: motorists to pay for upgraded roads

"I should think so too! Just 'cause they pay more fuel tax than any other country, and insurance and road tax, they are getting spoilt you know!

"Damn the motorists, hang um, shoot um!"

written by Inchcock, 25 July 2012
Rating:

74-year-old policeman nears retirement

Sgt. Maj. Arnold McGinnis said he's preparing to retire as an officer after nearly 50 years on the job.
He joined the department at the age of 25 in 1962.

"Well done, and all the best to you Sir!"

written by Inchcock, 04 July 2012
Rating:

First gold medal--and arrest--at Olympics

China's Yi Siling won gold in the 10m air rifle, then was promptly arrested for being "too damn good with a gun." Mitt Romney, currently ridding his vocab of anti-Semitic remarks, is said to approve.

written by Lyndon, 28 July 2012
Rating:

UK Citizens polled on how miserable their city is!

Birmingham - 69.57% miserable - Manchester - 33% miserable
Leeds - 30.22% - Newcastle - 23%

Nottingham folk were too busy mugging, being mugged, shoplifting and benefit claiming to reply!

written by Inchcock, 13 July 2012
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Alex Salmond Wanted To Cut Ties From England BEFORE Sunday

It can be revealed that SNP leader, Alex Salmond wanted to cut ties from England before Sunday's tennis final. This will reinforce the fact that and the is SCOTTISH and Britain does not own him!

written by IN SEINE, 07 July 2012
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Paul McCartney At 70

It is rumoured that now Paul McCartney has turned 70 years old, he has already forgotten what it was like "when I'm 64"

written by IN SEINE, 07 July 2012
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Serena Williams wins Wimbledon Womens Final.

She has now won 5 Womens Singles at Wimbledon, the same as sister Venus. They now have to play a penalty shoot out to decide the overall winner.
As an england football fan, I can't bear to watch.

written by radiogagger, 08 July 2012
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Cameron Promises Referendum

Speaking before today's Wimbledon final, Prime Minister David Cameron said: "I must reiterate that the time for us to launch a referendum will be right when Andy Murray wins - you have my word!"

written by IN SEINE, 08 July 2012
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Is the Drought Over?

I drought it.

written by j.w., 09 July 2012
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Missing bishop found safe and sound.......

....it was in the cluedo box along with a couple of pawns and the missing white rook.

written by HaveIGotNewsForYou, 10 July 2012
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Man Utd offer Andy Carroll a contract, but not a footie one!

Sir Alex Ferguson has offered Liverpool reject Andy Carroll a lifeline. Andy impressed SAF so much with his head-butting ability that he wants Andy as his personal bodyguard, chauffeur and valet!

written by Jaggedone, 11 July 2012
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"Attenshun!!!"

Part-time PM 'do-nothing-Dave' obliged to cobble together 3,500 troops to fill security shortfall at the 2012 Olympics due to contracted G45's inability to recruit enough 'minimum wage' security staff

written by Herrdoktorfox, 12 July 2012
Rating:

We Should Have Culled Those Badgers!

T.B.is making a comeback!

Notes to editors: in this case T.B.is Tony Blair.

written by IN SEINE, 16 July 2012
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Census points to increase in scum

The Daily Muck has analysed UK 2011 census data and concluded there are 20% more scum than in 2001.

The paper had campaigned unsuccessfully to have the question "Are you scum?" added to the census.

written by CaptainSausage, 16 July 2012
Rating:

Aussie & US Olympic athletes 'lost for four hours' as driver gets lost in London

Apparently the driver had never driven to the Olympic Village before.
What happened to the 'jobs for local people' Boris?
I hear David Beckham is available, or are you training him up for security
???

written by radiogagger, 16 July 2012
Rating:

Spotted Dick

The classic English dessert has been renamed to avoid embarrassment. The pud has been given the title Spotted Richard, after Hounslow Council bosses feared the original name might cause offence.

written by Rebel Not Taken, 04 July 2012
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Google employee Marissa Mayer become Yahoo CEO

Why would a google staffer go to work for Yahoo?
Search me...

written by radiogagger, 17 July 2012
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