Turkey tells Greece to "F++k off"!
Turkey have diplomatically told their arch enemies, Greece, to "F++k off", go bust and drown in the Aegean sea because they want their place! True love never dies!
Kenny Daiglish substitutes pussy Carroll with a "real pussy"!
Andy Carroll, second biggest loser in the Premier League, (Torres Nr 1) was replaced with a real pussy who got nearer the Spurs goal than the other pussy did all night. It was a tail of 2 pussies!
Celtic manager Neil Lennon delighted to reach final.
UK Jails are close to full!
Justice Secretary, and alcohlic Ken Clarke last night warned jails could soon run out of space - as the prison population reached 89,927.
"Well build more then, use the bankers bonus money!"
National Tanning Salon Chain - Going Green
Sun Tan City, a tanning salon chain has installed solar voltaic panels on the roofs of all their salons. A spokesman says, "Now we are truly harnessing the power of the sun in our tanning machines."
Man U boss Fergie explains comeback v Chelsea
'We thought we were playing spurs - we always used to give them a few goal start before coming back to win'
Queen celebrate 60 years as Monarch
THE Queen celebrated 60 years as monarch yesterday by watching children perform The Time Warp.
"I've just celebrated 65 years of impecuniousness wondering how to pay off my electricity bill!"
Co-op gets 64,000 job applications for 400 posts
Co-operative Group has received a staggering 64,000 inquiries for 400 apprenticeship posts.
"Nothing surprising about that nowadays in Cameronland... I mean England!"
£23.3million annual bill for translators in the NHS
Taxpayers are footing a £23.3million annual bill, £64,000 a day, for translators in the NHS, it was revealed yesterday.
"That's all right then, just as long as we know!"
Could the Lib Dems change sides?
Will the coalition break up? Could the Lib Dems change sides?
"That would be interesting!"
Maria Miller, a minister in the DWP, has claimed that there's no job shortage!
Conservative minister in the DWP said that the UK does not have "a shortage of jobs", but unemployed people lack the skills that they need.
"There you are then, if a Tory says it, it must be true!"
7th Feb 2011: UK Voting Intention Poll
"If Labour can't lead now - will they ever?"
Top Totty brand of beer is banned from Parliament
Top Totty was banned from a Parliamentary bar today because its pump plate featuring a half-naked lady.
"I suppose Willie Hague would have preferred a half-naked man?"
6,000 Council House Tenants earning more than £100,000
15,000 tenants in social housing even though they have household incomes of more than £80,000 - with 6,000 earning more than £100,000.
Just thought you'd like to know!"
Cameron - Youths Jobs Vow
David Cameron vows firms would be offered cash incentives to take on 40,000 extra trainees.
"Vows?... er VAT, NHS, pensions, bank bonuses, expense fiddling???? - Cameron vows indeed, my arse!"
Every MP is to get a trendy £500 iPad - funded by the taxpayer
Parliament bosses want to splash out over £250,000 on the Apple gadgets after 16 MPs who tested them said they helped with their Parliamentary duties and would cut paper costs.
"What a load of <@**:'s!"
French president attacks Britain for "having no industry"
Cameron replied: "Well, we have Peugeot, Honda, and Toyota factories.. and er..."
1932: Stalin kills 20 million ethic Russians, more than the Germans did in WW2!
Just a reminder.
Cameron wants more patients at the dentist!
Minsters will unveil plans today to get a million extra patients signed up with an NHS dentist.
"In readiness no doubt for when they are all privatised!"
The Invisible Man Sues Superman
The Invisible Man is suing Superman after he allegedly burned his clothes of with his laser eyes. The Invisible Man claims to suffer from emotional trauma after being left in public completely naked.