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Rating:

Tiger Woods outbids Abu Hamza to buy Jackos White Glove

Tiger Woods has bought Wacko Jackos famous White Glove to help aid his game. Outbids Abu Hamza to claim the prize. $2M paid to former owner 'Thing' from the Addams Family.

written by Not The Nine O'clock News, 28 February 2012
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Man Dies in Betting Shop Tragedy

A man died today in a William Hill betting shop when a filing cabinet full of betting slips fell on him. "I'm afraid the poor fellow didn't make it - the odds were stacked against him!" A fireman said.

written by IN SEINE, 28 February 2012
Rating:

Rangers: Whytes 20K Ticketlus Seats end up at Man City

Famed locally for having 20 thousand empty seats, Man City today confirmed that it was they who bought the missing 20 thousand Seats, sold by Craig Whyte, disgraced Rangers F.C owner.

written by Not The Nine O'clock News, 28 February 2012
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The Last Sighting of Lord Lucan

The last verified sighting of Lord Lucan was over 4 years ago on the North Pole as recorded in Ray Mears diary: here

written by IN SEINE, 28 February 2012
Rating:

The Pope Opens Twitter Account

The Pope has opened a Twitter account this morning and in a few hours has already got 1 million followers. The number is expected to grow to 2 billion by the end of the year a Vatican spokesman said.

written by IN SEINE, 28 February 2012
Rating:

Vegetarian sandwich

A popular high street sandwich shop is to produce a BLT for vegetarians. "The B stands for bread," said CEO Don Hutt.

written by IainB, 28 February 2012
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Clean-Up On Seats G8 & G9

Man who ate two chili dogs between flights accused of misusing barf bags for himself and person who was originally sitting beside him, but moved.

written by Bureau, 28 February 2012
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Sudden Big Bellyache

500-pound bearded lady accused of faking injury that will prevent her appearing with circus performance at hometown, where she was Miss Arkansas 15 years earlier.

written by Bureau, 28 February 2012
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Needing To Get Into Shape

Puffed-out Cameron struggles on his morning jog... while his security staff and trainer barely break wind.

written by Bureau, 28 February 2012
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New flu virus is found in bats!

Batty Health authorities recommend that you wash your hands every time you handle or pet your bat.

written by Bureau, 28 February 2012
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There Goes Another One Down!

Hundreds of thousands' fitted with suspect hip implants. The test? See who can still do the Bunny Hop!

written by Bureau, 28 February 2012
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Kenseth Wins At Daytona

Matt Kenseth wins Daytona 500 after fire and rain, James Taylor singing national anthem. "I've seen fire & rain before", jokes singer.

written by Bureau, 28 February 2012
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Ky. Guv Won't Cancel Prayer Breakfast

Groups call on Kentucky governor to cancel prayer breakfast. "I'm praying for these casinos to be built in Kentucky whether anyone else does or not."

written by Bureau, 28 February 2012
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"We'd Have No Choice!"

Presidential candidate Ron Paul says US should only keep enough nuclear weapons on hand to destroy the rest of the world if ever attacked.

written by Bureau, 28 February 2012
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Unthought Of?

Probe finds Japan withheld risks of nuke disaster. Many leaders say that has practically never happened before, then put out pants fire.

written by Bureau, 28 February 2012
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Horse Never Them In Time

Pennsylvania: An Amish buggy with whole family inside flattens two passengers and small Indian auto after meeting on a hill.

written by Bureau, 28 February 2012
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Eye Of Newt On Winning

Newt Gingrich outlines his road to the Republican nomination as he has his third wet dream in a month.

written by Bureau, 28 February 2012
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France: Knock It Off!

France calls for new cease-fire resolution to stop Syrian violence. US next in line to call for cease-fire, then around the UN countries until France comes back up.

written by Bureau, 28 February 2012
Rating:

Mother pregnant with TENTH child demands bigger council house...

... on top of her £30,000 a year benefits.
How about we move them into Buckingham Palace, they must have some spare rooms.

written by radiogagger, 28 February 2012
Rating:

Rebekah Brooks 'warned about widespread phone hacking in 2006'

Police source 'told then Sun editor of around 100 victims'.

"Just a hundred? No probs - let us know when it gets to a thousand" she replied.

written by radiogagger, 28 February 2012
Rating:

3.26 million people bought Sunday edition of the Sun

And the Leveson inquiry is told of a culture of illegal payments to sources. So it looks like everyone who bought the 'first' Sun on Sunday could soon have a collectors item.
(Watch this space)

written by radiogagger, 28 February 2012
Rating:

Boots opens late: Story gets 1500 retweets!

They could have just gone to Superdrug.

written by radiogagger, 28 February 2012
Rating:

US gay sailors kiss after re-union in public!

A gay US sailor met his boyfriend at the quay and they had a snog in public. Maybe they could have done it privately? But no, they had to show the world how "normal" it is; sorry, I've just puked!

written by Jaggedone, 28 February 2012
Rating:

Imogen Thomas sees camera, losers her clothes

"They're on the floor there right in front of ya - ya silly bat!"

written by radiogagger, 28 February 2012
Rating:

Noel Gallagher jokes he would be an X Factor judge for £1MILLION

I'll do it for £100,000 and a packet of cheese and onion crisps.

written by radiogagger, 28 February 2012
Rating:

Former cabinet minister Jaqui Smith joins LBC radio

She takes over from Ken Livingstone who is leaving to start his London Mayor campaign. Rumours that Jaqui has declared the LBC studio her second home have been denied.

written by radiogagger, 28 February 2012
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Stuart Pearce delays naming England captain v Holland

Come on, how hard is it? Heads or tails, throw the damn coin.

written by radiogagger, 28 February 2012
Rating:

Lord Lucan spotted in Botswana

He should never have given a forwarding address for his mail.

written by radiogagger, 28 February 2012
Rating:

England v Holland tomorrow and the wife moved out!

England v Holland tomorrow and all ex-pats with Dutch wives should lock them up in their bedroom and fill them up with pot; mine's moving out!

written by Jaggedone, 28 February 2012
Rating:

UN declare parts of UK no-go drug ganglands!

Parts of the UK are in the hands of vicious drug-gangs declared the UN. In fact the UN thought that Moss Side Manchester was more dangerous than the Favelas in Rio. Thank Dios they play footy too!

written by Jaggedone, 28 February 2012
Rating:

George Osbourne says the UK has run out of cash.

I thought I recognized the beggar outside Kensington station this morning wearing a suit with an open briefcase.

written by radiogagger, 28 February 2012
Rating:

It All Depends

The U.S. and Russia are nearing their deadline for reducing the number of nuclear weapons pointed at each other. Of course we'll have to see who our next President & whom Putin kills in between time.

written by Bureau, 28 February 2012
Rating:

Equally Injured?

A new report shows that an overweight male is more likely to suffer serious injury in car crash than a man of normal weight. Someone then pointed out that being overweight IS a normal weight today.


written by Bureau, 28 February 2012
Rating:

Iranian, American People Agree

Economy, not the vote, occupies Iranians. "Same here", say most Americans.

written by Bureau, 28 February 2012
Rating:

Only Used "You Know" 27 Times

Blind date uses words "totally" and "like" over 400 times during six-hour date.

written by Bureau, 28 February 2012
Rating:

Flagman Woes

Ne flagman for state workers in Arkansas says he's sick to death of hearing thrilling tales of how former retired flagman performed.

written by Bureau, 28 February 2012
Rating:

Latest On Canadian Oil Pipeline

Canadian company announced Monday that it will split a controversial pipeline rejected by President Obama & start building Oklahoma-to-Texas portion. "We can build the rest after November", says CEO.

written by Bureau, 28 February 2012
Rating:

Brady, Manning To Get Peace Prize?

Tom Brady, Eli Manning nominated for Nobel Peace Prize! I'm sorry. Bradley Manning nominated for Nobel Peace Prize!

written by Bureau, 28 February 2012
Rating:

New Gas Program

President Obama unveiled a new gas mileage program that he says is "like taking 100 million cars off the road for an entire year." It's called a $1.00 tax onto upcoming $6.00 per gallon gas prices.

written by Bureau, 28 February 2012
Rating:

Colorado To Legalize Marijuana?

Recreational marijuana measure to be put to Colo. voters. "It won't pass", says opponent. "They're too messed up to vote."

written by Bureau, 28 February 2012
Rating:

Nuns Scammed!

FBI: Man arrested in Las Vegas for 'scamming nuns'. "Nuns sometimes get the 'habit' just like everyone else", says law enforcement officer.

written by Bureau, 28 February 2012
Rating:

1% Infiltrate 99%

U.K. police arrest 20 as they dismantle Occupy camp. "Bout time", says executive wearing long beard and dressed in a blanket.

written by Bureau, 28 February 2012
Rating:

Iran Donesn't Want Inspectors To See!

Israel probably won't tell the U.S. if it's going to attack Iran. In fact it may have already. That's why Iran has been bluffing so much lately.

written by Bureau, 28 February 2012
Rating:

Next "Reality" Series!

New ABC Survivor series will be filmed live on a cruise ship!

written by Bureau, 28 February 2012
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Cruise Line Changes Name To "The Adventurer"

Cruise Ship Adrift in Pirate Infested Indian Ocean, being circled by sharks, birds of prey, food running out, lifeboats lost. "But Hey! We got another one reading to go, folks!"

written by Bureau, 28 February 2012
Rating:

Here's The Answer To Gas Problems

Why Americans Are Paying More At the Pump? Because the prices keep going up, Einstein! Duhhhhhh!

written by Bureau, 28 February 2012
Rating:

Most Are Crooks?

Are rich people unethical? 70% of Americans think so. Of course, 98% think politicians are unethical.

written by Bureau, 28 February 2012
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A Rousing Welcome Home #2

Gay Marine's homecoming kiss goes viral! So does one wife waiting only in bra and panties.

written by Bureau, 28 February 2012
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A Rousing Welcome Home!

Gay Marine's homecoming kiss goes viral! But so does other Marine's grabbing wife's cheeks in both hands and hauling her away.

written by Bureau, 28 February 2012
Rating:

This Time, Needs More Than A Slogan

Power Players: Using Obama's words against him. Especially when much of what he said 4 years ago not what he's saying now.

written by Bureau, 28 February 2012
Rating:

Day Of Reckoning

In Michigan, Mitt Romney faces day of reckoning. Is it going to be close? Most voters say, "I reckon!"

written by Bureau, 28 February 2012
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Former London mayor Ken Livingstone is a 'tax dodger'!

He's accused of using a loophole to legally dodge paying £50,000 in tax - despite criticising those who do.

"A politician fiddling? Surely not!"

written by Inchcock, 28 February 2012
Rating:

Patient attacked by rat in hospital bed!

He was bitten more than 14 times across his back and neck, as he lay sedated in hospital, his parents have claimed.

"Government NHS reforms come in many shapes and sizes

written by Inchcock, 28 February 2012
Rating:

18 year-old Rioter's Dad: Keep my daughter locked up for full sentence!

Yes, let's increase it by a few years for her and all the others criminals too?

written by Inchcock, 28 February 2012
Rating:

Eric Pickles: I will unite the country!

"Ha ha ha ha ha..."

written by Inchcock, 28 February 2012
Rating:

NHS will have to ration further treatments, GPs warn

The NHS is facing such acute financial pressure that it will have to extend the rationing of treatments in order to cope,

"Oh, that's comforting for the slubberdegullion masses!"

written by Inchcock, 28 February 2012
Rating:

Man who gave birth fears reaction of his parents

A man believed to be the first in Britain to give birth has described his fears that his parents will want to "convert" him back to being a woman.

"The mind boggles!"

written by Inchcock, 28 February 2012
Rating:

1795 Cognac for sale as world's most valuable drinks collection auctioned

Mr van der Bunt said he was aiming the sale at a rich Chinese or Russian buyer. The collector said he would not sell to anyone considering opening the precious bottles.

"My bid of 55p was rejected!"

written by Inchcock, 28 February 2012
Rating:

Jockey suffers 367th fall of career

Choc Thornton may be Britain's most accident-prone jockey after suffering 367 falls in his career.

"I wonder if we are related at all?"

written by Inchcock, 28 February 2012
Rating:

Internet Site Reports Large Purchases in Romney and Santorum Campaigns

Santorum camp has spent so far in excess of $7000 for barf bags; Romney camp over $8000 for duct tape.

written by Charpa93, 28 February 2012
Rating:

Wisdom Of The Zebrafish!

Want to know why some women prefer older men? Scientists believe that zebrafish could hold the answer. "If not the zebrafish, then I ask who?"

written by Bureau, 28 February 2012
Rating:

Vampire Rat?

'I was gnawed by a rat in my hospital bed': Patient's horror after nurses find rodent with teeth sunk into his neck. "It had no reflection in the mirror!"

written by Bureau, 28 February 2012
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